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Stuck


Long time, no talk! 

Today’s post is going to be a lot of words, very few pictures, and fairly solemn. I’m sorry if it’s annoying to you. I promise to post a pretty beach picture from my run on Sunday at the end to make it more aesthetically pleasing =P.

I’ve been busy lately in the most unproductive way possible. Stress has completely consumed me at this point, my head is constantly spinning and I have no idea how to make it stop. I leave for college on August 19, the is SO soon, TOO soon. I am not ready in any way, shape, or form. I don’t feel ready to move away from home, I don’t feel ready to grow up.

For the last year and a half I have had myself and everybody else convinced that exercise science is my passion and that the college that I’m going to is my dream school. Over the last couple of months, I have found myself thinking more and more that I have been lying to myself by confusing safety and interest with passion. What I mean is, I like exercising and fitness, it’s a big part of my life and I would never give it up for anything in the world. That being said, it is also a horrible part of my life in some ways. Having an eating disorder gives me a fairly bad relationship with fitness, no matter how much I work out, it’s never enough. I always have that voice in my head telling me that I haven’t run far enough or fast enough, that i need to push and push and push. I push my body past its breaking point. I love fitness but the disordered part of me looks at it as punishment. Who am I to try to major in and eventually get a job in something that would require me to tell other people how to be healthy when I can’t even take care of myself? I like it, I do. But is it my passion? I’m unsure.

I’ve always been an artsy person. I used to spend hours drawing, I always dreamed of being an author, and music has been the thing that I have loved most in the world since I first discovered Evanescence at age 8. In middle school, I was bullied every day for the way that I drew, the books I read, and the music I listened to. These two boys would stand at the top of the staircase and drop textbooks down at me and my friends and chant “Emo, emo, emo,” having it echo all throughout the stairway. I got teased and mocked for being the person that I was, so going into high school, I made the decision to hide it.

The thing about wearing a mask, putting on a front to make the world believe that you’re someone you’re not (I pretended to be happy and girly really) is that eventually, you lose the person you used to be. I still listened to my music, but I didn’t sing or write lyrics anymore, I still read, but not as much, and I stopped drawing completely. 

Now, all of a sudden, I’m starting to find myself again, underneath the depression, the anxiety, and the eating disorder. I’m still there. I stopped forcing myself to like rap music just to be able to have something to sing along to in the car with my “friends.” I started drawing again, started writing again. I’m trying to learn guitar and I’ve been doing vocal covers of songs again. When I go to concerts, I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be. I feel sick for days after concerts, I feel like I should be there, doing something, not going away to college to get a safe job and live in a little house and work a 9-5 job and have a family. That has never felt right. Music is what I’m passionate about. I want to do music.

I know, “who am I to think that it’s possible for me?” Who am I to think that I could be one of those select few people? What’s so special about me? Nothing. What would make me of all people be able to succeed? Nothing…. I know that. It’s near impossible. But I have to try. I can’t be one of those people who wind up 50, working in a job they don’t love, and bitter because they never even tried to follow their dreams. 

I’ve been a mess the last couple of days, stressed, crying myself to sleep at night. I feel so lost, I’m so scared for what the future would bring. Every single day that I don’t take a step towards following my dreams is a day wasted. I get older every single day and time will continue to run out. I’m immobilized by fear for the future. I feel like, for my entire like I have put things aside because of the voice in my head telling me that I’m not good enough or that it’s too late. Didn’t pick up my guitar when I got it two years ago because I was too old to learn how to play, didn’t get vocal lessons or art classes because I didn’t think I was good enough. I should have spent my life taking Bocces classes in music production and learning and singing and doing the thing I loved instead of living in fear. I’m scared that I’ve already ruined my future. I’m just honestly not sure what to do… My school doesn’t even offer a music production major so I couldn’t even change my major to follow my dreams if I wanted to. I just want to be around music, no matter what job it is.

I really do apologize for this emotional ramble. On the upside, I got a really nice 3 mile run in earlier this morning! 

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Told you I’d put a pretty picture from my beach run at the end!

 

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A Step In The Right Direction…


I didn’t get home until late last night so I planned on writing a post this morning about yesterday, then today wound up busy and I only just got home and it’s late again! But I shall write a post and it will be quality (not that any of my posts are actually quality) despite my sleepy, blurred vision. Going out with people honestly freaks me out, I need time at home after social situations (meaning I can’t normally go out two days in a row) to regroup my thoughts and lessen anxiety. I’m honestly proud of myself for carrying through with my plans. Especially yesterday’s…

Yesterday there was a meet-up of kids from New York that are going to my college at the beach. It wasn’t school organized or anything, it was just an idea that someone posted in the school’s new student Facebook group so we could meet some semi-local kids before school starts. I knew that it was probably one of the best things that I could do … but it was also one of the scariest things I could imagine. Thes severe social anxiety I have means that I have trouble being around a group of people (I’ve been known to just walk out of family parties because I get too nervous… rude, I know) and it being a group of people I had never met, or really even spoken to before, that was terrifying in itself. Then, to add to my anxiety, the meet-up was at the beach. The beach has always been one of my favorite places in the world, but the idea of being seen in a bathing suit has really made me barely go anymore. I’ve only gone a handful of times since the summer going into Sophomore year, I was so scared. I really had to force myself to go, I had to mentally push myself out the door. I didn’t want the first impression that some of my future classmates had of me be that super fat and ugly girl, but I guess that would happen even in clothes. I forced myself out the door and once I payed my 10 dollars to get into the beach, it was set that I had to go.

It wound up being very fun. Was I mentally freaking out the whole time? Yes. Do I regret going? No.

As terrifying as it is, the only way to heal and grow is to push through anxieties. People without things like social anxiety, OCD, or BDD don’t really get how all consuming the disease is. It’s nearly impossible to just “not think about it” as so many people advise me to do when I’m freaking out about going out in public. The thing is though, if we never force ourself into that place beyond were our anxiety says not to go, there is no way of getting better. I actually had a heart-to-heart with my cousin about this last night when we were in the car. Me going so far away to school is terrifying, I know that it can end really badly. I get nervous being away from home for more than 3 days. How am I expecting to live a 2 hour plane ride from where my home is? I don’t know. But I know I have to do it. Right now I’m at a stand still in healing and honestly, I don’t want to get better. But I know that staying here, I would never take a step forward. I’m literally pushing myself to the extreme by going far away to school. I know it can end badly for me, but I know that it may also wind up being exactly what I need to heal myself. Pushing is important, albeit uncomfortable, it’s necessary.

 

As for today, I got up and did the new Tone It Up Triathlete Workout which I absolutely loved. I did it 2x through (I should have done 3 but I was in a time crunch) it took about a half hour.

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Those swimmer motion arm exercises were so hard for me! For some reason even though I work my arms every day I feel like they are so weak. Maybe it’s a lack of nutrition thing? I don’t think so, but I’m not sure.

Mandatory smoothie picture

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yay.

My workout later on in the day was a really nice speed workout on the treadmill. I felt especially good today when it came to the speed  intervals, I just felt happy and very comfortable in the discomfort. It was just a good workout day.

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If you have a DailyMile and want to friend me you can find me here.

Tonight I met up with a couple of girl friends that I haven’t seen in a while and we went and saw DESPICABLE ME 2!!! AHH!!

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It was honestly such an adorable, hysterical, and well done movie. I loved the first one and this was DEFINITELY just as good. Also, I basically aspire to be Agnes

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Not quite sure whether or not thats a good thing but… just look at her.

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Afterwards, we went to Rita’s and got ices. I’m trying not to freak out too much about the fact that I ate almost all of my mint chocolate chip italian ice and trying to focus on the fact that I had a really nice night. I normally have myself convinced that my friends don’t actually like me and that I’m a burden on everyone. It was nice to joke and laugh and to really feel that I have friends that love me. I’m so luck and so grateful to have that.

And I’ll part with just one more picture of little Agnes because she’s my favorite person.

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So Much Change…


I started my day off with an oldie but a goodie by Tone It Up, the “Sandcastle Workout”

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Followed by one of my favorites, the “Beach Barre Workout”

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Today was the day I’ve been freaking out about for about a year now… College room assignments. When I woke up this morning, I really wasn’t even ready to know, I was too scared, but one of the girls I’m rooming with messaged me on Facebook so obviously there was no avoiding it. I had to go and check.

I got put in a triple.

I know I sound like the biggest brat in the world by being upset by this but I’m so terrified. I have such bad anxiety, I often have trouble having family members in the same room as me. If there are too many people at a party I have to leave. It’s something I’m trying to work on, but it’s hard. I had it in my head that I would have to handle one other person, not two.

Both of them seem very nice which is a good thing, they’re both gorgeous too (which makes me anxious and self-conscious) I really hope that everything works out well and that we are all friends. They requested each other as roommates so I feel like I’m that person that is just intruding on them, they probably weren’t expecting a third roommate. I’m going to try my hardest to not be too anxious.

I also got my college schedule today!

ImageI’m actually really excited, especially for the creative writing class. My major is Athletic Training (I may switch to Exercise Science) but I’ve always had a dream of being a novelist. I know writing books as a living would probably be a long shot, and really my dream is to be a Personal Trainer but I also really wanted to take a writing class. I’m so excited for it! I’m also happy that most of my classes are earlier in the day. It’s scarier how real this all feels now. We booked my plane tickets, this is really happening. I was up most of the night last night having panic attacks over leaving home. I really hope this all goes well. I’m terrified, but I know I need this. I need to push myself out of my comfort zone. I think it’s the only way for me to truly recover.

I talked about my anxieties with my mom for a while before I finally headed to the gym to get in a good, stress relieving workout it…. Speaking of stress relief, I really want to start doing hot yoga again (random, sorry).

Got in the Secret Admirer Cardio (I love this one for days I don’t feel like just staying on the treadmill for a whole workout)(hey! I use too many parenthesis)

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After my workout I did some stretching and some inner thigh work before heading home where I made myself a green juice. I kind of fell out of the habit of drinking green juice and I really miss them. Plus, I honestly do feel so much better when I drink it.

ImageGreen juice made with green grapes, spinach, ginger, cucumber, and grapefruit served over ice in a super rad Mickey Mouse glass with a side of a good book. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this yet on the block but one of this things on my summer bucket list is to read every one of this author’s books. I know, I’m a wild child, you don’t need to tell me. 😉 *sarcasm*

Dinner was a big bowl of veggies with some grilled chickenImage

The rest of my night (an hour) will be spent reading and listening to good music. Couldn’t think of a better way to spend a Monday night!

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A Late Happy Birthday to America


I was supposed to have my Fourth of July Post up on the Fourth but due to lack of wi-fi that wasn’t possible, so instead I’m going to shower you with pictures from the birthday of our deal old nation.

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Early morning entirely up-hill (STEEP) 3 mile run

 

ImageMade a friend.

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Skip forward to today…

I’m finally home! I’m the kind of person that starts getting really anxious when I’m away from home for more that 3 days (college should be interesting) so there are no words how happy I am to be blogging from my room and having WI-FI! I tried to blog the last few days but my phone wouldn’t let me. 

Yesterday was pretty uneventful, morning trip to the gym for, to my dismay, intervals on the elliptical. The gym was PACKED and I had to wait 20 minutes just for a machine to open up and since the elliptical was the only option I had to jump on. Forty minutes of intervals with elevation levels varying from 7 to 19.

ImageAfter I finished my cardio I went over to the weights to do an arm workout. I used a heavier weight than usual and I’m definitely feeling it today!

The rest of the day was spent reading by the lake with a few breaks to jump in the pool and to go kayaking for an hour (hey, more arm workouts!).

ImageI started reading Tricks by Ellen Hopkins only two days ago and I already finished it! She’s one of my favorite authors. Actually, one of the things on my summer bucket list is to read all of her books… i have 6 to go and they’re all about 600 pages, let’s see if i can do it! It was a great read and if you’re into heavier, darker literature I would definitely recommend it. It’s about 5 different teens with no connection to one another and how, because of false love and horrible home situations, end up in Vegas as prostitutes. It was unbelievable disturbing to read, but things like that really happen in the real world and it’s a good thing for the public to be aware of.

Today wasn’t very eventful as most of it was spent in the car. I woke up at 8:00 and headed to the gym for a quick workout on the tread mill. I did a 5 minute warmup and then 1 minute at 8mph followed by 1 minute at 6mph repeated 10 times with another 5 minute cool down.

 

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I honestly should have done strength at the gym too but I’m so sore and I convinced myself that I would do it once I got home. Now it’s 9:56… I’ll probably just to some abs and then double up my strength workout tomorrow. 

So sleepy, so very sleepy. I apologize for yet another extremely messy and boring post.

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A Spa Day and Some Kettlebells


I’m blogging from my phone here, so let’s see how this works.

I’m on vacation right now! Well… kind of. My aunt owns a house at this resort and were staying here like we always do.

Today was extra special though because we had gift cards to the fancy schmancy spa here.

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I had only been there once before a couple of years ago so needless to say I was VERY excited.

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I got a 50 minute massage and oh my goodness it was amazing. I’ve only gotten a massage 3 times in my life and Woodloch is definitely my favorite place to get one. They’re so non-invasive and even someone as hyper self-conscious as me can feel slightly comfortable there. I got to pick the oils she used on me, I picked one called forest which had a mixture of… Well… Foresty things like different kinds if trees. It was supposed to be good for the respiratory system and as a runner I was all over that.

After the massage I was taken to a place called the Whisper Room where I sat in silence and waited for my mom, aunt, and cousin who were all also getting massages. It’s funny how easy it is to forget how nice silence is sometimes. For the first 15 minutes that I was in the Whisper Room all I wanted was my phone so I could DO something. We as a society are always so wound up with constantly being on out phones, laptops, iPods, iPads, and other electronic devices that we often forget what true silence is like. I can see why people love meditation. Silence is a beautiful thing.

After we left the Whisper Room my cousin and I headed back upstairs to use some of the spa’s facilities. We hopped in the sauna until it got too hot and then I headed out to one of the spa’s multiple hot tubs. My favorite is the one that is an outside infinity pool style. It’s so calming to sit at the edge and look out at the forest.

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Not the view from the hot tub but pretty much the same.

All in all… Spa day was a success.

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Post massage, oiled up and happy.

I also made a little friend in the gift shop!

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Sadly, I had to leave him behind (ill always remember you, little polkadot bunny!).

After I was all calm and relaxed from the spa, I headed to the lodge’s gym to get in a good workout! Since my hip is acting I decided to take it to the stationary bike for one of my recent favorite workouts.

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The biker babes workout from my favorite girls over at Tone It Up!

Honestly, when I was skeptical when I did this workout for the first time a couple of weeks ago. I was afraid that the bike wouldn’t be good enough of a workout and that I wouldn’t burn enough calories. BOY OH BOY was I wrong !

If done at the right intensity you WILL have sweat pooling down your face to the point that it begins to get embarrassing. TRY THIS WORKOUT NOW.

After finishing the workout I headed over to the weight section of the gym with the intention of doing Tone It Up’s bikini strap workout …

Then I saw the kettle bells.

I don’t own a kettle bell at home so I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to try my very first ever kettle bell workout! And oh yes was it wonderful.

I did (of course) Tone It Up’s “Saved by the Bell” workout, a major throwback by them.

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I repeated the routine four times using a 15 pound kettle bell for the kettle bell swings and a 10 pound one for the rest of the workout.

I ended up being the only one remaining in the gym and left happy and sweaty beyond belief.

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I headed home and showered and headed pool side to read a book by one of my favorite authors. My idea of perfection right there. Pool side + good book + post-workout buzz.

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Well. I hope this iPhone written post wasn’t too much of a mess. It definitely was a mess to upload. Have a wonderful night!

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What Makes a Runner a Runner?


Good morning!

I’m sitting outside as I type this and by the looks of it, I really need to get running if I want to beat the rain.. Although, who doesn’t love a good summer run in the rain?

I started my morning off with Tone It Up’s Fourth of July workout.

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I love this workout for days where my body’s tired because while it’s definitely a good strength workout, it’s not ridiculously tough. It’s right in the middle. Plus, I like any excuse to use my exercise ball… hehehe

Breakfast came soon after with a clean-out-the-fridge-smoothie (i.e. I’m going away today and needed to use up the fruit). IMG_9269

1/2 a banana, blueberries, ice, water, and Sunwarrior Vanilla Protein Powder + some water on the side ;).

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After completing some college stuff I headed out for a super sweaty 5 miler. Screen Shot 2013-07-02 at 2.31.44 PM

Like I said earlier, it looked like it was going to storm any minute so the humidity was INSANE! My body has been super fatigued the last few days for some reason and my hip has started acting up again (I hurt it last year) so while I took it easy I was still so exhausted. My spits looked like this:

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The first mile I had so stop at about 4 red lights (the WORST) and I didn’t pause my timer, hence the obscenely slow pace. Mile 4, I stopped and walked for about .2 miles. Walking during a run makes me freak out, for some reason there’s that little voice in my head that yells, “You’re so pathetic! How dare you call yourself a real runner! Real runners push through and aren’t to pathetic to run a simple 5 miler and a disgustingly slow pace!” 

I’ve heard a lot of runners say things similar to this, that they feel like they’re unworthy because they run a little slower than others or because they take a walking break. It’s important to push these emotions out of your head. I’m not saying that it’s easy to do, and I’m certainly not always able to keep that little green monster at bay. But, it’s important to remind yourself of this, “You are runner if you run. Period.” I run because I love it, yes I do it for the calorie burning thing as well but honestly, running is my favorite form of exercise for a reason. It’s my favorite thing in the world, and part of being a runner is knowing your body. If it’s hurting (not the tired kind of hurting, the actual pain kind of hurting) it’s ok to stop and take a little break! You’re not destroying your entire workout by walking for a couple of minutes. I normally never take walking breaks, I can run for over an hour and normally feel perfectly fine. If I’m feeling off one day, if I’m sick, exhausted, or just not feelin’ it one day it’s OK to rest up a little bit. Walking .2 miles of my 5 mile run isn’t going to make me gain a million pounds or make other people deem me as a failure.

I am me. I know myself better than anyone. I know my limits. It’s OK to not always be super hard on myself.

Anyways… back to that humidity…

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The best part about running is that I can feel like this (embarrassing myself on the internet is always fun) right when I finish…

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and then like THIS ^^ 5 minutes later (pardon my makeup-free sweaty face).

Running’s awesome like that, no matter how horrible you feel during a run, how amazing you feel for the rest of the day.

Oh! And I tried a new running hair style today!

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This was supposed to be a 5 strand braid…

Also, I’m obviously an expert at taking hair photos. Vogue should call me right now!

I need to leave to go away in a couple of hours and I haven’t even done my laundry yet, let alone packed… I should probably get on that. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to work out blogging while I’m away since there isn’t any internet in the house but I shall try to figure it out…

Until next time!

Questions…

Do you like running in the rain?

What kind of hairstyle do you wear when you run?

Are you ever a victim of self-depreciating thoughts about running? 

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