I’m back at school after a very hellish few days (about every bad thing that could possibly happen at the airport happened and I wound up not being able to get on my plane. Then, the next day, I had to go back to the airport again for a different flight and the plane was delayed once we were on it by 4 hours… It was a mess.)
As unhappy I am about being back here, and trust me, I am. I am back and at ti with a new attitude… or at least I am trying to have one. It’s hard, I am taking classes in a major that am no longer pursuing, and they are super hard classes too. It’s hard to stay motivated in classes that have absolutely nothing to do with my future… but I digress. I want to better myself in every way possible (heh.. this seems to be a re-occuring theme on my blog these days), and I will. I know I will.
I just need to get through the rest of this semester.
This is hard too, this idea of, “just getting though it.” This is the advice that I keep receiving from people, “Erin, you only have two more months. It will fly by.”
But I don’t want it to fly by. The idea of time, and the speed at which it seems to fly by… That has to be one of my biggest fears. It scares me. I don’t want time to be something that I wish away; I have never been one to wish it away. I have never wanted to be older, to grow up. I didn’t want to… Still don’t. Yet, I had to grow up pretty quickly due to to the happenings of life. And this is ok, but I won’t… no… can’t let go of my childhood dreams. I need to make something of myself. I need to make myself matter. To be someone that means something.
So my “plan” that I had for my life seems to have veered off in another direction. But that’s ok.
So yes, I will just try to, “get through the rest of the semester.” But at the same time, I won’t just go through the motions. I am going to read books, draw, write. I am going to focus on rediscovering myself and learning about who I am and trying to learn to accept the body that houses the person that I call myself.
And of course, a large part of this self discovery involves running.
Admittedly, I have gotten into a bit of rut lately when it comes to running and working out in general. I haven’t been loving it the way I normally do. I have been compulsive. Hours of exercise. No easy days. I have been unfair to my body and to myself.
All of us fall into ruts somethings, where we are just not feeling our workouts the way that we normally do. Not experiencing the joy that exercise normally gives. But why? Having a body that supports me running mile after mile? That is such a gift. It is something to be seen as a reward, not a punishment for the calories that I consume.
Life is beautiful. It is a gift.
Here’s to trying again to live the life that I want. And I am to fail… well… I’ll get right back at it again (total A Day to Remember reference here!)