Thinking Out Loud 10.9.2014 – Getting Deep Up In Here

Hey guys.

It’s, “Erin rambles on about the jumbled mess that are her thoughts,” day… Or, to put it in a better way, “Thinking Out Loud Thursday.”

Thanks Amanda for creating this link-up and actually giving me the mental strength to sit and type a post (wow, that was melodramatic).

Workout – 45 minutes of intervals on the elliptical.

1. Yup. As I briefly mentioned in my Monday post…. I’m still/yet again injured. I has been almost 2 weeks since my last “run” (ok, actually I ran 4 miles on Saturday because I thought I was healed, but I was wrong and am paying for it.

I strained a muscle in my lateral leg. The pain is most severe in my outer ankle area (hurts to the touch), but it pulls from my arch all the way up through my gluteal area. Not fun.

I just feel as though I am always injured, and yes, I am aware that I am to blame for this in a number of ways… But this just could not have come at a worse time.

Over the course of the last month or so, I have just been spiraling further and further down the rabbit hole of depression and self loathing. I am having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, I don’t feel up to talking to anyone (even if it is just over text messages), I don’t have the mental stamina to complete my school work. Basically, I just feel like curling up in a ball and turning the world around me off. The universe feels too big and loud and terrifying and I don’t feel strong enough to be a part of it.

During the course of this spiraling into a deep sea of depression, there was one single thing that filled me with hope and joy and a sense of meaning… Can you guess what it was?

If you said running, than you are correct.

In fact, the day that I discovered I was injured, I had a therapy appointment before I went to the doctor for my leg. We had an amazing session and we spoke about how bad I have been doing and how running has been my saving grace. She told me how important it is that I keep running, as it is the one thing that gets me out of bed in the morning and that makes taking on the world, while still almost impossible, somewhat bearable.

Of course, right after that appointment I was told that I couldn’t run again for a while.

I completely lost it.

Yup, embarrassing myself, as I frequently do, I started crying in the middle of the medical office. The worst part of not being able to control your emotions is knowing that your reaction to the given situation is inappropriate in respect to the situation. I just feel like a toddler throwing a fit over not getting a toy that they want or something. As a result, I wind up crying even harder because of how pathetic I feel. It is a vicious cycle.

On top of being in a black hole of depression already, not being able to run is a double whammy when it comes to worsening my already less-than-ideal mental state.

On one hand, running is my saving grace. It is my love. It is what I feel passionate about. It is the one thing that makes me feel like maybe I’m worth something. It makes me grateful to be alive in this wonderful, beautiful, and magical world of ours. it makes me thankful to be alive and to have a body, regardless of the size of it, that can carry me for miles and miles.

On the other hand, it is no secret that a lot of my issues stem from a deep loathing of myself, and, more specifically, my body. I was already freaking out over the fact that I feel as though I eat way too much and that I am gaining weight and getting bigger by what feels like the day. Now, I am unable to run or do intensive exercise. All I can do is the elliptical or the bike… Not exactly the top of the list calorie burning machines. I already wanted to get this extra weight off (which is almost impossible for me since I destroyed my metabolism with my eating issues…I really need to get back on track with working on that), but now it feels more impossible than ever. I feel and look puffy and larger. I don’t want to leave the room because I don’t want people to see me. I was already struggling with getting to class, now if feels almost impossible. In fact, I skipped out on two classes this week because I just physically could not get myself out the door. I just crumble… It’s bad.

I think the worst part is knowing on a logical level that a lot of it must be in my head. You don’t swell up 20 pounds over night, but to me it appears as though I do. I have trouble differentiating what is real and what is just a false projection from my disordered mind. It’s like there is this constant war going on inside my mind and I can’t make it stop.

It is exhausting… And quite honestly, I don’t know what to do about it.

Another piece of all of this is that I feel like every time I take one step in the right direction recovery wise, I wind up taking about 10 steps back. At the end of the summer, I was seeing progress, I really was. To others (mainly my mom), I know that it seemed as though therapy was doing nothing and I was in just as bad of a place as I had been for years… But I wasn’t. The thing with recovery is that it is a painfully slow process. Any change, infinitesimal as it may seem, is crucial and important. The recovering person notices them, but everyone around that person sees absolutely nothing.

I explained it, both to my mom and to my therapist, like this – For years now, I have hated my body. I obsess about what I look like, what people are seeing and thinking of my size, and how food is the enemy 100% of the time. At the end of the summer, these thoughts consumed my mind about 98.5% of the time. This 1.5% change of mentality may seem laughable in size… But to me is was huge. 

And now I’m back at 100% of the time for these bad thoughts… And I hate it.

I also feel like I am wasting my mom’s money on therapy and I am wasting my therapist’s time. I feel selfish for even going… I am just at a stand still.

2. SOMETHING MORE POSITIVE!!!!

There is actually one thing that fills me with as much joy as running does.

(from my Instagram)

It sounds stupid, but if I could be absolutely anything in the world, I would be a musician. Now, I’m not talking like a Taylor-Swift-status-billionaire-superstar status musician… I would just want to be in a band with a moderate fan base that I could love. Music is the most powerful form of expression in my opinion. I have wanted to be a lot of different things career-wise in my lifetime, and none of the career paths that I have aspired to really had anything in common. The only common factor among my passions in life is this overwhelming need to make people feel something. I think this is why writing has always been a reoccurring theme in my goals in life. When you read a good book, watch a powerful movie, or listen to beautiful music, it elicits some sort of emotion within in you. Words have the power to be your best friend, your biggest motivator. Words can make you feel less alone… And that is what I love so much about music.

I listen to music by bands who weave words with melody in ways that make my heart cry out. I listen to music that can bring a real smile to my face whilst also brining me to tears… And listening to live music? There is nothing better.

Jeremy McKinnon of A Day To Remember absolutely killing it. 

It sounds like a cliche from a bad teenage movie… But music really has saved my life in more ways than one. I have been listening to my favorite band, Silverstein, since 7th grade. 7th grade also happened to be the time where my depression really manifested into something truly nasty. I have continued listening to that band through the years. I know that every time I am having a really hard time, their music has been there for me, and it will continue to be there for me as long as I have hearing.

There is also something truly beautiful, at least to me, about being surrounded by hundreds of people who all have the same deep connection to a certain song or band that you do. We are all pressed together like sardines in a can, we are jumping, we are struggling to keep up with keeping the crowd surfers from falling to the floor. My hair is being pulled and I am being absolutely demolished by the people around me (don’t even ask how many bruises I have on my body right now)… And for some reason, being accidentally punched and kicked, being knocked over while trying to hold up a dude about twice the size of me, and being drenched in sweat that isn’t even my own… It’s beautiful.

So in conclusion, I have been doing really really awful lately… But I had one really great day on Saturday, so I am choosing to focus on that instead.

This too shall pass.

…Right?

Thinking Out Loud 7.31.2014 – I Fear Oblivion…

Hey everyone.

So, I have been mulling over whether or not to even put this post up for a while now… There are a few reasons.

1. It’s not even Thursday anymore.

2. I really should be asleep right now.

3. I’m having a really bad night and this post will probably just wind up being a spewing of thoughts and emotions that are less-than-cheerful.

But hey, if there’s any day to just babble… Thursday would be it.

Right?

As always, shootout to our lovely host for creating this link up.

1. Hit the pool nice and early for a workout before heading off to therapy.

300 warm up

3×100 pull-kick-swim freestyle series

2×200 freestyle at moderately hard pace

1×100 reverse IM (freestyle, breaststroke, backstroke, butterfly)

2×50 freestyle sprint

4×25 freestyle sprint

1×50 butterfly

1×150 pull-kick-swim freestyle series

300 cooldown

Done!

2. Thursdays have recently become my least favorite day of the week. I spend all day rushing to and from therapy, and then to work. And because I seem to be a failure at being a human being… I can’t handle my part time job.

The amount of anxiety that it gives me is insane.

Also, my schedule was just changed on me and now I am working double the amount that I had expected to… Part of my issues with food and anxiety come from a need for control (a very common cause for these problems), and I have none of that with work and I am really struggling. I started hyperventilating and my heart started racing and I was fighting back tears for a majority of my shift.

There are no words for how ashamed I am that I can’t handle something as simple as this. Normal people can have part time jobs.

Normal people can work a ton more than me and be fine.

Normal people don’t start shaking when their schedules are given to them.

How am I ever going to hold a “real job” when I’m older?

These are just some of the thoughts and concerns that were consuming me.

Then, once I finally was done with closing the restaurant… I went home, walked through the door, and collapsed on the floor in tears.

Again, I am ashamed.

3. On a completely different note, we had somewhat of a breakthrough at therapy today… We may have discovered what exactly is the source of my mental health problems.

See, one of the issues that I have always had is that I have no reason for why I am the way I am. I had a wonderful childhood in a wonderful home with two wonderful parents that loved me. I was bullied when I was older, and yes I lost my father, but my issues with food, body image, anxiety, etc. date back to way before any of that.

However, I have, for as long as I can remember, had a phobia.

I have a phobia of oblivion.

Yes, I am aware that I sound like I’m trying to be a character in a John Green novel (A Fault in Our Stars anyone?), but I have know about this phobia, and have struggled with it since I was about 4 years old. I just used to call it something different.

It was “the blackness.”

I was a very anxious child. I had panic attacks almost nightly at a very young age. I would freak out and have to go downstairs to my parents to lay with them and calm down. I didn’t want to tell them what I had been thinking about or what was really wrong, so I always just told them that I felt sick… Which was true since panic attacks make you feel like you are dying.

Anyways, I would start thinking about the finality dying and what if there was just nothing after it. I would think about how absolutely nothing is permanent. How that moment that I was currently in would never exist again.

And it terrified me.

Jump forward years later where my most severe panic attacks are still a result of that exact fear that my four year old self had. Oblivion.

And you know what?

I have no control over oblivion.

Nobody does.

So what if this need for control in my life is stemming from my immense fear of something so large and so definite that I have no control over?

 

So, we are trying to work on that phobia. To try to get my subconscious mind to stop freaking out and obsessing.

So we will see where this goes. But I have to say…

I am hopeful.

 

Wow, I am going to regret this post in the morning. My apologies!

 

Question(s):

What’s your favorite type of sandwich? (I want to ask an unrelated and light hearted question after such a heavy post and this was the first one that came to mind……. Tell me! I want to know!) I’m a sucker for a classic PB&J. Also, these is this panini place by me that makes the BEST paninis with eggplants and sundries tomatoes… Mmm!

thinking out loud 7.24.2014

Hey everyone. It’s Thursday, and you know what that means…

Thanks again to our wonderful host =)!

So let’s do this.

1. I mentioned yesterday that I have been in quite the slump this week. One of the things that is really bothering me is I have been looking and feeling very puffy and gross lately. Obviously, everyone has bad body-image days. Thing is, most days are bad body image days for me (body image has been one of the hardest things for me recovery-wise over these past few years), and when my already less-than-superb self-image is already worse than usual… I tend to shut town completely.

Problem is, I don’t know what is causing all of this fluid retention, but I swear my face and body are swollen. Either that or I’m gaining weight again… So I’m kinda-sorta freaking out.

2. I’m frustrated because I was finally starting to feel as though my body was healing. When I went away to school, I was eating more regular meals and I was starting to get hunger cues (I had not had them in years). I felt as though my metabolism was finally starting to work again, and I was excited.

A bit of backstory – After being released from the hospital for my eating disorder in 2011, I quickly started restricting again… But my weight stabilized. All of a sudden, in January of 2012, something completely snapped in my body and, without changing my diet and exercise at all, my weight shot up almost 20 pounds in less than 3 weeks.

Needless to say, I was more than a little freaked out.

Problem was, no doctor could pin-point exactly what was wrong with me. My cortisol levels were off, but not enough-so to treat. My thyroid levels were low, but not enough so to treat. I was seeing multiple doctors a week and still, there was no “cure” in sight.

The worst part, besides being heavier than I had ever been in my life while still eating barely enough to survive, was that people kept commenting on how “healthy” I was.

And I wasn’t. I was worse than ever.

I lost a little bit of weight in college without really trying, and I was thrilled. I felt as though my body was finally doing what it was supposed to again.

And now it’s not.

I’m weak, my digestive issues are back, my hunger cues are gone. I don’t know what is happening. And I can’t mentally handle going through all that again.

3. That being said, I’m bucking up and forcing myself to make a normal person dinner and eat the whole darn thing.

update: so dinner wound up as an absolute fail… so I wound up with a trusty snack plate + some turkey breast before work.

4. It is not after midnight, so it is no longer thinking out loud Thursday… but we’re going to pretend like it is still Thursday.

5. On a more positive note…. I ran 7 miles today!

 

 

This just so happens to be the furthest that I have run in over a month! 7 miles in overcast weather (the best) at an average pace of 8:34 minutes per mile whilst listening to K-Pop (I’m currently obsessed) = happy Erin.

My computer is acting up all a sudden and keeps freezing so I’m going to have to end this post here. Talk to you tomorrow! I promise to be less negative and depressing then! =)

Thinking Out Loud 7.17.14

Hey all!

It’s Thursday, and you know what that means…

It’s time to think out loud!

Thanks Amanda for creating and hosting this awesome link up!

1. I don’t know if I have ever been this tired in my entire life.

I’ve struggled with insomnia for years (since developing my eating disorder actually… funny), but over the past few months I have been averaging around 4-5 hours of sleep per night. Now, I know that people often get a lot less than that, but it is every. single. night. I have enough trouble falling asleep, but what’s worse is that I cannot sleep past 6:30 am. Ever. Regardless of what time I fell asleep the night before…. And napping gives me anxiety because I feel as though I am wasting the day. So I’m at a loss here.

Anyway, I had the worst migraine of my entire life last night, so I got even less sleep than usual… And I have work in an hour until 11, and then I’m going to the midnight premiere of the new The Purge movie with my friend! I’m excited for the movie… But here’s hoping I can actually stay awake during it!

2. My coffee addiction is so real.

This is kind of leading off of the last point… Lack of sleep = more coffee. Thing is, I don’t really feel any effects from the caffeine in the coffee… So I wind up drinking way more of it than I probably should.

It’s so good though!

I enjoyed a large white chocolate raspberry flavored coffee on my drive home from the hamptons this morning, and just polished off this baby right here a couple of minutes ago.

 

Iced mocha with cashew milk! I drink things way too fast… Can bottomless iced coffee be a thing?

3. I am currently watching the Netflix original series Hemlock Grove.]

And I have absolutely no clue what is going on… Although, I’m not really paying attention, so maybe that’s why?

4. My run was especially wonderful this morning!

Again, I ran much slower than I would like to… But I was just so happy to be out running in the hamptons (one of my favorite places to run) with absolutely perfect weather. I was also just so happy and thankful to be running again.

Just look at that sky.

It was all just too perfect. Overcast (my favorite type of weather for running), temperature in the high 60s, no humidity… It was just amazing.

 

 

 

And I saw some little friends!

I had originally set out to do 5 miles… But time just flew by and I was enjoying myself so much that I did 6 instead. Don’t you love when that happens?

5. Green juice needs to appear in my life more.

My mom picked up a green juice from the local health food store where we were staying and gave me half for my drive home! The mix was just a ton of greens plus some added ginger. I used to make green juice all the time, but since going to school and not having access to my Vitamix… I kind of fell out of the habit. I need to start drinking them more often again! Green juices are one of those things that just make me feel good when I drink them… Not sure if the instant boost I feel when drinking them is all in my head or not… But I’ll just roll with it!

6. I need to get back out to the Hamptons and Montauk ASAP. Out east is seriously my happy place.

 

Question(s):

Tell me about what’s on your mind! …Okay, that’s not really a question… But I want to know!

 

 

Thinking Out Loud – 7.10.2014 Upsides and Downsides

It’s that time of the week again to spew all those random thoughts of mine.

Wait… Don’t I do that every day?

Thanks again Amanda for creating this link up!

1.  6 miles this morning to start my day and I loved every minute of it… Except for the fact that I had some knee pain. I’m hoping to go for acupuncture on Tuesday. It’s tough to get an appointment because my acupuncturist only has hours on Tuesday and Saturday mornings and I can never seem to get in!

2. On the up side, my pace was more around where it was pre-injury for an easy run.

3. I’m just going to whine for a moment and say how badly I wanted to run more than just 6 miles today and that I’m extremely bummed that 6 miles is what my so-called, “long run,” will be for the week.

4. On the upside, I’m proud of myself for actually listening to my body and not feeling (too) guilty about not running as much as I would like to. I know that taking it slow with getting back into running will be best for me in the long run!

5. We started regression work in therapy today and I really don’t know how I feel about it. Basically, I was put into a state of deep relaxation (state of hypnosis) and was guided in  “rolling back” through my life, trying to access memories from my childhood and then, later, my past lives. It was a really bizarre experience…

At first I felt like I was sitting in the back of a cart or pick-up truck of some kind and I saw a gravel road and fields and I felt like I was moving. I actually felt like I was having motion sickness.

When trying to roll back to a different memory from this “past life” (I don’t know if I actually believe in past lives), I felt like I was bound. I couldn’t move my arms or legs and I felt like I was being pressed down. I freaked out and jolted myself out of the scene… or memory? I’m not quite sure what to call it.

I have also felt extremely sick and off-kilter since then. I was actually nervous about driving home from the appointment because I felt so weird.

5. Upside(s) –

My shirt made me way happier than it should have.

Doesn’t it look like something that I could have stolen from my little brother’s closet?

It’s from SheInside and I love it.

This.

I picked this up from the health food store that is by my therapist’s office and I can’t even handle how delicious it was! I will be purchases this again next time I’m craving something that’s not water!

6. I had work tonight and it was absolutely brutal. With already feeling so sick from earlier, I seriously felt like I was going to pass out the whole night and the restaurant was so busy.

7. Upside – I’m home now and I don’t have to do it again until Sunday.

Finally, here’s something that I found in one of the books in Joanne’s (my therapist) office today.

This was on the first page that I opened up to and I want to think that I opened up to that page for a reason.

Illness sucks, whether it be mental or physical… But you really do always get something out of it. Between my eating disorder and my losing my dad, along with other family members, to cancer… I have learned a lot. I have grown and have learned to look at the world differently. It seems twisted to say that anything good has come out of tragedy… But everything happens for  reason right?

Question(s):

What’s on your mind?

Do you agree with the quote on illness? Or do you see no benefit whatsoever?

Thinking Out Loud Thursday 7.3..2014

Hey everyone! I’m away for the long weekend and don’t have access to my computer (I barely even have cell service), so I’m blogging from the good ‘ol phone. I apologize I’m advanced for the lower than usual quality.

It’s that time of the week again where I pour the contents of my brain out in Thinking Out Loud Thursday!!

Thanks to Amanda for creating such a fun link up!

1. Today I tested the waters with my first run in over two weeks ! I’m stoked to say that my run was completely pain-free, albeit slow.

You can’t see it here, but the hills here are absolutely obscene. Seriously, we’re talking 4 miles of extremely steep inclines. I will be feeling it tomorrow.

I’m just really happy to be running again!

I always get really discouraged after coming off of an injury because I feel like I have lost fitness. In reality, I’ve been cross training hard core (yes, I know it’s not the same as running) so even if I feel like I’ve lost cardiovascular endurance… I probably haven’t. I just get so frustrated because I was in such a good place with running and now I feel like I have to start from square one with increasing my mileage.

2. I went to the spa today and it was fabulous.

Mama channeling her zen.

The best spread of teas.

Post an amazing massage. The masseuse worked on my quads and calves a lot as well as my shoulders and mid-back which all had ridiculous amounts of knots.

After the massage, you get to go into the Whisper Room and just sit, sip water, read (I brought my book), and meditate. So happy to be in a situation where I had no choice but to be still and silent. I need to make daily meditation a priority.