thinking out loud

Thinking Out Loud 7.31.2014 – I Fear Oblivion…

Hey everyone.

So, I have been mulling over whether or not to even put this post up for a while now… There are a few reasons.

1. It’s not even Thursday anymore.

2. I really should be asleep right now.

3. I’m having a really bad night and this post will probably just wind up being a spewing of thoughts and emotions that are less-than-cheerful.

But hey, if there’s any day to just babble… Thursday would be it.



As always, shootout to our lovely host for creating this link up.

1. Hit the pool nice and early for a workout before heading off to therapy.

300 warm up

3×100 pull-kick-swim freestyle series

2×200 freestyle at moderately hard pace

1×100 reverse IM (freestyle, breaststroke, backstroke, butterfly)

2×50 freestyle sprint

4×25 freestyle sprint

1×50 butterfly

1×150 pull-kick-swim freestyle series

300 cooldown


2. Thursdays have recently become my least favorite day of the week. I spend all day rushing to and from therapy, and then to work. And because I seem to be a failure at being a human being… I can’t handle my part time job.

The amount of anxiety that it gives me is insane.

Also, my schedule was just changed on me and now I am working double the amount that I had expected to… Part of my issues with food and anxiety come from a need for control (a very common cause for these problems), and I have none of that with work and I am really struggling. I started hyperventilating and my heart started racing and I was fighting back tears for a majority of my shift.

There are no words for how ashamed I am that I can’t handle something as simple as this. Normal people can have part time jobs.

Normal people can work a ton more than me and be fine.

Normal people don’t start shaking when their schedules are given to them.

How am I ever going to hold a “real job” when I’m older?

These are just some of the thoughts and concerns that were consuming me.

Then, once I finally was done with closing the restaurant… I went home, walked through the door, and collapsed on the floor in tears.

Again, I am ashamed.

3. On a completely different note, we had somewhat of a breakthrough at therapy today… We may have discovered what exactly is the source of my mental health problems.

See, one of the issues that I have always had is that I have no reason for why I am the way I am. I had a wonderful childhood in a wonderful home with two wonderful parents that loved me. I was bullied when I was older, and yes I lost my father, but my issues with food, body image, anxiety, etc. date back to way before any of that.

However, I have, for as long as I can remember, had a phobia.

I have a phobia of oblivion.

Yes, I am aware that I sound like I’m trying to be a character in a John Green novel (A Fault in Our Stars anyone?), but I have know about this phobia, and have struggled with it since I was about 4 years old. I just used to call it something different.

It was “the blackness.”

I was a very anxious child. I had panic attacks almost nightly at a very young age. I would freak out and have to go downstairs to my parents to lay with them and calm down. I didn’t want to tell them what I had been thinking about or what was really wrong, so I always just told them that I felt sick… Which was true since panic attacks make you feel like you are dying.

Anyways, I would start thinking about the finality dying and what if there was just nothing after it. I would think about how absolutely nothing is permanent. How that moment that I was currently in would never exist again.

And it terrified me.

Jump forward years later where my most severe panic attacks are still a result of that exact fear that my four year old self had. Oblivion.

And you know what?

I have no control over oblivion.

Nobody does.

So what if this need for control in my life is stemming from my immense fear of something so large and so definite that I have no control over?


So, we are trying to work on that phobia. To try to get my subconscious mind to stop freaking out and obsessing.

So we will see where this goes. But I have to say…

I am hopeful.


Wow, I am going to regret this post in the morning. My apologies!



What’s your favorite type of sandwich? (I want to ask an unrelated and light hearted question after such a heavy post and this was the first one that came to mind……. Tell me! I want to know!) I’m a sucker for a classic PB&J. Also, these is this panini place by me that makes the BEST paninis with eggplants and sundries tomatoes… Mmm!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s