A Commitment to Change


Hey!

Workout: 4 miles at 8:42 min/mile average pace + Turbo Fire HIIT 20.

I was pressed for time this morning, as I had to make a train into the city for my housing orientation. Although the commute into the city is only about a half an hour, between walking to the train station, the train ride, walking from the station to the subway, and taking the subway to my building… It takes a long time.

I was honestly really freaking out about orientation today. The prospect of meeting new people in itself is enough to throw me into a state of panic, throw that on top of being in a new environment with knowing absolutely no one, and being sicker than I have been in a  long long time (I was coughing up a lung the entire orientation, girl know how to make a first impression =P)… It was just a mess.

It did wind up being a lot better than I thought it would be though! We played icebreaker games (my least favorite thing to do) and I met a couple of really sweet girls that live on my floor. Already I can tell that the bulk of people at my new school (at least those living on my floor) radiate a much better energy than those at my old school did. I didn’t get that snobby “I’m so much better than you,” and, “All I want to do is drink and party,” vibe from anyone, so I’m happy about that =).

Also, can we just discuss the epic-ness that was last night’s VMAs?!?!

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Like… How? I’m not fully convinced that Beyonce is not actually a robot. One person can not be this talented and flawless while also being a good person.

And what about Miley’s charity? I loved it.

I just live for award shows though. They are one of my (many) guilty pleasures.

Now onto a more serious topic.

I’m sure that you all are sick of hearing me complaining about the fact that I have gained weight. I’m getting sick of listening to myself complain about it as well. Thing is, I just cry and complain and self-destruct instead of actually doing anything productive to not only stop this process, but to move towards health.

I just let myself remain stuck.

And I’m sick of it.

I don’t know if it is because I have a fever and that is making me overly emotional or what, but I am filled with such a drive to change what I am doing with my diet because I know for a fact that it is not working.

Typically, before I fell into this diet rut, I was eating a predominantly plant-based diet. I was by no means vegan, but was eating vegetarian about 90% of the time, and about 80% of that was vegan. I would have meat in the form of either seafood or chicken maybe once a week, if even that, and the only dairy I was intaking was my lactose free cottage cheese (I really love that stuff) and my occasional froyo (I will never give it up.. I’m sorry). I was eating a higher carb diet with a lower fat and protein count. I was not intentionally trying to limit my fats or my protein, I just happen to enjoy fruits and veggies and starches over most fat and protein sources.. So that was what I ate.

And I was actually feeling good.

One lasting ailment that my eating disorder left me with is a plethora of digestive issues. There is barely a day that goes by without me having a stomach issue of some sort, whether it be extreme pain, bloating, or something else. When I was eating a higher carb and lower fat and protein diet, my digestive issues lessened significantly.

Recently, I can barely stand up, let alone leave the house, due to the amount of pain that my stomach is in. Yesterday, I had to cut my long run short by a mile, and almost wound up cutting my already short run even shorter today due to my stomach feeling so horrible.

So what do I do?

I know that I need to make a change… The only thing is, I don’t even know where to begin. Part of me feels like I should just do the whole raw food thing that seems to basically have become a type of cult recently. But I don’t want to do that. I could also go fully vegan. I don’t want to do that either.

I don’t want to cut out any more foods from my already limited diet. I can’t. Even if it is better for my body, even if I do want to eventually go vegan (although I am not sure if that will ever really happen), I know that I am not mentally in the place to do so. I know that a drastic change to my diet would send me spinning back down the rabbit hole into the arms of my dark passenger. I know that I would get obsessive and unhealthy and that it would just lead to my issues with food manifesting in a whole new way.

However, I do know that I need to go back to really limiting the amount of animal products that I ingest, as well as cut down a little on the amount of fats that I am ingesting. I have been eating way too many nuts and way too much nut butter lately, and I find that it is after eating a large (for me) amount of these things that my stomach starts feeling funny. The symptoms are especially prevalent if I eat high fat foods right before running.

As far as protein goes, I am in no position, nor do I have any desire, to limit my intake of it. However, I am not going to constantly freak out about needing to get a ton of protein with each meal. I would rather my meals be based around vegetables with my protein as a small compliment to the meal than it being the other way around.

I also need to stop with my constant snacking.. I honestly think that I may take in more calories through my snacking all day than I do from my actual meals. Yeah, it’s that bad.

Some other goals I have for myself include finishing Dr. Cambell’s (the author of The China Study) book Whole.

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 It is a really great read and I was truly enjoying it. I just haven’t been making the time to sit and read it. I believe that I will be able to get a lot out of this book, and hope to read The China Study as well. I am also contemplating reading one of Dr. McDougall’s books. I am not quite sure which one I should go for, or it will even be beneficial to me. For all I know, it could just be another cult favorite book geared towards the members of a certain movement. I have just heard great things about McDougall’s program, but I will need to do a bit more research on him, his work, and those that follow his lifestyle before purchasing anything from him.

With going away to school and having to be very careful about what groceries I buy, live on a strict budget, and cook my meals in my dorm room with nothing but a microwave and a Magic Bullet, I feel that now is as good a time s ever to really revamp the way that I am eating.

I am so sick and tired of being upset over my appearance and actually being embarrassed by the way I eat and my eating habit.

It is time to make a change. Let’s see what happens.

Question(s): What is the best diet/lifestyle book that you have ever read?

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A New Beginning


Hey!

WorkoutInsanity Cardio Power and Resistance. My arms will indeed be feeling it tomorrow.

At this point, I am just blogging from my phone because my computer is about so slow that I might as well be using dial-up for internet.

Also, I know that I have been super inconsistent with blogging lately, and it’s really bothering me. Thing is, amidst losing Grace, getting ready to to leave for school, and personal issues that I have been dealing with, this blog has kind of taken a back seat. However, I believe that as of today, that will change. I think things may finally be starting to calm down. Here’s hoping.

Anyways…

So, today was the day.

Move in day at my new college.

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Hi Times Square. I love you.

This morning, I was forced to finally accept the reality that is going away to college (when I am dreading something, I have this bad habit of convincing myself that it’s not really happening). It’s not school itself that I was dreading, it was (and is) the unknown. It is not having complete control over my surroundings or my situation.

I know that in saying this, I probably come off as the biggest brat on the planet, but not having control over roommate situations (when she will be in the room, how loud she will be, how many people she will have in the room, what time she will intend to stay up until), sharing the building with people who blast music at all hours of the day (I don’t know if this will be a reality at this school yet, but it definitely was an issue at my old school), and having to deviate from my normal routines (both food, exercise, and just general living) absolutely freaks me out. Seriously, just writing it out is making my heart race.

The problem is also that I really don’t mind living with other people. I’m not complaining about having to share a small room with someone. I’m just freaking out because I don’t have control over my environment, and that is a major anxiety trigger for me.

Also, it definitely doesn’t help that I have no ability whatsoever to assert myself. I would much prefer the people I am surrounded by, or living with, to be happy and to get there way than to argue someone and make them not like me. Again, this is something that I need to work on.

Ok, so now to digress from that little tangent I went off on… This morning, my mom and I packed up the car and drove into the city to go see where I will be living for the next year.

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It was also my mom’s first time driving in Manhattan (we always just take the train into the cities and then either take subways or walk to our destination), so everyone give you a round of applause for conquering such a feat as New York City driving.

Upon arriving at the building that I guess I will be calling home for a while, it was an absolute madhouse. It took my about 20 minutes just to figure out how to get myself all checked in and to get my room key made (worst. id photo. ever.). Then it was another long weight to get my hands on a bin for us to use to get my stuff up the the room.

But somehow, we eventually made it.

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I’m planning on decorating and making my space cute and individualized. Last year, I really never “moved into” my dorm. It was used simply as a place to study, store things, and change my clothes. I barely even slept in my room because my roommates would harass me if I tried to. This year, I really want to focus on making the most out of this little space and filling it with things that will fill me with happy thoughts and good vibes. Basically, I’m just going to hang up a ton of fairy lights and concert posters.

 

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There’s a massive window in the room. You have no clue how happy this makes me.

 

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My roommate actually never showed up, so I have no idea what is going to happen.

Furthermore, my classes don’t actually start until Thursday (though I do have housing orientation in my building on Monday). Then, I only have one class on Thursday, no class on Friday, and off next Monday due to Labor Day. After much thinking, I decided to spend a bulk of this week at home, and will most likely spend next weekend at home as well. The main reason that I wasn’t completely certain if I should spend another week at home was because I didn’t want my roommate to think that I was weird for not staying in the room this week.

Well, it looks like I don’t even have a roommate yet, and I think that it will alleviate some anxiety if I make the transition over to living in my dorm as opposed to here at home as slow and painless as possible. I don’t know, maybe it sounds immature… But I just feel like I’m in a very fragile state right now. I need to take care of myself instead of constantly worrying if other people will think that I am weird.

I also think that a lot of my anxiety over school is due to how incredibly awful and traumatic my experience last year was. I’m not sure if I have ever mentioned this on the blog.. But last year was a really rough one for me. Apart from struggling immensely with both my mental and physical health, my roommates made sure to make my life a living hell. They would spread lies about me, talk about me and make fun of me when they knew I could hear them, come into the room late at night screaming and shaking my bed to wake me up, and many other things. I am just so scared that something like that is going to happen again.

But really, I just need to take a step back and remind myself how lucky I am to be able to be going to school and studying something I love in the city that I love more than anything. I have always dreamed of living in New York City for a period of time, and I am actually going to be able to live that dream this year. I need to make the best of the situation at hand, whether it wind up being awful or amazing. I need to do this to prove to myself that I am not a failure.

I need this to be my year. And I hope that it will be.

 

Question(s):

Anyone who has been or is currently in college – Did you have a roommate? Any horror stories? Any great stories? What was your favorite college memory! Tell me! I want to know!

What songs have you been listening to lately?

I currently have Sanctuary by Utada stuck in my head, and I am certainly not complaining. Quality song right there.

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Thinking Out Loud 8.21.2014


Hey!

Wow, I’m actually posting something… And it’s on a Thursday, so you know what that means!

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Shout out, as always, to this link up’s lovely host.

1. Workout – 5 miles easy.

I have both a chest and head cold, so it goes without saying that this run was pretty meh. I had originally planned on going to the gym for some speed work before therapy, but I spent so much time talking myself out of it that I wound up too pressed for time… So a run it was! I almost stopped after 3 miles, but I didn’t have the time to walk the 2 miles home (I was running an out and back route)… So there’s that!

I normally do two a day workouts, but I was feeling so crummy all day that I wound up not doing anything but lying around and doing school things for a bulk of the day. I have to say, I am feeling extremely guilty and lazy and gross. Like I have mentioned a million times lately, I am gaining weight. Unfortunately, since I am very inclined to fall into unhealthy exercise and food habits, I have been feeling more and more pressure to workout as much as physically possible. This has resulted in my feeling lethargic, sick, and weak. I actually think that overtraining, in addition to stress, not sleeping, and grieving largely contributed to how sick I currently am.

2. New video went up on my Youtube channel yesterday!

Just me sharing a couple of things that I picked up from the thrift shop (I’m gonna pop some tags…) the other day. I know, so exciting right? Haul videos are actually one of my biggest internet guilty pleasures. I don’t know what it is, but I just love watching them… Even if they do just make me think about all of the things that I can’t afford.

*dramatic sigh*

3. I did a thing.

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Yes, it is actually green. Yes, it is actually that neon (no editing or enhancing). Yes, I may regret it kinda-sorta a lot. I didn’t think I dyed as much of it as I did… So now I have neon green hair. Not exactly the best way to avoid attention when you go out in public.

3. I am supposed to move into my dorm on Saturday. I am dreading it more than anything to the point that I am in complete denial of my actually having to go.

I don’t know if it is due to how traumatic my experience at my last university was, or if it just my severe anxiety over change… But I just really don’t feel like I can handle this. I am dreading it so much, but I should be excited.

Everyone I am friends with on Facebook is posting about how unbelievably excited they are to be going back to their colleges to their dorms and their lives and their friends. So why am I not? Am I really that much of a failure that I can’t even handle school?

I truly don’t know what to do. I am at a point where I don’t even know if college is right for me. Thing is, I can’t afford not to go.

Yes, I could live at home and take classes at my local community college. That would be comfortable. That would be safe. But there is no room for growth there. Yes, I would have significantly less anxiety over school if I were to go the community college route. But I would never get out of this rut that I am in. I would get up, go to class, come home, and repeat. Every. Single. Day.

I wouldn’t have anything driving me to branch out and meet people (not that I am really feeling up to doing that yet), or to get involved. I wouldn’t have anything pushing me to start living. I would continue to just exist. I would continue to waste this blessed life that I was given.

I don’t know. I really don’t know what to do. I am excited for my classes. I am excited to be in the city everyday. I am not excited to live away from home. I am not excited to not have access to everything that I am used to and accustomed to. I have a set routine that I live my life by, and I get panicky just thinking about not being able to stick to my standard routine. Throw in the fear that I am going to have a roommate that judges me or thinks I’m weird or crazy or one that bullies me like I did last year into the mix and you have the recipe for a full-on breakdown.

I’m just really not ready for this. But I have no other option. I really hope that I can get my head on straight soon, because right now I feel like nothing but a failure, not only to my family, but also to myself.

Wow, this just got real depressing real fast. I’m sorry guys, I’m just at a rough point in my life I guess and this blog, while I really want it to be a positive place, is my one and only outlet. Like, you guys reading are the only people that I really have to talk to. So, if you do read this blog or watch my Youtube videos, I just hope that you know how unbelievably grateful I am to you.

I hope you all have a wonderful night and I will talk to you tomorrow. Got to get back on that being-consistant-with-my-blogging grind!

Oh, and I just want to leave you with this quote that I found.

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=)

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Guess Who’s Back and Living For Grace


Hey everyone.

Workout: Insanity Plyometric Cardio Circuit.

Insanity is, and will forever be, my go-to at home workout. Never gets old and is always a great challenge.

I want to do more cardio, but I know that I probably shouldn’t (I’m still working on the whole over-exercising thing)… So I’m thinking I’ll do some strength instead. I really need to get back into the weights!

 

So, if you haven’t noticed… It’s been almost a week since my last post. Ever since my cousin passed away, I just haven’t felt up to blogging, nor has it felt right. Thinking and writing about my menial life when my family (myself included) is in grieving and when my little angel of a cousin isn’t on this earth anymore just felt wrong. But, life goes on… And blogging is therapeutic for me. I definitely needed a break from blogging/social media, but now I’m ready to get back into it! Blogging with enthusiasm still feels hard though.

I know it sounds cliche, but unfortunately, it too often takes extreme tragedy to really appreciate all that you have in life. I am so grateful for so many things… So many things that my little cousin was never able to experience due to her illness, and will never be able to experience.

I want to be grateful for the world and really start living my life. I want to do it with grace , for Grace.

She was such a special little girl. A real life angel. Her illness prevented her from ever lying, ever hating. She had no sin. She was pure. An innocent.

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I just wish that I could properly express what Grace meant, not only to my family, but to every single person that was lucky enough to have had her in their life. Her teachers, the staff that took care of her at the home she lived at, friends, other caretakers over the years… She was a shining light.

People search and wait their entire lives to see a sign of God… To see proof.

I think Grace was that proof.

Honestly, I don’t know what I believe in. I was raised Catholic and attended Catholic school my entire life… I was very strong in my faith for a majority of my life. However, in my senior year of high school, I lost that faith. I don’t know what happened. I just woke up one day and it was gone.

But Grace was a real angel. Her life meant so much… And I just hope that wherever she is right now, she is able to think and function like a healthy little girl. I hope that she can speak and run and jump and dance and enjoy all the simple things that we, as “healthy” human beings, take for granted.

Speaking of which. Last night, I experienced that true gratitude for life.

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It was just my mom and I last night, so we decided to head over to the beach to go for a nice walk.

It was beautiful.

 

 

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We also stopped by our local Fairway (my favorite supermarket of all time… sorry Trader Joe’s) to pick up some food from the hot food/grain bars to bring down to eat on the beach.

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Seaweed salad, sweet potatoes with black beans, salmon, tofu dill salad, spaghetti squash, and roasted beets.

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Carrots, couple pieces of pasta, mushroom, more tofu salad, more beets, spinach… Needless to say, I had A LOT of leftovers for today. Salad/hot food bars of any kind are pretty much my favorite. I love being able to try a little bit of everything.

After eating, we just walked and talked (a lot of the conversation being about Grace) and took in the salty air, the sounds of the ocean, and the beautiful world around us.

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I have been in  really bad place lately. I am gaining weight, I am eating out of emotion (which just makes me more emotional because I freak out… vicious cycle), my digestive issues have been getting really bad again, I have no idea how I am going to handle being away at school, and then there is Grace. Grace’s funeral brought up so many feelings that I didn’t even know that I had. I think that it brought up all the feelings about losing my dad that I have been repressing for years (I think I am still in the denial phase of morning… I remember my dad and having him, but it doesn’t feel the memories of him are my own… if that makes any sense at all) and it was a mess. The day of the funeral, I cried for over 6 hours straight with no stopping. I had a panic attack during the funeral and then spent the next 5 hours curled up in the car in hysterics while the rest of my family was together.

I am just sick and tired of not living my life to the fullest. I don’t live. I just exist. I know that I have mentioned this before, and I know that I have made a vow to truly live… But now with Grace having passed away, I feel more obligated to really try than I had prior.

I can do this.

 

 

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Thinking Out Loud – Not Feeling It


Hey guys. It’s Thursday.

20140703-233615-84975169.jpgThank you Amanda for hosting this link up.

1. Workout – This morning, I was originally planning on doing a pool workout. However, I woke up wanting nothing less than to get into my swim suit and into a cold pool. Also, my arms were really sore. Also, I’m doing this thing where I try not to guilt myself into doing things that I really don’t want to do.

So I did a new (to me) elliptical workout instead.

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I really liked it.

2. Banana Island. If you don’t know what an “island cleanse” is… It’s a detox that is super common in the 80/10/10 raw vegan community (I have been doing a lot of research on the lifestyle lately). The basic gist of the detox is that you get your calories solely from “mono-meals” or meals consisting of a single type of fruit.

The idea is that you are giving your digestive system a rest (similar to in a juice fast) by feeding it simple and easy to digest foods.

Well, I lasted half a day.

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Honestly, I really understood the idea of a “banana detox” at first. Simple foods = simple to digest = ease the stomach and digestive issues I have been having = clean slate. I had really only planned on doing it for a day, I had no interest in eating nothing but bananas for 4+ days as is recommended.

There are two main reasons that I didn’t complete my day ‘o ‘nanners.

1. I was stressing over something that should be simple. Nothing but bananas? Why was I obsessing over what to eat for my next meal then?

Oh yeah, that eating disorder that I am recovering from.

I know that one day really isn’t a big deal. Anyone can do something for one day… But if I was forcing my mind to backtrack into that place where I obsess about food… How is the detox helpful to me? Doesn’t really matter if my stomach feels better if my mind feels worse.

2. You’re supposed to eat a hell of a lot of bananas. Think about it, there are, say, 100 calories in a banana? You need to get all of your calories from them.

I have a sweet tooth and I love carbs… But I made myself banana “ice cream” with 3 bananas for lunch and how sweet and rich it was made me feel sick.

Again, how is that beneficial to me?

So… I tried. I failed. I’m going to go stuff my face with pretzels now.

3. I’ve been gone a couple of days.

Truthfully, I feel wrong blogging even today… But I kind of just wanted to say what has been going on here.

Yesterday, we lost a very special member of my family.

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This is Grace. She was 13.

Grace had a rare condition called Sanflippo Syndrome, read more about it here. 

No one saw it coming. It wasn’t supposed to happen. Not for years.

I don’t really know how to react.

So yeah, it feels wrong to blog about my trivial life when a little angel’s just ended.

I want to write more about her, but I don’t really know what to say. I just want people to know about her and her illness and what an angel she was. I want people to know how amazing my aunt, her mother is, and how she is one of the strongest people that I know.

But really, what I want most is to make everything better. And I can’t do that.

 

I’m sorry this is really depressing. I hope you are all having a nice Thursday.

 

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Mental Health Monday – Romanticizing Mental Illness and Introvert vs. Social Phobia


Hey! Welcome to another Mental Health Monday.

What is Mental Health Monday? Other posts in this series can be found here, here, and here.

Today I want to address something that hits close to home for me.

Social anxiety.

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Via The Anxiety and Depression Association of America. 

As stated, social anxiety is all too often mistaken as extreme shyness, or even an excuse for it. The thing is…

It’s not.

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard people, a majority of them being my age, casually throwing around the term, “social anxiety,” in casual conversation as a synonym for nervousness.

“Oh my gosh, I hate doing speeches in from of the class. I get like… Social anxiety from it.”

Nervousness when public speaking is normal. Doesn’t mean you have a social phobia.

“Ugh I hate people. I get like, social anxiety.”

Yes I have actually heard someone say this before. I was at a theme park and there was a big crowd and a girl was complaining about how many people there were.

Now, these are but a couple of examples of the misuse of the term, “social anxiety,” that I have experienced recently. I am not saying that these girls definitely don’t have some sort of social phobia. That is not my judgment to make and there is no way that I, as an outsider, would know the mental state of these strangers. I am just analyzing what I hear and the context in which the term is used.

Another issue that I have noticed, and am deeply disturbed by, is this strange infatuation that people (mostly those around my age) with mental illness.

Anxiety.

Depression.

OCD.

Social phobias.

For some odd reason, suddenly people seem to believe that these are “traits” to be desired. They are seen as quirky and endearing.

What the…?

I find this fixation on mental health, or the lack thereof, to be most common among those from my generation.

I largely blame the internet for this.

I am a lover of the website Tumblr. If you have never heard of Tumblr, it is a site for blog hosting, but it is one that is far more informal than your standard blogging sites. Though there are some more “professional” type blogs on Tumblr, a majority of them are photos that have been re-blogged (basically Tumblr’s version of re-tweeting), videos, and text posts that can be as short as a couple of sentences. Some are even as short as a single word.

Tumblr is a very strange place… Very strange indeed. But that’s not what this post is about.

Websites like Tumblr are a breeding ground for the romanticizing of mental disorders. The fixation on thigh gaps and thinspo? A large amount of this came from Tumblr (although thinspo was around long before that… It just exploded when a community for it  formed on Tumblr).

I’m getting a bit off topic… What I’m getting at is that it seems like all of a sudden, certain mental disorders have become synonyms for emotions or actions that they are not.

“Oh, I’m like… Super OCD about XX.” Being super tidy or anal about certain things doesn’t mean you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

“Hahaha! I’m so awkward around people. Anxiety, ya know?” No. Just no.

“Oh, I had an eating disorder for like a month once. But then I was over it.” Eating disorders are chronic. A crash diet that you do for a month and then, “get over,” is not an eating disorder. An eating disorder is also not a diet… It’s a mental condition.

And with social anxiety in particular, there are all too many times that I hear people saying that they are introverts, but then saying that being an introvert is the same as having social anxiety. This concept that being an introvert and having a social phobia are one in the same is what I really want to address.

I already gave you the clinical analysis of what a social phobia is. But what about an introverted personality type?

 

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Via GiftedKids.About.Com (not the most legitimate source, but I find the information stated to be pretty spot on.)

So, in comparing these two definitions, I think that it is safe to say that being an introvert does not automatically mean that you have social anxiety and visa-versa.

That being said, a social phobia can definitely be amplified if the sufferer already has an introverted personality type. If one already loves and values alone time and is already drained by (lengthy) social situations, they already tend to be more withdrawn from the world than the average person. Throw in a severe fear of being around people and the person can go from being slightly withdrawn to almost cutting themselves off from the world entirely.

It is definitely a balancing act.

At the same time, understand that an extroverted person can also suffer from social anxiety. I am definitely not an extrovert, so I can not speak from experience. However, I do know a couple of people, both personally and online, that struggle with anxiety while also being very outgoing and social people.

All in all, what I really want to do is reinforce the idea that mental disorders are real and serious issues. They do not makes you quirky or unique. They are not endearing. Honestly, I am mortified when I think about some the things that I have done when my anxiety has gotten really bad. I have thrown child like tantrums in public, I have cried in restaurants… In fact, I had a panic attack at work last week and started crying and had to leave early and quick. It’s shameful and childish and embarrassing.

So think before you speak.

Being neat does not equal OCD.

Skipping a meal does not equal an eating disorder (nor does being skinny. Stop using “anorexic” as a synonym for skinny).

Getting nervous in high pressure situations does not equal anxiety.

Being awkward in social situations sometimes does not equal social anxiety.

 

I apologize for how this post lacks any fluidity whatsoever and that it is more of a rant and less of the informative and professional(ish) post that I intended it to be… I guess that these are just some issues that I have been noticing lately and really felt the need to address.

Have a nice day and thank you so much for reading!

 

 

 

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Music Makes Me Feel Alive…


Hey!

I have no idea why, but up until about 5 minutes ago, I was thoroughly convinced that today was Monday. I had just had breakfast, was making some green tea, and was going to sit down and write a Mental Health Monday post. Gosh, I felt so on top of things and productive… But apparently it’s Sunday. Whoops. So I have to changing gears a bit! Workout: My knee felt a little bit off today, so I figured it would be best to stick with a low-impact workout. Enter the stair master! IMG_6472 I went for one of my go to stair master workouts from Blogilates. As per usual, I adjusted the workout a bit to cater to my needs (I swapped minutes 28-35 with 35-45 and upped the steps per minute by about 10 for everything except for the warm up and cool down). I have to say, I don’t feel like I get the best workout in regards to my heart rate increasing and calorie burning when I do the stair master… I do, however, feel like a flipping beast. I actually remember my first attempt at the stair master. It was a couple of years ago, I had just come off of cross country season and was looking for a good way to cross train. Woman cannot survive on the elliptical alone (actually you can, but I just really wanted to try and be funny… fail), so I decided to hop on the stair master since it seemed like a great way to work my legs. I think I lasted 10 minutes… 15 at most. And this was right after cross country season, so I was definitely in shape. Better shape than I am currently. However, the muscles required for the stair master are obviously different than those used in running. I don’t know, it’s just kind of nice to be able to look back on that while I am doing a stair master workout as a reminder that I really have come far on this fitness journey of mine. IMG_6474 Not my best smoothie bowl. I still don’t have acai, so I made it with non-fat greek yogurt and it wound up just making me feel pretty sick. Normally, even though I am lactose intolerant, I can take greek yogurt due to the probiotics in it… Today was obviously not one of those days. So last night was pretty rad. IMG_6405   That photo was actually taken by my friend Cody (he’s pretty much the only friend I ever talk about on this blog… So if I ever say my best friend, I mean Cody) because I am approximately two feet tall and couldn’t see anything. He saw my struggle to get a photo and offered to take a few for me. What an angel that kid is. I’m sure that I have mentioned this before on here, but I live for live music. This summer alone I have seen Fall Out Boy, Paramore, State Champs, Yellowcard, Motionless in White, Mayday Parade, Front Porch Step, Say Anything, The Front Bottoms, Bowling for Soups, and now… Brand New!

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(I took this one… I may have had to stand on my tippy-toes to get it.)

If you have never heard of Brand New before, I strongly suggest that you check them out. Some of the songs I would recommend include: “Jesus/Jesus Christ,” “Sic Transit Gloria Fades,” “Guernica,” “Degausser,” “Daisy,”… Ok, I would honestly suggest any and every song by them.

Have you picked up on the fact that they are one of my favorite bands yet?

I get chills just thinking about the fact that I got to see them perform that song (my all time favorite by them) live last night. It’s surreal to me.

I just had a really good night and I am so grateful to have been able to get the tickets (I had to sit at my computer and buy them the second that they went on sale… Brand New tickets always sell out immediately), was able to experience live music that really elicits a special, almost indescribably so, feeling of gratitude and happiness within me, and that I was able to share the experience with my best friend.

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I am so thankful for the times that make me feel alive. I know that I have previously addressed that fact that most of the time, I feel as though I am not living but just simply existing… And last night made me feel alive.

I am just really happy.

 

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Time To Live


Hey everyone!

I really need to start beginning my posts with something different than, “hey everyone” every. single. time.

Workout: 

Hit up the gym this morning some speed work!

Here’s how the workout goes:

3 minute warm up

6 minutes at tempo (7:30 min/mile)

3 minute recovery jog

5 minutes at tempo

2.5 minute recovery jog

4 minutes at tempo

2 minute recovery jog

3 minutes at tempo

1.5 minute recovery jog

2 minutes at tempo

1 minute recovery

1 minute at tempo

.5 minute recovery

3 minute cool down

This is one of my favorite workouts to do because it reminds me of tempo runs when I used to do cross country… Which just so happened to be, along with ladders, the workout that we all dreaded! When coach told us that the next day would be tempo day, we would spend the entire school day before practice freaking out! Obviously, we ran them much faster than I do now… Which kind of makes me feel crummy, but it also motivates me to really up my game with speed work and get back to where I once was!

Breakfast

You may need to sit down for this… I did something kind of crazy this morning.

I had something other than an acai bowl for breakfast!

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And guess what? That’s not a bowl of oats that you’re looking at either!

Can you guess?

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IT’S CAULIFLOWER!

I happened to be out of frozen acai packets, so I figured that it would be a good time to force myself to deviate from my usual breakfast routine (I am the very definition of a creature of habit) and try a recipe that I have been eyeing.

I first saw the idea for this grain free cauliflower-based “oatmeal” or, as they have been dubbed, cauli-oats, over on To Her Core  the other day and I have been thinking about it ever since.

It’s no secret that I love cauliflower… I mean, how can you not? It is probably one of the most versatile veggies out there. You can dip it, roast it, make it into pizza, make it into mashed potatoes, and now… You can even make it into a sweet breakfast!

If you think about it, we should all be inspired by cauliflower. It is the true physical embodiment of your ability to be anything that you want to be as long as you are willing to think out of the box and try.

Woah… Getting real deep over here on Snaps ‘n Flats…

Aside from the whole inspirational experience that is cauliflower… This breakfast was absolutely delicious! Mine didn’t come out quite as creamy and I had hoped, but it was still sweet and comforting and filling. You also definitely don’t taste it as cauliflower at all! I’ll definitely be making it again and am excited to try new flavor combinations. I kind of want to make chocolate cauli-oats… But the idea of chocolate and cauliflower together kind of turns my stomach.

Some other new things happening over here:

I attempted to cut and dye my hair and it kind of sort of came out as a disaster.

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I think that since the color was a pale mint color, I was supposed to bleach my hair white… But I wasn’t willing to do that to my hair so I just kind of went for it and now it’s all patchy and weird.

Yay.

Last night I also forced myself to leave the house (I have been having a hard time doing that lately) to meet up with my family for dinner on the beach.

Going out to eat, especially when it is with a large group of people, is always difficult for me. I have never been one to really enjoy going out to dinner, and now it’s at a point where it just makes me anxious. Part of my anxiety and food issues is control or a lack-thereof, and not having control over exactly what is going into the food I am eating, the portion sizes, and how the food is prepared just really makes me uneasy.

That being said, I am always super proud of myself when I do go out and eat without any issues. It shows that I really have made some progress, even if I don’t feel like I have!

We started off our meal with steamed mussels as our appetizer. We got two orders, one with red sauce and one with white and they were so flipping good! The mussels also came with bread (my favorite thing ever) for dipping and I think I ate a whole loaf.

Whoops…

For my meal, I opted for the Manhattan clam chowder with a side of steamed veggies.

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Any restaurant that gives you a plate of vegetables that is larger than your head is a winner in my book. The soup was also just as good as it looks.

 

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I also had a taste of my mama’s food (she got sesame tuna tacos with sweet potato fries) and I don’t know if it’s just because I don’t know the last time I had a sweet potato fry or what… But those fries were probably the greatest ones I have ever tasted. They had absolutely zero grease (greasy things sit in my stomach and make me feel sick) and had some pepper on them which contrasted so nicely with the sweetness of the… well… the sweet potato.

Fresh ahi tuna is always a winner in my book, so that was great too.

Also, we ate outside, and I guess the view wasn’t too bad.

IMG_6364 IMG_6343Something that I am really trying to work on is actually living my life.

I have always been an introverted person. I cherish my time alone and am ok with not always going out… But my already introverted personality has been amplified by my anxiety to a point where it is crippling.

I actually have a whole post about introverted personalities vs. social anxiety in my head that I need to post because I feel like all too often people think that they are one in the same… But that couldn’t be less true.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I close myself off from the world and I am sick of it. I don’t spend enough time with the people that I love and cherish more than anything because I’m too afraid of putting myself into a situation where I may have anxiety.

I don’t know, I just feel like I need to really acknowledge and admit to these bad… habits(?) that I have fallen into and that I need to change. I’m sick of just existing instead of really living.

So I am happy that I went out with my family last night. It sounds small and menial, but it was a large step for me and I am so happy that I did. I got to see my cousins and my cousin’s fiancé and my aunt… Just some really important people in my life.

It was also one of the first days where it felt like summer, which is kind of sad given that I only have two weeks until Summer!

So, I’m going to make the most of these next two weeks =).

Now I have a concert to get ready for. So excited!

I hope you all have an amazing day!

 

 

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Friday Favorites 8.8.2014


Hey everyone! We have made it through another week!

Workout: 8 mile steady state run at an 8:38 min/mile average pace.

I don’t know what happened while I was asleep last night, but I actually woke up feeling motivated and energized! Last night, I didn’t even want to run (like I said, I’ve been having a rough time lately), and even upon waking up this morning I was doubting that I would even complete the 7 miles that I had planned on doing.

Well, the run went to so well that I wound up doing 8 miles instead of 7! Don’t you love it when that happens?

I felt great for a majority of my run, although I will say that my stomach started really acting up at about 6.5 miles in and I almost wound up stopping… But I pushed through and I don’t regret it!

It also didn’t hurt that my Pandora was on point today.

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I actually squealed when this song came on. It was the intro to one of my absolute favorite video games growing up (actually, they are still coming out with games in this series), Kingdom Hearts. This just made my entire day.

 

 

 

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A fail on my part was wearing capris to run in the summertime. I don’t understand why I decided to do that. Oh wait, maybe it’s because I really need to do laundry.

Now, let’s talk about some things that I have been loving this week!

For this week’s Friday Favorites, I thought that I would spice things up a bit and do something a little bit different.

As you all probably know (given the obnoxious number of times that I have mentioned it), I run a fashion and beauty Youtube channel. I really love it.. Like, I started the channel because it was something that I had been wanting to do since my freshman year of high school and had never had the confidence in myself/appearance to do so… Heck, I still don’t. But I was sick of telling myself why I couldn’t do it and I was tired of regretting not having made one all those years ago. So I have been consistently making weekly videos for a couple of months now.

And I am loving every second of it.

That being said, you all know that I love health and fitness… I mean, those things are pretty much the focus of this blog. But I am passionate about other things to, fashion being one of them. I just think it’s so wonderful and beautiful when people express who they are though their own individual fashion senses. That’s actually one of the things that I am most excited for about moving to New York City in a couple of weeks, the street style. People aren’t afraid to dress however they please in NYC and it is wonderful.

Ok, I’m going off on a tangent. What I was getting at is that I thought that I would share some of my favorite fashion finds of this week courtesy of my fall wish list Pinterest board!

1. Cat and Dog Suede Flats from Oasap

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I have actually been eyeing these for over a year now, but have not been able to justify spending the money on them! There is a sale going on right now, so part of me wants to just suck it up and buy them… I know that they are definitely not going to be everyone’s taste, but I really love how both shoes are different and I think that they will add a fun youthful and quirky element to any outfit.

2. Sporty T-Shirt Dress from Topshop

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Topshop is always a hit or miss for me… And more often or not, when it is in fact a hit… It’s a miss as far as pricing goes. This t-shirt dress is one of their newer products and I am absolutely OBSESSED! I love t-shirt dresses, and the almost iridescent material and sport jersey-like cut of this one is so unique and cool! I will say that it seems a bit long on the model, so that would mean that it would basically be down to my ankles since I am about two feet tall.

3. Chicwish Collared Dress

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Another clothing item that I have been eyeing for quite some time. I love the sheer detailing on the shoulders and the silhouette of this dress. I’m not sure I am girly looking enough to pull it off, but I sure would like to try!

4. Yet another beautiful Chicwish dress.

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It may be a bit early for this, but this dress just screams, “holiday season,” to me!

5. And finally, it’s not actually a clothing item… But, I may just need to get this backpack from Store Envy

 

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I really want a timeless and chic bag for school that will also be practical for carrying all of my school necessities to and from my classes and I think this backpack may just be it!

Although, knowing me, I would get the white way too dirty!

 

So that’s it! I hope you enjoyed =).

 

Question(s):

What’s something you have been loving this week?

Do you like any of my favorites? Would you wear any of them? Let me know!

 

 

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Thinking Out Loud 8.7.2014 – I’m All Over The Place


Hey everyone! It’s that time of the week again

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Shout out to the alway lovely host of this link up!

So let’s just get into it!

1. Workout.

I (reluctantly) hit the pool bright and early this morning to get a good swim in before showering and driving to an appointment!

350 warm up

Endurance

100 freestyle pull

100 freestyle kick

100 freestyle

x2 non-stop. No rest between sets.

Speed

4×50 IM order

2×25 freestyle

x2

400 cool down

2. It took a lot more mental pushing than usual to get myself into the pool this morning.

As I mentioned the other day in my less-than-cheerful post… I have been in a slump lately. More than a slump actually. I have dug myself into a full on trench and I can’t seem to get myself out of it.

I’m gaining weight… I have never felt this terrible about my body, and trust me, that’s saying a lot given I have never actually felt good about my appearance. I don’t want to leave the house or go out in public. My diet is repulsing me (hence the no WIAW yesterday). I have felt tired and unmotivated to workout (part of this, I’m sure, my lack of rest days… but it’s hard to give myself rest days when I feel so gross and anxious).

I just really don’t know what to do.

What I’m getting at is that it was near impossible to get myself into a swimsuit this morning… let alone walk out into the pool area in it at my gym.

But I did it, and I don’t regret it.

3. I found this magazine today and it may just be the greatest thing ever.

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It says premier issue on the cover, so I’m assuming that it’s new? Regardless, it’s an absolutely AMAZING health magazine. In fact, it’s probably the best one that I have ever picked up since it’s not gimmicky (I love you Women’s Health, but you are more about lowering calorie intake than nourishing the body and making people glow from the inside). I have only flipped through it at this point, but I can already tell that this is a magazine that I am going to be picking up every time that they come out with a new issue (I believe that it’s a seasonal magazine) and that I am going to be trying most of the recipes, juices, and smoothies in this thing! So excited!

4. I want to go to this vegan convention/festival so badly! It’s next weekend and it’s basically in my backyard. Unfortunately, chances of me going are slim to none because a.) I am broke, and b.) I am not a vegan (read more about my reasons for this here), so I would feel like the biggest hypocrite/phony on the planet.

5. I posted a new video to my Youtube yesterday!

Yes, I mentioned this yesterday… But just in care you missed it I’m posting it again =P.

6. I have been spending way too much time planning what I am going to buy grocery wise at school, what I’m going to eat, and how I am going to store/prepare my food.

I really want to be smart and healthy at school. I don’t have a meal plan, nor do I have a kitchen, so I am thinking that this will give me the push I need to start eating more raw meals. I do need to find where is the best place to buy reasonably priced produce and will need to probably prepare meals for the week in advanced and find small containers to store them in since I am sharing a fridge (I’m not sure whether or not it’s a mini fridge or not) with a roommate.

I’m also worried that my roommate is going to think I’m a freak if I start steaming veggies in the microwave and keep things like lentils in the fridge… I don’t know. That’s probably just me being ridiculous.

7. I finally got some froyo after not having it for what was probably over a month.

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Honey vanilla greek + chocolate with all the fix in’s. Boba is probably my favorite thing ever. So are rainbow sprinkles.

Good night!

Question(s):

1. Tell me something that’s on your mind!

2. Any microwavable or no-cook recipes that you love? Share them with me please!

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