Hey guys. Remember me?
(Here’s an awkward deer-in-the-headlights selfie just in case you forgot what I look like).
Anyway, I’m sure you’ve been wondering where the heck I have been (ok, you probably haven’t actually been wondering that…), so here’s a quick update.
As you may know, I moved to New York City for school about a month ago. It has definitely been a big adjustment. My roommate didn’t move in for the first few weeks (she should be moving in this upcoming week), so I was essentially completely on my own. Honestly, I like being on my phone. I prefer it. Living in close quarters with someone who doesn’t know me really sets my anxiety skyrocketing. I think it’s just the typical nervousness that comes with living with someone I don’t know in combination with the fact that I have anxiety, am prone to crying for no reason and having meltdowns, and having anxious fits (the most embarrassing and shameful thing ever), and having to really constantly force myself to pretend that everything is ok and to suppress my emotions in an effort to make sure that my roommate doesn’t’ think that I am some emotionally unstable psychopath.
On top of this, the main reason that I originally stopped blogging for a while was due to being piled high with work (I’m taking 18 hours of class a week) while adjusting to a new life in a new place.
I felt like I had to force myself to blog, whereas I typically just did it out of enjoyment. I felt like I was being pathetic for not being able to balance blogging and doing my Youtube channel and do all of my school work whilst trying to figure out what I am doing with my life. I mean, there are plenty of people who not only have blogs whilst WORKING full time, but also have families and a social life while also blogging as a job, meaning that they need to put more time and effort into their blog than I do with my tiny blog that no one really reads.
But I do this this where I put an obscene amount of pressure on myself for no good reason whatsoever.
After missing a couple of days of blogging, I was filled with tons of ideas for Mental Health Mondays as well as some New York City living posts and heaps of other things. I was so excited to write them. However, the moment that I found time to sit down and write… I just couldn’t find it in me to put words together.
I was, and still am, in a rut.
It’s almost funny. I feel like half of my posts on here reference to my being in a rut.. But the thing is, I have been in one for years. The only difference is that sometimes I manage to pull myself up a little bit, whilst other times I find myself buried to far in the darkest places in my mind and am become paralyzed.
I have been paralyzed.
I just honestly feel like I am having an existential crisis. I am in a city that I love, but I am not finding the drive to really enjoy it. I have no energy. I seriously can barely find the strength to walk up a few flights of stairs most days. My weight has gone up. I am watching it go up and up and I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to be seen by people. I feel like I am unable to keep up with my schoolwork. I don’t enjoy the classes that I am taking, even though I should, and I feel like I can’t retain any of the information that I am learning. I feel like my life is at a standstill. I feel like I am wasting my days away and it completely freaks me out. I don’t know what my purpose is. I don’t know what I am supposed to do with my life. I don’t have friends… But I don’t feel any drive to make an effort to actually make friends. I just want to be home and hiding away… But I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life… And I feel like I will be if I don’t make friends now. I am just scared for the future and I have no direction in which way to go to make things better.
Wow, I’m sorry for the rant… It just feels really good to be blogging again. I really have missed it. I need to remind myself how much I enjoy it and I need to keep with it. It really is a huge stress reliever and outlet for me… Yet I am so unable to put words together most days because I know that the way I write and the things that I write about aren’t exactly things that people want to read about… And I want people to read my blog. I want to network and connect with people while still feeling comfortable and safe behind the screen of my laptop. Is that normal? Probably now. I don’t know. I really don’t know what I am saying.
Anyways… How about some things that actually have been making me happy and thankful to be alive lately?
Smoothie bowls that taste exactly like vanilla bean ice cream.
Putting together delicious dishes and treats for my family when we had everyone over for my grandpa’s birthday last Sunday!
Finding coffee in NYC for under 3 bucks that also has the option of putting soy milk in for no extra charge.
Morning runs in Central Park… They never get old.
I hope you are all having a wonderful Sunday. I apologize for how much I complained in this post and I thank you so much if you actually read it. I will be back tomorrow with another Mental Health Monday post!