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This Was Supposed To Be A Five Things Friday Post.


Hey everyone! Who’s stoked it’s Friday?

Workout – Insanity Plyometric Cardio Circuit.

So nice to be home for the weekend and able to do Insanity. I miss it when I’m at school! This morning’s workout was originally meant to be a run.. But I had to drive my mom to the train station and my brother to school and I wound up just not having enough time to get in the miles that I wanted to before having to get ready and leave for therapy.

This blog has officially become the most neglected thing in my life (ok, that may be a stretch). In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m not exactly a particularly interesting person, nor is my life all that exciting. I have a lot of thoughts that I would love to go on about and share with the world… But they don’t all exactly fit into a nice clean package. What I’m saying is that I am the very definition of a mess. I want to blog about health. I want to blog about eating disorder recovery. I want to blog about my life (who the heck would care about that?!). I want to blog about running. I want to blog about the environment. I want to blog about fashion. I want to blog about music. I just want to write. Basically, I am all over the place… And this results in my getting very overwhelmed (I get overwhelmed way too easily, it’s something that I am working on). Once I’m overwhelmed, I start spiraling down into an anxiety attack. After this begins, I begin to mentally tell myself off for my having no right to be overwhelmed when there are so many people (most people actually) who do so much more than me and get it all done and still have free time and social lives. This results in guilt. Which, you guessed it, results in more anxiety. And the kicker here? This all results in nothing getting done. Basically, I don’t know what I am doing with this blog. I think I put a lot of pressure on myself because I really would love for this blog to become something. It may sound pathetic, but the only type of job that I can see myself having any success in in the future is one that involves blogging or Youtube or anything of the like. Again, it sounds stupid. I know. I mean, I just sound like a spoiled little kid who doesn’t want to get a “real job” ever… Right? The thing is, just with the whole anxiety thing… Being trapped in an office all day or having a very strict schedule just seems like it would result in my having a meltdown. That all being said, hopefully if I keep working at it and meditating and going to therapy, I’ll be able to get over all of this depression and anxiety and then, who knows, maybe I will, somehow, have some actual success in something one day. I don’t really know. I just hope that it’s possible for me. I fee like such a dumb kid with a bad case of, “special snowflake,” syndrome. I know that so many people struggle with my exactly mental issues and I know that many people have it so much worse than me (I’m not saying I have a bad life by any means, just that I have a bad mental state)… And they have success in life and drive and they… They have lives. So who am I to think that I have the right to struggle? Who am I to keep screwing up? To haul myself up away from the world because it all just seems to big and scary and overwhelming? Who am I to think that I can maybe be someone one day instead of having to fall into the the routine of the endlessly getting up daily and going to work in a place that I hate so I can have money to support myself? Who am I to think that maybe I could be different? I just … I don’t know. Oh. As per usual, I sat down to write a light-hearted post about things I’ve been up to lately and instead wound up spewing out a whole bunch of nonsensical angst and musings. Welcome to Snapbacks And Racing Flats kids. But seriously… I apologize if you read my blog. Does anyone read this thing? Hellooooo? I’m currently sitting in a Starbucks with my coffee (blonde roast with soy milk is pretty delicious fyi) and am trying to somehow get my Youtube video that should already be up edited. DSCF3271

Yeah.. Um… this happened. I really wanted to do some sort of Halloween-themed video since I absolutely love Halloween but never get to celebrate it because, well, no friends. Unfortunately, I obviously have no idea why I am doing and my attempt at a Tim Burton’s The Corpse Bride themed makeup look wound up looking like… well… this.

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I also can’t even begin to explain to you what a mess I made of my dorm room while trying to maneuver all of the different face paints and things while filming.

I know that my Youtube channel isn’t exactly ground-breaking or entertaining or even quality… But I am really loving doing it. Aside from school, I feel that I don’t have menu things really driving me in life right now. Yes I have running and I want to train more and get my distance up and sign up for a half-marathon once I have the money… But other than that, I am really struggling to find a sense of purpose.

Now, I know that saying that my little Youtube channel with it’s couple of viewers gives me and my life meaning sounds pretty obscene… But, it does. My Youtube channel is an outlet for me to express myself and be creative and express myself.

It’s no secret that I struggle with self-esteem and body image and, well, human interaction. So this channel is really a way for me to challenge myself. I’m editing my video right now, and I can’t tell you how disgusted I am looking at this thing. Not only did I film this right after getting back from a run (probably not my best idea)… But I can see in in relation so some of my videos from the summer and it is so noticable in my face that I have put on weight.

Needless to say, I would rather not upload this thing.

But I’m going to. I am challenging myself to not care and to try and accept myself as I am and put myself out there. It’s terrifying… And exciting.

And now I am off to finish editing this video and go grocery shopping! Exciting times guys. Exciting times.

To end this post on a happy note, here’s a photo of an adorable puppy in a frog costume.

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Oh, you are so welcome.

I don’t know.

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Learning To Breathe


Hey everyone.

Yeah, I’m at a point where I need to stop pretending that this little piece of the internet that I’ve got here is intended to be a daily blog. I want it be a daily blog, and I believe that one day it probably will be… But at the moment, my mind is far too messy to post something of substance every day. And honestly, I’m stressed out about so much that the last thing I need is to be putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself to put up blog posts every day that no one really reads any way.

All that aside, I am actually feeling… Not positive exactly. Hopeful? Zen? I don’t know, I just feel slightly at peace with the world right now, and that is a wonderful thing. But more about that later.

Workout – I’M RUNNING AGAIN!

I tested the waters and tried to run for real for the first time in 2 weeks on Saturday and I did it and it was pain free and it was absolutely wonderful in every way shape or form, even if I had/have a really bad head cold and felt like my brain was rattling around in my head the whole time =P.

IMG_7965 IMG_7977Now, a reoccurring theme with me when it comes to coming off of injuries is that I instantly want to go out and run ALL THE MILES… But obviously, that’s not exactly the smartest way to go about getting into running and often results in me re-injuring myself.

So today I hit up the elliptical. I am so sick of the elliptical at this point it’s not even funny. That being said, I believe that tomorrow’s workout will also be an elliptical one. Oh the joy…

I also did some strength training for the first time in about five thousand years. I am the very definition of a cardio queen… I just find cardio to be about a billion and one times more enjoyable than strength training (this is why I love Insanity and other plyometric workouts so much, they combine cardio with resistance), but I really need to get back into the habit of strength training regularly. I used to be so religious about making sure to have a balance between my cardio and strength training, and I definitely felt a lot better when I was doing a little strength training regularly.

I worked my legs and flutes and I can already tell that I am going to be in pain tomorrow… But a good kind of pain!

Like I said earlier, my mind has been even more of a mess than it normally is recently… And this has resulted in my being behind on pretty much everything. I am just completely overwhelmed by life and the world and school and then I get even more upset because I know that most people do so much more than me and that I have no right to be as overwhelmed as I am.

I actually opened up my Japanese text book today to try to start on the ten pages of homework that I had to do and to study for the test I had in the subject tomorrow earlier and wound up curled up in a ball shaking and crying (like I said, I’m kind of pathetic) for a couple of hours and got nothing done. I think I have to drop the class, I can’t handle anything or focus on anything and there really is no hope in my passing that class in my current mental state… And I am so disgusted and embarrassed about this fact. I used to be a really smart person and a good student. I was an above average student my whole life, got into one of the most difficult high schools on Long Island, and wound up in the honors track (every class I took was honors) all without really trying all that hard. These days, I struggle to remember anything and everything. I retain nothing that I read or learn, and I feel like a straight up idiot. Tack that on top of feeling like I am letting down my mom by not excelling in school or at life. I mean… What do I do? I have no job because every time I get a job, I wind up having a panic attack on the job and having to quit in change. I am in no clubs because I am too scared of being around people… And now I’m dropping a class that I really can’t afford to drop? I just… I don’t know.

Oh, and there is no way that I am graduating on time. I just feel like I am nothing but a financial and emotional burned on my mom… And I hate it.

All that said, I really am so lucky to have the mother that I do. I called her today in the middle of a panic attack, meaning I was hysterical and not making much sense, and she was nothing but kind and understanding. I am so lucky and really don’t’ deserve the absolutely amazing people that I have in my life. I also cried to my friend Shannon (she’s been not he blog before!), who was my one friend and savior at my last college. She just listened and helped me think a little bit more rationally.

So what am I doing?

What I really wanted this post to be about was how at peace I am currently feeling… Or was feeling. Writing about all of that negative junk that I just did has me a little anxious again. Good job Erin =P. But really.

Something that I really want to focus on is bettering myself in any way that I can so I that I can get myself to, well, become myself. Right now I feel as though I am just trapped in this depressed shell and I can’t get out. There are so many things that I want to accomplish and that I can’t currently accomplish because I am just so stuck. It’s kind of hard to go out into the world and try to accomplish your larger-than-life dreams when you struggle to get yourself out of bed in the morning and often can’t leave your building because you are too disgusted by yourself to be seen by others. Again, I know I’m kind of ridiculous.

One small thing that I have been trying to for myself is start practicing yoga regularly. I am the kind of person that I get frustrated when I am not good at something instantly (which is ridiculous). I don’t like being considered a “beginner” in anything, I get embarrassed and frustrated… But to begin anything, you kind of need to be a beginner.

Last week, I signed up for the 15 day free trial on YogaGlo, a huge website full of hundreds of online yoga classes of all styles. Obviously, once the 15 days is up I am going to have to cancel my membership. I don’t have the money… But I thought it would be a good place to start!

Truthfully, I haven’t practiced every day like I had planned on doing… But I have practiced twice, so it’s a start.

Before sitting down to write this post, I did a 20 minute vinyasa flow for balance and followed it up with something very out of character for me.

Meditation.

Meditation is one of those things that I always know that I should do, but I can never actually get myself to do. My mind is just too busy and I get too anxious and antsy every time I try to meditate. Or I make the lame excuse that I don’t have time.

But tonight, something compelled me to give this highly praised practice another shot… And it was amazing.

The specific type of meditation that I did was called Isha Kriya, and the practice was led by Kathryn Budig. It was a simple guided practice done in a seated position. The meditation session in its entirety was 15 minutes in length and consisted of 3 different sections.

The first part was breathing and mantras. You inhaled and said, “I am not my body,” and exhaled saying, “I am not even my mind.” This portion lasted about 7 minutes.

Next was 7 receptions of breathing in and exhaling as a sound. I don’t know the technical term for this portion, but the point of the sound was that it caused vibrations in your solar pled.

The final part of the meditation was the par that I thought would be the worst for me. In fact. going into the practice, I didn’t even think that I would be able to finish it. This portion of the meditation was just simple silent meditation. Normally, this is when my mind floods with thoughts, and they are more often than not negative ones. However, crazily enough, this didn’t happen this time. I was somehow able to keep my mind almost completely devoid of any real thoughts… And it was amazing.

Once the session was over, I just kind of sat there in a trance for a little while. I just felt calm and at peace and… Hopeful. I want to get my creativity back. I want to start doing more of the things that I love. And I want to do them because I want to do them instead of doing them because I feel as though I will be a failure if I don’t do them.

I’m thinking that tomorrow I’m going to explore this amazing city a little bit and take some photos. Growing up, I was always super into photography, but now I rarely do it.

I also want to make time to sit and work on my book. I have been trying to write this thing for years now, but it’s only about 15 pages at this point. I love writing. I really do… I don’t get why I so often forget that.

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Oh, and the new Fall edition of the Tone It Up Nutrition Plan was released today, so that’s pretty darn rad.

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Good night all!<3

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Thinking Out Loud 10.9.2014 – Getting Deep Up In Here


Hey guys.

It’s, “Erin rambles on about the jumbled mess that are her thoughts,” day… Or, to put it in a better way, “Thinking Out Loud Thursday.”

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Thanks Amanda for creating this link-up and actually giving me the mental strength to sit and type a post (wow, that was melodramatic).

Workout – 45 minutes of intervals on the elliptical.

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1. Yup. As I briefly mentioned in my Monday post…. I’m still/yet again injured. I has been almost 2 weeks since my last “run” (ok, actually I ran 4 miles on Saturday because I thought I was healed, but I was wrong and am paying for it.

I strained a muscle in my lateral leg. The pain is most severe in my outer ankle area (hurts to the touch), but it pulls from my arch all the way up through my gluteal area. Not fun.

I just feel as though I am always injured, and yes, I am aware that I am to blame for this in a number of ways… But this just could not have come at a worse time.

Over the course of the last month or so, I have just been spiraling further and further down the rabbit hole of depression and self loathing. I am having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, I don’t feel up to talking to anyone (even if it is just over text messages), I don’t have the mental stamina to complete my school work. Basically, I just feel like curling up in a ball and turning the world around me off. The universe feels too big and loud and terrifying and I don’t feel strong enough to be a part of it.

During the course of this spiraling into a deep sea of depression, there was one single thing that filled me with hope and joy and a sense of meaning… Can you guess what it was?

If you said running, than you are correct.

In fact, the day that I discovered I was injured, I had a therapy appointment before I went to the doctor for my leg. We had an amazing session and we spoke about how bad I have been doing and how running has been my saving grace. She told me how important it is that I keep running, as it is the one thing that gets me out of bed in the morning and that makes taking on the world, while still almost impossible, somewhat bearable.

Of course, right after that appointment I was told that I couldn’t run again for a while.

I completely lost it.

Yup, embarrassing myself, as I frequently do, I started crying in the middle of the medical office. The worst part of not being able to control your emotions is knowing that your reaction to the given situation is inappropriate in respect to the situation. I just feel like a toddler throwing a fit over not getting a toy that they want or something. As a result, I wind up crying even harder because of how pathetic I feel. It is a vicious cycle.

On top of being in a black hole of depression already, not being able to run is a double whammy when it comes to worsening my already less-than-ideal mental state.

On one hand, running is my saving grace. It is my love. It is what I feel passionate about. It is the one thing that makes me feel like maybe I’m worth something. It makes me grateful to be alive in this wonderful, beautiful, and magical world of ours. it makes me thankful to be alive and to have a body, regardless of the size of it, that can carry me for miles and miles.

On the other hand, it is no secret that a lot of my issues stem from a deep loathing of myself, and, more specifically, my body. I was already freaking out over the fact that I feel as though I eat way too much and that I am gaining weight and getting bigger by what feels like the day. Now, I am unable to run or do intensive exercise. All I can do is the elliptical or the bike… Not exactly the top of the list calorie burning machines. I already wanted to get this extra weight off (which is almost impossible for me since I destroyed my metabolism with my eating issues…I really need to get back on track with working on that), but now it feels more impossible than ever. I feel and look puffy and larger. I don’t want to leave the room because I don’t want people to see me. I was already struggling with getting to class, now if feels almost impossible. In fact, I skipped out on two classes this week because I just physically could not get myself out the door. I just crumble… It’s bad.

I think the worst part is knowing on a logical level that a lot of it must be in my head. You don’t swell up 20 pounds over night, but to me it appears as though I do. I have trouble differentiating what is real and what is just a false projection from my disordered mind. It’s like there is this constant war going on inside my mind and I can’t make it stop.

It is exhausting… And quite honestly, I don’t know what to do about it.

Another piece of all of this is that I feel like every time I take one step in the right direction recovery wise, I wind up taking about 10 steps back. At the end of the summer, I was seeing progress, I really was. To others (mainly my mom), I know that it seemed as though therapy was doing nothing and I was in just as bad of a place as I had been for years… But I wasn’t. The thing with recovery is that it is a painfully slow process. Any change, infinitesimal as it may seem, is crucial and important. The recovering person notices them, but everyone around that person sees absolutely nothing.

I explained it, both to my mom and to my therapist, like this – For years now, I have hated my body. I obsess about what I look like, what people are seeing and thinking of my size, and how food is the enemy 100% of the time. At the end of the summer, these thoughts consumed my mind about 98.5% of the time. This 1.5% change of mentality may seem laughable in size… But to me is was huge. 

And now I’m back at 100% of the time for these bad thoughts… And I hate it.

I also feel like I am wasting my mom’s money on therapy and I am wasting my therapist’s time. I feel selfish for even going… I am just at a stand still.

2. SOMETHING MORE POSITIVE!!!!

There is actually one thing that fills me with as much joy as running does.

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(from my Instagram)

It sounds stupid, but if I could be absolutely anything in the world, I would be a musician. Now, I’m not talking like a Taylor-Swift-status-billionaire-superstar status musician… I would just want to be in a band with a moderate fan base that I could love. Music is the most powerful form of expression in my opinion. I have wanted to be a lot of different things career-wise in my lifetime, and none of the career paths that I have aspired to really had anything in common. The only common factor among my passions in life is this overwhelming need to make people feel something. I think this is why writing has always been a reoccurring theme in my goals in life. When you read a good book, watch a powerful movie, or listen to beautiful music, it elicits some sort of emotion within in you. Words have the power to be your best friend, your biggest motivator. Words can make you feel less alone… And that is what I love so much about music.

I listen to music by bands who weave words with melody in ways that make my heart cry out. I listen to music that can bring a real smile to my face whilst also brining me to tears… And listening to live music? There is nothing better.

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Jeremy McKinnon of A Day To Remember absolutely killing it. 

It sounds like a cliche from a bad teenage movie… But music really has saved my life in more ways than one. I have been listening to my favorite band, Silverstein, since 7th grade. 7th grade also happened to be the time where my depression really manifested into something truly nasty. I have continued listening to that band through the years. I know that every time I am having a really hard time, their music has been there for me, and it will continue to be there for me as long as I have hearing.

There is also something truly beautiful, at least to me, about being surrounded by hundreds of people who all have the same deep connection to a certain song or band that you do. We are all pressed together like sardines in a can, we are jumping, we are struggling to keep up with keeping the crowd surfers from falling to the floor. My hair is being pulled and I am being absolutely demolished by the people around me (don’t even ask how many bruises I have on my body right now)… And for some reason, being accidentally punched and kicked, being knocked over while trying to hold up a dude about twice the size of me, and being drenched in sweat that isn’t even my own… It’s beautiful.

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So in conclusion, I have been doing really really awful lately… But I had one really great day on Saturday, so I am choosing to focus on that instead.

This too shall pass.

…Right?

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Thinking Out Loud 8.21.2014


Hey!

Wow, I’m actually posting something… And it’s on a Thursday, so you know what that means!

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Shout out, as always, to this link up’s lovely host.

1. Workout – 5 miles easy.

I have both a chest and head cold, so it goes without saying that this run was pretty meh. I had originally planned on going to the gym for some speed work before therapy, but I spent so much time talking myself out of it that I wound up too pressed for time… So a run it was! I almost stopped after 3 miles, but I didn’t have the time to walk the 2 miles home (I was running an out and back route)… So there’s that!

I normally do two a day workouts, but I was feeling so crummy all day that I wound up not doing anything but lying around and doing school things for a bulk of the day. I have to say, I am feeling extremely guilty and lazy and gross. Like I have mentioned a million times lately, I am gaining weight. Unfortunately, since I am very inclined to fall into unhealthy exercise and food habits, I have been feeling more and more pressure to workout as much as physically possible. This has resulted in my feeling lethargic, sick, and weak. I actually think that overtraining, in addition to stress, not sleeping, and grieving largely contributed to how sick I currently am.

2. New video went up on my Youtube channel yesterday!

Just me sharing a couple of things that I picked up from the thrift shop (I’m gonna pop some tags…) the other day. I know, so exciting right? Haul videos are actually one of my biggest internet guilty pleasures. I don’t know what it is, but I just love watching them… Even if they do just make me think about all of the things that I can’t afford.

*dramatic sigh*

3. I did a thing.

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Yes, it is actually green. Yes, it is actually that neon (no editing or enhancing). Yes, I may regret it kinda-sorta a lot. I didn’t think I dyed as much of it as I did… So now I have neon green hair. Not exactly the best way to avoid attention when you go out in public.

3. I am supposed to move into my dorm on Saturday. I am dreading it more than anything to the point that I am in complete denial of my actually having to go.

I don’t know if it is due to how traumatic my experience at my last university was, or if it just my severe anxiety over change… But I just really don’t feel like I can handle this. I am dreading it so much, but I should be excited.

Everyone I am friends with on Facebook is posting about how unbelievably excited they are to be going back to their colleges to their dorms and their lives and their friends. So why am I not? Am I really that much of a failure that I can’t even handle school?

I truly don’t know what to do. I am at a point where I don’t even know if college is right for me. Thing is, I can’t afford not to go.

Yes, I could live at home and take classes at my local community college. That would be comfortable. That would be safe. But there is no room for growth there. Yes, I would have significantly less anxiety over school if I were to go the community college route. But I would never get out of this rut that I am in. I would get up, go to class, come home, and repeat. Every. Single. Day.

I wouldn’t have anything driving me to branch out and meet people (not that I am really feeling up to doing that yet), or to get involved. I wouldn’t have anything pushing me to start living. I would continue to just exist. I would continue to waste this blessed life that I was given.

I don’t know. I really don’t know what to do. I am excited for my classes. I am excited to be in the city everyday. I am not excited to live away from home. I am not excited to not have access to everything that I am used to and accustomed to. I have a set routine that I live my life by, and I get panicky just thinking about not being able to stick to my standard routine. Throw in the fear that I am going to have a roommate that judges me or thinks I’m weird or crazy or one that bullies me like I did last year into the mix and you have the recipe for a full-on breakdown.

I’m just really not ready for this. But I have no other option. I really hope that I can get my head on straight soon, because right now I feel like nothing but a failure, not only to my family, but also to myself.

Wow, this just got real depressing real fast. I’m sorry guys, I’m just at a rough point in my life I guess and this blog, while I really want it to be a positive place, is my one and only outlet. Like, you guys reading are the only people that I really have to talk to. So, if you do read this blog or watch my Youtube videos, I just hope that you know how unbelievably grateful I am to you.

I hope you all have a wonderful night and I will talk to you tomorrow. Got to get back on that being-consistant-with-my-blogging grind!

Oh, and I just want to leave you with this quote that I found.

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=)

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Guess Who’s Back and Living For Grace


Hey everyone.

Workout: Insanity Plyometric Cardio Circuit.

Insanity is, and will forever be, my go-to at home workout. Never gets old and is always a great challenge.

I want to do more cardio, but I know that I probably shouldn’t (I’m still working on the whole over-exercising thing)… So I’m thinking I’ll do some strength instead. I really need to get back into the weights!

 

So, if you haven’t noticed… It’s been almost a week since my last post. Ever since my cousin passed away, I just haven’t felt up to blogging, nor has it felt right. Thinking and writing about my menial life when my family (myself included) is in grieving and when my little angel of a cousin isn’t on this earth anymore just felt wrong. But, life goes on… And blogging is therapeutic for me. I definitely needed a break from blogging/social media, but now I’m ready to get back into it! Blogging with enthusiasm still feels hard though.

I know it sounds cliche, but unfortunately, it too often takes extreme tragedy to really appreciate all that you have in life. I am so grateful for so many things… So many things that my little cousin was never able to experience due to her illness, and will never be able to experience.

I want to be grateful for the world and really start living my life. I want to do it with grace , for Grace.

She was such a special little girl. A real life angel. Her illness prevented her from ever lying, ever hating. She had no sin. She was pure. An innocent.

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I just wish that I could properly express what Grace meant, not only to my family, but to every single person that was lucky enough to have had her in their life. Her teachers, the staff that took care of her at the home she lived at, friends, other caretakers over the years… She was a shining light.

People search and wait their entire lives to see a sign of God… To see proof.

I think Grace was that proof.

Honestly, I don’t know what I believe in. I was raised Catholic and attended Catholic school my entire life… I was very strong in my faith for a majority of my life. However, in my senior year of high school, I lost that faith. I don’t know what happened. I just woke up one day and it was gone.

But Grace was a real angel. Her life meant so much… And I just hope that wherever she is right now, she is able to think and function like a healthy little girl. I hope that she can speak and run and jump and dance and enjoy all the simple things that we, as “healthy” human beings, take for granted.

Speaking of which. Last night, I experienced that true gratitude for life.

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It was just my mom and I last night, so we decided to head over to the beach to go for a nice walk.

It was beautiful.

 

 

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We also stopped by our local Fairway (my favorite supermarket of all time… sorry Trader Joe’s) to pick up some food from the hot food/grain bars to bring down to eat on the beach.

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Seaweed salad, sweet potatoes with black beans, salmon, tofu dill salad, spaghetti squash, and roasted beets.

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Carrots, couple pieces of pasta, mushroom, more tofu salad, more beets, spinach… Needless to say, I had A LOT of leftovers for today. Salad/hot food bars of any kind are pretty much my favorite. I love being able to try a little bit of everything.

After eating, we just walked and talked (a lot of the conversation being about Grace) and took in the salty air, the sounds of the ocean, and the beautiful world around us.

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I have been in  really bad place lately. I am gaining weight, I am eating out of emotion (which just makes me more emotional because I freak out… vicious cycle), my digestive issues have been getting really bad again, I have no idea how I am going to handle being away at school, and then there is Grace. Grace’s funeral brought up so many feelings that I didn’t even know that I had. I think that it brought up all the feelings about losing my dad that I have been repressing for years (I think I am still in the denial phase of morning… I remember my dad and having him, but it doesn’t feel the memories of him are my own… if that makes any sense at all) and it was a mess. The day of the funeral, I cried for over 6 hours straight with no stopping. I had a panic attack during the funeral and then spent the next 5 hours curled up in the car in hysterics while the rest of my family was together.

I am just sick and tired of not living my life to the fullest. I don’t live. I just exist. I know that I have mentioned this before, and I know that I have made a vow to truly live… But now with Grace having passed away, I feel more obligated to really try than I had prior.

I can do this.

 

 

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Mental Health Monday, Uncategorized

Mental Health Monday – Holistic Remedies for Anxiety


Hey everyone!

I’m reading over (and cringing at) last night’s post. Wow was I a mess… But, looking over my anxiety-induced ramblings got me thinking now about what I can’t control, but what I can.

I have been dealing with extreme anxiety and depression for over 10 years now, and although it doesn’t look like it most days, I have come a long way. So, I thought that maybe it would be fun to do a little series (I’m not sure if it will be weekly or bi-weekly yet) on mental health and the restoration of it!

Obviously I am not a doctor, medical professional, or expert. I am simply a girl who has been dealing with a plethora of different mental issues for a majority of her life. I have tried every type of healing under the sun from medication to yoga to herbs. I just want to share what I know as I think that it may be helpful! Consult a medical professional if you have any concerns about maybe trying a new way of mental health restoration.

While western medicine is great in so many ways, I find that it falls short when it comes to healing mental ailments. Too often a doctor will simply look at your symptom, diagnose you, and prescribe some type of medicine that will only dull the issue. It is made to appear as though there is no real cure for mental illness, and that the only way to go on living your life as a fully-funtioning human being is to be on some medication that makes you feel less like yourself and more like a zombie for the rest of your days.

I just don’t agree with that.

And that is exactly why I choose holistic approaches to healing over western medicine 99% of the time.

Today I want to focus on anxiety. Unfortunately, I have yet to find an actual “cure” for anxiety sufferers. Trust me, if I find some miracle cure, you will be the first to know.

Although I don’t know how to banish severe anxiety and panic attacks for forever, I have definitely found a few holistic remedies that can help you live your life without having a complete meltdown every time you are thrown into a high pressure situation.

1. GABA

– GABA (gamma-minobutyric acid) is an amino acid derivative and a key inhibitory neurotransmitter. Neurotransmitters are chemical messengers that carry information between nerve cells or from nerve cells to other target cells. GABA is synthesized directly from glutamic acid. It has an inhibitory effect on the firing of neurons and supports a calm mood. (source)

If there was but one anti-anxiety remedy that I could recommend, GABA would be it. As stated above, GABA is a neurotransmitter that is already found in your brain. These pills don’t completely eliminate anxiety when the anxiety is severe (if you are having a full-blown panic attack, you won’t all of a sudden be completely calm), but it definitely makes the anxiety more bearable. During some of my worst days, I take 1-2 pills a couple times a day to keep myself relatively calm throughout the day and I don’t know if I would have gotten through my last semester of college without this stuff. It’s a true miracle worker.

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2. Rescue Remedy

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Rescue Remedy is a calming blend of different “remedies,” or flowers and herbs.

This mix was created by Dr Bach to deal with emergencies and crises – the moments when there is no time to make a proper individual selection of remedies. It can be used to help us get through any stressful situations, from last-minute exam or interview nerves, to the aftermath of an accident or bad news. Rescue Remedy helps us relax, get focused and get the needed calmness. (source)

The great thing about Rescue Remedy is that it comes in a ridiculous amount of different forms. There is a spray form (I use this), gum, liquid drops, and more. It also can be used both topically and by being ingested.

Rescue Remedy (in my opinion) is not as effective at relieving severe anxiety as GABA is, but it definitely assists in taking the edge off. Also, because it comes in the form of a piece of gum, it can easily be used in situations such as at school or work where taking a pill would not be appropriate. Also, because it can be used topically, a quick spray on your chest before going into class or a meeting can help quickly alleviate some nerves and bad thoughts.

I find Rescue Remedy at my local health food store, but it can be purchased online here.

3. This last remedy is a given, but it has to be said.

Exercise.

Getting your body moving, whether it be for a long run or a quick 10 minute yoga session is probably the absolute best and most natural way to deal with anxiety and clear your mind while also improving your health and fitness. It’s an all in one healing session!
Also, it’s definitely cheaper than going out and buying a whole bunch of products!

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I hope you found this post somewhat helpful!

Question(s):

How do you deal with stress/anxiety?

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Uncategorized

The Next Chapter


So of course, as always, I was good about posting for about two days and then completely disappeared. So much has happened this month it’s hard to even believe that it all just happened within the last couple of weeks.

First, and probably the most exciting… I’m a high school graduate!!!!

Imageblurry photo, courtesy of my friend’s sister.

After that just came the whirlwind of graduation parties and thoughts of “what the hell am i going to do with my life?”

Honestly, the idea of my going away to college in 2 months is terrifying to me. The question asked most commonly by my family and other adults is, “Wow, aren’t you so excited?” 

It’s a question that I honestly have to answer with an forced smile and a, “Yeah,” that is said more like a question than a statement. I am going to a school that is a two hour plane ride from the place that I have lived all my life. I don’t regret my decision to go so far away, in my mind this is the only shot i have to see something different. I 100% want to move back here after college and live my life here. The main problem I have is paralyzing fear. Coming from someone with severe anxiety, depression, and who moves in and out of recovering from an eating disorder, the idea of living somewhere far away with less control of my surroundings is almost a nightmare to me. Not being able to control the food that I am provided with, not being able to workout in my room every morning before breakfast, not having my own space, it’s scary. I want to be excited, and sometimes I really am, but the fear overtakes the excitement. I want to make my life into something wonderful, I want to enjoy this youth of mine instead of destroying it like I have been doing. I don’t want to be controlled by this sickness in my brain that tells me I can’t enjoy life. I don’t know.

I also don’t want to rush into what so many high school graduates seem to do. You know, that “I just want it to be time for college already, so I’m going to speed through summer,” thing. I want to enjoy every day that I have to it’s fullest. I’ve spent so much time hiding, and still have, Just this week I have skipped two graduation parties out of not wanting people to see my hugely grotesque body. That’s not living, now is it?

I have already had some great days though. On thursday I went into the city with my best friend and we went to the Museum of Natural History! It’s one of my favorite places in the whole world and I’m so thankful to finally have a friend who doesn’t think it’s lame. 

ImageI spent way too much time in the ancient Japan area… I have such a love for asian culture and history, it’s so interesting!

ImageA giant sloth… just because =3

We also got to walk around Central Park for a little while, Central Park has to be one of my favorite places in the world. It’s just amazing how one minute you can be in this busy city of pavement and sky scrapers and then all of a sudden you’re in this beautiful place surrounded by nature. There’s something that is just so magical about Central Park.

ImageI need to get into the city early one morning and run. There’s something about running in Central Park that’s just amazing. There’s always somewhere new to explore!

I’m sitting outside as I type this and it is just SUCH a beautiful day. It’s supposed to hit 90 though so something tells me that I’ll wind up in the gym instead of running like I meant too (I’m a wimp, what can I say.) I shall talk to you later blogiverse! 

i am the QUEEN of corney farewells. 

 

 

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