Injured Again

Hey guys.

I really am trying to get back into the swing of blogging. Like I said the other day, I miss it. And I am in desperate need of an outlet… Especially now.

Warning: this post is going to be even more depressing and lacking in energy than usual. It will also very likely be mildly melodramatic. Proceed with caution.

Workout – 30 minute interval cycling workout on the stationary bike + 25 minutes of intervals on the elliptical.

So, as the title kind of already says, I am injured. Again.

My life for a while.

During my run the other day, I was feeling sharp, but not unbearable, pain in my inner ankle/calf region of my right leg. I figured that the muscle was just tight, as my calve muscles typically are, and that the hills of Central Park were just getting to me. I thought I just had to get used to the uneven terrain and hills of Central Park. Nothing to worry about. I was just thrilled that the deep blisters on my heels were finally recovered enough to be able to actually run without having to stop due to pain.

The next day, I did speed work on the treadmill and felt fine. Actually, I felt great. Such a great workout. I was stoked.

So after my workout, I packed up my things and went home for the long weekend. That evening, I noticed that the muscle in my leg was feeling very tight again. Again, I didn’t really think much of it.

I spent that night at my grandparents’ house, and laced up the next morning for a 5 mile run. Well, I made it about 3 miles before I was hobbling and crying from pain. Being my insane self… I forced myself to do at least one more mile… And then I had to stop. I couldn’t take it.

I had a therapy appointment and had to drive out about 45 minutes in severe pain. I made an appointment with my chiropractor for right after my therapy session and rushed there after. Unfortunately, due to the new health care laws, my chiropractor isn’t really able to spend as much time with each patient as she used to. So I was hooked up to the electric stim machine to loosen up the muscle for a while, and then she came in, looked at it, told me to go get an ace bandage, and wrapped my leg up with ice. She also worked on the muscle a little bit and I, one who has a VERY high pain tolerance, was sobbing. I can’t even explain the amount of pain.

Needless to say… She told me not to run. I, being the emotionally unstable person that I am, started, to my complete mortification, crying… Yup. Crying. Right there in front of everyone. I felt like the world was ending.

Like I said, quite the melodramatic post.

Here’s the thing, I had just come from therapy, and that already typically makes me more emotional that I usually am (and I am already a pretty emotional person). I had just had a great session, we spoke about how I have been scaring myself lately with how low I have been. I have been unable to find it in me to even text my best and only friend, let alone attempt to make new friends at my new school. I haven’t been able to find it in me to do my school work. Leaving my dorm to go to class is unbearable. My only salvation? Getting up and running every morning. Joanne (my absolutely amazing therapist) said how important it is for me that I even get up in the morning to run. It is the one thing that allows me to face the world. It is the one thing that makes me truly grateful for the body that I have and that makes me think about how much I truly love this world. It is the one thing that keeps me going and feeling like maybe I may have some sort of purpose in this world. I spend most of my time feeling like a failure. I don’t know what I am doing with my life. I don’t know what I am meant to do. I don’t know what my purpose is. I hate my body. I don’t have friends and I don’t feel as though I can handle having friends right now, yet I am terrified that I will now be alone forever. I feel as though I am wasting my college experience and that I am wasting my life.

But running makes me feel a glimpse of hope. It is the one thing that can actually make me feel ok about myself.

With my being in such a truly terrible place right now… I need my running now more than ever. And I can’t do that.

On top of that, I have no idea when I will be able to run again. It is my favorite season for running right now, and it only lasts a few weeks. Also, like I addressed the other day, I have gained weight and I am not ok with this… And now I really can’t workout except for the bike.

I am just at a complete loss. And I know that I am being stupid and dramatic and trust me, I of all people know that there are much worse things in this world than a temporary injury preventing me from running. It is just that I have really been scaring myself recently and running was my only salvation. I just feel like it is always something going wrong and I just don’t know what to do. Also, my mobility is very limited. I have trouble getting up and down the stairs due to pain, and walking is painful and problematic… I am not good at sitting an doing nothing. Again, I feel as though I am wasting time.

I just don’t know.

Sorry! I’ll try to be more positive tomorrow. I just really needed to vent.

On a more positive note… I put up a new makeup tutorial today! It’s a fall look inspired by the iconic autumn drink, the pumpkin spice latte. Hope you enjoy!

Mental Health Mondays – Types of Outlets and Finding Yours

Happy Monday to you all!

(Source)

Workout: 

Today was supposed to be a swim day… But after the long and late night that I had last night (there was a baptism at the restaurant I work in last night and let’s just say that it was the craziest and busiest night I have ever had), I decided that it would be best to silence my 6am alarm in favor of another hour or so of sleep.

So Insanity it was!

My legs and arms are absolutely dead. The great thing about Insanity is that it is all plyometrics, which happens to be my favorite form of cross training! This workout in particular really works the arms, shoulders, and legs (hence the power and resistance in the name =P)… So I am counting it towards my goal to incorporate more strength training in my weekly workouts!

Speaking of those goals…

You all know that I love my smoothie bowls, and the last couple of days I have incorporated greek yogurt into them to get some quality protein into my system!

I have to say, by adding the greek yogurt I have really been feeling fuller for longer. Plus it makes the consistency of the smoothie bowl a lot creamier! What I have been doing is sticking the greek yogurt into the freezer before my workout in the morning so that by the time I am ready to make my breakfast, it is slightly frosty but not frozen solid.

I also threw some blueberries into this bowl! Look at me changing things up! 😉

So it’s been a couple of weeks since my last Mental Health Monday post. Like I said in my first HMH post, it’s not meant to be a weekly series. I don’t want to put up posts on a topic that is so important to me just for the sake of getting one up each week. I both want and need to be able to put my heart and soul into these posts and I want them to be helpful.

That being said, today I want to talk about different types of positive outlets and how to find the one that is best for you!

So what is a positive outlet?

A positive outlet is, by my definition, an activity that is used as a way of coping with bad thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The point of having and utilizing these activities is to find healthy and productive ways of dealing with what would usually be a destructive and sometimes dangerous thought patterns.

An outlet can be anything from art to meditation to physical activity.

So where should I start?

I have found, from experience with multiple therapists and doctors, that when one is told to find an outlet… He or she is normally told what to do instead of being given different options.

“Listen to this motivational CD each night while you fall asleep.”

“Meditate.”

“Write it down.”

And trust me, I have tried it all.

And guess what?

None of it worked.

And why?

Because none of those things are enjoyable to me.

So now what?

You find what’s best for you.

Trust me on this, if you hate mediation, then you are doing yourself absolutely no favors by forcing yourself to mediate simply because it’s “the way” to cope with bad thoughts.

Honestly, by forcing yourself to partake in certain conventional coping mechanisms that you hate you will, more likely than not, just create more anxiety within yourself.

And how is that productive?

It’s not.

Now, obviously I don’t know what positive outlet is best for you, nor do I know every single type of outlet on the planet. In fact, no one does. The possibilities are endless! For a positive outlet to be successful in helping you cope, it needs to be individualized for you and your interests and needs!

That being said, I want to share some of my favorite outlets with you to give you somewhere to start. I also want to give examples of different outlets that may cater to different types of people.

So here we go.

For The Creative Type:

1. Write out your feelings… Buy yourself a nice notebooks (I find that having a cute notebook makes me happy and more likely to actually write things down) and write down your thoughts and feelings. This is the most basic form of an outlet. You get to get your feelings out without actually having to tell your deep dark secrets and less-than-cheerful thoughts to an actual person.

2. Write a blog. Now, it’s not normally ideal to spill all of your dark thoughts out on the internet. I mean, that’s as public as it gets. That being said, I know from personal experience that venting on a blog makes me feel  better than just writing in a notebook would because I feel like people  are actually listening even if they’re not. 

A good option as far as what I’ve decided to call diary-blogging goes is to create a blog (Tumblr is great for casual venting) and keep it anonymous. Just write your thoughts and feelings, but leave out any personal feelings. This way, there’s no worrying about someone you know seeing all of your deep dark thoughts.

3. Self help books. Find ones that interest you. My mom loves Wayne Dyer, I can’t get through a page of his books. I like more casually written, almost conversational types of self help books while others may prefer a more scholarly type. It’s all about finding what would be best for you.

4. Self help workbooks. I love these. Basically, they are activity books that cater to your specific needs whether your struggles are with eating disorders, anxiety, depression, OCD, etc. I own this one and I absolutely love it because it focuses on healing through creativity. I have always been an artistic person, and I feel as though my struggles with my mental health have created a road block in my motivation to be creative. So this is a perfect way to get back into things while also bettering my mind! I truly do find it helpful and it’s fun for me so it’s a great outlet!

For The Mental-Emotional Type:

While I know that the creative type and the mental-emotional type are normally lumped together as being one-in-the-same… But this is not always the case. 

1. Meditation. I know what you’re thinking, “How much more basic can you get?” But it’s important to remember that there is not just one way to meditate. You don’t need to just sit in a quiet room and reflect. Meditation comes in all different shapes and sizes and the only way that it will be helpful is if you find the type that you actually enjoy doing.

So some types…

– Guided meditation – there are all types of guided mediation. Some include visualization, while some focus mainly on times breathing. There is a huge selection of different types of guided mediation sessions on Youtube. There are also CDs that you can buy, but I would recommend the free alternatives until you find the type that is best for you.

– Personal meditation. This is just you, a quiet space, and your thoughts. This is where you attempt to calm your own mind, set intentions for the day, and focus your thoughts on positive ideas.

– Prayer. Basically the spiritual side of personal mediation. I know that prayer has gotten certain members of my family through some really really horrible times. It’s a great option if you are religious.

For The Physical Type:

Personally, exercise has always been my main outlet. I would seriously lose my mind without it. The goal when you using exercise as an outlet is to focus on light to moderate exercise in lieu of more intensive anaerobic or HIIT style workouts. It is no secret that it has been scientifically proven that exercise helps alleviate stress. However, this only applies when the exercise is light to moderate. While you may feel good after high intensity exercise, it actually acts as a stressor… So be wary! I’m not saying to never do high intensity exercise, but if you are trying to exercise away anxiety, it may not be your best option.

Some ideas/examples:

1. Running at an easy to moderate pace for a set period of time.

2. Swimming laps at an easy to moderate pace.

3. Horseback riding… This may sounds a bit odd, but I swear, the combination of the physical activity, your mind being challenged to maintain proper form on the horse (IMPORTANT!), and being around animals (though, if you’re not an animal fan I would assume that this wouldn’t be the best idea) makes equestrian one of the most peaceful and calming activities that I have ever participated in.

4. Dancing it out! … This is good for the body and the soul. How can you not smile while dancing around like a fool to your favorite music? Want to step it up a notch? Grab a wooden spoon or a hairbrush and pretend it’s a microphone while you are dancing and singing. I dare you to not smile while doing this =).

 

In Conclusion…

Obviously, I haven’t even covered a quarter of the possibilities for positive outlets… These are just a few tried and true methods to hopefully get yourself up and on the path to a healthier mind and a happier you.

Just remember that it is crucial that you find what is best for you. Hate running? Don’t do it! Do you have a passion for puppetry? Heck, go for it girl/dude!

This is your journey to happiness, and only you know what is best for you!

I hope you found this helpful, and I will talk to you all tomorrow =).

 

Question(s):

Do you have a positive outlet for when times get tough? What is it?

 

The Great Veganism Debate

Just a heads up that this post may be quite controversial and I really hope that it doesn’t anger any of you that may be reading it.

So I have been mulling over whether or not to write a post about this for quite some time now… It’s something that has been on my mind non-stop lately and I just really need to get my thoughts out before I explode.

Also, I would just really love to get other people’s perspective on this topic.

Should I be a vegan?

Upon reading that question, I am sure that some people would scream, “Absolutely! Meat eating is evil!” and some would scream, “Absolutely not! We humans are meant to be omnivores!”die

And then there would obviously be some that would be completely indifferent… Because why would my choice of diet have an affect on anybody but me?

And shouldn’t it just be a simple choice?

If I am feeling as though I should be a vegan. If I am feeling this… guilt… gnawing away at me, then shouldn’t I just make the switch?

But it’s not that simple. It’s not that black and white.

And also, I’m less sure that the guilt that I am feeling is due to my diet, or the way that people make me feel about my diet.

It’s weird. We live in a time where it seems as though people are not only obsessed with their own diets, but with everyone else’s diets as well.

I guess we could say that the time in which we live in has something to do with this over involvement in the lives of others. Instagram. Facebook. Tumblr. You can’t even scroll through your feed for a minute before coming across a photo of someone’s artfully plated meal.

And don’t even get me started on the food blogging craze.

And I love all these things. I’m not saying anything bad about posting your meals or blogging your food. I mean, I do the same. And I am guilty of looking at all of these posts and photos about other people’s food choices and very much enjoying it.

But at the same time, you can’t also can’t scroll through these social media platforms without seeing someone attacking someone else’s diet choices.

You call yourself an animal lover?

That’s unhealthy.

Your food choices make you a bad person.

I’m disappointed in you.

When did a person’s food choices become a reflection of who they are as a person?

So, admittedly, I believe that a large part of my inner turmoil can be attributed to the fact that I have been watching a lot of vegan Youtubers, reading a lot of vegan blogs, and am currently reading a (fabulous) book on the plant based lifestyle… And I feel both guilty and pressured.

Then, also, I see things like this post and beat myself up.

Can I really say that I love animals while not being vegan?

Can I really claim to be passionate about the earth while not being a vegan?

Can I really try to live a natural life while not being vegan?

 

I feel a connection to the earth. I want to be a part of it. I want to live simply with the world. I want to embrace the earth and all of the beauty that it has to offer.

But I’m not a vegan.

So what am I?

A fake?

A poser?

A hypocrite?

 

So who am I?

Is it possible to live the life that I want to without being a vegan?

 

I don’t wear fur or leather… And I am trying to be more aware of my makeup purchases and am trying to only buy cruelty free products. I try to be good to the environment as well.

Heck, I don’t even kill bugs. I make sure to take them outside to let them go.

But is that all null and void if I’m not a vegan?

Ugh.

My diet actually is predominantly plant based. I maybe consume meat once or twice a week and I don’t eat dairy very often either. But I’m not a vegan.

And I don’t feel as though I can be… Or that I should be.

There are a handful of reasons.

1. Frozen Yogurt.

This sounds so dumb… But there are very few foods that I genuinely enjoy and even fewer so that are considered “treats” that I feel comfortable allowing myself to have.

2. Seafood.

Again, very few foods that I truly enjoy and seafood is one of them.

3. My History.

This is probably the largest reason that I have reservations against becoming a vegan. I have spent a bulk of my life obsessing over what to put into my body, and even more time obsessing over what not to put into it.

My entire life has been a series of restricting things and I am currently trying my hardest to break that mindset of xx food is bad and not allowed.

I don’t know… I don’t know.

Am I a bad person?

If you read this long vent-session-like post… I seriously appreciate it more than I can even put into words.

Question(s):

What’s your opinion?

 

thinking out loud 7.24.2014

Hey everyone. It’s Thursday, and you know what that means…

Thanks again to our wonderful host =)!

So let’s do this.

1. I mentioned yesterday that I have been in quite the slump this week. One of the things that is really bothering me is I have been looking and feeling very puffy and gross lately. Obviously, everyone has bad body-image days. Thing is, most days are bad body image days for me (body image has been one of the hardest things for me recovery-wise over these past few years), and when my already less-than-superb self-image is already worse than usual… I tend to shut town completely.

Problem is, I don’t know what is causing all of this fluid retention, but I swear my face and body are swollen. Either that or I’m gaining weight again… So I’m kinda-sorta freaking out.

2. I’m frustrated because I was finally starting to feel as though my body was healing. When I went away to school, I was eating more regular meals and I was starting to get hunger cues (I had not had them in years). I felt as though my metabolism was finally starting to work again, and I was excited.

A bit of backstory – After being released from the hospital for my eating disorder in 2011, I quickly started restricting again… But my weight stabilized. All of a sudden, in January of 2012, something completely snapped in my body and, without changing my diet and exercise at all, my weight shot up almost 20 pounds in less than 3 weeks.

Needless to say, I was more than a little freaked out.

Problem was, no doctor could pin-point exactly what was wrong with me. My cortisol levels were off, but not enough-so to treat. My thyroid levels were low, but not enough so to treat. I was seeing multiple doctors a week and still, there was no “cure” in sight.

The worst part, besides being heavier than I had ever been in my life while still eating barely enough to survive, was that people kept commenting on how “healthy” I was.

And I wasn’t. I was worse than ever.

I lost a little bit of weight in college without really trying, and I was thrilled. I felt as though my body was finally doing what it was supposed to again.

And now it’s not.

I’m weak, my digestive issues are back, my hunger cues are gone. I don’t know what is happening. And I can’t mentally handle going through all that again.

3. That being said, I’m bucking up and forcing myself to make a normal person dinner and eat the whole darn thing.

update: so dinner wound up as an absolute fail… so I wound up with a trusty snack plate + some turkey breast before work.

4. It is not after midnight, so it is no longer thinking out loud Thursday… but we’re going to pretend like it is still Thursday.

5. On a more positive note…. I ran 7 miles today!

 

 

This just so happens to be the furthest that I have run in over a month! 7 miles in overcast weather (the best) at an average pace of 8:34 minutes per mile whilst listening to K-Pop (I’m currently obsessed) = happy Erin.

My computer is acting up all a sudden and keeps freezing so I’m going to have to end this post here. Talk to you tomorrow! I promise to be less negative and depressing then! =)

Thinking Out Loud – 7.10.2014 Upsides and Downsides

It’s that time of the week again to spew all those random thoughts of mine.

Wait… Don’t I do that every day?

Thanks again Amanda for creating this link up!

1.  6 miles this morning to start my day and I loved every minute of it… Except for the fact that I had some knee pain. I’m hoping to go for acupuncture on Tuesday. It’s tough to get an appointment because my acupuncturist only has hours on Tuesday and Saturday mornings and I can never seem to get in!

2. On the up side, my pace was more around where it was pre-injury for an easy run.

3. I’m just going to whine for a moment and say how badly I wanted to run more than just 6 miles today and that I’m extremely bummed that 6 miles is what my so-called, “long run,” will be for the week.

4. On the upside, I’m proud of myself for actually listening to my body and not feeling (too) guilty about not running as much as I would like to. I know that taking it slow with getting back into running will be best for me in the long run!

5. We started regression work in therapy today and I really don’t know how I feel about it. Basically, I was put into a state of deep relaxation (state of hypnosis) and was guided in  “rolling back” through my life, trying to access memories from my childhood and then, later, my past lives. It was a really bizarre experience…

At first I felt like I was sitting in the back of a cart or pick-up truck of some kind and I saw a gravel road and fields and I felt like I was moving. I actually felt like I was having motion sickness.

When trying to roll back to a different memory from this “past life” (I don’t know if I actually believe in past lives), I felt like I was bound. I couldn’t move my arms or legs and I felt like I was being pressed down. I freaked out and jolted myself out of the scene… or memory? I’m not quite sure what to call it.

I have also felt extremely sick and off-kilter since then. I was actually nervous about driving home from the appointment because I felt so weird.

5. Upside(s) –

My shirt made me way happier than it should have.

Doesn’t it look like something that I could have stolen from my little brother’s closet?

It’s from SheInside and I love it.

This.

I picked this up from the health food store that is by my therapist’s office and I can’t even handle how delicious it was! I will be purchases this again next time I’m craving something that’s not water!

6. I had work tonight and it was absolutely brutal. With already feeling so sick from earlier, I seriously felt like I was going to pass out the whole night and the restaurant was so busy.

7. Upside – I’m home now and I don’t have to do it again until Sunday.

Finally, here’s something that I found in one of the books in Joanne’s (my therapist) office today.

This was on the first page that I opened up to and I want to think that I opened up to that page for a reason.

Illness sucks, whether it be mental or physical… But you really do always get something out of it. Between my eating disorder and my losing my dad, along with other family members, to cancer… I have learned a lot. I have grown and have learned to look at the world differently. It seems twisted to say that anything good has come out of tragedy… But everything happens for  reason right?

Question(s):

What’s on your mind?

Do you agree with the quote on illness? Or do you see no benefit whatsoever?

Stuck

Long time, no talk! 

Today’s post is going to be a lot of words, very few pictures, and fairly solemn. I’m sorry if it’s annoying to you. I promise to post a pretty beach picture from my run on Sunday at the end to make it more aesthetically pleasing =P.

I’ve been busy lately in the most unproductive way possible. Stress has completely consumed me at this point, my head is constantly spinning and I have no idea how to make it stop. I leave for college on August 19, the is SO soon, TOO soon. I am not ready in any way, shape, or form. I don’t feel ready to move away from home, I don’t feel ready to grow up.

For the last year and a half I have had myself and everybody else convinced that exercise science is my passion and that the college that I’m going to is my dream school. Over the last couple of months, I have found myself thinking more and more that I have been lying to myself by confusing safety and interest with passion. What I mean is, I like exercising and fitness, it’s a big part of my life and I would never give it up for anything in the world. That being said, it is also a horrible part of my life in some ways. Having an eating disorder gives me a fairly bad relationship with fitness, no matter how much I work out, it’s never enough. I always have that voice in my head telling me that I haven’t run far enough or fast enough, that i need to push and push and push. I push my body past its breaking point. I love fitness but the disordered part of me looks at it as punishment. Who am I to try to major in and eventually get a job in something that would require me to tell other people how to be healthy when I can’t even take care of myself? I like it, I do. But is it my passion? I’m unsure.

I’ve always been an artsy person. I used to spend hours drawing, I always dreamed of being an author, and music has been the thing that I have loved most in the world since I first discovered Evanescence at age 8. In middle school, I was bullied every day for the way that I drew, the books I read, and the music I listened to. These two boys would stand at the top of the staircase and drop textbooks down at me and my friends and chant “Emo, emo, emo,” having it echo all throughout the stairway. I got teased and mocked for being the person that I was, so going into high school, I made the decision to hide it.

The thing about wearing a mask, putting on a front to make the world believe that you’re someone you’re not (I pretended to be happy and girly really) is that eventually, you lose the person you used to be. I still listened to my music, but I didn’t sing or write lyrics anymore, I still read, but not as much, and I stopped drawing completely. 

Now, all of a sudden, I’m starting to find myself again, underneath the depression, the anxiety, and the eating disorder. I’m still there. I stopped forcing myself to like rap music just to be able to have something to sing along to in the car with my “friends.” I started drawing again, started writing again. I’m trying to learn guitar and I’ve been doing vocal covers of songs again. When I go to concerts, I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be. I feel sick for days after concerts, I feel like I should be there, doing something, not going away to college to get a safe job and live in a little house and work a 9-5 job and have a family. That has never felt right. Music is what I’m passionate about. I want to do music.

I know, “who am I to think that it’s possible for me?” Who am I to think that I could be one of those select few people? What’s so special about me? Nothing. What would make me of all people be able to succeed? Nothing…. I know that. It’s near impossible. But I have to try. I can’t be one of those people who wind up 50, working in a job they don’t love, and bitter because they never even tried to follow their dreams. 

I’ve been a mess the last couple of days, stressed, crying myself to sleep at night. I feel so lost, I’m so scared for what the future would bring. Every single day that I don’t take a step towards following my dreams is a day wasted. I get older every single day and time will continue to run out. I’m immobilized by fear for the future. I feel like, for my entire like I have put things aside because of the voice in my head telling me that I’m not good enough or that it’s too late. Didn’t pick up my guitar when I got it two years ago because I was too old to learn how to play, didn’t get vocal lessons or art classes because I didn’t think I was good enough. I should have spent my life taking Bocces classes in music production and learning and singing and doing the thing I loved instead of living in fear. I’m scared that I’ve already ruined my future. I’m just honestly not sure what to do… My school doesn’t even offer a music production major so I couldn’t even change my major to follow my dreams if I wanted to. I just want to be around music, no matter what job it is.

I really do apologize for this emotional ramble. On the upside, I got a really nice 3 mile run in earlier this morning! 

Told you I’d put a pretty picture from my beach run at the end!

 

The Next Chapter

So of course, as always, I was good about posting for about two days and then completely disappeared. So much has happened this month it’s hard to even believe that it all just happened within the last couple of weeks.

First, and probably the most exciting… I’m a high school graduate!!!!

blurry photo, courtesy of my friend’s sister.

After that just came the whirlwind of graduation parties and thoughts of “what the hell am i going to do with my life?”

Honestly, the idea of my going away to college in 2 months is terrifying to me. The question asked most commonly by my family and other adults is, “Wow, aren’t you so excited?” 

It’s a question that I honestly have to answer with an forced smile and a, “Yeah,” that is said more like a question than a statement. I am going to a school that is a two hour plane ride from the place that I have lived all my life. I don’t regret my decision to go so far away, in my mind this is the only shot i have to see something different. I 100% want to move back here after college and live my life here. The main problem I have is paralyzing fear. Coming from someone with severe anxiety, depression, and who moves in and out of recovering from an eating disorder, the idea of living somewhere far away with less control of my surroundings is almost a nightmare to me. Not being able to control the food that I am provided with, not being able to workout in my room every morning before breakfast, not having my own space, it’s scary. I want to be excited, and sometimes I really am, but the fear overtakes the excitement. I want to make my life into something wonderful, I want to enjoy this youth of mine instead of destroying it like I have been doing. I don’t want to be controlled by this sickness in my brain that tells me I can’t enjoy life. I don’t know.

I also don’t want to rush into what so many high school graduates seem to do. You know, that “I just want it to be time for college already, so I’m going to speed through summer,” thing. I want to enjoy every day that I have to it’s fullest. I’ve spent so much time hiding, and still have, Just this week I have skipped two graduation parties out of not wanting people to see my hugely grotesque body. That’s not living, now is it?

I have already had some great days though. On thursday I went into the city with my best friend and we went to the Museum of Natural History! It’s one of my favorite places in the whole world and I’m so thankful to finally have a friend who doesn’t think it’s lame. 

I spent way too much time in the ancient Japan area… I have such a love for asian culture and history, it’s so interesting!

A giant sloth… just because =3

We also got to walk around Central Park for a little while, Central Park has to be one of my favorite places in the world. It’s just amazing how one minute you can be in this busy city of pavement and sky scrapers and then all of a sudden you’re in this beautiful place surrounded by nature. There’s something that is just so magical about Central Park.

I need to get into the city early one morning and run. There’s something about running in Central Park that’s just amazing. There’s always somewhere new to explore!

I’m sitting outside as I type this and it is just SUCH a beautiful day. It’s supposed to hit 90 though so something tells me that I’ll wind up in the gym instead of running like I meant too (I’m a wimp, what can I say.) I shall talk to you later blogiverse! 

i am the QUEEN of corney farewells.