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This Was Supposed To Be A Five Things Friday Post.


Hey everyone! Who’s stoked it’s Friday?

Workout – Insanity Plyometric Cardio Circuit.

So nice to be home for the weekend and able to do Insanity. I miss it when I’m at school! This morning’s workout was originally meant to be a run.. But I had to drive my mom to the train station and my brother to school and I wound up just not having enough time to get in the miles that I wanted to before having to get ready and leave for therapy.

This blog has officially become the most neglected thing in my life (ok, that may be a stretch). In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m not exactly a particularly interesting person, nor is my life all that exciting. I have a lot of thoughts that I would love to go on about and share with the world… But they don’t all exactly fit into a nice clean package. What I’m saying is that I am the very definition of a mess. I want to blog about health. I want to blog about eating disorder recovery. I want to blog about my life (who the heck would care about that?!). I want to blog about running. I want to blog about the environment. I want to blog about fashion. I want to blog about music. I just want to write. Basically, I am all over the place… And this results in my getting very overwhelmed (I get overwhelmed way too easily, it’s something that I am working on). Once I’m overwhelmed, I start spiraling down into an anxiety attack. After this begins, I begin to mentally tell myself off for my having no right to be overwhelmed when there are so many people (most people actually) who do so much more than me and get it all done and still have free time and social lives. This results in guilt. Which, you guessed it, results in more anxiety. And the kicker here? This all results in nothing getting done. Basically, I don’t know what I am doing with this blog. I think I put a lot of pressure on myself because I really would love for this blog to become something. It may sound pathetic, but the only type of job that I can see myself having any success in in the future is one that involves blogging or Youtube or anything of the like. Again, it sounds stupid. I know. I mean, I just sound like a spoiled little kid who doesn’t want to get a “real job” ever… Right? The thing is, just with the whole anxiety thing… Being trapped in an office all day or having a very strict schedule just seems like it would result in my having a meltdown. That all being said, hopefully if I keep working at it and meditating and going to therapy, I’ll be able to get over all of this depression and anxiety and then, who knows, maybe I will, somehow, have some actual success in something one day. I don’t really know. I just hope that it’s possible for me. I fee like such a dumb kid with a bad case of, “special snowflake,” syndrome. I know that so many people struggle with my exactly mental issues and I know that many people have it so much worse than me (I’m not saying I have a bad life by any means, just that I have a bad mental state)… And they have success in life and drive and they… They have lives. So who am I to think that I have the right to struggle? Who am I to keep screwing up? To haul myself up away from the world because it all just seems to big and scary and overwhelming? Who am I to think that I can maybe be someone one day instead of having to fall into the the routine of the endlessly getting up daily and going to work in a place that I hate so I can have money to support myself? Who am I to think that maybe I could be different? I just … I don’t know. Oh. As per usual, I sat down to write a light-hearted post about things I’ve been up to lately and instead wound up spewing out a whole bunch of nonsensical angst and musings. Welcome to Snapbacks And Racing Flats kids. But seriously… I apologize if you read my blog. Does anyone read this thing? Hellooooo? I’m currently sitting in a Starbucks with my coffee (blonde roast with soy milk is pretty delicious fyi) and am trying to somehow get my Youtube video that should already be up edited. DSCF3271

Yeah.. Um… this happened. I really wanted to do some sort of Halloween-themed video since I absolutely love Halloween but never get to celebrate it because, well, no friends. Unfortunately, I obviously have no idea why I am doing and my attempt at a Tim Burton’s The Corpse Bride themed makeup look wound up looking like… well… this.

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I also can’t even begin to explain to you what a mess I made of my dorm room while trying to maneuver all of the different face paints and things while filming.

I know that my Youtube channel isn’t exactly ground-breaking or entertaining or even quality… But I am really loving doing it. Aside from school, I feel that I don’t have menu things really driving me in life right now. Yes I have running and I want to train more and get my distance up and sign up for a half-marathon once I have the money… But other than that, I am really struggling to find a sense of purpose.

Now, I know that saying that my little Youtube channel with it’s couple of viewers gives me and my life meaning sounds pretty obscene… But, it does. My Youtube channel is an outlet for me to express myself and be creative and express myself.

It’s no secret that I struggle with self-esteem and body image and, well, human interaction. So this channel is really a way for me to challenge myself. I’m editing my video right now, and I can’t tell you how disgusted I am looking at this thing. Not only did I film this right after getting back from a run (probably not my best idea)… But I can see in in relation so some of my videos from the summer and it is so noticable in my face that I have put on weight.

Needless to say, I would rather not upload this thing.

But I’m going to. I am challenging myself to not care and to try and accept myself as I am and put myself out there. It’s terrifying… And exciting.

And now I am off to finish editing this video and go grocery shopping! Exciting times guys. Exciting times.

To end this post on a happy note, here’s a photo of an adorable puppy in a frog costume.

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Oh, you are so welcome.

I don’t know.

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The Post That Wasn’t Supposed To Be Super Deep But Wound Up Being Exactly That…


Hey everyone.

Workout – 6 miles in Central Park.

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I don’t know what it is, but my legs have been feeling super dead since school started back in August. In fact, my entire body has just been feeling exhausted. I know that I don’t get enough sleep, but I didn’t get much sleep at home… So no change there. I also am working out significantly less than I was over the summer (which I need to change)… So I don’t get why I have been feeling this way.

That being said, I am so happy to be running again after having to take almost 3 weeks off. I just wish that my body was as happy to be running as my brain is.

I also just need to state for the umpteenth time just how much I love running in Central Park. Not only is it aesthetically beautiful, but it is also just such a…. I don’t know… spiritual(?) place to me. The vibe is just amazing.

I love how busy it is. I love seeing people of all ages, genders, ethnicities, etc. out running, walking, and biking. It’s one of those unique places where you can be surrounded by activity, but still be enveloped by a feeling of absolute serenity.

I also love how it feels like a completely different world than New York City. Here you have what is one of the busiest cities in the world, yet it couldn’t feel any less like it.

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I found myself in the middle of the “woods” today during my run. I hit a dead end, and very unlike myself, I felt compelled to stop an meditate. I sat down on a rock, closed my eyes, and meditated in the style that I spoke about the other day. Yup, I did the chants and everything. I seriously felt myself leave myself if that makes any sense. I was surrounded by nature and the sounds of the birds and the wind (today was the coldest and windiest day every, I swear) blowing through the trees. I just kind of felt at complete peace with the world and with myself, and that is not a feeling that I am used to. Typically, I am just constantly consumed by my complete self loathing.

I really want to become a more spiritual person. It’s funny actually… We live in such an amazing and storage and magical world. I am grateful for the air I breathe and the sky above me and the grass and the water and for all of the places that I have been and for all of the places that I hope to someday go. That all being said, I can never get myself to just sit and meditate and really take it all in.

In my mind, I am the kind of person that wants to run around barefoot to absorb the earth’s vibrations and practices yoga, and meditates daily… But I’m not. But I want to be. Does that make any sense?

I wish I could pinpoint exactly what is holding me back. I don’t know if it’s some sort of fear or anxiety surrounding this.. Or if it is just my putting obscene amount of pressure on myself as I always do.

I, like many people suffering from eating disorders, addiction, etc., am a very extreme person. When I focus my attention on something, I feel that I need to give that one thing 110%. Anything less absolute perfection is a complete failure and failure can’t happen because then I just spiral downward into a self-inflicted cycle of despair over my, “not being good enough.” I want to be this spiritual person, but I also like makeup and clothes and don’t want to just get rid of everything and start living a life of complete minimalism. I am not in the place right now where I want to go 100% vegan (although I will say that my diet is predominantly plant based). Because of these factors, along with my not meditating every day or living and breathing yoga, I feel as though if I were to try to discover a type of spirituality… I would be a fraud.

That being said, I know that I need to, in some form, live a more spiritual life.

I grew up attending Catholic school my entire life. I was never one of the super duper into the church/involved in every type of church organization type of kids. But I did, in my own quiet way, have a deeply routed faith. And I cannot even begin to tell you how many times that faith, quite literally, saved my life.

When I was younger and having my severe suicidal thoughts, it was a fear of going to hell (I had a teacher who told me that suicides go to hell once and it stuck with me) that kept me from going through with the act. I now believe that if there is a hell, any God worth loving wouldn’t send a soul there that was hurting so deeply that they felt the need to end their lives. Still, this fear kept me from doing the unthinkable.

When I was in the hospital, having incapacitating panic attacks that had me screaming into pillows and shaking so violently that my IV would come out, it was a little rosary that my mom gave me that was the only way I could calm myself down. Each night in the hospital, I would fall asleep running those little beads through my fingers and praying.

Then one day, I woke up and my faith was gone. I kid you not, there was no event (yes my dad had died the previous year, but I never felt an anger towards God or a doubting in His existence from that) leading up to it. I just woke up this morning and poof. Nothing.

I had never felt so alone.

I don’t know what I believe in right now. I don’t really believe in anything, but I so desperately want to. Need to.

I always used to say to whoever would listen that I felt that there was nothing sadder than believing in absolutely nothing.

“I don’t care if you worship dogs as gods,” I would say. “You just need to believe in something. Because without a belief, what is there?”

And now I am one of those people that can’t believe in anything. And trust me, it’s just as sad as I believed it would be.

I have been listening to a lot of podcasts recently, and a lot of them feature very spiritual beings. Now, none of these people that are so inspiring to me are spiritual in the traditional sense. They aren’t preaching about Jesus (not that I have anything again this, because that couldn’t be further from the truth), nor are they hippy-dippy types (again, nothing wrong with that) going on about the vibes and pseudo-buddhism or any of the dogmatic stuff that everyone seems to love to claim they believe in more so because of it’s being trendy or different than their truly loving and understanding the religion or belief system.

No, these are people who have been in the depths of darkness. People who have overcome some truly heinous things and have transformed into some of the most amazing human being that walk this planet.

These are people who have found a type of spirituality that resonates with them and that they fell in love with . There are people who read and studied everything and felt compelled towards specific beliefs by powers greater than themselves. These are people that you know are spiritual beings, not because of what they tell you (in fact, most of them on the podcasts only speak about spirality for a tenth of the episode), but by the words they speak and the energy and vibrations that they emanate, even over just audio.

I feel that I need something, anything, to make me believe in something. I was to be free from these thoughts, this disease, that is keeping me from becoming the person that I want to be. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of hating myself, both physically and mentally. I am tired of feeling unfulfilled, and I am tired of feeling guilty for my feeling unfulfilled.

In one of the podcasts that I listened to earlier this week, the guest (I can’t remember who) said something along the lines of that once you have been at the point where you were truly suicidal or caught in complete and all consuming addiction, that you have already died. The time that you have when and if you get out of the darkness? It’s a gift. You were dead, but somehow you came back.. And now it is your responsibility to use that time that the universe has so generously gifted you and use it to give back to the world that you wanted to badly to leave. That is all I want.

I just want to be someone that is worth something.

This post was actually supposed to be about my trip to the Brooklyn Museum yesterday and how amazing it was.. But then, in typical Erin fashion, I started rambling about super deep and utterly uninteresting things… So, now I am just going to share with you a few pretty pictures from yesterday! Woohoo!

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recovery

Fat Is Not A Feeling


Hey all!

Workout –  I had originally planned on swimming this morning since I haven’t in a long time… But quite honestly, I just wasn’t feeling it.

Instead, I went for Insanity Asylum’s Game Day. Definitely my favorite workout from the Asylum vol. 1 version of Insanity.

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No Shaun T… It most certainly does not.

Breakfast – Breakfast was kind of sort of super exciting today. Actually, it’s always exciting… I just really love smoothie bowls guys.

But what made today’s meal extra special was this little guy.

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Dragon fruit!

You guys may have seen that I went to the asian grocery store near my home yesterday and came home with one (way too expensive) fun new fruit to try! 

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I really wasn’t expecting dragon fruit to be as mild as it is! I thought it would be sweeter, but it actually doesn’t have all that much flavor (or at least mine didn’t). Very nice and refreshing and I loved the crunch of all the little seeds in my smoothie. 

Plus, it’s just a really cool fruit to look at!

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So what I want to address today is something that I have (obviously) been struggling with for quite some time.

Feeling fat.

We have all, at one point or another, thought or uttered something along the lines of, “I feel fat today.” I mean, I know that I personally am guilty of saying that exact sentence (often accompanied by an “ugh”) at least once a day, often more.

But here’s the funny thing, fat is not a feeling.

Look at any list of the spectrum of emotions and I will guarantee you that never once will you find the word fat there. Happy? Yes. Angry? Yes. Disgruntled? Indeed. Fat? Nope.

You know what fat actually is? A macronutrient. 

Yes, fat can also be used as an adjective in describing a creature with an excessive amount of, well, fat. Fat is a substance. Fat is not a state of being.

Recently, I have been finding that I have been having “fat days” more often than not. And what is a “fat day” you ask? Well dear reader, a “fat day” is defined (by me) as one of those days where you wake up and the first thing that comes to mind upon getting up and moving your body is, “Ugh, I feel/am so fat today.”

Now here’s the thing, while some of those “fat days” that people have sometimes have a reasoning, whether it be a PMS symptom, a result of eating too much salt the night before, etc.. More often than not, the person having the “fat day” will, in fact, look and weight the same as he/she did the day before. They just can’t see it.

It’s all about perspective. 

The funny thing about feeling fat is how completely normal it seems in todays society, when, in fact, it is one of the most nonsensical idea/statement there is. How can you “feel” something that is not an emotion. I don’t wake up and say, “I feel protein today.” It’s basically the same thing.

I found this little cartoon online that I believe sums up the topic of fat as a feeling absolutely perfectly.

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So there you have it. Next time you find yourself “feeling fat,” I need you to promise me that you will remind yourself that you can’t feel fat. It’s not a state of being. 

Also, you are not fat. You are a person, a wonderful shining human being with hopes and dreams and ambitions and what is, I bet, a kick-butt personality to boot.

You are not fat, you have fat. You also have bones and organs and muscles. You are not any of those things either. 

I just need you to know that you are you and that in itself is something to cherish and be proud of. 

I hope you all have a wonderful night and I will talk to you tomorrow Good night =)

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Guess Who’s Back and Living For Grace


Hey everyone.

Workout: Insanity Plyometric Cardio Circuit.

Insanity is, and will forever be, my go-to at home workout. Never gets old and is always a great challenge.

I want to do more cardio, but I know that I probably shouldn’t (I’m still working on the whole over-exercising thing)… So I’m thinking I’ll do some strength instead. I really need to get back into the weights!

 

So, if you haven’t noticed… It’s been almost a week since my last post. Ever since my cousin passed away, I just haven’t felt up to blogging, nor has it felt right. Thinking and writing about my menial life when my family (myself included) is in grieving and when my little angel of a cousin isn’t on this earth anymore just felt wrong. But, life goes on… And blogging is therapeutic for me. I definitely needed a break from blogging/social media, but now I’m ready to get back into it! Blogging with enthusiasm still feels hard though.

I know it sounds cliche, but unfortunately, it too often takes extreme tragedy to really appreciate all that you have in life. I am so grateful for so many things… So many things that my little cousin was never able to experience due to her illness, and will never be able to experience.

I want to be grateful for the world and really start living my life. I want to do it with grace , for Grace.

She was such a special little girl. A real life angel. Her illness prevented her from ever lying, ever hating. She had no sin. She was pure. An innocent.

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I just wish that I could properly express what Grace meant, not only to my family, but to every single person that was lucky enough to have had her in their life. Her teachers, the staff that took care of her at the home she lived at, friends, other caretakers over the years… She was a shining light.

People search and wait their entire lives to see a sign of God… To see proof.

I think Grace was that proof.

Honestly, I don’t know what I believe in. I was raised Catholic and attended Catholic school my entire life… I was very strong in my faith for a majority of my life. However, in my senior year of high school, I lost that faith. I don’t know what happened. I just woke up one day and it was gone.

But Grace was a real angel. Her life meant so much… And I just hope that wherever she is right now, she is able to think and function like a healthy little girl. I hope that she can speak and run and jump and dance and enjoy all the simple things that we, as “healthy” human beings, take for granted.

Speaking of which. Last night, I experienced that true gratitude for life.

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It was just my mom and I last night, so we decided to head over to the beach to go for a nice walk.

It was beautiful.

 

 

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We also stopped by our local Fairway (my favorite supermarket of all time… sorry Trader Joe’s) to pick up some food from the hot food/grain bars to bring down to eat on the beach.

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Seaweed salad, sweet potatoes with black beans, salmon, tofu dill salad, spaghetti squash, and roasted beets.

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Carrots, couple pieces of pasta, mushroom, more tofu salad, more beets, spinach… Needless to say, I had A LOT of leftovers for today. Salad/hot food bars of any kind are pretty much my favorite. I love being able to try a little bit of everything.

After eating, we just walked and talked (a lot of the conversation being about Grace) and took in the salty air, the sounds of the ocean, and the beautiful world around us.

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I have been in  really bad place lately. I am gaining weight, I am eating out of emotion (which just makes me more emotional because I freak out… vicious cycle), my digestive issues have been getting really bad again, I have no idea how I am going to handle being away at school, and then there is Grace. Grace’s funeral brought up so many feelings that I didn’t even know that I had. I think that it brought up all the feelings about losing my dad that I have been repressing for years (I think I am still in the denial phase of morning… I remember my dad and having him, but it doesn’t feel the memories of him are my own… if that makes any sense at all) and it was a mess. The day of the funeral, I cried for over 6 hours straight with no stopping. I had a panic attack during the funeral and then spent the next 5 hours curled up in the car in hysterics while the rest of my family was together.

I am just sick and tired of not living my life to the fullest. I don’t live. I just exist. I know that I have mentioned this before, and I know that I have made a vow to truly live… But now with Grace having passed away, I feel more obligated to really try than I had prior.

I can do this.

 

 

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Thinking Out Loud 8.7.2014 – I’m All Over The Place


Hey everyone! It’s that time of the week again

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Shout out to the alway lovely host of this link up!

So let’s just get into it!

1. Workout.

I (reluctantly) hit the pool bright and early this morning to get a good swim in before showering and driving to an appointment!

350 warm up

Endurance

100 freestyle pull

100 freestyle kick

100 freestyle

x2 non-stop. No rest between sets.

Speed

4×50 IM order

2×25 freestyle

x2

400 cool down

2. It took a lot more mental pushing than usual to get myself into the pool this morning.

As I mentioned the other day in my less-than-cheerful post… I have been in a slump lately. More than a slump actually. I have dug myself into a full on trench and I can’t seem to get myself out of it.

I’m gaining weight… I have never felt this terrible about my body, and trust me, that’s saying a lot given I have never actually felt good about my appearance. I don’t want to leave the house or go out in public. My diet is repulsing me (hence the no WIAW yesterday). I have felt tired and unmotivated to workout (part of this, I’m sure, my lack of rest days… but it’s hard to give myself rest days when I feel so gross and anxious).

I just really don’t know what to do.

What I’m getting at is that it was near impossible to get myself into a swimsuit this morning… let alone walk out into the pool area in it at my gym.

But I did it, and I don’t regret it.

3. I found this magazine today and it may just be the greatest thing ever.

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It says premier issue on the cover, so I’m assuming that it’s new? Regardless, it’s an absolutely AMAZING health magazine. In fact, it’s probably the best one that I have ever picked up since it’s not gimmicky (I love you Women’s Health, but you are more about lowering calorie intake than nourishing the body and making people glow from the inside). I have only flipped through it at this point, but I can already tell that this is a magazine that I am going to be picking up every time that they come out with a new issue (I believe that it’s a seasonal magazine) and that I am going to be trying most of the recipes, juices, and smoothies in this thing! So excited!

4. I want to go to this vegan convention/festival so badly! It’s next weekend and it’s basically in my backyard. Unfortunately, chances of me going are slim to none because a.) I am broke, and b.) I am not a vegan (read more about my reasons for this here), so I would feel like the biggest hypocrite/phony on the planet.

5. I posted a new video to my Youtube yesterday!

Yes, I mentioned this yesterday… But just in care you missed it I’m posting it again =P.

6. I have been spending way too much time planning what I am going to buy grocery wise at school, what I’m going to eat, and how I am going to store/prepare my food.

I really want to be smart and healthy at school. I don’t have a meal plan, nor do I have a kitchen, so I am thinking that this will give me the push I need to start eating more raw meals. I do need to find where is the best place to buy reasonably priced produce and will need to probably prepare meals for the week in advanced and find small containers to store them in since I am sharing a fridge (I’m not sure whether or not it’s a mini fridge or not) with a roommate.

I’m also worried that my roommate is going to think I’m a freak if I start steaming veggies in the microwave and keep things like lentils in the fridge… I don’t know. That’s probably just me being ridiculous.

7. I finally got some froyo after not having it for what was probably over a month.

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Honey vanilla greek + chocolate with all the fix in’s. Boba is probably my favorite thing ever. So are rainbow sprinkles.

Good night!

Question(s):

1. Tell me something that’s on your mind!

2. Any microwavable or no-cook recipes that you love? Share them with me please!

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fitness, Uncategorized

Do it because you love it…


Yesterday, I came across what is, probably, one of the best things I have seen on the internet in a long time…

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I saw this floating around and I really found it to hold so much truth. There is so much pressure put on people from social media and just society in general to be this super fit person who eats only berries and seeds and works out for hours a day. I see so much of people who live these kinds of lifestyles being judgmental of people who don’t and honestly, it’s ridiculous. Too many times I’ve seen people post on twitter or instagram about how they are, “so grossed out” because they just saw some family eating McDonalds. Who are you to judge people by what they eat? Just because you see someone eating something one time doesn’t give you any right to judge them and make assumptions. Maybe they have little kids and it was all they could think to grab, maybe they haven’t had it in years and they want to treat themselves. There are so many possibilities. That person eating a candy bar on the train could be a marathon runner for all you know.

No one has a right to judge someone based on an assumption they make without even knowing something. Also, yes, being someone who is super into fitness and eating healthy is wonderful, but it doesn’t make you God’s gift to humanity. You need to focus on yourself. Not everyone feels the need to be a paleo crossfitter or a vegan yogi. Some people will just go to the gym to get in their 30 minutes on the elliptical. Not everyone wants to do HIIT or go run a 5 miler.

I work out because I love it. It’s part of my life and it’s what makes me who I am. For some people, working out is just a chore. Yes, it’s important to stay active, but that could be as simple as going for a daily walk. Yes, healthy eating is important but not everyone WANTS to be 100% with their diet. You could easily eat a moderately healthy diet and still be a healthy, happy human being. Not everyone wants a 6 pack and killer quads and standout triceps. Life is too short to try to please others by doing things you hate. If you hate running, DON’T DO IT. If you want to eat a slice of cake one day EAT IT. Life is so short and it’s not worth living a life that you don’t feel the need to.

Judging is judging, you may think that you’re “helping” by pushing someone to live the same lifestyle that you do. But stop, let others live their own lives, you focus on your own.

 

 

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