The First Real Day


Hey all! 

Workout: Treadmill interval workout from FitSugar.

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I changed the workout up slightly by increasing the speed by .5-1 throughout, running at 6-6.5mph during the walking bits, and running at a .5 incline when it said to run at .00 incline.

Also, I showed you guys that I got new running shoes the other day right?

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I decided to try out Brooks PureFlow 2s, and I have to say that I am absolutely loving them. I have only run in them twice (long run on Sunday and my intervals today), so I can’t exactly give a full review yet. So far they are nice and light, yet they still keep my ankles stable (important for me) and they fit nicely which is rare since I have really bizarrely shaped feet.

However, I have THE most gnarly blisters on the back of my heels. I seriously wanted to cry at certain points during this mornings workout… For the most part I was super happy during my workout though!

 

 

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Incline running is no joke. 

Also, what is it about school gyms and not having the air conditioners on? I thought I was suffocating throughout my workout!

 

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Nothing that a little iced coffee can’t fix though ;).

So today marks my first official day of classes (actually it was Thursday… but I told you a little about that whole fiasco), and my first full day of being “away” at school. I put away in quotes because I’m like…a half an hour train ride from home so I don’t know if it really counts.

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I tried to be a girl. All the lights fell off the wall. Command hooks, you have betrayed me.

So I set out to make today a good one. I got up at 6 (set my alarm for 6:30, but oh well), worked out, had a nutritious breakfast, took a nice shower. All was well and good. I walked the 2 miles to school, which would normally be super nice because New York is the greatest place ever, but between the heat and humidity and the blisters on my feet…I probably should have taken the subway. 

I finally arrived (very sweaty and disheveled I might add… Here’s to making good first impressions) to find a note posted on my classroom door that the class had been changed. I followed what I (correctly) assumed to be others who were in the same class over to the building and room that the class was now apparently supposed to be in, and… Get this.

The teacher never showed up.

We sat there for 40 minutes before giving up. 

So now I am 0 for 2 in this whole “getting to class” thing.

I have to leave in around 15 minutes for my next class (which also happens to be the one that I couldn’t find on Thursday), so here’s hoping the third time is the charm!

I will say though, minus the whole classroom-changing-teacher-never-showing-up debacle… Today has been ok! My roommate hasn’t been here yet, so I have just been on my own,and I kind of like that. Yes, I really want and need to make friends, but at the same time, I am enjoying having time alone with myself. The city is such a wonderful and inspiring place. When I am walking through the streets from my housing to my school, I can’t shake the feeling that this, this city, is where I need to be. Where I am supposed to be. I don’t know.

Also, I have to say that people watching in the city is such an amazing way to find inspiration for characters in the stories that I write. I have always dreamed of being a novelist, and I have a few novels in the works currently. It just seems that I can never bring myself to make the time (which is absurd because I definitely have the time) to sit down and just write. This being alone with myself while still being surrounded by thousands of people in a big city is filling me with inspiration and drive to really get back into writing. I’m thinking of bringing my laptop over to Central Park on Thursday since I don’t have class until 4:10 that day and just writing. 

I don’t know how to describe how I am feeling right now. I still feel down and numb and really anxious and not ok… But I feel something else as well.

I think it’s hope.

And now I am off to go pick up some bandaids for my blisters to make the commute to school a little less painful.

Until tomorrow my friends!

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August In A Flash


Hey! 

Workout – A low impact workout sounded like a good idea this morning. I banged my knee pretty badly the other day and bruised the muscle. I’m not exactly the best at icing (I detest it so much… But I really should do it more)… So, I woke up this morning to a pretty gnarly looking bruise and a lot of swelling.

Tried a new to me elliptical workout from FitSugar.

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And enjoyed my last smoothie bowl for a while (I got back to school today) post workout. Threw some spinach into the mix to get some more greens in before having to go back to school as well.

 

 

 

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Topped with coconut chips and Loni Jane’s “rawnola.” The stuff seriously tastes like cookie dough. So flipping good.

 

So, terrifyingly enough, today is the first day of September! September has never exactly been my favorite month… I mean, not only does it mark the end of summer, but it’s just such an uneventful month! Not only is the celebration of summer over, but there are no holidays or festivities either. 

That being said, while August was a pretty rough month for me between losing my cousin, my severe panic attacks forcing me to quit my job in a less-than ideal way, and just having been in a bad place in general… There definitely were some good points in the month of August that I would rather focus on. 

So in August I was…

Reading…

I actually have yet to finish any of the books that I started in the month of August. I just haven’t been in the right mindset to sit and read. However, towards the end of the month when I was finding myself spending a lot of time on the train back and forth from the city, I’ve been making it a point to bring a book with me!

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I have mentioned this book before, and it really is a gem.

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Yes, another nutrition book revolving around a high-carb and plant-based diet. I have just really been interested in this particular type of diet recently and want to learn as much about it as I can… I also am loving getting proven information from accredited sources instead of all of the extremist types that I am finding on Youtube (not there are no good advocates of this lifestyle on Youtube). I just always love to know the science behind certain claims made in the health and fitness world.

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I only started this book the other day… But I feel like it needs to be mentioned! Haruki Murakami is a genius and his writing style is just… I can’t even describe it. I just want to highlight every sentence to read over and over again because he weaves words together so beautifully. 

 

Listening To…

Brand New. Brand New. Brand New.

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This concert was seriously one of the greatest experiences of my life. Not only was it the highlight of my month music-wise… But I think it was just the highlight of my month in general.

Also, I got to go with my best friend. So that made it all the more amazing.

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Eating…

Need I even say it?

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Nom.

Seeing…

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I have taken in some pretty beautiful sights this month.

Other things…

I dyed my hair green.

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I embarked on a new life journey at a new school in a new “home.”

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I have remained consistent with my Youtube channel and have really pushed out of what would typically be my comfort zone.

As someone with a self confidence that is, to say the least, abysmal, putting myself on camera isn’t exactly easy. It’s hard enough when it is just my face on camera… But my latest video was a cookbook, which involves showing my entire self… Body and all. It may not seem like all that big of a deal, but it was seriously one of the most difficult things that I did this month. I’m kind of proud of myself so sucking it up and making myself so through with it.

 

So there you have it; August in a nutshell. 

 

Question(s):

1. What have you been loving this month?

2. When is the last time you pushed yourself out of your comfort zone? What did you do?

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Sentence Per Photo


Hey everyone! I’m currently sitting outside on this (extremely humid) summer night and enjoying the company of my family… So I think it is a sentence per photo kind of night =).

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Gloomy runs are the best runs.

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8 miles to start the day!

 

 

 

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New shoes are super exciting.

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There is no such thing as eating too many smoothie bowls.

 

 

 

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Experimented with vegan scrambled eggs for my mom and it was a success!

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Editing = hours of looking at myself making weird faces.

 

 

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Also made greek yogurt “ranch dressing” with veggies for my relatives that are over!

 

Hope you are all having a wonderful evening!

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Fat Is Not A Feeling


Hey all!

Workout –  I had originally planned on swimming this morning since I haven’t in a long time… But quite honestly, I just wasn’t feeling it.

Instead, I went for Insanity Asylum’s Game Day. Definitely my favorite workout from the Asylum vol. 1 version of Insanity.

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No Shaun T… It most certainly does not.

Breakfast - Breakfast was kind of sort of super exciting today. Actually, it’s always exciting… I just really love smoothie bowls guys.

But what made today’s meal extra special was this little guy.

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Dragon fruit!

You guys may have seen that I went to the asian grocery store near my home yesterday and came home with one (way too expensive) fun new fruit to try! 

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I really wasn’t expecting dragon fruit to be as mild as it is! I thought it would be sweeter, but it actually doesn’t have all that much flavor (or at least mine didn’t). Very nice and refreshing and I loved the crunch of all the little seeds in my smoothie. 

Plus, it’s just a really cool fruit to look at!

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So what I want to address today is something that I have (obviously) been struggling with for quite some time.

Feeling fat.

We have all, at one point or another, thought or uttered something along the lines of, “I feel fat today.” I mean, I know that I personally am guilty of saying that exact sentence (often accompanied by an “ugh”) at least once a day, often more.

But here’s the funny thing, fat is not a feeling.

Look at any list of the spectrum of emotions and I will guarantee you that never once will you find the word fat there. Happy? Yes. Angry? Yes. Disgruntled? Indeed. Fat? Nope.

You know what fat actually is? A macronutrient. 

Yes, fat can also be used as an adjective in describing a creature with an excessive amount of, well, fat. Fat is a substance. Fat is not a state of being.

Recently, I have been finding that I have been having “fat days” more often than not. And what is a “fat day” you ask? Well dear reader, a “fat day” is defined (by me) as one of those days where you wake up and the first thing that comes to mind upon getting up and moving your body is, “Ugh, I feel/am so fat today.”

Now here’s the thing, while some of those “fat days” that people have sometimes have a reasoning, whether it be a PMS symptom, a result of eating too much salt the night before, etc.. More often than not, the person having the “fat day” will, in fact, look and weight the same as he/she did the day before. They just can’t see it.

It’s all about perspective. 

The funny thing about feeling fat is how completely normal it seems in todays society, when, in fact, it is one of the most nonsensical idea/statement there is. How can you “feel” something that is not an emotion. I don’t wake up and say, “I feel protein today.” It’s basically the same thing.

I found this little cartoon online that I believe sums up the topic of fat as a feeling absolutely perfectly.

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Unknown

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So there you have it. Next time you find yourself “feeling fat,” I need you to promise me that you will remind yourself that you can’t feel fat. It’s not a state of being. 

Also, you are not fat. You are a person, a wonderful shining human being with hopes and dreams and ambitions and what is, I bet, a kick-butt personality to boot.

You are not fat, you have fat. You also have bones and organs and muscles. You are not any of those things either. 

I just need you to know that you are you and that in itself is something to cherish and be proud of. 

I hope you all have a wonderful night and I will talk to you tomorrow Good night =)

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Five Things Friday 8.29.2014 – Focus On The Good


Hey everyone! Happy Friday!

I’m home for the long weekend (yes, I did only stay for one night… don’t judge), and I couldn’t be happier about that. It’s so weird, I really love New York City. When I am walking the streets, whether it be to my dorm, to class, or just wandering, I feel like I am where I am supposed to be. It is the idea of having a roommate to possibly judge me and to not have total control over my living situation that is making the idea of living there so panic-provoking. I honestly feel so pathetic just admitting the fact that all of my anxieties regarding school stem from my having to live with another person. That’s not normal at all right? And it’t not that my issue is sharing a space with someone, it’s just that I really like being alone and I guess it boils down to the fact that I have social anxiety and that this past year is has become uncontrollable and severe.

ANYWAYS, how about rather than rant about all of my issues that I truly don’t even have the right to complain, about, I talk about 5 things that made me happy today instead?

1. My Workout – I got to head over to Central Park for a 5 mile run and it was fabulous.

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Running in Central Park never fails to fill me with an all-encompasing sense of gratitude. I don’t know if it is due to the fact that it truly is an oasis within the concrete jungle of New York City or what… But it just makes me so thankful to be alive.

IMG_6952Also, I am definitely going to be working my legs a lot harder with Central Park being my running location whilst at school. My entire run was uphill (I’m not even exaggerating), and those hills were no joke! Coming from flat-as-can-be Long Island, I am definitely not used to hills! (If there is anyone who lives in the mountains, you are probably laughing at me… And rightfully so. I’m kind of a wimp with hills.)IMG_6945

2. I found a vegan takeout restaurant on my way back from Central Park and I am so excited because some of this items on the menu are actually affordable!

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Yay for 5 dollar vegan soups! Still definitely not something that I can afford to have all the time… But these types of things really excite me. I also may have to splurge every once in a blue moon and get a salad because they sound really good.

Post-run, I was sweaty and thirsty and those juices were so tempting…. But I can’t exactly dish out almost ten dollars on a beverage… *dramatic sigh*

3. New read!

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I got to the train station way earlier than I needed to, so there was time to bop around in the station. I wound up in the bookstore (I also almost missed my train because I lost track of time while in there… Books do that to me), and I wound up purchasing this little gem. I have been wanting to read Murakami’s books for forever, but I always forget about them when I am actually in the bookstore.

I read it on the train ride back and I am really loving it so far. I don’t actually quite know where the story is going yet, but I just really enjoy Murakami’s style of writing. He basically just writes in the unfiltered and sometimes nonsensical way that a person really thinks. I’m excited to keep reading!

4. I don’t know if it was because Murakami had Japan on my mind or what… But I spent most of my afternoon looking into possible study abroad opportunities in Japan. There is actually a winter session program that occurs in Tokyo and centers around creative writing… A dream come true for me.

Now, you guys don’t know this about me, but I am, and have always been, absolutely obsessed with Asian culture, namely Japanese culture. I love everything from the history of feudal Japan, the tradition, the food, the fashion, the music… I could actually start to tear up from just thinking about some day traveling to Japan. It is one of my biggest dreams.

I know that the studying abroad most likely will never happen. It’s a ridiculous amount of money and that is money that I don’t have… But hey, maybe if I work my butt off and stop spending money (it’s bad), I’ll be able to save up by my senior year. Here’s hoping.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say was that with Asia on my mind, I ventured out to my local asian grocer for the first time and it was glorious.

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Matcha, ginseng tea, barley tea, brown rice for school, koala cookies (too good), herbal facial sheet mask, and, last but not least, a dragon fruit! I’m so excited to try it tomorrow!

5. Being home. I know that I was only gone for a night, but once the long weekend is over and class really begins to be in session, I know that I will not be home a lot. I just want to enjoy my home and my family as much as I can.

Good night!

Question(s):

1. Tell me something that made you happy today.

2. Ever study abroad? Where? If you could study abroad, where would you go?

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Thinking Out Loud 8.28.2014 – Just A Lot


Hey all!

It’s my favorite day of the week (don’t know why, but I’ve just always loved Thursdays), and it also happens to be the day to think out loud!

(I don’t think there is a way to start write an intro to a link up post that isn’t incredibly lame)

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Amanda, you rock!

1. Workout – Kept things simple with an elliptical workout before heading into the city for what was supposed to be (more on that later) my first day of class.

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(Are these pictures showing up bizarrely small or is it just WordPress?)

2. This week, I have been making my smoothie bowls a little bit differently and they are actually the greatest thing ever and I have been dying to share them with you (but not really… Sorry, but I don’t share my smoothie bowls.)

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Vanilla greek yogurt + ice + coconut water + pinch of cream of tartar + stevia. I can’t even. I don’t know the last time I had vanilla ice cream, so I can’t exactly say that it tastes exactly like vanilla ice cream. However, I have had cake batter froyo from TCBY, and I can vouch for the fact that this tastes wonderfully similar to it! 

Topped with strawberries, freeze dried pineapple, and coconut chips. 

I am going to miss my Vitamix way too much in the mornings at school.

Speaking of school…

3. Today was supposed to be my first day of class. It was also supposed to be my first day sleeping in my dorm… Actually, it was supposed to be yesterday, but I may or may not have had a complete nervous breakdown/panic attack that prevented me from going… Good job Erin… Good job.

ANYWAY

So I took the train into the city early so I would have time to get to my room and take some time to get my head on straight before heading off to class. I only had one class today and it was a visual experience class that I need to take as a prerequisite before I am allowed to take photography.

So, right before I had to leave for class, my school’s website went down. My schedule for classes is online, and, for whatever reason, I didn’t take a screen shot of the schedule when I first registered for classes. I figured I would just be able to pull it up when I needed it. 

Nope.

I walked the two miles to my campus whilst frantically refreshing the website in hopes that it would go back online.

It didn’t.

I got to the building I needed to be in and had no idea what the official name of my class was or where it was. All I knew was that it was on the top floor (16th), so I started walking up to the top floor and then spent the next hour trying to find my class.

Long story short, I never found the class.

Ugh. 

I am so embarrassed and ashamed and annoyed that I missed my first day of class and I am also just super upset because the only thing that I was excited for about school was, well, school. The social aspect of college really freaks me out… But I love learning. 

4. My roommate still hasn’t showed up, and I kind of really like being on my own. I know that it sounds super recluse-like and anti-social and I swear that I really do love people… But I enjoy being alone a lot of the time. I enjoy quiet and time with myself and I don’t know that sounds so lame. 

5. PICTURES!

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One thing that I am actually excited for is the fact that I believe I am going to try to get over to Central Park to run tomorrow morning.

 

Good night!

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Thinking Out Loud 8.28.2014 – Just A Lot


Hey all!

It’s my favorite day of the week (don’t know why, but I’ve just always loved Thursdays), and it also happens to be the day to think out loud!

(I don’t think there is a way to start write an intro to a link up post that isn’t incredibly lame)

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Amanda, you rock!

1. Workout – Kept things simple with an elliptical workout before heading into the city for what was supposed to be (more on that later) my first day of class.

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(Are these pictures showing up bizarrely small or is it just WordPress?)

2. This week, I have been making my smoothie bowls a little bit differently and they are actually the greatest thing ever and I have been dying to share them with you (but not really… Sorry, but I don’t share my smoothie bowls.)

IMG_6758

 

Vanilla greek yogurt + ice + coconut water + pinch of cream of tartar + stevia. I can’t even. I don’t know the last time I had vanilla ice cream, so I can’t exactly say that it tastes exactly like vanilla ice cream. However, I have had cake batter froyo from TCBY, and I can vouch for the fact that this tastes wonderfully similar to it! 

Topped with strawberries, freeze dried pineapple, and coconut chips. 

I am going to miss my Vitamix way too much in the mornings at school.

Speaking of school…

3. Today was supposed to be my first day of class. It was also supposed to be my first day sleeping in my dorm… Actually, it was supposed to be yesterday, but I may or may not have had a complete nervous breakdown/panic attack that prevented me from going… Good job Erin… Good job.

ANYWAY

So I took the train into the city early so I would have time to get to my room and take some time to get my head on straight before heading off to class. I only had one class today and it was a visual experience class that I need to take as a prerequisite before I am allowed to take photography.

So, right before I had to leave for class, my school’s website went down. My schedule for classes is online, and, for whatever reason, I didn’t take a screen shot of the schedule when I first registered for classes. I figured I would just be able to pull it up when I needed it. 

Nope.

I walked the two miles to my campus whilst frantically refreshing the website in hopes that it would go back online.

It didn’t.

I got to the building I needed to be in and had no idea what the official name of my class was or where it was. All I knew was that it was on the top floor (16th), so I started walking up to the top floor and then spent the next hour trying to find my class.

Long story short, I never found the class.

Ugh. 

I am so embarrassed and ashamed and annoyed that I missed my first day of class and I am also just super upset because the only thing that I was excited for about school was, well, school. The social aspect of college really freaks me out… But I love learning. 

4. My roommate still hasn’t showed up, and I kind of really like being on my own. I know that it sounds super recluse-like and anti-social and I swear that I really do love people… But I enjoy being alone a lot of the time. I enjoy quiet and time with myself and I don’t know that sounds so lame. 

5. PICTURES!

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One thing that I am actually excited for is the fact that I believe I am going to try to get over to Central Park to run tomorrow morning.

 

Good night!

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A Commitment to Change


Hey!

Workout: 4 miles at 8:42 min/mile average pace + Turbo Fire HIIT 20.

I was pressed for time this morning, as I had to make a train into the city for my housing orientation. Although the commute into the city is only about a half an hour, between walking to the train station, the train ride, walking from the station to the subway, and taking the subway to my building… It takes a long time.

I was honestly really freaking out about orientation today. The prospect of meeting new people in itself is enough to throw me into a state of panic, throw that on top of being in a new environment with knowing absolutely no one, and being sicker than I have been in a  long long time (I was coughing up a lung the entire orientation, girl know how to make a first impression =P)… It was just a mess.

It did wind up being a lot better than I thought it would be though! We played icebreaker games (my least favorite thing to do) and I met a couple of really sweet girls that live on my floor. Already I can tell that the bulk of people at my new school (at least those living on my floor) radiate a much better energy than those at my old school did. I didn’t get that snobby “I’m so much better than you,” and, “All I want to do is drink and party,” vibe from anyone, so I’m happy about that =).

Also, can we just discuss the epic-ness that was last night’s VMAs?!?!

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Like… How? I’m not fully convinced that Beyonce is not actually a robot. One person can not be this talented and flawless while also being a good person.

And what about Miley’s charity? I loved it.

I just live for award shows though. They are one of my (many) guilty pleasures.

Now onto a more serious topic.

I’m sure that you all are sick of hearing me complaining about the fact that I have gained weight. I’m getting sick of listening to myself complain about it as well. Thing is, I just cry and complain and self-destruct instead of actually doing anything productive to not only stop this process, but to move towards health.

I just let myself remain stuck.

And I’m sick of it.

I don’t know if it is because I have a fever and that is making me overly emotional or what, but I am filled with such a drive to change what I am doing with my diet because I know for a fact that it is not working.

Typically, before I fell into this diet rut, I was eating a predominantly plant-based diet. I was by no means vegan, but was eating vegetarian about 90% of the time, and about 80% of that was vegan. I would have meat in the form of either seafood or chicken maybe once a week, if even that, and the only dairy I was intaking was my lactose free cottage cheese (I really love that stuff) and my occasional froyo (I will never give it up.. I’m sorry). I was eating a higher carb diet with a lower fat and protein count. I was not intentionally trying to limit my fats or my protein, I just happen to enjoy fruits and veggies and starches over most fat and protein sources.. So that was what I ate.

And I was actually feeling good.

One lasting ailment that my eating disorder left me with is a plethora of digestive issues. There is barely a day that goes by without me having a stomach issue of some sort, whether it be extreme pain, bloating, or something else. When I was eating a higher carb and lower fat and protein diet, my digestive issues lessened significantly.

Recently, I can barely stand up, let alone leave the house, due to the amount of pain that my stomach is in. Yesterday, I had to cut my long run short by a mile, and almost wound up cutting my already short run even shorter today due to my stomach feeling so horrible.

So what do I do?

I know that I need to make a change… The only thing is, I don’t even know where to begin. Part of me feels like I should just do the whole raw food thing that seems to basically have become a type of cult recently. But I don’t want to do that. I could also go fully vegan. I don’t want to do that either.

I don’t want to cut out any more foods from my already limited diet. I can’t. Even if it is better for my body, even if I do want to eventually go vegan (although I am not sure if that will ever really happen), I know that I am not mentally in the place to do so. I know that a drastic change to my diet would send me spinning back down the rabbit hole into the arms of my dark passenger. I know that I would get obsessive and unhealthy and that it would just lead to my issues with food manifesting in a whole new way.

However, I do know that I need to go back to really limiting the amount of animal products that I ingest, as well as cut down a little on the amount of fats that I am ingesting. I have been eating way too many nuts and way too much nut butter lately, and I find that it is after eating a large (for me) amount of these things that my stomach starts feeling funny. The symptoms are especially prevalent if I eat high fat foods right before running.

As far as protein goes, I am in no position, nor do I have any desire, to limit my intake of it. However, I am not going to constantly freak out about needing to get a ton of protein with each meal. I would rather my meals be based around vegetables with my protein as a small compliment to the meal than it being the other way around.

I also need to stop with my constant snacking.. I honestly think that I may take in more calories through my snacking all day than I do from my actual meals. Yeah, it’s that bad.

Some other goals I have for myself include finishing Dr. Cambell’s (the author of The China Study) book Whole.

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 It is a really great read and I was truly enjoying it. I just haven’t been making the time to sit and read it. I believe that I will be able to get a lot out of this book, and hope to read The China Study as well. I am also contemplating reading one of Dr. McDougall’s books. I am not quite sure which one I should go for, or it will even be beneficial to me. For all I know, it could just be another cult favorite book geared towards the members of a certain movement. I have just heard great things about McDougall’s program, but I will need to do a bit more research on him, his work, and those that follow his lifestyle before purchasing anything from him.

With going away to school and having to be very careful about what groceries I buy, live on a strict budget, and cook my meals in my dorm room with nothing but a microwave and a Magic Bullet, I feel that now is as good a time s ever to really revamp the way that I am eating.

I am so sick and tired of being upset over my appearance and actually being embarrassed by the way I eat and my eating habit.

It is time to make a change. Let’s see what happens.

Question(s): What is the best diet/lifestyle book that you have ever read?

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A New Beginning


Hey!

WorkoutInsanity Cardio Power and Resistance. My arms will indeed be feeling it tomorrow.

At this point, I am just blogging from my phone because my computer is about so slow that I might as well be using dial-up for internet.

Also, I know that I have been super inconsistent with blogging lately, and it’s really bothering me. Thing is, amidst losing Grace, getting ready to to leave for school, and personal issues that I have been dealing with, this blog has kind of taken a back seat. However, I believe that as of today, that will change. I think things may finally be starting to calm down. Here’s hoping.

Anyways…

So, today was the day.

Move in day at my new college.

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Hi Times Square. I love you.

This morning, I was forced to finally accept the reality that is going away to college (when I am dreading something, I have this bad habit of convincing myself that it’s not really happening). It’s not school itself that I was dreading, it was (and is) the unknown. It is not having complete control over my surroundings or my situation.

I know that in saying this, I probably come off as the biggest brat on the planet, but not having control over roommate situations (when she will be in the room, how loud she will be, how many people she will have in the room, what time she will intend to stay up until), sharing the building with people who blast music at all hours of the day (I don’t know if this will be a reality at this school yet, but it definitely was an issue at my old school), and having to deviate from my normal routines (both food, exercise, and just general living) absolutely freaks me out. Seriously, just writing it out is making my heart race.

The problem is also that I really don’t mind living with other people. I’m not complaining about having to share a small room with someone. I’m just freaking out because I don’t have control over my environment, and that is a major anxiety trigger for me.

Also, it definitely doesn’t help that I have no ability whatsoever to assert myself. I would much prefer the people I am surrounded by, or living with, to be happy and to get there way than to argue someone and make them not like me. Again, this is something that I need to work on.

Ok, so now to digress from that little tangent I went off on… This morning, my mom and I packed up the car and drove into the city to go see where I will be living for the next year.

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It was also my mom’s first time driving in Manhattan (we always just take the train into the cities and then either take subways or walk to our destination), so everyone give you a round of applause for conquering such a feat as New York City driving.

Upon arriving at the building that I guess I will be calling home for a while, it was an absolute madhouse. It took my about 20 minutes just to figure out how to get myself all checked in and to get my room key made (worst. id photo. ever.). Then it was another long weight to get my hands on a bin for us to use to get my stuff up the the room.

But somehow, we eventually made it.

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I’m planning on decorating and making my space cute and individualized. Last year, I really never “moved into” my dorm. It was used simply as a place to study, store things, and change my clothes. I barely even slept in my room because my roommates would harass me if I tried to. This year, I really want to focus on making the most out of this little space and filling it with things that will fill me with happy thoughts and good vibes. Basically, I’m just going to hang up a ton of fairy lights and concert posters.

 

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There’s a massive window in the room. You have no clue how happy this makes me.

 

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My roommate actually never showed up, so I have no idea what is going to happen.

Furthermore, my classes don’t actually start until Thursday (though I do have housing orientation in my building on Monday). Then, I only have one class on Thursday, no class on Friday, and off next Monday due to Labor Day. After much thinking, I decided to spend a bulk of this week at home, and will most likely spend next weekend at home as well. The main reason that I wasn’t completely certain if I should spend another week at home was because I didn’t want my roommate to think that I was weird for not staying in the room this week.

Well, it looks like I don’t even have a roommate yet, and I think that it will alleviate some anxiety if I make the transition over to living in my dorm as opposed to here at home as slow and painless as possible. I don’t know, maybe it sounds immature… But I just feel like I’m in a very fragile state right now. I need to take care of myself instead of constantly worrying if other people will think that I am weird.

I also think that a lot of my anxiety over school is due to how incredibly awful and traumatic my experience last year was. I’m not sure if I have ever mentioned this on the blog.. But last year was a really rough one for me. Apart from struggling immensely with both my mental and physical health, my roommates made sure to make my life a living hell. They would spread lies about me, talk about me and make fun of me when they knew I could hear them, come into the room late at night screaming and shaking my bed to wake me up, and many other things. I am just so scared that something like that is going to happen again.

But really, I just need to take a step back and remind myself how lucky I am to be able to be going to school and studying something I love in the city that I love more than anything. I have always dreamed of living in New York City for a period of time, and I am actually going to be able to live that dream this year. I need to make the best of the situation at hand, whether it wind up being awful or amazing. I need to do this to prove to myself that I am not a failure.

I need this to be my year. And I hope that it will be.

 

Question(s):

Anyone who has been or is currently in college – Did you have a roommate? Any horror stories? Any great stories? What was your favorite college memory! Tell me! I want to know!

What songs have you been listening to lately?

I currently have Sanctuary by Utada stuck in my head, and I am certainly not complaining. Quality song right there.

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Thinking Out Loud 8.21.2014


Hey!

Wow, I’m actually posting something… And it’s on a Thursday, so you know what that means!

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Shout out, as always, to this link up’s lovely host.

1. Workout – 5 miles easy.

I have both a chest and head cold, so it goes without saying that this run was pretty meh. I had originally planned on going to the gym for some speed work before therapy, but I spent so much time talking myself out of it that I wound up too pressed for time… So a run it was! I almost stopped after 3 miles, but I didn’t have the time to walk the 2 miles home (I was running an out and back route)… So there’s that!

I normally do two a day workouts, but I was feeling so crummy all day that I wound up not doing anything but lying around and doing school things for a bulk of the day. I have to say, I am feeling extremely guilty and lazy and gross. Like I have mentioned a million times lately, I am gaining weight. Unfortunately, since I am very inclined to fall into unhealthy exercise and food habits, I have been feeling more and more pressure to workout as much as physically possible. This has resulted in my feeling lethargic, sick, and weak. I actually think that overtraining, in addition to stress, not sleeping, and grieving largely contributed to how sick I currently am.

2. New video went up on my Youtube channel yesterday!

Just me sharing a couple of things that I picked up from the thrift shop (I’m gonna pop some tags…) the other day. I know, so exciting right? Haul videos are actually one of my biggest internet guilty pleasures. I don’t know what it is, but I just love watching them… Even if they do just make me think about all of the things that I can’t afford.

*dramatic sigh*

3. I did a thing.

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Yes, it is actually green. Yes, it is actually that neon (no editing or enhancing). Yes, I may regret it kinda-sorta a lot. I didn’t think I dyed as much of it as I did… So now I have neon green hair. Not exactly the best way to avoid attention when you go out in public.

3. I am supposed to move into my dorm on Saturday. I am dreading it more than anything to the point that I am in complete denial of my actually having to go.

I don’t know if it is due to how traumatic my experience at my last university was, or if it just my severe anxiety over change… But I just really don’t feel like I can handle this. I am dreading it so much, but I should be excited.

Everyone I am friends with on Facebook is posting about how unbelievably excited they are to be going back to their colleges to their dorms and their lives and their friends. So why am I not? Am I really that much of a failure that I can’t even handle school?

I truly don’t know what to do. I am at a point where I don’t even know if college is right for me. Thing is, I can’t afford not to go.

Yes, I could live at home and take classes at my local community college. That would be comfortable. That would be safe. But there is no room for growth there. Yes, I would have significantly less anxiety over school if I were to go the community college route. But I would never get out of this rut that I am in. I would get up, go to class, come home, and repeat. Every. Single. Day.

I wouldn’t have anything driving me to branch out and meet people (not that I am really feeling up to doing that yet), or to get involved. I wouldn’t have anything pushing me to start living. I would continue to just exist. I would continue to waste this blessed life that I was given.

I don’t know. I really don’t know what to do. I am excited for my classes. I am excited to be in the city everyday. I am not excited to live away from home. I am not excited to not have access to everything that I am used to and accustomed to. I have a set routine that I live my life by, and I get panicky just thinking about not being able to stick to my standard routine. Throw in the fear that I am going to have a roommate that judges me or thinks I’m weird or crazy or one that bullies me like I did last year into the mix and you have the recipe for a full-on breakdown.

I’m just really not ready for this. But I have no other option. I really hope that I can get my head on straight soon, because right now I feel like nothing but a failure, not only to my family, but also to myself.

Wow, this just got real depressing real fast. I’m sorry guys, I’m just at a rough point in my life I guess and this blog, while I really want it to be a positive place, is my one and only outlet. Like, you guys reading are the only people that I really have to talk to. So, if you do read this blog or watch my Youtube videos, I just hope that you know how unbelievably grateful I am to you.

I hope you all have a wonderful night and I will talk to you tomorrow. Got to get back on that being-consistant-with-my-blogging grind!

Oh, and I just want to leave you with this quote that I found.

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=)

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