thinking out loud 7.24.2014

Hey everyone. It’s Thursday, and you know what that means…

Thanks again to our wonderful host =)!

So let’s do this.

1. I mentioned yesterday that I have been in quite the slump this week. One of the things that is really bothering me is I have been looking and feeling very puffy and gross lately. Obviously, everyone has bad body-image days. Thing is, most days are bad body image days for me (body image has been one of the hardest things for me recovery-wise over these past few years), and when my already less-than-superb self-image is already worse than usual… I tend to shut town completely.

Problem is, I don’t know what is causing all of this fluid retention, but I swear my face and body are swollen. Either that or I’m gaining weight again… So I’m kinda-sorta freaking out.

2. I’m frustrated because I was finally starting to feel as though my body was healing. When I went away to school, I was eating more regular meals and I was starting to get hunger cues (I had not had them in years). I felt as though my metabolism was finally starting to work again, and I was excited.

A bit of backstory – After being released from the hospital for my eating disorder in 2011, I quickly started restricting again… But my weight stabilized. All of a sudden, in January of 2012, something completely snapped in my body and, without changing my diet and exercise at all, my weight shot up almost 20 pounds in less than 3 weeks.

Needless to say, I was more than a little freaked out.

Problem was, no doctor could pin-point exactly what was wrong with me. My cortisol levels were off, but not enough-so to treat. My thyroid levels were low, but not enough so to treat. I was seeing multiple doctors a week and still, there was no “cure” in sight.

The worst part, besides being heavier than I had ever been in my life while still eating barely enough to survive, was that people kept commenting on how “healthy” I was.

And I wasn’t. I was worse than ever.

I lost a little bit of weight in college without really trying, and I was thrilled. I felt as though my body was finally doing what it was supposed to again.

And now it’s not.

I’m weak, my digestive issues are back, my hunger cues are gone. I don’t know what is happening. And I can’t mentally handle going through all that again.

3. That being said, I’m bucking up and forcing myself to make a normal person dinner and eat the whole darn thing.

update: so dinner wound up as an absolute fail… so I wound up with a trusty snack plate + some turkey breast before work.

4. It is not after midnight, so it is no longer thinking out loud Thursday… but we’re going to pretend like it is still Thursday.

5. On a more positive note…. I ran 7 miles today!

 

 

This just so happens to be the furthest that I have run in over a month! 7 miles in overcast weather (the best) at an average pace of 8:34 minutes per mile whilst listening to K-Pop (I’m currently obsessed) = happy Erin.

My computer is acting up all a sudden and keeps freezing so I’m going to have to end this post here. Talk to you tomorrow! I promise to be less negative and depressing then! =)