Tried a new type of interval training from Women’s Health called the B.I.T.E method. You can read about it here. I’m not 100% sure how I feel about it yet. I set 6mph as my start point (which can I just say is SO FLIPPING HARD on incline 8) and added .1 to all of the increases to make it a little bit more challenging. I’m going to need to do it a couple more times and adjust it accordingly before I decide how I feel about this type of training. Always fun to try something new though!
So it’s been a couple of days since my last post. For the most part, I took a little break from social media in it’s entirety. Didn’t post. Didn’t read blogs.
I did put a picture on instagram though…
I really wish that I could give you some deep and meaningful reason for my (short) hiatus from the world. I wish I could say that I was “taking time to embrace the world around my by cutting ties with the electronic devices that have taken so much from our society and blah blah blah…”
But I can’t.
If I’m completely honest, I have just been spiraling downward lately and it got to a point where I just shut down completely.
I really am trying to keep this blog a positive place, I swear. But at the same time, I can’t be fake… Even if it’s through a computer. I can’t write about my day with enthusiasm while I am actually falling apart.
So I just didn’t post anything.
Again, I don’t want to post too many negative things on here, so in a nutshell, I had severe panic attacks two days in a row, one of them being in the movie theatre with my best friend and the other one being at work.
Yup. At work.
I actually started shaking and crying and my coworker sent me to the restroom to try to calm down and I couldn’t and she was so unbelievably sweet and kind to me and went to talk to my manager who pulled me aside and, after speaking with me and being far kinder to me than I deserved, sent me home.
And that was that, my last day working that job… And I feel pathetic. Why can’t I handle something as simple as a part time job?
Woah. Ok. Those thoughts aren’t for this place.
Anyway, I left work and contemplated just driving home. Instead, I decided to take the initiative and try to do something positive for my mind and body instead of laying on the floor at home feeling sorry for myself (unfortunately, it is my first instinct to do this when things get bad). So I got myself a coffee with all the fix-ins and drove myself to the beach to take a therapeutic walk along the boardwalk while the sun set.
I know this probably seems ridiculous, but I am actually proud of myself for going on this walk. For whatever reason, while a majority of me wants to get better and live a happy and normal life, there is a small part of my brain that is holding onto my mental illnesses with all that it has.
And this part of my brain is strong.
I am so resistant to anything that can possibly help me get better. Even when we are doing our work in therapy I can feel my brain screaming, “No! I don’t want this!”
And how is that productive?
So what I’m saying is, just the fact that I took the initiative to drive to the beach, a place that has always brought me great joy, and go for a walk instead of driving home where it’s “safe” is a big step for me.
We live in a really amazing world, and I hate that so many of us don’t realize it or can’t realize it. There is so much happening, whether it be mental illness, business, or just plain disinterest, that is keeping us from truly living the lives that we should be living.
I want to travel. I want to see the world. You know that feeling where you look up at the sky and it’s so beautiful that it almost feels like you are seeing it for the first time?
I want to experience that more.
I want to be happy.I want everyone on this planet to be happy.
That being said, I just wanted to share with you a couple of things to smile about today.
1. Trying new treats!
Ok, maybe this pertains only to me… But I went grocery shopping and found some new goodies to try. This makes me a lot happier than it probably should.
2. This article on instagram and what pictures make it look like is happening vs. what’s really going on.
You’ll laugh. I promise.
3. Munchkin kittens.
Their little legs… I can’t.
4. Not a cat person? I got you.
5. Don’t like animals? Here’s some cute breakfast foods with faces.
Still not smiling?
Go outside, take a deep breath of fresh air, and remember how lucky you are to be here on this earth. It sounds corny, but it’s true, and it’s something that we as humans too often forget.
Thank you for reading. Hopefully I’ll be back in the swing of things tomorrow. I have orientation for college in the morning. Oh gosh.