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This Was Supposed To Be A Five Things Friday Post.


Hey everyone! Who’s stoked it’s Friday?

Workout – Insanity Plyometric Cardio Circuit.

So nice to be home for the weekend and able to do Insanity. I miss it when I’m at school! This morning’s workout was originally meant to be a run.. But I had to drive my mom to the train station and my brother to school and I wound up just not having enough time to get in the miles that I wanted to before having to get ready and leave for therapy.

This blog has officially become the most neglected thing in my life (ok, that may be a stretch). In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m not exactly a particularly interesting person, nor is my life all that exciting. I have a lot of thoughts that I would love to go on about and share with the world… But they don’t all exactly fit into a nice clean package. What I’m saying is that I am the very definition of a mess. I want to blog about health. I want to blog about eating disorder recovery. I want to blog about my life (who the heck would care about that?!). I want to blog about running. I want to blog about the environment. I want to blog about fashion. I want to blog about music. I just want to write. Basically, I am all over the place… And this results in my getting very overwhelmed (I get overwhelmed way too easily, it’s something that I am working on). Once I’m overwhelmed, I start spiraling down into an anxiety attack. After this begins, I begin to mentally tell myself off for my having no right to be overwhelmed when there are so many people (most people actually) who do so much more than me and get it all done and still have free time and social lives. This results in guilt. Which, you guessed it, results in more anxiety. And the kicker here? This all results in nothing getting done. Basically, I don’t know what I am doing with this blog. I think I put a lot of pressure on myself because I really would love for this blog to become something. It may sound pathetic, but the only type of job that I can see myself having any success in in the future is one that involves blogging or Youtube or anything of the like. Again, it sounds stupid. I know. I mean, I just sound like a spoiled little kid who doesn’t want to get a “real job” ever… Right? The thing is, just with the whole anxiety thing… Being trapped in an office all day or having a very strict schedule just seems like it would result in my having a meltdown. That all being said, hopefully if I keep working at it and meditating and going to therapy, I’ll be able to get over all of this depression and anxiety and then, who knows, maybe I will, somehow, have some actual success in something one day. I don’t really know. I just hope that it’s possible for me. I fee like such a dumb kid with a bad case of, “special snowflake,” syndrome. I know that so many people struggle with my exactly mental issues and I know that many people have it so much worse than me (I’m not saying I have a bad life by any means, just that I have a bad mental state)… And they have success in life and drive and they… They have lives. So who am I to think that I have the right to struggle? Who am I to keep screwing up? To haul myself up away from the world because it all just seems to big and scary and overwhelming? Who am I to think that I can maybe be someone one day instead of having to fall into the the routine of the endlessly getting up daily and going to work in a place that I hate so I can have money to support myself? Who am I to think that maybe I could be different? I just … I don’t know. Oh. As per usual, I sat down to write a light-hearted post about things I’ve been up to lately and instead wound up spewing out a whole bunch of nonsensical angst and musings. Welcome to Snapbacks And Racing Flats kids. But seriously… I apologize if you read my blog. Does anyone read this thing? Hellooooo? I’m currently sitting in a Starbucks with my coffee (blonde roast with soy milk is pretty delicious fyi) and am trying to somehow get my Youtube video that should already be up edited. DSCF3271

Yeah.. Um… this happened. I really wanted to do some sort of Halloween-themed video since I absolutely love Halloween but never get to celebrate it because, well, no friends. Unfortunately, I obviously have no idea why I am doing and my attempt at a Tim Burton’s The Corpse Bride themed makeup look wound up looking like… well… this.

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I also can’t even begin to explain to you what a mess I made of my dorm room while trying to maneuver all of the different face paints and things while filming.

I know that my Youtube channel isn’t exactly ground-breaking or entertaining or even quality… But I am really loving doing it. Aside from school, I feel that I don’t have menu things really driving me in life right now. Yes I have running and I want to train more and get my distance up and sign up for a half-marathon once I have the money… But other than that, I am really struggling to find a sense of purpose.

Now, I know that saying that my little Youtube channel with it’s couple of viewers gives me and my life meaning sounds pretty obscene… But, it does. My Youtube channel is an outlet for me to express myself and be creative and express myself.

It’s no secret that I struggle with self-esteem and body image and, well, human interaction. So this channel is really a way for me to challenge myself. I’m editing my video right now, and I can’t tell you how disgusted I am looking at this thing. Not only did I film this right after getting back from a run (probably not my best idea)… But I can see in in relation so some of my videos from the summer and it is so noticable in my face that I have put on weight.

Needless to say, I would rather not upload this thing.

But I’m going to. I am challenging myself to not care and to try and accept myself as I am and put myself out there. It’s terrifying… And exciting.

And now I am off to finish editing this video and go grocery shopping! Exciting times guys. Exciting times.

To end this post on a happy note, here’s a photo of an adorable puppy in a frog costume.

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Oh, you are so welcome.

I don’t know.

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The Post That Wasn’t Supposed To Be Super Deep But Wound Up Being Exactly That…


Hey everyone.

Workout – 6 miles in Central Park.

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I don’t know what it is, but my legs have been feeling super dead since school started back in August. In fact, my entire body has just been feeling exhausted. I know that I don’t get enough sleep, but I didn’t get much sleep at home… So no change there. I also am working out significantly less than I was over the summer (which I need to change)… So I don’t get why I have been feeling this way.

That being said, I am so happy to be running again after having to take almost 3 weeks off. I just wish that my body was as happy to be running as my brain is.

I also just need to state for the umpteenth time just how much I love running in Central Park. Not only is it aesthetically beautiful, but it is also just such a…. I don’t know… spiritual(?) place to me. The vibe is just amazing.

I love how busy it is. I love seeing people of all ages, genders, ethnicities, etc. out running, walking, and biking. It’s one of those unique places where you can be surrounded by activity, but still be enveloped by a feeling of absolute serenity.

I also love how it feels like a completely different world than New York City. Here you have what is one of the busiest cities in the world, yet it couldn’t feel any less like it.

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I found myself in the middle of the “woods” today during my run. I hit a dead end, and very unlike myself, I felt compelled to stop an meditate. I sat down on a rock, closed my eyes, and meditated in the style that I spoke about the other day. Yup, I did the chants and everything. I seriously felt myself leave myself if that makes any sense. I was surrounded by nature and the sounds of the birds and the wind (today was the coldest and windiest day every, I swear) blowing through the trees. I just kind of felt at complete peace with the world and with myself, and that is not a feeling that I am used to. Typically, I am just constantly consumed by my complete self loathing.

I really want to become a more spiritual person. It’s funny actually… We live in such an amazing and storage and magical world. I am grateful for the air I breathe and the sky above me and the grass and the water and for all of the places that I have been and for all of the places that I hope to someday go. That all being said, I can never get myself to just sit and meditate and really take it all in.

In my mind, I am the kind of person that wants to run around barefoot to absorb the earth’s vibrations and practices yoga, and meditates daily… But I’m not. But I want to be. Does that make any sense?

I wish I could pinpoint exactly what is holding me back. I don’t know if it’s some sort of fear or anxiety surrounding this.. Or if it is just my putting obscene amount of pressure on myself as I always do.

I, like many people suffering from eating disorders, addiction, etc., am a very extreme person. When I focus my attention on something, I feel that I need to give that one thing 110%. Anything less absolute perfection is a complete failure and failure can’t happen because then I just spiral downward into a self-inflicted cycle of despair over my, “not being good enough.” I want to be this spiritual person, but I also like makeup and clothes and don’t want to just get rid of everything and start living a life of complete minimalism. I am not in the place right now where I want to go 100% vegan (although I will say that my diet is predominantly plant based). Because of these factors, along with my not meditating every day or living and breathing yoga, I feel as though if I were to try to discover a type of spirituality… I would be a fraud.

That being said, I know that I need to, in some form, live a more spiritual life.

I grew up attending Catholic school my entire life. I was never one of the super duper into the church/involved in every type of church organization type of kids. But I did, in my own quiet way, have a deeply routed faith. And I cannot even begin to tell you how many times that faith, quite literally, saved my life.

When I was younger and having my severe suicidal thoughts, it was a fear of going to hell (I had a teacher who told me that suicides go to hell once and it stuck with me) that kept me from going through with the act. I now believe that if there is a hell, any God worth loving wouldn’t send a soul there that was hurting so deeply that they felt the need to end their lives. Still, this fear kept me from doing the unthinkable.

When I was in the hospital, having incapacitating panic attacks that had me screaming into pillows and shaking so violently that my IV would come out, it was a little rosary that my mom gave me that was the only way I could calm myself down. Each night in the hospital, I would fall asleep running those little beads through my fingers and praying.

Then one day, I woke up and my faith was gone. I kid you not, there was no event (yes my dad had died the previous year, but I never felt an anger towards God or a doubting in His existence from that) leading up to it. I just woke up this morning and poof. Nothing.

I had never felt so alone.

I don’t know what I believe in right now. I don’t really believe in anything, but I so desperately want to. Need to.

I always used to say to whoever would listen that I felt that there was nothing sadder than believing in absolutely nothing.

“I don’t care if you worship dogs as gods,” I would say. “You just need to believe in something. Because without a belief, what is there?”

And now I am one of those people that can’t believe in anything. And trust me, it’s just as sad as I believed it would be.

I have been listening to a lot of podcasts recently, and a lot of them feature very spiritual beings. Now, none of these people that are so inspiring to me are spiritual in the traditional sense. They aren’t preaching about Jesus (not that I have anything again this, because that couldn’t be further from the truth), nor are they hippy-dippy types (again, nothing wrong with that) going on about the vibes and pseudo-buddhism or any of the dogmatic stuff that everyone seems to love to claim they believe in more so because of it’s being trendy or different than their truly loving and understanding the religion or belief system.

No, these are people who have been in the depths of darkness. People who have overcome some truly heinous things and have transformed into some of the most amazing human being that walk this planet.

These are people who have found a type of spirituality that resonates with them and that they fell in love with . There are people who read and studied everything and felt compelled towards specific beliefs by powers greater than themselves. These are people that you know are spiritual beings, not because of what they tell you (in fact, most of them on the podcasts only speak about spirality for a tenth of the episode), but by the words they speak and the energy and vibrations that they emanate, even over just audio.

I feel that I need something, anything, to make me believe in something. I was to be free from these thoughts, this disease, that is keeping me from becoming the person that I want to be. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of hating myself, both physically and mentally. I am tired of feeling unfulfilled, and I am tired of feeling guilty for my feeling unfulfilled.

In one of the podcasts that I listened to earlier this week, the guest (I can’t remember who) said something along the lines of that once you have been at the point where you were truly suicidal or caught in complete and all consuming addiction, that you have already died. The time that you have when and if you get out of the darkness? It’s a gift. You were dead, but somehow you came back.. And now it is your responsibility to use that time that the universe has so generously gifted you and use it to give back to the world that you wanted to badly to leave. That is all I want.

I just want to be someone that is worth something.

This post was actually supposed to be about my trip to the Brooklyn Museum yesterday and how amazing it was.. But then, in typical Erin fashion, I started rambling about super deep and utterly uninteresting things… So, now I am just going to share with you a few pretty pictures from yesterday! Woohoo!

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Learning To Breathe


Hey everyone.

Yeah, I’m at a point where I need to stop pretending that this little piece of the internet that I’ve got here is intended to be a daily blog. I want it be a daily blog, and I believe that one day it probably will be… But at the moment, my mind is far too messy to post something of substance every day. And honestly, I’m stressed out about so much that the last thing I need is to be putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself to put up blog posts every day that no one really reads any way.

All that aside, I am actually feeling… Not positive exactly. Hopeful? Zen? I don’t know, I just feel slightly at peace with the world right now, and that is a wonderful thing. But more about that later.

Workout – I’M RUNNING AGAIN!

I tested the waters and tried to run for real for the first time in 2 weeks on Saturday and I did it and it was pain free and it was absolutely wonderful in every way shape or form, even if I had/have a really bad head cold and felt like my brain was rattling around in my head the whole time =P.

IMG_7965 IMG_7977Now, a reoccurring theme with me when it comes to coming off of injuries is that I instantly want to go out and run ALL THE MILES… But obviously, that’s not exactly the smartest way to go about getting into running and often results in me re-injuring myself.

So today I hit up the elliptical. I am so sick of the elliptical at this point it’s not even funny. That being said, I believe that tomorrow’s workout will also be an elliptical one. Oh the joy…

I also did some strength training for the first time in about five thousand years. I am the very definition of a cardio queen… I just find cardio to be about a billion and one times more enjoyable than strength training (this is why I love Insanity and other plyometric workouts so much, they combine cardio with resistance), but I really need to get back into the habit of strength training regularly. I used to be so religious about making sure to have a balance between my cardio and strength training, and I definitely felt a lot better when I was doing a little strength training regularly.

I worked my legs and flutes and I can already tell that I am going to be in pain tomorrow… But a good kind of pain!

Like I said earlier, my mind has been even more of a mess than it normally is recently… And this has resulted in my being behind on pretty much everything. I am just completely overwhelmed by life and the world and school and then I get even more upset because I know that most people do so much more than me and that I have no right to be as overwhelmed as I am.

I actually opened up my Japanese text book today to try to start on the ten pages of homework that I had to do and to study for the test I had in the subject tomorrow earlier and wound up curled up in a ball shaking and crying (like I said, I’m kind of pathetic) for a couple of hours and got nothing done. I think I have to drop the class, I can’t handle anything or focus on anything and there really is no hope in my passing that class in my current mental state… And I am so disgusted and embarrassed about this fact. I used to be a really smart person and a good student. I was an above average student my whole life, got into one of the most difficult high schools on Long Island, and wound up in the honors track (every class I took was honors) all without really trying all that hard. These days, I struggle to remember anything and everything. I retain nothing that I read or learn, and I feel like a straight up idiot. Tack that on top of feeling like I am letting down my mom by not excelling in school or at life. I mean… What do I do? I have no job because every time I get a job, I wind up having a panic attack on the job and having to quit in change. I am in no clubs because I am too scared of being around people… And now I’m dropping a class that I really can’t afford to drop? I just… I don’t know.

Oh, and there is no way that I am graduating on time. I just feel like I am nothing but a financial and emotional burned on my mom… And I hate it.

All that said, I really am so lucky to have the mother that I do. I called her today in the middle of a panic attack, meaning I was hysterical and not making much sense, and she was nothing but kind and understanding. I am so lucky and really don’t’ deserve the absolutely amazing people that I have in my life. I also cried to my friend Shannon (she’s been not he blog before!), who was my one friend and savior at my last college. She just listened and helped me think a little bit more rationally.

So what am I doing?

What I really wanted this post to be about was how at peace I am currently feeling… Or was feeling. Writing about all of that negative junk that I just did has me a little anxious again. Good job Erin =P. But really.

Something that I really want to focus on is bettering myself in any way that I can so I that I can get myself to, well, become myself. Right now I feel as though I am just trapped in this depressed shell and I can’t get out. There are so many things that I want to accomplish and that I can’t currently accomplish because I am just so stuck. It’s kind of hard to go out into the world and try to accomplish your larger-than-life dreams when you struggle to get yourself out of bed in the morning and often can’t leave your building because you are too disgusted by yourself to be seen by others. Again, I know I’m kind of ridiculous.

One small thing that I have been trying to for myself is start practicing yoga regularly. I am the kind of person that I get frustrated when I am not good at something instantly (which is ridiculous). I don’t like being considered a “beginner” in anything, I get embarrassed and frustrated… But to begin anything, you kind of need to be a beginner.

Last week, I signed up for the 15 day free trial on YogaGlo, a huge website full of hundreds of online yoga classes of all styles. Obviously, once the 15 days is up I am going to have to cancel my membership. I don’t have the money… But I thought it would be a good place to start!

Truthfully, I haven’t practiced every day like I had planned on doing… But I have practiced twice, so it’s a start.

Before sitting down to write this post, I did a 20 minute vinyasa flow for balance and followed it up with something very out of character for me.

Meditation.

Meditation is one of those things that I always know that I should do, but I can never actually get myself to do. My mind is just too busy and I get too anxious and antsy every time I try to meditate. Or I make the lame excuse that I don’t have time.

But tonight, something compelled me to give this highly praised practice another shot… And it was amazing.

The specific type of meditation that I did was called Isha Kriya, and the practice was led by Kathryn Budig. It was a simple guided practice done in a seated position. The meditation session in its entirety was 15 minutes in length and consisted of 3 different sections.

The first part was breathing and mantras. You inhaled and said, “I am not my body,” and exhaled saying, “I am not even my mind.” This portion lasted about 7 minutes.

Next was 7 receptions of breathing in and exhaling as a sound. I don’t know the technical term for this portion, but the point of the sound was that it caused vibrations in your solar pled.

The final part of the meditation was the par that I thought would be the worst for me. In fact. going into the practice, I didn’t even think that I would be able to finish it. This portion of the meditation was just simple silent meditation. Normally, this is when my mind floods with thoughts, and they are more often than not negative ones. However, crazily enough, this didn’t happen this time. I was somehow able to keep my mind almost completely devoid of any real thoughts… And it was amazing.

Once the session was over, I just kind of sat there in a trance for a little while. I just felt calm and at peace and… Hopeful. I want to get my creativity back. I want to start doing more of the things that I love. And I want to do them because I want to do them instead of doing them because I feel as though I will be a failure if I don’t do them.

I’m thinking that tomorrow I’m going to explore this amazing city a little bit and take some photos. Growing up, I was always super into photography, but now I rarely do it.

I also want to make time to sit and work on my book. I have been trying to write this thing for years now, but it’s only about 15 pages at this point. I love writing. I really do… I don’t get why I so often forget that.

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Oh, and the new Fall edition of the Tone It Up Nutrition Plan was released today, so that’s pretty darn rad.

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Good night all!<3

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A New Beginning


Hey!

WorkoutInsanity Cardio Power and Resistance. My arms will indeed be feeling it tomorrow.

At this point, I am just blogging from my phone because my computer is about so slow that I might as well be using dial-up for internet.

Also, I know that I have been super inconsistent with blogging lately, and it’s really bothering me. Thing is, amidst losing Grace, getting ready to to leave for school, and personal issues that I have been dealing with, this blog has kind of taken a back seat. However, I believe that as of today, that will change. I think things may finally be starting to calm down. Here’s hoping.

Anyways…

So, today was the day.

Move in day at my new college.

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Hi Times Square. I love you.

This morning, I was forced to finally accept the reality that is going away to college (when I am dreading something, I have this bad habit of convincing myself that it’s not really happening). It’s not school itself that I was dreading, it was (and is) the unknown. It is not having complete control over my surroundings or my situation.

I know that in saying this, I probably come off as the biggest brat on the planet, but not having control over roommate situations (when she will be in the room, how loud she will be, how many people she will have in the room, what time she will intend to stay up until), sharing the building with people who blast music at all hours of the day (I don’t know if this will be a reality at this school yet, but it definitely was an issue at my old school), and having to deviate from my normal routines (both food, exercise, and just general living) absolutely freaks me out. Seriously, just writing it out is making my heart race.

The problem is also that I really don’t mind living with other people. I’m not complaining about having to share a small room with someone. I’m just freaking out because I don’t have control over my environment, and that is a major anxiety trigger for me.

Also, it definitely doesn’t help that I have no ability whatsoever to assert myself. I would much prefer the people I am surrounded by, or living with, to be happy and to get there way than to argue someone and make them not like me. Again, this is something that I need to work on.

Ok, so now to digress from that little tangent I went off on… This morning, my mom and I packed up the car and drove into the city to go see where I will be living for the next year.

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It was also my mom’s first time driving in Manhattan (we always just take the train into the cities and then either take subways or walk to our destination), so everyone give you a round of applause for conquering such a feat as New York City driving.

Upon arriving at the building that I guess I will be calling home for a while, it was an absolute madhouse. It took my about 20 minutes just to figure out how to get myself all checked in and to get my room key made (worst. id photo. ever.). Then it was another long weight to get my hands on a bin for us to use to get my stuff up the the room.

But somehow, we eventually made it.

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I’m planning on decorating and making my space cute and individualized. Last year, I really never “moved into” my dorm. It was used simply as a place to study, store things, and change my clothes. I barely even slept in my room because my roommates would harass me if I tried to. This year, I really want to focus on making the most out of this little space and filling it with things that will fill me with happy thoughts and good vibes. Basically, I’m just going to hang up a ton of fairy lights and concert posters.

 

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There’s a massive window in the room. You have no clue how happy this makes me.

 

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My roommate actually never showed up, so I have no idea what is going to happen.

Furthermore, my classes don’t actually start until Thursday (though I do have housing orientation in my building on Monday). Then, I only have one class on Thursday, no class on Friday, and off next Monday due to Labor Day. After much thinking, I decided to spend a bulk of this week at home, and will most likely spend next weekend at home as well. The main reason that I wasn’t completely certain if I should spend another week at home was because I didn’t want my roommate to think that I was weird for not staying in the room this week.

Well, it looks like I don’t even have a roommate yet, and I think that it will alleviate some anxiety if I make the transition over to living in my dorm as opposed to here at home as slow and painless as possible. I don’t know, maybe it sounds immature… But I just feel like I’m in a very fragile state right now. I need to take care of myself instead of constantly worrying if other people will think that I am weird.

I also think that a lot of my anxiety over school is due to how incredibly awful and traumatic my experience last year was. I’m not sure if I have ever mentioned this on the blog.. But last year was a really rough one for me. Apart from struggling immensely with both my mental and physical health, my roommates made sure to make my life a living hell. They would spread lies about me, talk about me and make fun of me when they knew I could hear them, come into the room late at night screaming and shaking my bed to wake me up, and many other things. I am just so scared that something like that is going to happen again.

But really, I just need to take a step back and remind myself how lucky I am to be able to be going to school and studying something I love in the city that I love more than anything. I have always dreamed of living in New York City for a period of time, and I am actually going to be able to live that dream this year. I need to make the best of the situation at hand, whether it wind up being awful or amazing. I need to do this to prove to myself that I am not a failure.

I need this to be my year. And I hope that it will be.

 

Question(s):

Anyone who has been or is currently in college – Did you have a roommate? Any horror stories? Any great stories? What was your favorite college memory! Tell me! I want to know!

What songs have you been listening to lately?

I currently have Sanctuary by Utada stuck in my head, and I am certainly not complaining. Quality song right there.

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thinking out loud, Uncategorized

Thinking Out Loud 8.21.2014


Hey!

Wow, I’m actually posting something… And it’s on a Thursday, so you know what that means!

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Shout out, as always, to this link up’s lovely host.

1. Workout – 5 miles easy.

I have both a chest and head cold, so it goes without saying that this run was pretty meh. I had originally planned on going to the gym for some speed work before therapy, but I spent so much time talking myself out of it that I wound up too pressed for time… So a run it was! I almost stopped after 3 miles, but I didn’t have the time to walk the 2 miles home (I was running an out and back route)… So there’s that!

I normally do two a day workouts, but I was feeling so crummy all day that I wound up not doing anything but lying around and doing school things for a bulk of the day. I have to say, I am feeling extremely guilty and lazy and gross. Like I have mentioned a million times lately, I am gaining weight. Unfortunately, since I am very inclined to fall into unhealthy exercise and food habits, I have been feeling more and more pressure to workout as much as physically possible. This has resulted in my feeling lethargic, sick, and weak. I actually think that overtraining, in addition to stress, not sleeping, and grieving largely contributed to how sick I currently am.

2. New video went up on my Youtube channel yesterday!

Just me sharing a couple of things that I picked up from the thrift shop (I’m gonna pop some tags…) the other day. I know, so exciting right? Haul videos are actually one of my biggest internet guilty pleasures. I don’t know what it is, but I just love watching them… Even if they do just make me think about all of the things that I can’t afford.

*dramatic sigh*

3. I did a thing.

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Yes, it is actually green. Yes, it is actually that neon (no editing or enhancing). Yes, I may regret it kinda-sorta a lot. I didn’t think I dyed as much of it as I did… So now I have neon green hair. Not exactly the best way to avoid attention when you go out in public.

3. I am supposed to move into my dorm on Saturday. I am dreading it more than anything to the point that I am in complete denial of my actually having to go.

I don’t know if it is due to how traumatic my experience at my last university was, or if it just my severe anxiety over change… But I just really don’t feel like I can handle this. I am dreading it so much, but I should be excited.

Everyone I am friends with on Facebook is posting about how unbelievably excited they are to be going back to their colleges to their dorms and their lives and their friends. So why am I not? Am I really that much of a failure that I can’t even handle school?

I truly don’t know what to do. I am at a point where I don’t even know if college is right for me. Thing is, I can’t afford not to go.

Yes, I could live at home and take classes at my local community college. That would be comfortable. That would be safe. But there is no room for growth there. Yes, I would have significantly less anxiety over school if I were to go the community college route. But I would never get out of this rut that I am in. I would get up, go to class, come home, and repeat. Every. Single. Day.

I wouldn’t have anything driving me to branch out and meet people (not that I am really feeling up to doing that yet), or to get involved. I wouldn’t have anything pushing me to start living. I would continue to just exist. I would continue to waste this blessed life that I was given.

I don’t know. I really don’t know what to do. I am excited for my classes. I am excited to be in the city everyday. I am not excited to live away from home. I am not excited to not have access to everything that I am used to and accustomed to. I have a set routine that I live my life by, and I get panicky just thinking about not being able to stick to my standard routine. Throw in the fear that I am going to have a roommate that judges me or thinks I’m weird or crazy or one that bullies me like I did last year into the mix and you have the recipe for a full-on breakdown.

I’m just really not ready for this. But I have no other option. I really hope that I can get my head on straight soon, because right now I feel like nothing but a failure, not only to my family, but also to myself.

Wow, this just got real depressing real fast. I’m sorry guys, I’m just at a rough point in my life I guess and this blog, while I really want it to be a positive place, is my one and only outlet. Like, you guys reading are the only people that I really have to talk to. So, if you do read this blog or watch my Youtube videos, I just hope that you know how unbelievably grateful I am to you.

I hope you all have a wonderful night and I will talk to you tomorrow. Got to get back on that being-consistant-with-my-blogging grind!

Oh, and I just want to leave you with this quote that I found.

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=)

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Uncategorized

A Couple of Reasons To Smile


Workout:

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Tried a new type of interval training from Women’s Health called the B.I.T.E method. You can read about it here. I’m not 100% sure how I feel about it yet. I set 6mph as my start point (which can I just say is SO FLIPPING HARD on incline 8) and added .1 to all of the increases to make it a little bit more challenging. I’m going to need to do it a couple more times and adjust it accordingly before I decide how I feel about this type of training. Always fun to try something new though!

Hey guys!

So it’s been a couple of days since my last post. For the most part, I took a little break from social media in it’s entirety. Didn’t post. Didn’t read blogs.

I did put a picture on instagram though…

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I really wish that I could give you some deep and meaningful reason for my (short) hiatus from the world. I wish I could say that I was “taking time to embrace the world around my by cutting ties with the electronic devices that have taken so much from our society and blah blah blah…”

But I can’t.

If I’m completely honest, I have just been spiraling downward lately and it got to a point where I just shut down completely.

I really am trying to keep this blog a positive place, I swear. But at the same time, I can’t be fake… Even if it’s through a computer. I can’t write about my day with enthusiasm while I am actually falling apart.

So I just didn’t post anything.

Again, I don’t want to post too many negative things on here, so in a nutshell, I had severe panic attacks two days in a row, one of them being in the movie theatre with my best friend and the other one being at work.

Yup. At work.

I actually started shaking and crying and my coworker sent me to the restroom to try to calm down and I couldn’t and she was so unbelievably sweet and kind to me and went to talk to my manager who pulled me aside and, after speaking with me and being far kinder to me than I deserved, sent me home.

And that was that, my last day working that job… And I feel pathetic. Why can’t I handle something as simple as a part time job?

Woah. Ok. Those thoughts aren’t for this place.

Anyway, I left work and contemplated just driving home. Instead, I decided to take the initiative and try to do something positive for my mind and body instead of laying on the floor at home feeling sorry for myself (unfortunately, it is my first instinct to do this when things get bad). So I got myself a coffee with all the fix-ins and drove myself to the beach to take a therapeutic walk along the boardwalk while the sun set.

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I know this probably seems ridiculous, but I am actually proud of myself for going on this walk. For whatever reason, while a majority of me wants to get better and live a happy and normal life, there is a small part of my brain that is holding onto my mental illnesses with all that it has.

And this part of my brain is strong.

I am so resistant to anything that can possibly help me get better. Even when we are doing our work in therapy I can feel my brain screaming, “No! I don’t want this!”

And how is that productive?

So what I’m saying is, just the fact that I took the initiative to drive to the beach, a place that has always brought me great joy, and go for a walk instead of driving home where it’s “safe” is a big step for me.

We live in a really amazing world, and I hate that so many of us don’t realize it or can’t realize it. There is so much happening, whether it be mental illness, business, or just plain disinterest, that is keeping us from truly living the lives that we should be living.

I want to travel. I want to see the world. You know that feeling where you look up at the sky and it’s so beautiful that it almost feels like you are seeing it for the first time?

I want to experience that more.

I want to be happy.I want everyone on this planet to be happy.

That being said, I just wanted to share with you a couple of things to smile about today.

1. Trying new treats!

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Ok, maybe this pertains only to me… But I went grocery shopping and found some new goodies to try. This makes me a lot happier than it probably should.

2. This article on instagram and what pictures make it look like is happening vs. what’s really going on.

You’ll laugh. I promise.

3. Munchkin kittens.

Their little legs… I can’t.

4. Not a cat person? I got you.

5. Don’t like animals? Here’s some cute breakfast foods with faces.

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Still not smiling?

Go outside, take a deep breath of fresh air, and remember how lucky you are to be here on this earth. It sounds corny, but it’s true, and it’s something that we as humans too often forget.

 

 

Thank you for reading. Hopefully I’ll be back in the swing of things tomorrow. I have orientation for college in the morning. Oh gosh.

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Friday Favorites

Friday Favorites 8.1.2014 – July Favorites.


Hey guys! Happy Friday!

And also… Happy August!

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I seriously can’t believe that it’s August already… Or that I start school this month! I am so not even remotely close to mentally, emotionally, or physically prepared for this!

So let’s talk about some of the things that I have loved this week!

Favorite Meal:

I don’t know if this is cheating or not… But tonight’s meal was pretty much the greatest thing ever….

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Okay… So it’s definitely wasn’t the most photogenic meal in the word. But for what it lacked in aesthetics it made up for in deliciousness!

My brother has been away this week, so my mom and I decided to have a girl’s night and order takeout from a local Japanese restaurant! I opted for the spicy king crab salad (seaweed salad, cucumber, panko, crab, and a spicy mango dressing) and hot and sour soup. My mom got a salmon dish that I stole some of the veggies from (there were A LOT of them) and we shared a shumai appetizer.

So delicious and fresh. I will definitely be ordering this again soon! Or perhaps even trying to replicate it at home? 😉

Favorite Sip:

I have been absolutely obsessed with Pukka brand tea lately!

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I’d be lying if I said that the cute packaging wasn’t what originally caught my attention. Pretty boxes aside, I absolutely love the thought and time that must go into creating these teas. The herbs used are all blended together with intention to serve a certain purpose, whether it be to calm and soothe or to energize and balance.

Plus, not only are they great for you… They taste great too! I have a whole bunch of stomach issues, so I am always trying to force myself to drink mint tea. I have to say that this stuff is the only peppermint tea that I have tried that I actually enjoy!

Favorite Workout:

Same as last week… Nothing really compares to a long run in the Hamptons.

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I mean… The 7 miles just flew by.

Links I Loved:

1. I’m sure most of you have seen this already… But this girl is the biggest inspiration! Kacy is just 5 feet tall and 100 pounds and she completely destroyed this course on America Ninja Warrior. A course that, may I add, is not designed for women of her size. There is NOTHING that a woman can’t do that a man can!

2. This is  a super old post… But this article regarding eating disorders, their sources, and what is needed for recovery is one of the best I have ever written. And let me tell you,  I have read a lot of articles in my time.

3. Um… I kind of sort of want lemon poppy seed everything after this post. Some baking will definitely be happening soon.

 

Oh! And if you want to know more things that I have been loving lately, you can check out my July Favorites video from my Youtube channel ;)! (Would it really be a Friday Favorites post without some shameless self promotion?)

I hope you all have a wonderful night and weekend!

Question(s):

You know the drill. Tell me something you have been loving this week!

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