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Liberated


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So… remember that part time job that I got a few weeks ago?

Well, yesterday I quit that job.

Since I got the job, I had been having panic attacks every. single. night. I have anxiety, it is not uncommon for me to get panicky over little things and I have had many severe panic attacks over the course of my life. However, never in my life have I had so many extreme panic attacks in such a short amount of time. I am not exaggerating when I say that they were every singe night. Every night, when I would be trying to get some much needed sleep, I would not be able to breathe, all of a sudden I would be hysterical, shaking, and pulling out my hair. I felt as though my chest was being crushed. The worst part was that the sheer fact that I was having panic attacks over being overwhelmed because of my part-time job (in reality, there is much more going on that contributed to the attacks), made me feel like a failure for not being able to handle it.

The night before last, it was the absolute worst. It was honestly one of the worst panic attacks of my entire life. I had had a horrible day at work, they kept scheduling me for about 30 hours a week when we had agreed on 20 since I am a full-time student. They also kept scheduling me for Saturdays when I have no availability to work on Saturdays and whenever I would talk to them about it I would get yelled at. I know it doesn’t seem like a lot, but my manager was just so mean and honestly I am just bad at handling things. I am not proud of giving up, but there are so many things going on in my personal life and back home and with school and I just haven’t been doing well at all lately.

I happen to be really lucky to have the people in my life that I do. My best friends here at school, Shannon, went for a walk with me at 4 o’clock in the morning that night because she knew that things were really bad and I was really starting to scare myself. I needed to walk and get some of the anxiety out because if I had just continued to lay in bed, it just would have gotten a million times worse. She let me cry and spoke to me and gave me some really great advice.

“There is nothing, no part-time job, no school work, no situation, that is worth your sacrificing your health and happiness.” I know that it is nothing all that profound, but it was really what I needed to here. I knew that it wasn’t the right time for me to have a job, I knew that I was over scheduling myself and I knew that I took on too much too fast. At the same time, I needed the money, I was happy that I had a job, and more than anything, I didn’t want to make my mom, or my friends, think I am a failure. I am big on not quitting things, whether they be activities or relationships with people, even if they are making me miserable, because I feel like I am portraying myself as a failure.

The next morning, I sat in the closet of my dorm room and sobbed on the phone with my mom. She told me that she was proud of me and that I wasn’t a failure. She said the same thing to me that Shannon did, that nothing was worth sacrificing my health.

Sometimes you just really need to get your mom’s input before you make a decision.

So I quit my job. I’m terrified about money, but at the same time, I am also excited. For the first time in my life, I was to focus on the things that make me happy. I am going to work on my blog and the book I am writing and my running and I am going to start doing hot yoga again and I am going to do volunteer work. I am going to use this semester to focus on both school and healing myself.

The only good thing about all this stress? How amazing a run can make me feel after.

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I went out planning to run 3 miles… Wound up running 6. I just felt so free, I love running for that. I am so thankful to running, it is the only healthy coping mechanism that I have (I know that’s not good), and I am blessed to be able to run.

And now to heavily caffeinate myself and get some school work done! Lots of tests this upcoming week!

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