I didn’t get home until late last night so I planned on writing a post this morning about yesterday, then today wound up busy and I only just got home and it’s late again! But I shall write a post and it will be quality (not that any of my posts are actually quality) despite my sleepy, blurred vision. Going out with people honestly freaks me out, I need time at home after social situations (meaning I can’t normally go out two days in a row) to regroup my thoughts and lessen anxiety. I’m honestly proud of myself for carrying through with my plans. Especially yesterday’s…
Yesterday there was a meet-up of kids from New York that are going to my college at the beach. It wasn’t school organized or anything, it was just an idea that someone posted in the school’s new student Facebook group so we could meet some semi-local kids before school starts. I knew that it was probably one of the best things that I could do … but it was also one of the scariest things I could imagine. Thes severe social anxiety I have means that I have trouble being around a group of people (I’ve been known to just walk out of family parties because I get too nervous… rude, I know) and it being a group of people I had never met, or really even spoken to before, that was terrifying in itself. Then, to add to my anxiety, the meet-up was at the beach. The beach has always been one of my favorite places in the world, but the idea of being seen in a bathing suit has really made me barely go anymore. I’ve only gone a handful of times since the summer going into Sophomore year, I was so scared. I really had to force myself to go, I had to mentally push myself out the door. I didn’t want the first impression that some of my future classmates had of me be that super fat and ugly girl, but I guess that would happen even in clothes. I forced myself out the door and once I payed my 10 dollars to get into the beach, it was set that I had to go.
It wound up being very fun. Was I mentally freaking out the whole time? Yes. Do I regret going? No.
As terrifying as it is, the only way to heal and grow is to push through anxieties. People without things like social anxiety, OCD, or BDD don’t really get how all consuming the disease is. It’s nearly impossible to just “not think about it” as so many people advise me to do when I’m freaking out about going out in public. The thing is though, if we never force ourself into that place beyond were our anxiety says not to go, there is no way of getting better. I actually had a heart-to-heart with my cousin about this last night when we were in the car. Me going so far away to school is terrifying, I know that it can end really badly. I get nervous being away from home for more than 3 days. How am I expecting to live a 2 hour plane ride from where my home is? I don’t know. But I know I have to do it. Right now I’m at a stand still in healing and honestly, I don’t want to get better. But I know that staying here, I would never take a step forward. I’m literally pushing myself to the extreme by going far away to school. I know it can end badly for me, but I know that it may also wind up being exactly what I need to heal myself. Pushing is important, albeit uncomfortable, it’s necessary.
Those swimmer motion arm exercises were so hard for me! For some reason even though I work my arms every day I feel like they are so weak. Maybe it’s a lack of nutrition thing? I don’t think so, but I’m not sure.
Mandatory smoothie picture
My workout later on in the day was a really nice speed workout on the treadmill. I felt especially good today when it came to the speed intervals, I just felt happy and very comfortable in the discomfort. It was just a good workout day.
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Tonight I met up with a couple of girl friends that I haven’t seen in a while and we went and saw DESPICABLE ME 2!!! AHH!!
It was honestly such an adorable, hysterical, and well done movie. I loved the first one and this was DEFINITELY just as good. Also, I basically aspire to be Agnes
Not quite sure whether or not thats a good thing but… just look at her.
Afterwards, we went to Rita’s and got ices. I’m trying not to freak out too much about the fact that I ate almost all of my mint chocolate chip italian ice and trying to focus on the fact that I had a really nice night. I normally have myself convinced that my friends don’t actually like me and that I’m a burden on everyone. It was nice to joke and laugh and to really feel that I have friends that love me. I’m so luck and so grateful to have that.
And I’ll part with just one more picture of little Agnes because she’s my favorite person.