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Guess Who’s Back and Living For Grace


Hey everyone.

Workout: Insanity Plyometric Cardio Circuit.

Insanity is, and will forever be, my go-to at home workout. Never gets old and is always a great challenge.

I want to do more cardio, but I know that I probably shouldn’t (I’m still working on the whole over-exercising thing)… So I’m thinking I’ll do some strength instead. I really need to get back into the weights!

 

So, if you haven’t noticed… It’s been almost a week since my last post. Ever since my cousin passed away, I just haven’t felt up to blogging, nor has it felt right. Thinking and writing about my menial life when my family (myself included) is in grieving and when my little angel of a cousin isn’t on this earth anymore just felt wrong. But, life goes on… And blogging is therapeutic for me. I definitely needed a break from blogging/social media, but now I’m ready to get back into it! Blogging with enthusiasm still feels hard though.

I know it sounds cliche, but unfortunately, it too often takes extreme tragedy to really appreciate all that you have in life. I am so grateful for so many things… So many things that my little cousin was never able to experience due to her illness, and will never be able to experience.

I want to be grateful for the world and really start living my life. I want to do it with grace , for Grace.

She was such a special little girl. A real life angel. Her illness prevented her from ever lying, ever hating. She had no sin. She was pure. An innocent.

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I just wish that I could properly express what Grace meant, not only to my family, but to every single person that was lucky enough to have had her in their life. Her teachers, the staff that took care of her at the home she lived at, friends, other caretakers over the years… She was a shining light.

People search and wait their entire lives to see a sign of God… To see proof.

I think Grace was that proof.

Honestly, I don’t know what I believe in. I was raised Catholic and attended Catholic school my entire life… I was very strong in my faith for a majority of my life. However, in my senior year of high school, I lost that faith. I don’t know what happened. I just woke up one day and it was gone.

But Grace was a real angel. Her life meant so much… And I just hope that wherever she is right now, she is able to think and function like a healthy little girl. I hope that she can speak and run and jump and dance and enjoy all the simple things that we, as “healthy” human beings, take for granted.

Speaking of which. Last night, I experienced that true gratitude for life.

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It was just my mom and I last night, so we decided to head over to the beach to go for a nice walk.

It was beautiful.

 

 

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We also stopped by our local Fairway (my favorite supermarket of all time… sorry Trader Joe’s) to pick up some food from the hot food/grain bars to bring down to eat on the beach.

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Seaweed salad, sweet potatoes with black beans, salmon, tofu dill salad, spaghetti squash, and roasted beets.

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Carrots, couple pieces of pasta, mushroom, more tofu salad, more beets, spinach… Needless to say, I had A LOT of leftovers for today. Salad/hot food bars of any kind are pretty much my favorite. I love being able to try a little bit of everything.

After eating, we just walked and talked (a lot of the conversation being about Grace) and took in the salty air, the sounds of the ocean, and the beautiful world around us.

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I have been in  really bad place lately. I am gaining weight, I am eating out of emotion (which just makes me more emotional because I freak out… vicious cycle), my digestive issues have been getting really bad again, I have no idea how I am going to handle being away at school, and then there is Grace. Grace’s funeral brought up so many feelings that I didn’t even know that I had. I think that it brought up all the feelings about losing my dad that I have been repressing for years (I think I am still in the denial phase of morning… I remember my dad and having him, but it doesn’t feel the memories of him are my own… if that makes any sense at all) and it was a mess. The day of the funeral, I cried for over 6 hours straight with no stopping. I had a panic attack during the funeral and then spent the next 5 hours curled up in the car in hysterics while the rest of my family was together.

I am just sick and tired of not living my life to the fullest. I don’t live. I just exist. I know that I have mentioned this before, and I know that I have made a vow to truly live… But now with Grace having passed away, I feel more obligated to really try than I had prior.

I can do this.

 

 

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