So of course, as always, I was good about posting for about two days and then completely disappeared. So much has happened this month it’s hard to even believe that it all just happened within the last couple of weeks.
First, and probably the most exciting… I’m a high school graduate!!!!
After that just came the whirlwind of graduation parties and thoughts of “what the hell am i going to do with my life?”
Honestly, the idea of my going away to college in 2 months is terrifying to me. The question asked most commonly by my family and other adults is, “Wow, aren’t you so excited?”
It’s a question that I honestly have to answer with an forced smile and a, “Yeah,” that is said more like a question than a statement. I am going to a school that is a two hour plane ride from the place that I have lived all my life. I don’t regret my decision to go so far away, in my mind this is the only shot i have to see something different. I 100% want to move back here after college and live my life here. The main problem I have is paralyzing fear. Coming from someone with severe anxiety, depression, and who moves in and out of recovering from an eating disorder, the idea of living somewhere far away with less control of my surroundings is almost a nightmare to me. Not being able to control the food that I am provided with, not being able to workout in my room every morning before breakfast, not having my own space, it’s scary. I want to be excited, and sometimes I really am, but the fear overtakes the excitement. I want to make my life into something wonderful, I want to enjoy this youth of mine instead of destroying it like I have been doing. I don’t want to be controlled by this sickness in my brain that tells me I can’t enjoy life. I don’t know.
I also don’t want to rush into what so many high school graduates seem to do. You know, that “I just want it to be time for college already, so I’m going to speed through summer,” thing. I want to enjoy every day that I have to it’s fullest. I’ve spent so much time hiding, and still have, Just this week I have skipped two graduation parties out of not wanting people to see my hugely grotesque body. That’s not living, now is it?
I have already had some great days though. On thursday I went into the city with my best friend and we went to the Museum of Natural History! It’s one of my favorite places in the whole world and I’m so thankful to finally have a friend who doesn’t think it’s lame.
We also got to walk around Central Park for a little while, Central Park has to be one of my favorite places in the world. It’s just amazing how one minute you can be in this busy city of pavement and sky scrapers and then all of a sudden you’re in this beautiful place surrounded by nature. There’s something that is just so magical about Central Park.
I’m sitting outside as I type this and it is just SUCH a beautiful day. It’s supposed to hit 90 though so something tells me that I’ll wind up in the gym instead of running like I meant too (I’m a wimp, what can I say.) I shall talk to you later blogiverse!
i am the QUEEN of corney farewells.