Hey guys. Today’s post is going to be a heavy(isn) one.
I’ve been going back and forth for a while about full-on addressing this in a blog post for a while now, it’s really not a big deal… But it’s something that I am afraid that it will lead my blog to a path that I don’t want it to go on. At the same time, I want this blog to be an outlet. Do I want to have readers? Of course! I don’t know a single “blogger” that doesn’t want tons of people reading their blogs, regardless of what they may claim. I mean, we are posting our lives on the internet for a reason, right?
There is, however, a fine line between sharing and over-sharing. As a blogger with no real “mold” that I fit into (I would say I’m mostly a healthy living blogger… But I don’t know if I even qualify for that title haha), I want to be able to talk about my life and my thoughts and hopefully have people out there read what I write and relate to what I am going through. However, it’s tough to share your life on the internet… There is a part of me that wants to spill my entire life story and every single morbid/happy/random/hopeful/pessimistic thought that pops into my mind… But something tells me that that would not make for the most enjoyable blog to read, nor would it make Snapbacksnandracingflats the positive and uplifting place that I want it to be.
Yet, I know that by holding things back, I am keeping this blog from being anything more than a place for me to say what I ate and how much I ran that day… To me, that’s not what blogging is about.
So here it goes, I know that I have referenced to this fact before… But I have never (at least, not in any posts that are still live) said this flat out on here.
I have an eating disorder… Or I am in recovery from an eating disorder, and I have been for the past 3 years.
When I first started this blog, it was completely as a, “spill your guts,” outlet. I had recently gotten out of the hospital after being admitted for my low weight and heart rate, I had also just lost my father… So my life was kinda-sorta a mess.
So that’s when Snapbacks and Racing Flats was born, although, back then it was called Erin Learns to Live.
The problem with prefacing a blog with the fact that you are in recovery from an eating disorder is that, once you release that information into the world, it a) stays with you, b) drives people/readers away and c) makes it feel like the focus of your blog has to be your recovery.
So, about a year into blogging, I went back and deleted all of my posts and restarted.
Then I did it again a year later.
Right now, at almost a year since the blog that is now Snapbacks and Racing Flats (can I call it SandR for short?), it is the longest that I have gone blogging without deleting the whole thing.
And I am really enjoying writing this thing… But there is something missing.
I struggle… A lot. And while I don’t plan on, nor do I want to posting about all of my unhealthy thoughts and how depressed and miserable I am every day, this illness is a part of me, and I use up a large majority of my life-force each and every day trying to fight the incessant horrible voice in my head that is telling me that I am not good enough. The one that is telling me to skip a meal. The one that is telling me that a 3 mile run isn’t enough of a workout and that I need to do much more.
I’ve been fighting this monster inside my brain for a long time… Almost 10 years now (my official diagnosis was almost 4 years ago, but I was ill long before that), and I have come so far. I don’t want this blog to become an annoying teenager with a disorder that whines about how hard things are and makes people feel uneasy.
I want this to be a place of positivity, health, and most importantly, hope. I want to be able to show people that you can over come a heck of a lot of (pardon my french) shit that life throws at you. You can do anything, That you set your mind to. You exist for a reason, and I want to make sure that no one every forgets that. I am not the most religious person on the planet, I will admit to that… But I truly, 100% believe that everyone is born with a mission. There is not a single person on this planet that doesn’t have a purpose, although it is so easy to sometimes think the opposite. These thoughts are poison.
I’ll never be successful.
I’m such a failure.
I’m not good enough… Not attractive/thin/smart/rich/athletic/talented enough.
I am unimportant.
I really don’t know how this post that was supposed to be just a brief overview of what is really my story (my eating disorder is actually how I found healthy living blogs, which helped so much in my recovery! It is also how I found a love for running.) turned into one of the most wordy posts I have ever done…
But truly, I really hope that this whole thing makes sense and is not just a jumble of words…Because that is honestly what it feels like. I feel like my brain is just going and my hands are just typing… I’m not really thinking much about what I am writing. So I’m sorry.
I just… I wanted this fact, my diagnosis, to be known. Not because it is my identity… If I have learned anything in these past 3 years is that I am SO MUCH MORE than my diagnosis (and so are you!), but to disclose to you, my reader friends, some information that I think is important in doing what I am doing here, sharing my life. And my recovery from this disease that has grasped me so tightly for such a long time is a huge part of my life. I feel that by releasing this little secret about me (although this is scary as hell), will make blogging a little bit easier. I feel as though I can put more of myself into what I am writing, and I hope that this will help this blog grow… Because I really do love this thing. And even though I know that there are maybe two people that read this thing, I couldn’t be happier. I hope that those two people reading this take something away from my blog. I hope that they know that they are more than enough and that they are special and worth it. I hope they know that they are strong and beautiful.
I hope they know that I am thankful for them.