The Post That Wasn’t Supposed To Be Super Deep But Wound Up Being Exactly That…

Hey everyone.

Workout – 6 miles in Central Park.


I don’t know what it is, but my legs have been feeling super dead since school started back in August. In fact, my entire body has just been feeling exhausted. I know that I don’t get enough sleep, but I didn’t get much sleep at home… So no change there. I also am working out significantly less than I was over the summer (which I need to change)… So I don’t get why I have been feeling this way.

That being said, I am so happy to be running again after having to take almost 3 weeks off. I just wish that my body was as happy to be running as my brain is.

I also just need to state for the umpteenth time just how much I love running in Central Park. Not only is it aesthetically beautiful, but it is also just such a…. I don’t know… spiritual(?) place to me. The vibe is just amazing.

I love how busy it is. I love seeing people of all ages, genders, ethnicities, etc. out running, walking, and biking. It’s one of those unique places where you can be surrounded by activity, but still be enveloped by a feeling of absolute serenity.

I also love how it feels like a completely different world than New York City. Here you have what is one of the busiest cities in the world, yet it couldn’t feel any less like it.


I found myself in the middle of the “woods” today during my run. I hit a dead end, and very unlike myself, I felt compelled to stop an meditate. I sat down on a rock, closed my eyes, and meditated in the style that I spoke about the other day. Yup, I did the chants and everything. I seriously felt myself leave myself if that makes any sense. I was surrounded by nature and the sounds of the birds and the wind (today was the coldest and windiest day every, I swear) blowing through the trees. I just kind of felt at complete peace with the world and with myself, and that is not a feeling that I am used to. Typically, I am just constantly consumed by my complete self loathing.

I really want to become a more spiritual person. It’s funny actually… We live in such an amazing and storage and magical world. I am grateful for the air I breathe and the sky above me and the grass and the water and for all of the places that I have been and for all of the places that I hope to someday go. That all being said, I can never get myself to just sit and meditate and really take it all in.

In my mind, I am the kind of person that wants to run around barefoot to absorb the earth’s vibrations and practices yoga, and meditates daily… But I’m not. But I want to be. Does that make any sense?

I wish I could pinpoint exactly what is holding me back. I don’t know if it’s some sort of fear or anxiety surrounding this.. Or if it is just my putting obscene amount of pressure on myself as I always do.

I, like many people suffering from eating disorders, addiction, etc., am a very extreme person. When I focus my attention on something, I feel that I need to give that one thing 110%. Anything less absolute perfection is a complete failure and failure can’t happen because then I just spiral downward into a self-inflicted cycle of despair over my, “not being good enough.” I want to be this spiritual person, but I also like makeup and clothes and don’t want to just get rid of everything and start living a life of complete minimalism. I am not in the place right now where I want to go 100% vegan (although I will say that my diet is predominantly plant based). Because of these factors, along with my not meditating every day or living and breathing yoga, I feel as though if I were to try to discover a type of spirituality… I would be a fraud.

That being said, I know that I need to, in some form, live a more spiritual life.

I grew up attending Catholic school my entire life. I was never one of the super duper into the church/involved in every type of church organization type of kids. But I did, in my own quiet way, have a deeply routed faith. And I cannot even begin to tell you how many times that faith, quite literally, saved my life.

When I was younger and having my severe suicidal thoughts, it was a fear of going to hell (I had a teacher who told me that suicides go to hell once and it stuck with me) that kept me from going through with the act. I now believe that if there is a hell, any God worth loving wouldn’t send a soul there that was hurting so deeply that they felt the need to end their lives. Still, this fear kept me from doing the unthinkable.

When I was in the hospital, having incapacitating panic attacks that had me screaming into pillows and shaking so violently that my IV would come out, it was a little rosary that my mom gave me that was the only way I could calm myself down. Each night in the hospital, I would fall asleep running those little beads through my fingers and praying.

Then one day, I woke up and my faith was gone. I kid you not, there was no event (yes my dad had died the previous year, but I never felt an anger towards God or a doubting in His existence from that) leading up to it. I just woke up this morning and poof. Nothing.

I had never felt so alone.

I don’t know what I believe in right now. I don’t really believe in anything, but I so desperately want to. Need to.

I always used to say to whoever would listen that I felt that there was nothing sadder than believing in absolutely nothing.

“I don’t care if you worship dogs as gods,” I would say. “You just need to believe in something. Because without a belief, what is there?”

And now I am one of those people that can’t believe in anything. And trust me, it’s just as sad as I believed it would be.

I have been listening to a lot of podcasts recently, and a lot of them feature very spiritual beings. Now, none of these people that are so inspiring to me are spiritual in the traditional sense. They aren’t preaching about Jesus (not that I have anything again this, because that couldn’t be further from the truth), nor are they hippy-dippy types (again, nothing wrong with that) going on about the vibes and pseudo-buddhism or any of the dogmatic stuff that everyone seems to love to claim they believe in more so because of it’s being trendy or different than their truly loving and understanding the religion or belief system.

No, these are people who have been in the depths of darkness. People who have overcome some truly heinous things and have transformed into some of the most amazing human being that walk this planet.

These are people who have found a type of spirituality that resonates with them and that they fell in love with . There are people who read and studied everything and felt compelled towards specific beliefs by powers greater than themselves. These are people that you know are spiritual beings, not because of what they tell you (in fact, most of them on the podcasts only speak about spirality for a tenth of the episode), but by the words they speak and the energy and vibrations that they emanate, even over just audio.

I feel that I need something, anything, to make me believe in something. I was to be free from these thoughts, this disease, that is keeping me from becoming the person that I want to be. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of hating myself, both physically and mentally. I am tired of feeling unfulfilled, and I am tired of feeling guilty for my feeling unfulfilled.

In one of the podcasts that I listened to earlier this week, the guest (I can’t remember who) said something along the lines of that once you have been at the point where you were truly suicidal or caught in complete and all consuming addiction, that you have already died. The time that you have when and if you get out of the darkness? It’s a gift. You were dead, but somehow you came back.. And now it is your responsibility to use that time that the universe has so generously gifted you and use it to give back to the world that you wanted to badly to leave. That is all I want.

I just want to be someone that is worth something.

This post was actually supposed to be about my trip to the Brooklyn Museum yesterday and how amazing it was.. But then, in typical Erin fashion, I started rambling about super deep and utterly uninteresting things… So, now I am just going to share with you a few pretty pictures from yesterday! Woohoo!

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healthy living, life, recovery

The First Real Day

Hey all! 

Workout: Treadmill interval workout from FitSugar.

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I changed the workout up slightly by increasing the speed by .5-1 throughout, running at 6-6.5mph during the walking bits, and running at a .5 incline when it said to run at .00 incline.

Also, I showed you guys that I got new running shoes the other day right?


I decided to try out Brooks PureFlow 2s, and I have to say that I am absolutely loving them. I have only run in them twice (long run on Sunday and my intervals today), so I can’t exactly give a full review yet. So far they are nice and light, yet they still keep my ankles stable (important for me) and they fit nicely which is rare since I have really bizarrely shaped feet.

However, I have THE most gnarly blisters on the back of my heels. I seriously wanted to cry at certain points during this mornings workout… For the most part I was super happy during my workout though!




Incline running is no joke. 

Also, what is it about school gyms and not having the air conditioners on? I thought I was suffocating throughout my workout!



Nothing that a little iced coffee can’t fix though ;).

So today marks my first official day of classes (actually it was Thursday… but I told you a little about that whole fiasco), and my first full day of being “away” at school. I put away in quotes because I’m like…a half an hour train ride from home so I don’t know if it really counts.


I tried to be a girl. All the lights fell off the wall. Command hooks, you have betrayed me.

So I set out to make today a good one. I got up at 6 (set my alarm for 6:30, but oh well), worked out, had a nutritious breakfast, took a nice shower. All was well and good. I walked the 2 miles to school, which would normally be super nice because New York is the greatest place ever, but between the heat and humidity and the blisters on my feet…I probably should have taken the subway. 

I finally arrived (very sweaty and disheveled I might add… Here’s to making good first impressions) to find a note posted on my classroom door that the class had been changed. I followed what I (correctly) assumed to be others who were in the same class over to the building and room that the class was now apparently supposed to be in, and… Get this.

The teacher never showed up.

We sat there for 40 minutes before giving up. 

So now I am 0 for 2 in this whole “getting to class” thing.

I have to leave in around 15 minutes for my next class (which also happens to be the one that I couldn’t find on Thursday), so here’s hoping the third time is the charm!

I will say though, minus the whole classroom-changing-teacher-never-showing-up debacle… Today has been ok! My roommate hasn’t been here yet, so I have just been on my own,and I kind of like that. Yes, I really want and need to make friends, but at the same time, I am enjoying having time alone with myself. The city is such a wonderful and inspiring place. When I am walking through the streets from my housing to my school, I can’t shake the feeling that this, this city, is where I need to be. Where I am supposed to be. I don’t know.

Also, I have to say that people watching in the city is such an amazing way to find inspiration for characters in the stories that I write. I have always dreamed of being a novelist, and I have a few novels in the works currently. It just seems that I can never bring myself to make the time (which is absurd because I definitely have the time) to sit down and just write. This being alone with myself while still being surrounded by thousands of people in a big city is filling me with inspiration and drive to really get back into writing. I’m thinking of bringing my laptop over to Central Park on Thursday since I don’t have class until 4:10 that day and just writing. 

I don’t know how to describe how I am feeling right now. I still feel down and numb and really anxious and not ok… But I feel something else as well.

I think it’s hope.

And now I am off to go pick up some bandaids for my blisters to make the commute to school a little less painful.

Until tomorrow my friends!


Fat Is Not A Feeling

Hey all!

Workout –  I had originally planned on swimming this morning since I haven’t in a long time… But quite honestly, I just wasn’t feeling it.

Instead, I went for Insanity Asylum’s Game Day. Definitely my favorite workout from the Asylum vol. 1 version of Insanity.


No Shaun T… It most certainly does not.

Breakfast – Breakfast was kind of sort of super exciting today. Actually, it’s always exciting… I just really love smoothie bowls guys.

But what made today’s meal extra special was this little guy.


Dragon fruit!

You guys may have seen that I went to the asian grocery store near my home yesterday and came home with one (way too expensive) fun new fruit to try! 



I really wasn’t expecting dragon fruit to be as mild as it is! I thought it would be sweeter, but it actually doesn’t have all that much flavor (or at least mine didn’t). Very nice and refreshing and I loved the crunch of all the little seeds in my smoothie. 

Plus, it’s just a really cool fruit to look at!


So what I want to address today is something that I have (obviously) been struggling with for quite some time.

Feeling fat.

We have all, at one point or another, thought or uttered something along the lines of, “I feel fat today.” I mean, I know that I personally am guilty of saying that exact sentence (often accompanied by an “ugh”) at least once a day, often more.

But here’s the funny thing, fat is not a feeling.

Look at any list of the spectrum of emotions and I will guarantee you that never once will you find the word fat there. Happy? Yes. Angry? Yes. Disgruntled? Indeed. Fat? Nope.

You know what fat actually is? A macronutrient. 

Yes, fat can also be used as an adjective in describing a creature with an excessive amount of, well, fat. Fat is a substance. Fat is not a state of being.

Recently, I have been finding that I have been having “fat days” more often than not. And what is a “fat day” you ask? Well dear reader, a “fat day” is defined (by me) as one of those days where you wake up and the first thing that comes to mind upon getting up and moving your body is, “Ugh, I feel/am so fat today.”

Now here’s the thing, while some of those “fat days” that people have sometimes have a reasoning, whether it be a PMS symptom, a result of eating too much salt the night before, etc.. More often than not, the person having the “fat day” will, in fact, look and weight the same as he/she did the day before. They just can’t see it.

It’s all about perspective. 

The funny thing about feeling fat is how completely normal it seems in todays society, when, in fact, it is one of the most nonsensical idea/statement there is. How can you “feel” something that is not an emotion. I don’t wake up and say, “I feel protein today.” It’s basically the same thing.

I found this little cartoon online that I believe sums up the topic of fat as a feeling absolutely perfectly.






So there you have it. Next time you find yourself “feeling fat,” I need you to promise me that you will remind yourself that you can’t feel fat. It’s not a state of being. 

Also, you are not fat. You are a person, a wonderful shining human being with hopes and dreams and ambitions and what is, I bet, a kick-butt personality to boot.

You are not fat, you have fat. You also have bones and organs and muscles. You are not any of those things either. 

I just need you to know that you are you and that in itself is something to cherish and be proud of. 

I hope you all have a wonderful night and I will talk to you tomorrow Good night =)


Guess Who’s Back and Living For Grace

Hey everyone.

Workout: Insanity Plyometric Cardio Circuit.

Insanity is, and will forever be, my go-to at home workout. Never gets old and is always a great challenge.

I want to do more cardio, but I know that I probably shouldn’t (I’m still working on the whole over-exercising thing)… So I’m thinking I’ll do some strength instead. I really need to get back into the weights!


So, if you haven’t noticed… It’s been almost a week since my last post. Ever since my cousin passed away, I just haven’t felt up to blogging, nor has it felt right. Thinking and writing about my menial life when my family (myself included) is in grieving and when my little angel of a cousin isn’t on this earth anymore just felt wrong. But, life goes on… And blogging is therapeutic for me. I definitely needed a break from blogging/social media, but now I’m ready to get back into it! Blogging with enthusiasm still feels hard though.

I know it sounds cliche, but unfortunately, it too often takes extreme tragedy to really appreciate all that you have in life. I am so grateful for so many things… So many things that my little cousin was never able to experience due to her illness, and will never be able to experience.

I want to be grateful for the world and really start living my life. I want to do it with grace , for Grace.

She was such a special little girl. A real life angel. Her illness prevented her from ever lying, ever hating. She had no sin. She was pure. An innocent.


I just wish that I could properly express what Grace meant, not only to my family, but to every single person that was lucky enough to have had her in their life. Her teachers, the staff that took care of her at the home she lived at, friends, other caretakers over the years… She was a shining light.

People search and wait their entire lives to see a sign of God… To see proof.

I think Grace was that proof.

Honestly, I don’t know what I believe in. I was raised Catholic and attended Catholic school my entire life… I was very strong in my faith for a majority of my life. However, in my senior year of high school, I lost that faith. I don’t know what happened. I just woke up one day and it was gone.

But Grace was a real angel. Her life meant so much… And I just hope that wherever she is right now, she is able to think and function like a healthy little girl. I hope that she can speak and run and jump and dance and enjoy all the simple things that we, as “healthy” human beings, take for granted.

Speaking of which. Last night, I experienced that true gratitude for life.



It was just my mom and I last night, so we decided to head over to the beach to go for a nice walk.

It was beautiful.





We also stopped by our local Fairway (my favorite supermarket of all time… sorry Trader Joe’s) to pick up some food from the hot food/grain bars to bring down to eat on the beach.


Seaweed salad, sweet potatoes with black beans, salmon, tofu dill salad, spaghetti squash, and roasted beets.


Carrots, couple pieces of pasta, mushroom, more tofu salad, more beets, spinach… Needless to say, I had A LOT of leftovers for today. Salad/hot food bars of any kind are pretty much my favorite. I love being able to try a little bit of everything.

After eating, we just walked and talked (a lot of the conversation being about Grace) and took in the salty air, the sounds of the ocean, and the beautiful world around us.


I have been in  really bad place lately. I am gaining weight, I am eating out of emotion (which just makes me more emotional because I freak out… vicious cycle), my digestive issues have been getting really bad again, I have no idea how I am going to handle being away at school, and then there is Grace. Grace’s funeral brought up so many feelings that I didn’t even know that I had. I think that it brought up all the feelings about losing my dad that I have been repressing for years (I think I am still in the denial phase of morning… I remember my dad and having him, but it doesn’t feel the memories of him are my own… if that makes any sense at all) and it was a mess. The day of the funeral, I cried for over 6 hours straight with no stopping. I had a panic attack during the funeral and then spent the next 5 hours curled up in the car in hysterics while the rest of my family was together.

I am just sick and tired of not living my life to the fullest. I don’t live. I just exist. I know that I have mentioned this before, and I know that I have made a vow to truly live… But now with Grace having passed away, I feel more obligated to really try than I had prior.

I can do this.




Tone It Up Bikini Series – Recap And Final Reflection

Hey everyone! I’ve been meaning to write this post since Saturday and am finally finding time to sit and take some time to write it.

So, as I have mentioned countless times before, I am a member of Tone It Up and have been for years. In case you have never heard of the Tone It Up (in which case… do you live under a rock?), it is business and community founded and run by best friends Katrina Hodgson and Karena Dawn. Tone It Up began as a Youtube channel and have since grown into a multi-million dollar company with tens of thousands of followers. K & K are unbelievable inspirational and have been my role-models since finding their Youtube channel in 2008. I could go on and on about how much I love them for forever, but instead I’ll just say that if you want to know more about Karena and Katrina as well as Tone It Up as a whole, you can read about them/it here.


This year marked the fourth year for Tone It Up’s Bikini Series, an annual challenge beginning in the spring and ending on the first day of summer. The goal is to get you into tip-top shape come bikini season (i.e. summer)!

Throughout the series, Karena and Katrina post weekly schedules for workouts on their website along with daily “Sunset Challenges” and post new toning routines each Tuesday. Participants are encouraged to check in daily via Instagram, Twitter, or in the Tone It Up Community with their meals and to offer encouragement to other Bikini Series participants!

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(all from my Instagram)

For the sake of keeping this post from being obscenely long, you can read more about the Bikini Series here.

The Bikini Series is something that I look forward to every year and is something that I have been “participating” in since the very first one four years ago. Now, I put “participating” in quotations because every year I begin the series with good intentions… But every year, as I have mentioned before, I fail because I freak out and fall back into unhealthy habits.

This year, I wanted things to be different. I was/am so sick of constantly tormenting myself with guilt and fear and all of that other nonsense that prevents me from living the life that I want to. I want nothing more to be the image of health. I want to focus on eating healthy and nutrient dense foods instead of looking to get the least amount of calories in my meals. I want to be able to run fast and long and do it because I love it instead of doing hours of half-hearted workouts in hopes of burning as many calories as possible. I want to be fully recovered. I do.

It’s easier said than done… And more often than not, I convince myself that I don’t in fact want recovery… So this is my public reminder that I do want to be my best self, not my sickest self.

How does this ramble fit into the Bikini Series? Well, the Bikini Series was actually a huge proponent in my finally realizing just how badly I want to be a true example of a healthy and happy human being. The Bikini Series brings an unbelievable amount of beautiful, kind, and inspiring women together to work hard and support each other in a loving and positive community.

I really do have to say that I have never experience anything but positivity within the Tone It Up/Bikini Series community. Yes, I do realize that negative comments and statements are probably monitored and promptly deleted, but for the most part, I do think that the following surrounding Tone It Up is predominantly made up of kind-hearted people who genuinely want the best for all of the other women pursuing the same goal that they are: their best self.

Going onto my Instagram every day and seeing check in after check in of healthy meals and workouts and smiles from beautiful women of all ages, sizes, and backgrounds. Seeing all of these ladies succeeding in moving towards their best self really gave me the push that I needed on days where I would have much fathered skip lunch in favor of a calorie-free coffee.

In addition to the wonderful Tone It Up community, Karena and Katrina never fail to inspire me to strive for health. Like I said earlier, I discovered these two amazing ladies back in 2008 when I was just a self-conscious 8th grader who wanted to lose weight.

This may sound dramatic, but finding their videos on Youtube all those years ago truly changed my life forever. I found my love for fitness, I found my desire to pursue a career in healthy living (although I have swapped out my major in exercise science for journalism, I still want to personal train and be a fitness instructor more than anything), I found a desire to create Youtube videos to create and share my thoughts and ideas with the world (I finally worked up the courage to pursue that dream this year!)… I just can’t even properly explain to you how immense of an impact Tone It Up has had on my life.

I started this Bikini Series wanting to lose weight, although I know i probably didn’t need to, but not ready to dive in full force since I knew that I most likely would gain weight if I ate more.

I ended this Bikini Series focusing less on the weight and more on the mindset. I’ve been trying to think less and just live. Can I say that I’m recovered and now I can eat whatever I want without a second thought about how many calories are in it? No. Can I say that I allow my body the proper amount of rest that it needs between workouts? Unfortunately, no.. I can’t. But I can say that I am getting there. 

For over 3 years not I have felt nothing but stuck. I wasn’t getting sicker, but I also wasn’t getting better. I gained weight without upping my calorie intake which caused my restricting even more out of complete terror that eating 5 extra calories would cause my weight to go up overnight again.

Yesterday, I weighed myself for the first time since my body completely betrayed me two years ago… Gaining almost 20 pounds in less than a month even though I was existing on less that 1000 calories a day and running competitively. I don’t know how I feel about the number… I didn’t feel much of anything about it actually. I wasn’t happy about the number, but it also didn’t cause me to workout an extra hour that day and skip breakfast. It was just a number.

I know it doesn’t seem like that is much, but it is everything to me.

This Bikini Series has put me on the path to a long overdue change that needed to be made. Don’t get me wrong, I am nowhere near where I need to be yet… But I’m closer. Even if I have only creeped an inch forward on the journey towards recovery, it is an inch more than I have moved in years. 

I am so thankful to Tone It Up, the Bikini Series, and all of the incredible women who took part in the challenge for inspiring me each and every day to try to be my best self. I am thankful for the women who showed me that you don’t have to be perfect all the time, that you don’t have to punish yourself for a slip up, and that everyone is worth something.

Even me.



Relocation and Smokey Brown Eyes

Hey everyone!

So I have some exciting, albeit totally terrifying (for me), news…

Next year, I will be moving to New York City.


This is unbelievable to me… It’s so funny how much my life has changed from what I had thought it was going to be like.

I thought I would spend four years going to university in Tampa.


I thought that I would be pursuing a career in exercise science.


I thought my life would be so much better than it was in high school and that I would have lots of friends.


I feel like I wasted a year of my life going to the wrong college and having a completely horrific experience, but I know that if I hadn’t taken the jump out of my comfort zone and gone to school in Florida, I would have spent the entire rest of my life wondering, “What if?”

Now, I am so excited and so terrified. I will be going to school in the greatest city on earth, and I will also be living there!

I was notified last night that I was accepted into housing (bviously the limited housing offered by the college goes fast… cheap housing in NYC? That’s hard to come by).

If I’m honest, part of me was kind of hoping that I wouldn’t be accepted into housing. It sounds pathetic, but I had such a horrible horrible HORRIBLE experience with housing this past year and I am so scared that something like that will happen again.

But it won’t.

It can’t.

The more I think about it, the more hope-filled and excited I become. A journalism major living in New York City? What could be better? Plus, this is where I was supposed to be… I am sure of it.

When I was a little girl, I had this silly little pipe dream. I was going to go to Columbia University, live in the city during my college years, and become a writer.

Someone tell me why I ever shoved that dream aside.

The college that I will be attending wasn’t even on my radar when I was looking at schools, no school in New York City was. Why is that? It’s funny how often we shove our dreams and ambitions aside because that are deemed childish or impossible.

I am confident that this school, this major, this career path. This is where I need to be.


Speaking of chasing those dreams that everyone else believes to be ridiculous…

I have started up my Youtube channel again!
I’m unsure if I actually have any blog posts on here (that haven’t been deleted) that mention my Youtube channel … but yeah, I have one!

Youtube has been something that I have wanted to do since 9th grade when I began to really get into makeup and fashion. In fact, my friends all encouraged me to make a channel back in 9th grade (I didn’t) because of my love of doing different makeup looks.

The main problem was, besides the fear of people from school finding my videos, was a lack of self confidence. The idea of putting myself on the internet for the world to see was unthinkable to me. I couldn’t do fashion videos because I believed that I was too large to look good in the clothing that I wanted to wear. I couldn’t do makeup tutorials because I felt that my face was too ugly to be able to be taken seriously for a, “beauty,” video.

Well… Here I am, years later, finally pursuing this whole Youtube thing. I love the idea of making videos and connecting and networking with people all over the world (Hey! That’s something that drew me to blogging as well!). I love the idea of not feeling so alone when you have someone comment on your video or blog post. It’s just one of those thing that I, lamely enough, feel like I am supposed to be doing.

Now, my confidence is still no where near high… Right after posting a video I have to force myself to not delete it right away. I am taking a risk and challenging myself, and I am proud of myself.

So, long story short, I made a makeup tutorial!


I’m going to shamelessly self-promote my video and stick a link to it here:


While I know that is no where near the super professional level of what seems to be most Youtuber these days, I am pretty darn proud of how it came out! It would really mean a lot to me if you guys would watch it and maybe even give it a thumbs up!

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Okay, I promise I’m done being annoying and self-promoting now!

In all seriousness, I am so thankful to the few of you that read my little, non-cohesive, rambley, and non-interesting blog. I apologize that all of my posts have been so heavy recently… Just have a whole lot of feeling you know?


Thank you for taking time out of your day/night and reading this post and I will talk to you all tomorrow!



A New Beginning

Hey everyone! So.. these past couple of days have been pretty darn crazy.

Well, first things first I guess… I am officially done with not only my first year of college (wow, I feel old), but with the college that a year ago, I seriously believed would be the place where I would one day call my alma matter.

Well, as I know all too well, things don’t always work out the way that you expect and want them to.

It’s funny (and kind of sad), to think about where I was at this point last year. I was in a high school that I believed that I hated (I actually miss it so much) and was nearing my graduation. I was a good student it school with a couple of really amazing friends that I am so thankful for. I was so excited to go to college and to begin studying what I thought would one day be my future career. I was so excited to have a fresh start. I was so excited to be forced out of my comfort zone. I was so excited to make friends.

I was so excited to maybe finally find true happiness.

And now here I am, leaving my school in Florida, heading home, and never looking back.


The fact of the matter is that is just wasn’t the right place for me. I honestly feel like I threw away a year of my life. I went into college feeling confused and overwhelmed by the idea of what I was doing with my life and my future (I think that’s pretty standard for college freshman) and am now leaving feeling more confused than ever. I feel like I set myself back a whole year and I honestly just feel like a complete failure. I didn’t do well in school (I have never gotten below a B before this year, and I went to a very challenging high school), I always had a couple of great friends, I was always involved in school and sport, I always felt like I had my head on somewhat straight. And now what?

Well, what I am trying to do is to focus on the positives from this past year, because there really were a few. Yes, the negatives from this past year definitely greatly outweigh the positives. But why focus on the negatives? One of my goals is to fill my life with more positivity, I have wasted way too many years feeling hopeless and powerless. I don’t want to live like that any more.

So here are a couple of happy memories.

1. At the beginning of the year, I went to the beach  in Tarpon Springs with a couple of friends and witnessed one of the most beautiful sunsets of my life.


2. I met my writing professor and had the chance to take classed with her both in the Fall and Spring semesters. She saw something in my that I didn’t know existed and has given me the strength to follow my dreams and pursue writing. There are to words to express how amazing it felt to have someone other that my mom and my friends (who, let’s be honest, have biased opinions of me) believe in my and see some sort of potential in me.

3. I went to Bradenton and got to see the worlds oldest manatee!


4.  I got the chance to go to Epcot in Disney!


5. Although I didn’t make a plethora of friends at college, I did make one amazing friend who I know will always be in my life. I am so thankful to have had the chance to get to know my friend Shannon and I can’t thank her enough for being the great friend that I needed to help me get through this crazy year. She has helped me through so much and I really am just so thankful.


So now I am currently writing this from a hotel room somewhere in South Carolina. Like I said earlier, between finals and moving out, this past week has seriously been a whirlwind. I am the actual physical definition of of burned out, I think my brain is actually mush. We have never actually driven that far before (the furthest I have gone by car is New York to Washington DC), so driving almost completely across the country is definitely a new experience for me! We have already driven all the way from St. Petersburg to South Carolina, so that’s about 8 hours of driving! And we still have 2 full days of driving ahead of us… (it’s about a 25 hour drive total).

Lucky for me, I have my mom to keep my company! We also went to Whole Foods and stocked up on snacks, so that’s definitely a good thing, and we got to have a super awesome meal here last night!


Blackened scallops, sweet potato (didn’t eat much of it), and the BEST red cabbage! Trying to keep it clean even on the road!

Another way that I’m keeping sane is by making sure that I am getting in a good workout in the morning before we start driving.

Yesterday, before we left, I went out for a 5 mile run to shake out my legs and to test out MY NEW SNEAKERS! After being less-than-impressed by the newest model of Mizuno’s Wave Riders (full review coming soon), after a ton of research, I wound up purchasing the Saucony Kinvara 5’s. I’m not really sure how I feel about them yet (I find that it always takes a few runs for me to get used to the feel of a new shoe, even if it is a model I have worn before, and honestly, I just really feel like I am cheating on my Mizunos! I have been wearing Mizunos ever since I started running almost 3 years ago and I am VERY emotionally invested in that brand… Probably so emotionally invested that it’s not normal haha.


Neon shoes are the best shoes.


Now we are packing up to leave on our quest to our next stop in Virginia. I started my day in the hotel “gym” (I put gym in quotation marks because it was honestly just a room with a treadmill and a stationary bike, but I made due) and did the newest Tone It Up interval workout and covered 4.02 miles! I love doing workouts that incorporate both cardio and strength training, no matter how minimal, when I am crushed for time because they’re all in one! They also just keep the workout interesting since you keep changing up what you are doing!

IMG_3874 IMG_3873

Now I am just sitting here munching on nuts and fruit, while my mom gets her things together to go.

Next stop…. hopefully somewhere to get an iced coffee the size of my head… but then, Virginia!





Right Back At It


Hey everyone!

I’m back at school after a very hellish few days (about every bad thing that could possibly happen at the airport happened and I wound up not being able to get on my plane. Then, the next day, I had to go back to the airport again for a different flight and the plane was delayed once we were on it by 4 hours… It was a mess.)

As unhappy I am about being back here, and trust me, I am. I am back and at ti with a new attitude… or at least I am trying to have one. It’s hard, I am taking classes in a major that am no longer pursuing, and they are super hard classes too. It’s hard to stay motivated in classes that have absolutely nothing to do with my future… but I digress. I want to better myself in every way possible (heh.. this seems to be a re-occuring theme on my blog these days), and I will. I know I will.

I just need to get through the rest of this semester.

This is hard too, this idea of, “just getting though it.” This is the advice that I keep receiving from people, “Erin, you only have two more months. It will fly by.”

But I don’t want it to fly by. The idea of time, and the speed at which it seems to fly by… That has to be one of my biggest fears. It scares me. I don’t want time to be something that I wish away; I have never been one to wish it away. I have never wanted to be older, to grow up. I didn’t want to… Still don’t. Yet, I had to grow up pretty quickly due to to the happenings of life. And this is ok, but I won’t… no… can’t let go of my childhood dreams. I need to make something of myself. I need to make myself matter. To be someone that means something.


So my “plan” that I had for my life seems to have veered off in another direction. But that’s ok.

So yes, I will just try to, “get through the rest of the semester.” But at the same time, I won’t just go through the motions. I am going to read books, draw, write. I am going to focus on rediscovering myself and learning about who I am and trying to learn to accept the body that houses the person that I call myself.

And of course, a large part of this self discovery involves running.

Admittedly, I have gotten into a bit of rut lately when it comes to running and working out in general. I haven’t been loving it the way I normally do. I have been compulsive. Hours of exercise. No easy days. I have been unfair to my body and to myself.

All of us fall into ruts somethings, where we are just not feeling our workouts the way that we normally do. Not experiencing the joy that exercise normally gives. But why? Having a body that supports me running mile after mile? That is such a gift. It is something to be seen as a reward, not a punishment for the calories that I consume.




Life is beautiful. It is a gift.



Here’s to trying again to live the life that I want. And I am to fail… well… I’ll get right back at it again (total A Day to Remember reference here!)


Twenty Thirteen

Wow, this year has really been a series of ups and downs. So much has changed so quickly, but at the same time it hasn’t. Things started getting really rough back in 2010, and things have seemed to keep going down hill since than. However, I want to make this new year different.

Yes, many things that happen in life are out of my control. But at the same time, when things get tough, I am one to just take it. I live my life as a punching bag, I always have. I know that I am a stronger person then I portray myself as being. I fear conflict, with other people, and with life in general. I let people walk all over me because I fear being hated. Why? It’s childish and silly.

Every year, I, like so many others, go into the new year with the phrase, “20** … Be good to me.” Now here is a thought, why would life just suddenly get better without putting in the effort? Really, life is going to be hard, maybe even suck, 90% of the time. But it is the way that we react to what life throws at us that molds our happiness. Things are going to happen, we can either choose to play the victim and complain about how unfair life is, or we can choose to try to see the light in the situation.

Trust me, I know as well as anyone that it is not that easy. One of the worst things that people seem to always say to me, and to other people with struggles similar to mine, is to just, “Choose to be happy.” Well thanks! Wow! I never thought of that before.

It’s not as easy as just choosing to be happy. Depression, eating disorders, OCD, anxiety, bipolar, everything bad that happens in life… no one chooses it. But at the same time, the people who break out of the darkness are the people that choose to fight the dark monsters within them.

In my junior year of high school, in religion class we read, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” by Viktor Frankl. If you haven’t read this book, you should. The story is an autobiographical piece, half of it taking place during Frank’s time in a concentration camp during WWII. One line in the book that really stuck with me was that when all freedom is taken from you, the one freedom that you will always have is the power to choose your attitude. In the camp, there were two types of people. There were those who just gave up, choosing to lay in bed all day until death came to take them. Then there were those who chose to fight. Even in the camp, a place so horrible that it’s hard to even imagine, they were able to find small glimpses of happiness. While working outside, the took in the beauty of nature, when they could, they found happiness through song, religion, anything. These were the people that made it out of the camp alive. These people chose to look for small glimpses of beauty in what seemed like nothing but ugliness.

I aspire to be like these people.

I want to help myself, to truly help myself. These bad feelings that I have… the depression, the eating disorder, the anxiety, they have been with me for so long that they have begun to feel like my identity. I have been too afraid to let them go. Who will I be without them? Normal? Happy? No. That must be impossible for me… Right?

But, when I really think about it… I believe that everybody deserves to be happy. Every single person but me deserves happiness. Now, that really doesn’t make sense now does it? 

Change is scary. It’s uncomfortable. Refusing help is assuring that I stay miserable. But, even miserable, at least I am still in my comfort zone. What happens when I one day escape these monsters in my brain that are holding me back from reaching a better place? It’s a scary thought.

And that brings me to my New Years resolution. I was to take risks. I want to do things that scare me.

Now, when I first told my mom this, I think I scared her a little. By saying I want to take risks, I am not saying that I want to jump out of airplanes. I want to take risks in things that matter. I want to try to get out of this comfort zone that I hide myself in because I am too scared of making myself uncomfortable.

I might be switching schools.

I might be changing majors.

Changing majors to something that I am passionate about something that I have always loved, but pushed to the side because it’s not a secure thing to pursue.

I want to do things that make me happy.

I want to do things that make me feel fulfilled.

I don’t want to be one of those people who blink and suddenly they are 40 and working a job that they hate. I don’t want to regret things. I want to find something, somewhere, that finally makes me happy.

And that is my new year’s tangent.

Happy New Years everyone. I wish you nothing  but happiness in this year to come. But remember, to find happiness, you need to try.

I believe in all of you. Let’s make 2014 a great year.