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Thinking Out Loud 10.9.2014 – Getting Deep Up In Here


Hey guys.

It’s, “Erin rambles on about the jumbled mess that are her thoughts,” day… Or, to put it in a better way, “Thinking Out Loud Thursday.”

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Thanks Amanda for creating this link-up and actually giving me the mental strength to sit and type a post (wow, that was melodramatic).

Workout – 45 minutes of intervals on the elliptical.

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1. Yup. As I briefly mentioned in my Monday post…. I’m still/yet again injured. I has been almost 2 weeks since my last “run” (ok, actually I ran 4 miles on Saturday because I thought I was healed, but I was wrong and am paying for it.

I strained a muscle in my lateral leg. The pain is most severe in my outer ankle area (hurts to the touch), but it pulls from my arch all the way up through my gluteal area. Not fun.

I just feel as though I am always injured, and yes, I am aware that I am to blame for this in a number of ways… But this just could not have come at a worse time.

Over the course of the last month or so, I have just been spiraling further and further down the rabbit hole of depression and self loathing. I am having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, I don’t feel up to talking to anyone (even if it is just over text messages), I don’t have the mental stamina to complete my school work. Basically, I just feel like curling up in a ball and turning the world around me off. The universe feels too big and loud and terrifying and I don’t feel strong enough to be a part of it.

During the course of this spiraling into a deep sea of depression, there was one single thing that filled me with hope and joy and a sense of meaning… Can you guess what it was?

If you said running, than you are correct.

In fact, the day that I discovered I was injured, I had a therapy appointment before I went to the doctor for my leg. We had an amazing session and we spoke about how bad I have been doing and how running has been my saving grace. She told me how important it is that I keep running, as it is the one thing that gets me out of bed in the morning and that makes taking on the world, while still almost impossible, somewhat bearable.

Of course, right after that appointment I was told that I couldn’t run again for a while.

I completely lost it.

Yup, embarrassing myself, as I frequently do, I started crying in the middle of the medical office. The worst part of not being able to control your emotions is knowing that your reaction to the given situation is inappropriate in respect to the situation. I just feel like a toddler throwing a fit over not getting a toy that they want or something. As a result, I wind up crying even harder because of how pathetic I feel. It is a vicious cycle.

On top of being in a black hole of depression already, not being able to run is a double whammy when it comes to worsening my already less-than-ideal mental state.

On one hand, running is my saving grace. It is my love. It is what I feel passionate about. It is the one thing that makes me feel like maybe I’m worth something. It makes me grateful to be alive in this wonderful, beautiful, and magical world of ours. it makes me thankful to be alive and to have a body, regardless of the size of it, that can carry me for miles and miles.

On the other hand, it is no secret that a lot of my issues stem from a deep loathing of myself, and, more specifically, my body. I was already freaking out over the fact that I feel as though I eat way too much and that I am gaining weight and getting bigger by what feels like the day. Now, I am unable to run or do intensive exercise. All I can do is the elliptical or the bike… Not exactly the top of the list calorie burning machines. I already wanted to get this extra weight off (which is almost impossible for me since I destroyed my metabolism with my eating issues…I really need to get back on track with working on that), but now it feels more impossible than ever. I feel and look puffy and larger. I don’t want to leave the room because I don’t want people to see me. I was already struggling with getting to class, now if feels almost impossible. In fact, I skipped out on two classes this week because I just physically could not get myself out the door. I just crumble… It’s bad.

I think the worst part is knowing on a logical level that a lot of it must be in my head. You don’t swell up 20 pounds over night, but to me it appears as though I do. I have trouble differentiating what is real and what is just a false projection from my disordered mind. It’s like there is this constant war going on inside my mind and I can’t make it stop.

It is exhausting… And quite honestly, I don’t know what to do about it.

Another piece of all of this is that I feel like every time I take one step in the right direction recovery wise, I wind up taking about 10 steps back. At the end of the summer, I was seeing progress, I really was. To others (mainly my mom), I know that it seemed as though therapy was doing nothing and I was in just as bad of a place as I had been for years… But I wasn’t. The thing with recovery is that it is a painfully slow process. Any change, infinitesimal as it may seem, is crucial and important. The recovering person notices them, but everyone around that person sees absolutely nothing.

I explained it, both to my mom and to my therapist, like this – For years now, I have hated my body. I obsess about what I look like, what people are seeing and thinking of my size, and how food is the enemy 100% of the time. At the end of the summer, these thoughts consumed my mind about 98.5% of the time. This 1.5% change of mentality may seem laughable in size… But to me is was huge. 

And now I’m back at 100% of the time for these bad thoughts… And I hate it.

I also feel like I am wasting my mom’s money on therapy and I am wasting my therapist’s time. I feel selfish for even going… I am just at a stand still.

2. SOMETHING MORE POSITIVE!!!!

There is actually one thing that fills me with as much joy as running does.

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(from my Instagram)

It sounds stupid, but if I could be absolutely anything in the world, I would be a musician. Now, I’m not talking like a Taylor-Swift-status-billionaire-superstar status musician… I would just want to be in a band with a moderate fan base that I could love. Music is the most powerful form of expression in my opinion. I have wanted to be a lot of different things career-wise in my lifetime, and none of the career paths that I have aspired to really had anything in common. The only common factor among my passions in life is this overwhelming need to make people feel something. I think this is why writing has always been a reoccurring theme in my goals in life. When you read a good book, watch a powerful movie, or listen to beautiful music, it elicits some sort of emotion within in you. Words have the power to be your best friend, your biggest motivator. Words can make you feel less alone… And that is what I love so much about music.

I listen to music by bands who weave words with melody in ways that make my heart cry out. I listen to music that can bring a real smile to my face whilst also brining me to tears… And listening to live music? There is nothing better.

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Jeremy McKinnon of A Day To Remember absolutely killing it. 

It sounds like a cliche from a bad teenage movie… But music really has saved my life in more ways than one. I have been listening to my favorite band, Silverstein, since 7th grade. 7th grade also happened to be the time where my depression really manifested into something truly nasty. I have continued listening to that band through the years. I know that every time I am having a really hard time, their music has been there for me, and it will continue to be there for me as long as I have hearing.

There is also something truly beautiful, at least to me, about being surrounded by hundreds of people who all have the same deep connection to a certain song or band that you do. We are all pressed together like sardines in a can, we are jumping, we are struggling to keep up with keeping the crowd surfers from falling to the floor. My hair is being pulled and I am being absolutely demolished by the people around me (don’t even ask how many bruises I have on my body right now)… And for some reason, being accidentally punched and kicked, being knocked over while trying to hold up a dude about twice the size of me, and being drenched in sweat that isn’t even my own… It’s beautiful.

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So in conclusion, I have been doing really really awful lately… But I had one really great day on Saturday, so I am choosing to focus on that instead.

This too shall pass.

…Right?

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Uncategorized

Injured Again


Hey guys.

I really am trying to get back into the swing of blogging. Like I said the other day, I miss it. And I am in desperate need of an outlet… Especially now.

Warning: this post is going to be even more depressing and lacking in energy than usual. It will also very likely be mildly melodramatic. Proceed with caution.

Workout – 30 minute interval cycling workout on the stationary bike + 25 minutes of intervals on the elliptical.

So, as the title kind of already says, I am injured. Again.

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My life for a while.

During my run the other day, I was feeling sharp, but not unbearable, pain in my inner ankle/calf region of my right leg. I figured that the muscle was just tight, as my calve muscles typically are, and that the hills of Central Park were just getting to me. I thought I just had to get used to the uneven terrain and hills of Central Park. Nothing to worry about. I was just thrilled that the deep blisters on my heels were finally recovered enough to be able to actually run without having to stop due to pain.

The next day, I did speed work on the treadmill and felt fine. Actually, I felt great. Such a great workout. I was stoked.

So after my workout, I packed up my things and went home for the long weekend. That evening, I noticed that the muscle in my leg was feeling very tight again. Again, I didn’t really think much of it.

I spent that night at my grandparents’ house, and laced up the next morning for a 5 mile run. Well, I made it about 3 miles before I was hobbling and crying from pain. Being my insane self… I forced myself to do at least one more mile… And then I had to stop. I couldn’t take it.

I had a therapy appointment and had to drive out about 45 minutes in severe pain. I made an appointment with my chiropractor for right after my therapy session and rushed there after. Unfortunately, due to the new health care laws, my chiropractor isn’t really able to spend as much time with each patient as she used to. So I was hooked up to the electric stim machine to loosen up the muscle for a while, and then she came in, looked at it, told me to go get an ace bandage, and wrapped my leg up with ice. She also worked on the muscle a little bit and I, one who has a VERY high pain tolerance, was sobbing. I can’t even explain the amount of pain.

Needless to say… She told me not to run. I, being the emotionally unstable person that I am, started, to my complete mortification, crying… Yup. Crying. Right there in front of everyone. I felt like the world was ending.

Like I said, quite the melodramatic post.

Here’s the thing, I had just come from therapy, and that already typically makes me more emotional that I usually am (and I am already a pretty emotional person). I had just had a great session, we spoke about how I have been scaring myself lately with how low I have been. I have been unable to find it in me to even text my best and only friend, let alone attempt to make new friends at my new school. I haven’t been able to find it in me to do my school work. Leaving my dorm to go to class is unbearable. My only salvation? Getting up and running every morning. Joanne (my absolutely amazing therapist) said how important it is for me that I even get up in the morning to run. It is the one thing that allows me to face the world. It is the one thing that makes me truly grateful for the body that I have and that makes me think about how much I truly love this world. It is the one thing that keeps me going and feeling like maybe I may have some sort of purpose in this world. I spend most of my time feeling like a failure. I don’t know what I am doing with my life. I don’t know what I am meant to do. I don’t know what my purpose is. I hate my body. I don’t have friends and I don’t feel as though I can handle having friends right now, yet I am terrified that I will now be alone forever. I feel as though I am wasting my college experience and that I am wasting my life.

But running makes me feel a glimpse of hope. It is the one thing that can actually make me feel ok about myself.

With my being in such a truly terrible place right now… I need my running now more than ever. And I can’t do that.

On top of that, I have no idea when I will be able to run again. It is my favorite season for running right now, and it only lasts a few weeks. Also, like I addressed the other day, I have gained weight and I am not ok with this… And now I really can’t workout except for the bike.

I am just at a complete loss. And I know that I am being stupid and dramatic and trust me, I of all people know that there are much worse things in this world than a temporary injury preventing me from running. It is just that I have really been scaring myself recently and running was my only salvation. I just feel like it is always something going wrong and I just don’t know what to do. Also, my mobility is very limited. I have trouble getting up and down the stairs due to pain, and walking is painful and problematic… I am not good at sitting an doing nothing. Again, I feel as though I am wasting time.

I just don’t know.

Sorry! I’ll try to be more positive tomorrow. I just really needed to vent.

On a more positive note… I put up a new makeup tutorial today! It’s a fall look inspired by the iconic autumn drink, the pumpkin spice latte. Hope you enjoy!

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Mental Health Monday – What Is Over Exercising?


Hey all.

Workout – 4.31 easy recovery miles in Central Park.

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(The reason that the pace is drastically slower in the first mile is due to the fact that there were a million red lights on the run over to the park and I didn’t pause RunKeeper at them… Whoops).

So it’s been quite a long time since the last time I sat down to write a Mental Health Monday post, and today’s topic is one that is very close to my heart.

Overexercising.

Or, more specifically, what exactly is overexercising?

The term is pretty common. You see it everywhere in the forms of magazine articles, health website posts, and even in those little ads that you see on the sides of the webpages that you are browsing.

Are You Over Exercising? 5 Signs Of Overtraining.

How To Tell If You Are Overtraining.

Science Finds That Too Much Exercise Can Lead To Weight Gain.

Wow. If there is so much talk on the issue of over exercising/compulsive exercise/overtraining, then surely there must be a great amount of awareness surrounding the issue, right?

Unfortunately, that does not seem to be the case.

See, the lines of what is too much exercise is a very blurry one. I mean, pro athletes train for hours every day and often train twice a day. They aren’t over exercising. In fact, they are arguably some of the healthiest people out there.

So where does that leave us? If pro-athletes can train every day, then who are we to think that our *need* to exercise for 30 minutes every day with no rest days ever is too much? It can’t be, now can it?

I have a very strong opinion of what exactly over exercising is. Now, keep in mind that this is purely my theory, and has no real scientific backing. However, as someone who has struggled with an eating disorder that manifested itself as an exercise addiction for quite some times, I do like to think that I am fairly knowledgeable about this particular issues.

Now, when I say compulsive exercise, what exactly do I mean?

The NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association) references compulsive over exercising in their definition of the anorexia subtype called, “anorexia athletica.”

Anorexia Athletica (Compulsive Exercising)

Anorexia athletica is a condition where people over-exercise because they believe this will control their bodies and give them a sense of power, control and self-respect. It isn’t a clinically recognized diagnosis in the same way that anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa are, but compulsive exercising can have serious health consequences.

Symptoms of anorexia athletica include:

Exercising more than is good for our health.
Being fanatical about our weight and diet.
Taking time off work, school and relationships to exercise.
Focusing on the challenge exercise poses and forgetting that it can be fun.
Believing that our self-worth depends on our physical performance.
Rarely being satisfied by what we achieve physically.                                                           Saying that this exercise is okay because we are athletes, or insisting that the behavior is healthy.

(Source)

Now, I know that whilst anorexia athletica always includes excessive/compulsive exercise, over exercising does not always mean that one has anorexia athletica. However, I would definitely argue that over exercising often has less to do with the amount that you are exercising and more to do with the mentality that surrounds/backs your compulsive exercise.

So some questions to ask yourself could be:

Do I exercise because I want to? Or do I do it because I feel like I am a failure/will gain a million pounds overnight/will be looked at as lazy etc. if I don’t?

If there is a day where I truly can’t workout, will it completely destroy my day? Will I obsess over this one missed day of exercise for weeks to come?

Do I put working out over spending quality time with family and friends? Do I avoid making plans if it cuts into my workout schedule?

Do I not allow myself to take off if I am sick or injured? 

If you answered yes to these questions, then your mind is definitely not in the right place for exercising.

Also, obviously you can kind of tell that you are over training (even if you are in complete denial of this fact and push the thought to the back of your mind) when you are constantly fatigued, start dreading your workouts, or begin to feel sickly often. These are obvious symptoms and are always the first to be mentioned in those magazine/web articles that I referenced earlier in this post.

One thing that I don’t ever see in these articles is something that I believe to be the number one most crucial factor in determining what exactly it means to be over exercising.

Your caloric intake vs. the amount of exercise that you are doing.

Sure professional athletes can workout for hours a day and not be accused of overexercising, but these athletes are also eating a ton to make sure that their body is properly fueled for this level of training. However, if you are eating a calorie deficient diet and exercising for hours a day, you are literally destroying yourself.

Think about it, we all too often see this (idiotic) idea that women should be consuming 1200 calories a day if they want to lose weight. Firstly, that is complete nonsense. Unless you are obscenely short (and even then, this is often way too low), your body needs more than 1200 calories per day just to perform its necessary functioning for survival. Now, add exercise, even if it is just 30 minutes per day, each and every day, into the equation and you very likely will now have (depending on the workout that you do) a net caloric intake of less than 1000 calories. You are literally preventing your body from properly being able to fulfill it’s job of keeping you alive… And yet you are expecting it to support and give you energy for working out? It doesn’t work like that. Keeping you alive is your body’s priority.

So what is over exercising?

I firmly believe that the term over exercising is completely relative. There is no set amount of time or intensity level or frequency of workouts that can tell you whether or not you are over training. It all depends on your mentality surrounding exercise, and whether or not you are adequately fueling your body to support your level of activity, whatever it may be.

Moral of the story? DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS.

Just because someone can run ten miles a day and be perfectly healthy doesn’t mean that you should ignore that you are feeling the symptoms of over working your body while running 3 miles a day. That other person is not you. They do not eat the same food. They do not eat the same amount. They are not at the same stage of life as you. They do not live in the same environment as you. What they can do should never influence how you feel about what you can do and what you should do. You are your own person and I cannot emphasize enough how important it is that you acknowledge that fact and listen to your body. You know yourself best, and you know when something is not quite right.

Never let the fear of not being enough prevent your own personal growth and healing.

Thank you for reading. I’ll talk to you guys tomorrow =).

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healthy living, life, recovery

The First Real Day


Hey all! 

Workout: Treadmill interval workout from FitSugar.

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I changed the workout up slightly by increasing the speed by .5-1 throughout, running at 6-6.5mph during the walking bits, and running at a .5 incline when it said to run at .00 incline.

Also, I showed you guys that I got new running shoes the other day right?

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I decided to try out Brooks PureFlow 2s, and I have to say that I am absolutely loving them. I have only run in them twice (long run on Sunday and my intervals today), so I can’t exactly give a full review yet. So far they are nice and light, yet they still keep my ankles stable (important for me) and they fit nicely which is rare since I have really bizarrely shaped feet.

However, I have THE most gnarly blisters on the back of my heels. I seriously wanted to cry at certain points during this mornings workout… For the most part I was super happy during my workout though!

 

 

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Incline running is no joke. 

Also, what is it about school gyms and not having the air conditioners on? I thought I was suffocating throughout my workout!

 

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Nothing that a little iced coffee can’t fix though ;).

So today marks my first official day of classes (actually it was Thursday… but I told you a little about that whole fiasco), and my first full day of being “away” at school. I put away in quotes because I’m like…a half an hour train ride from home so I don’t know if it really counts.

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I tried to be a girl. All the lights fell off the wall. Command hooks, you have betrayed me.

So I set out to make today a good one. I got up at 6 (set my alarm for 6:30, but oh well), worked out, had a nutritious breakfast, took a nice shower. All was well and good. I walked the 2 miles to school, which would normally be super nice because New York is the greatest place ever, but between the heat and humidity and the blisters on my feet…I probably should have taken the subway. 

I finally arrived (very sweaty and disheveled I might add… Here’s to making good first impressions) to find a note posted on my classroom door that the class had been changed. I followed what I (correctly) assumed to be others who were in the same class over to the building and room that the class was now apparently supposed to be in, and… Get this.

The teacher never showed up.

We sat there for 40 minutes before giving up. 

So now I am 0 for 2 in this whole “getting to class” thing.

I have to leave in around 15 minutes for my next class (which also happens to be the one that I couldn’t find on Thursday), so here’s hoping the third time is the charm!

I will say though, minus the whole classroom-changing-teacher-never-showing-up debacle… Today has been ok! My roommate hasn’t been here yet, so I have just been on my own,and I kind of like that. Yes, I really want and need to make friends, but at the same time, I am enjoying having time alone with myself. The city is such a wonderful and inspiring place. When I am walking through the streets from my housing to my school, I can’t shake the feeling that this, this city, is where I need to be. Where I am supposed to be. I don’t know.

Also, I have to say that people watching in the city is such an amazing way to find inspiration for characters in the stories that I write. I have always dreamed of being a novelist, and I have a few novels in the works currently. It just seems that I can never bring myself to make the time (which is absurd because I definitely have the time) to sit down and just write. This being alone with myself while still being surrounded by thousands of people in a big city is filling me with inspiration and drive to really get back into writing. I’m thinking of bringing my laptop over to Central Park on Thursday since I don’t have class until 4:10 that day and just writing. 

I don’t know how to describe how I am feeling right now. I still feel down and numb and really anxious and not ok… But I feel something else as well.

I think it’s hope.

And now I am off to go pick up some bandaids for my blisters to make the commute to school a little less painful.

Until tomorrow my friends!

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recovery

Fat Is Not A Feeling


Hey all!

Workout –  I had originally planned on swimming this morning since I haven’t in a long time… But quite honestly, I just wasn’t feeling it.

Instead, I went for Insanity Asylum’s Game Day. Definitely my favorite workout from the Asylum vol. 1 version of Insanity.

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No Shaun T… It most certainly does not.

Breakfast – Breakfast was kind of sort of super exciting today. Actually, it’s always exciting… I just really love smoothie bowls guys.

But what made today’s meal extra special was this little guy.

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Dragon fruit!

You guys may have seen that I went to the asian grocery store near my home yesterday and came home with one (way too expensive) fun new fruit to try! 

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I really wasn’t expecting dragon fruit to be as mild as it is! I thought it would be sweeter, but it actually doesn’t have all that much flavor (or at least mine didn’t). Very nice and refreshing and I loved the crunch of all the little seeds in my smoothie. 

Plus, it’s just a really cool fruit to look at!

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So what I want to address today is something that I have (obviously) been struggling with for quite some time.

Feeling fat.

We have all, at one point or another, thought or uttered something along the lines of, “I feel fat today.” I mean, I know that I personally am guilty of saying that exact sentence (often accompanied by an “ugh”) at least once a day, often more.

But here’s the funny thing, fat is not a feeling.

Look at any list of the spectrum of emotions and I will guarantee you that never once will you find the word fat there. Happy? Yes. Angry? Yes. Disgruntled? Indeed. Fat? Nope.

You know what fat actually is? A macronutrient. 

Yes, fat can also be used as an adjective in describing a creature with an excessive amount of, well, fat. Fat is a substance. Fat is not a state of being.

Recently, I have been finding that I have been having “fat days” more often than not. And what is a “fat day” you ask? Well dear reader, a “fat day” is defined (by me) as one of those days where you wake up and the first thing that comes to mind upon getting up and moving your body is, “Ugh, I feel/am so fat today.”

Now here’s the thing, while some of those “fat days” that people have sometimes have a reasoning, whether it be a PMS symptom, a result of eating too much salt the night before, etc.. More often than not, the person having the “fat day” will, in fact, look and weight the same as he/she did the day before. They just can’t see it.

It’s all about perspective. 

The funny thing about feeling fat is how completely normal it seems in todays society, when, in fact, it is one of the most nonsensical idea/statement there is. How can you “feel” something that is not an emotion. I don’t wake up and say, “I feel protein today.” It’s basically the same thing.

I found this little cartoon online that I believe sums up the topic of fat as a feeling absolutely perfectly.

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Unknown

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So there you have it. Next time you find yourself “feeling fat,” I need you to promise me that you will remind yourself that you can’t feel fat. It’s not a state of being. 

Also, you are not fat. You are a person, a wonderful shining human being with hopes and dreams and ambitions and what is, I bet, a kick-butt personality to boot.

You are not fat, you have fat. You also have bones and organs and muscles. You are not any of those things either. 

I just need you to know that you are you and that in itself is something to cherish and be proud of. 

I hope you all have a wonderful night and I will talk to you tomorrow Good night =)

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Friday Favorites, life

Five Things Friday 8.29.2014 – Focus On The Good


Hey everyone! Happy Friday!

I’m home for the long weekend (yes, I did only stay for one night… don’t judge), and I couldn’t be happier about that. It’s so weird, I really love New York City. When I am walking the streets, whether it be to my dorm, to class, or just wandering, I feel like I am where I am supposed to be. It is the idea of having a roommate to possibly judge me and to not have total control over my living situation that is making the idea of living there so panic-provoking. I honestly feel so pathetic just admitting the fact that all of my anxieties regarding school stem from my having to live with another person. That’s not normal at all right? And it’t not that my issue is sharing a space with someone, it’s just that I really like being alone and I guess it boils down to the fact that I have social anxiety and that this past year is has become uncontrollable and severe.

ANYWAYS, how about rather than rant about all of my issues that I truly don’t even have the right to complain, about, I talk about 5 things that made me happy today instead?

1. My Workout – I got to head over to Central Park for a 5 mile run and it was fabulous.

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Running in Central Park never fails to fill me with an all-encompasing sense of gratitude. I don’t know if it is due to the fact that it truly is an oasis within the concrete jungle of New York City or what… But it just makes me so thankful to be alive.

IMG_6952Also, I am definitely going to be working my legs a lot harder with Central Park being my running location whilst at school. My entire run was uphill (I’m not even exaggerating), and those hills were no joke! Coming from flat-as-can-be Long Island, I am definitely not used to hills! (If there is anyone who lives in the mountains, you are probably laughing at me… And rightfully so. I’m kind of a wimp with hills.)IMG_6945

2. I found a vegan takeout restaurant on my way back from Central Park and I am so excited because some of this items on the menu are actually affordable!

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Yay for 5 dollar vegan soups! Still definitely not something that I can afford to have all the time… But these types of things really excite me. I also may have to splurge every once in a blue moon and get a salad because they sound really good.

Post-run, I was sweaty and thirsty and those juices were so tempting…. But I can’t exactly dish out almost ten dollars on a beverage… *dramatic sigh*

3. New read!

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I got to the train station way earlier than I needed to, so there was time to bop around in the station. I wound up in the bookstore (I also almost missed my train because I lost track of time while in there… Books do that to me), and I wound up purchasing this little gem. I have been wanting to read Murakami’s books for forever, but I always forget about them when I am actually in the bookstore.

I read it on the train ride back and I am really loving it so far. I don’t actually quite know where the story is going yet, but I just really enjoy Murakami’s style of writing. He basically just writes in the unfiltered and sometimes nonsensical way that a person really thinks. I’m excited to keep reading!

4. I don’t know if it was because Murakami had Japan on my mind or what… But I spent most of my afternoon looking into possible study abroad opportunities in Japan. There is actually a winter session program that occurs in Tokyo and centers around creative writing… A dream come true for me.

Now, you guys don’t know this about me, but I am, and have always been, absolutely obsessed with Asian culture, namely Japanese culture. I love everything from the history of feudal Japan, the tradition, the food, the fashion, the music… I could actually start to tear up from just thinking about some day traveling to Japan. It is one of my biggest dreams.

I know that the studying abroad most likely will never happen. It’s a ridiculous amount of money and that is money that I don’t have… But hey, maybe if I work my butt off and stop spending money (it’s bad), I’ll be able to save up by my senior year. Here’s hoping.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say was that with Asia on my mind, I ventured out to my local asian grocer for the first time and it was glorious.

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Matcha, ginseng tea, barley tea, brown rice for school, koala cookies (too good), herbal facial sheet mask, and, last but not least, a dragon fruit! I’m so excited to try it tomorrow!

5. Being home. I know that I was only gone for a night, but once the long weekend is over and class really begins to be in session, I know that I will not be home a lot. I just want to enjoy my home and my family as much as I can.

Good night!

Question(s):

1. Tell me something that made you happy today.

2. Ever study abroad? Where? If you could study abroad, where would you go?

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A New Beginning


Hey!

WorkoutInsanity Cardio Power and Resistance. My arms will indeed be feeling it tomorrow.

At this point, I am just blogging from my phone because my computer is about so slow that I might as well be using dial-up for internet.

Also, I know that I have been super inconsistent with blogging lately, and it’s really bothering me. Thing is, amidst losing Grace, getting ready to to leave for school, and personal issues that I have been dealing with, this blog has kind of taken a back seat. However, I believe that as of today, that will change. I think things may finally be starting to calm down. Here’s hoping.

Anyways…

So, today was the day.

Move in day at my new college.

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Hi Times Square. I love you.

This morning, I was forced to finally accept the reality that is going away to college (when I am dreading something, I have this bad habit of convincing myself that it’s not really happening). It’s not school itself that I was dreading, it was (and is) the unknown. It is not having complete control over my surroundings or my situation.

I know that in saying this, I probably come off as the biggest brat on the planet, but not having control over roommate situations (when she will be in the room, how loud she will be, how many people she will have in the room, what time she will intend to stay up until), sharing the building with people who blast music at all hours of the day (I don’t know if this will be a reality at this school yet, but it definitely was an issue at my old school), and having to deviate from my normal routines (both food, exercise, and just general living) absolutely freaks me out. Seriously, just writing it out is making my heart race.

The problem is also that I really don’t mind living with other people. I’m not complaining about having to share a small room with someone. I’m just freaking out because I don’t have control over my environment, and that is a major anxiety trigger for me.

Also, it definitely doesn’t help that I have no ability whatsoever to assert myself. I would much prefer the people I am surrounded by, or living with, to be happy and to get there way than to argue someone and make them not like me. Again, this is something that I need to work on.

Ok, so now to digress from that little tangent I went off on… This morning, my mom and I packed up the car and drove into the city to go see where I will be living for the next year.

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It was also my mom’s first time driving in Manhattan (we always just take the train into the cities and then either take subways or walk to our destination), so everyone give you a round of applause for conquering such a feat as New York City driving.

Upon arriving at the building that I guess I will be calling home for a while, it was an absolute madhouse. It took my about 20 minutes just to figure out how to get myself all checked in and to get my room key made (worst. id photo. ever.). Then it was another long weight to get my hands on a bin for us to use to get my stuff up the the room.

But somehow, we eventually made it.

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I’m planning on decorating and making my space cute and individualized. Last year, I really never “moved into” my dorm. It was used simply as a place to study, store things, and change my clothes. I barely even slept in my room because my roommates would harass me if I tried to. This year, I really want to focus on making the most out of this little space and filling it with things that will fill me with happy thoughts and good vibes. Basically, I’m just going to hang up a ton of fairy lights and concert posters.

 

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There’s a massive window in the room. You have no clue how happy this makes me.

 

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My roommate actually never showed up, so I have no idea what is going to happen.

Furthermore, my classes don’t actually start until Thursday (though I do have housing orientation in my building on Monday). Then, I only have one class on Thursday, no class on Friday, and off next Monday due to Labor Day. After much thinking, I decided to spend a bulk of this week at home, and will most likely spend next weekend at home as well. The main reason that I wasn’t completely certain if I should spend another week at home was because I didn’t want my roommate to think that I was weird for not staying in the room this week.

Well, it looks like I don’t even have a roommate yet, and I think that it will alleviate some anxiety if I make the transition over to living in my dorm as opposed to here at home as slow and painless as possible. I don’t know, maybe it sounds immature… But I just feel like I’m in a very fragile state right now. I need to take care of myself instead of constantly worrying if other people will think that I am weird.

I also think that a lot of my anxiety over school is due to how incredibly awful and traumatic my experience last year was. I’m not sure if I have ever mentioned this on the blog.. But last year was a really rough one for me. Apart from struggling immensely with both my mental and physical health, my roommates made sure to make my life a living hell. They would spread lies about me, talk about me and make fun of me when they knew I could hear them, come into the room late at night screaming and shaking my bed to wake me up, and many other things. I am just so scared that something like that is going to happen again.

But really, I just need to take a step back and remind myself how lucky I am to be able to be going to school and studying something I love in the city that I love more than anything. I have always dreamed of living in New York City for a period of time, and I am actually going to be able to live that dream this year. I need to make the best of the situation at hand, whether it wind up being awful or amazing. I need to do this to prove to myself that I am not a failure.

I need this to be my year. And I hope that it will be.

 

Question(s):

Anyone who has been or is currently in college – Did you have a roommate? Any horror stories? Any great stories? What was your favorite college memory! Tell me! I want to know!

What songs have you been listening to lately?

I currently have Sanctuary by Utada stuck in my head, and I am certainly not complaining. Quality song right there.

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