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Thinking Out Loud 10.9.2014 – Getting Deep Up In Here


Hey guys.

It’s, “Erin rambles on about the jumbled mess that are her thoughts,” day… Or, to put it in a better way, “Thinking Out Loud Thursday.”

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Thanks Amanda for creating this link-up and actually giving me the mental strength to sit and type a post (wow, that was melodramatic).

Workout – 45 minutes of intervals on the elliptical.

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1. Yup. As I briefly mentioned in my Monday post…. I’m still/yet again injured. I has been almost 2 weeks since my last “run” (ok, actually I ran 4 miles on Saturday because I thought I was healed, but I was wrong and am paying for it.

I strained a muscle in my lateral leg. The pain is most severe in my outer ankle area (hurts to the touch), but it pulls from my arch all the way up through my gluteal area. Not fun.

I just feel as though I am always injured, and yes, I am aware that I am to blame for this in a number of ways… But this just could not have come at a worse time.

Over the course of the last month or so, I have just been spiraling further and further down the rabbit hole of depression and self loathing. I am having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, I don’t feel up to talking to anyone (even if it is just over text messages), I don’t have the mental stamina to complete my school work. Basically, I just feel like curling up in a ball and turning the world around me off. The universe feels too big and loud and terrifying and I don’t feel strong enough to be a part of it.

During the course of this spiraling into a deep sea of depression, there was one single thing that filled me with hope and joy and a sense of meaning… Can you guess what it was?

If you said running, than you are correct.

In fact, the day that I discovered I was injured, I had a therapy appointment before I went to the doctor for my leg. We had an amazing session and we spoke about how bad I have been doing and how running has been my saving grace. She told me how important it is that I keep running, as it is the one thing that gets me out of bed in the morning and that makes taking on the world, while still almost impossible, somewhat bearable.

Of course, right after that appointment I was told that I couldn’t run again for a while.

I completely lost it.

Yup, embarrassing myself, as I frequently do, I started crying in the middle of the medical office. The worst part of not being able to control your emotions is knowing that your reaction to the given situation is inappropriate in respect to the situation. I just feel like a toddler throwing a fit over not getting a toy that they want or something. As a result, I wind up crying even harder because of how pathetic I feel. It is a vicious cycle.

On top of being in a black hole of depression already, not being able to run is a double whammy when it comes to worsening my already less-than-ideal mental state.

On one hand, running is my saving grace. It is my love. It is what I feel passionate about. It is the one thing that makes me feel like maybe I’m worth something. It makes me grateful to be alive in this wonderful, beautiful, and magical world of ours. it makes me thankful to be alive and to have a body, regardless of the size of it, that can carry me for miles and miles.

On the other hand, it is no secret that a lot of my issues stem from a deep loathing of myself, and, more specifically, my body. I was already freaking out over the fact that I feel as though I eat way too much and that I am gaining weight and getting bigger by what feels like the day. Now, I am unable to run or do intensive exercise. All I can do is the elliptical or the bike… Not exactly the top of the list calorie burning machines. I already wanted to get this extra weight off (which is almost impossible for me since I destroyed my metabolism with my eating issues…I really need to get back on track with working on that), but now it feels more impossible than ever. I feel and look puffy and larger. I don’t want to leave the room because I don’t want people to see me. I was already struggling with getting to class, now if feels almost impossible. In fact, I skipped out on two classes this week because I just physically could not get myself out the door. I just crumble… It’s bad.

I think the worst part is knowing on a logical level that a lot of it must be in my head. You don’t swell up 20 pounds over night, but to me it appears as though I do. I have trouble differentiating what is real and what is just a false projection from my disordered mind. It’s like there is this constant war going on inside my mind and I can’t make it stop.

It is exhausting… And quite honestly, I don’t know what to do about it.

Another piece of all of this is that I feel like every time I take one step in the right direction recovery wise, I wind up taking about 10 steps back. At the end of the summer, I was seeing progress, I really was. To others (mainly my mom), I know that it seemed as though therapy was doing nothing and I was in just as bad of a place as I had been for years… But I wasn’t. The thing with recovery is that it is a painfully slow process. Any change, infinitesimal as it may seem, is crucial and important. The recovering person notices them, but everyone around that person sees absolutely nothing.

I explained it, both to my mom and to my therapist, like this – For years now, I have hated my body. I obsess about what I look like, what people are seeing and thinking of my size, and how food is the enemy 100% of the time. At the end of the summer, these thoughts consumed my mind about 98.5% of the time. This 1.5% change of mentality may seem laughable in size… But to me is was huge. 

And now I’m back at 100% of the time for these bad thoughts… And I hate it.

I also feel like I am wasting my mom’s money on therapy and I am wasting my therapist’s time. I feel selfish for even going… I am just at a stand still.

2. SOMETHING MORE POSITIVE!!!!

There is actually one thing that fills me with as much joy as running does.

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(from my Instagram)

It sounds stupid, but if I could be absolutely anything in the world, I would be a musician. Now, I’m not talking like a Taylor-Swift-status-billionaire-superstar status musician… I would just want to be in a band with a moderate fan base that I could love. Music is the most powerful form of expression in my opinion. I have wanted to be a lot of different things career-wise in my lifetime, and none of the career paths that I have aspired to really had anything in common. The only common factor among my passions in life is this overwhelming need to make people feel something. I think this is why writing has always been a reoccurring theme in my goals in life. When you read a good book, watch a powerful movie, or listen to beautiful music, it elicits some sort of emotion within in you. Words have the power to be your best friend, your biggest motivator. Words can make you feel less alone… And that is what I love so much about music.

I listen to music by bands who weave words with melody in ways that make my heart cry out. I listen to music that can bring a real smile to my face whilst also brining me to tears… And listening to live music? There is nothing better.

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Jeremy McKinnon of A Day To Remember absolutely killing it. 

It sounds like a cliche from a bad teenage movie… But music really has saved my life in more ways than one. I have been listening to my favorite band, Silverstein, since 7th grade. 7th grade also happened to be the time where my depression really manifested into something truly nasty. I have continued listening to that band through the years. I know that every time I am having a really hard time, their music has been there for me, and it will continue to be there for me as long as I have hearing.

There is also something truly beautiful, at least to me, about being surrounded by hundreds of people who all have the same deep connection to a certain song or band that you do. We are all pressed together like sardines in a can, we are jumping, we are struggling to keep up with keeping the crowd surfers from falling to the floor. My hair is being pulled and I am being absolutely demolished by the people around me (don’t even ask how many bruises I have on my body right now)… And for some reason, being accidentally punched and kicked, being knocked over while trying to hold up a dude about twice the size of me, and being drenched in sweat that isn’t even my own… It’s beautiful.

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So in conclusion, I have been doing really really awful lately… But I had one really great day on Saturday, so I am choosing to focus on that instead.

This too shall pass.

…Right?

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Injured Again


Hey guys.

I really am trying to get back into the swing of blogging. Like I said the other day, I miss it. And I am in desperate need of an outlet… Especially now.

Warning: this post is going to be even more depressing and lacking in energy than usual. It will also very likely be mildly melodramatic. Proceed with caution.

Workout – 30 minute interval cycling workout on the stationary bike + 25 minutes of intervals on the elliptical.

So, as the title kind of already says, I am injured. Again.

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My life for a while.

During my run the other day, I was feeling sharp, but not unbearable, pain in my inner ankle/calf region of my right leg. I figured that the muscle was just tight, as my calve muscles typically are, and that the hills of Central Park were just getting to me. I thought I just had to get used to the uneven terrain and hills of Central Park. Nothing to worry about. I was just thrilled that the deep blisters on my heels were finally recovered enough to be able to actually run without having to stop due to pain.

The next day, I did speed work on the treadmill and felt fine. Actually, I felt great. Such a great workout. I was stoked.

So after my workout, I packed up my things and went home for the long weekend. That evening, I noticed that the muscle in my leg was feeling very tight again. Again, I didn’t really think much of it.

I spent that night at my grandparents’ house, and laced up the next morning for a 5 mile run. Well, I made it about 3 miles before I was hobbling and crying from pain. Being my insane self… I forced myself to do at least one more mile… And then I had to stop. I couldn’t take it.

I had a therapy appointment and had to drive out about 45 minutes in severe pain. I made an appointment with my chiropractor for right after my therapy session and rushed there after. Unfortunately, due to the new health care laws, my chiropractor isn’t really able to spend as much time with each patient as she used to. So I was hooked up to the electric stim machine to loosen up the muscle for a while, and then she came in, looked at it, told me to go get an ace bandage, and wrapped my leg up with ice. She also worked on the muscle a little bit and I, one who has a VERY high pain tolerance, was sobbing. I can’t even explain the amount of pain.

Needless to say… She told me not to run. I, being the emotionally unstable person that I am, started, to my complete mortification, crying… Yup. Crying. Right there in front of everyone. I felt like the world was ending.

Like I said, quite the melodramatic post.

Here’s the thing, I had just come from therapy, and that already typically makes me more emotional that I usually am (and I am already a pretty emotional person). I had just had a great session, we spoke about how I have been scaring myself lately with how low I have been. I have been unable to find it in me to even text my best and only friend, let alone attempt to make new friends at my new school. I haven’t been able to find it in me to do my school work. Leaving my dorm to go to class is unbearable. My only salvation? Getting up and running every morning. Joanne (my absolutely amazing therapist) said how important it is for me that I even get up in the morning to run. It is the one thing that allows me to face the world. It is the one thing that makes me truly grateful for the body that I have and that makes me think about how much I truly love this world. It is the one thing that keeps me going and feeling like maybe I may have some sort of purpose in this world. I spend most of my time feeling like a failure. I don’t know what I am doing with my life. I don’t know what I am meant to do. I don’t know what my purpose is. I hate my body. I don’t have friends and I don’t feel as though I can handle having friends right now, yet I am terrified that I will now be alone forever. I feel as though I am wasting my college experience and that I am wasting my life.

But running makes me feel a glimpse of hope. It is the one thing that can actually make me feel ok about myself.

With my being in such a truly terrible place right now… I need my running now more than ever. And I can’t do that.

On top of that, I have no idea when I will be able to run again. It is my favorite season for running right now, and it only lasts a few weeks. Also, like I addressed the other day, I have gained weight and I am not ok with this… And now I really can’t workout except for the bike.

I am just at a complete loss. And I know that I am being stupid and dramatic and trust me, I of all people know that there are much worse things in this world than a temporary injury preventing me from running. It is just that I have really been scaring myself recently and running was my only salvation. I just feel like it is always something going wrong and I just don’t know what to do. Also, my mobility is very limited. I have trouble getting up and down the stairs due to pain, and walking is painful and problematic… I am not good at sitting an doing nothing. Again, I feel as though I am wasting time.

I just don’t know.

Sorry! I’ll try to be more positive tomorrow. I just really needed to vent.

On a more positive note… I put up a new makeup tutorial today! It’s a fall look inspired by the iconic autumn drink, the pumpkin spice latte. Hope you enjoy!

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life, thinking out loud

Thinking Out Loud 7.17.14


Hey all!

It’s Thursday, and you know what that means…

It’s time to think out loud!

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Thanks Amanda for creating and hosting this awesome link up!

1. I don’t know if I have ever been this tired in my entire life.

I’ve struggled with insomnia for years (since developing my eating disorder actually… funny), but over the past few months I have been averaging around 4-5 hours of sleep per night. Now, I know that people often get a lot less than that, but it is every. single. night. I have enough trouble falling asleep, but what’s worse is that I cannot sleep past 6:30 am. Ever. Regardless of what time I fell asleep the night before…. And napping gives me anxiety because I feel as though I am wasting the day. So I’m at a loss here.

Anyway, I had the worst migraine of my entire life last night, so I got even less sleep than usual… And I have work in an hour until 11, and then I’m going to the midnight premiere of the new The Purge movie with my friend! I’m excited for the movie… But here’s hoping I can actually stay awake during it!

2. My coffee addiction is so real.

This is kind of leading off of the last point… Lack of sleep = more coffee. Thing is, I don’t really feel any effects from the caffeine in the coffee… So I wind up drinking way more of it than I probably should.

It’s so good though!

I enjoyed a large white chocolate raspberry flavored coffee on my drive home from the hamptons this morning, and just polished off this baby right here a couple of minutes ago.

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Iced mocha with cashew milk! I drink things way too fast… Can bottomless iced coffee be a thing?

3. I am currently watching the Netflix original series Hemlock Grove.]

And I have absolutely no clue what is going on… Although, I’m not really paying attention, so maybe that’s why?

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4. My run was especially wonderful this morning!

Again, I ran much slower than I would like to… But I was just so happy to be out running in the hamptons (one of my favorite places to run) with absolutely perfect weather. I was also just so happy and thankful to be running again.

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Just look at that sky.

It was all just too perfect. Overcast (my favorite type of weather for running), temperature in the high 60s, no humidity… It was just amazing.

 

 

 

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And I saw some little friends!

IMG_5805I had originally set out to do 5 miles… But time just flew by and I was enjoying myself so much that I did 6 instead. Don’t you love when that happens?

5. Green juice needs to appear in my life more.

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My mom picked up a green juice from the local health food store where we were staying and gave me half for my drive home! The mix was just a ton of greens plus some added ginger. I used to make green juice all the time, but since going to school and not having access to my Vitamix… I kind of fell out of the habit. I need to start drinking them more often again! Green juices are one of those things that just make me feel good when I drink them… Not sure if the instant boost I feel when drinking them is all in my head or not… But I’ll just roll with it!

6. I need to get back out to the Hamptons and Montauk ASAP. Out east is seriously my happy place.

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Question(s):

Tell me about what’s on your mind! …Okay, that’s not really a question… But I want to know!

 

 

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fitness, healthy living, life, recovery

Summer Is Here!


Hey everyone!

Guess what…

Guess…

Guess.

Did you guess what?

Ok, I’ll tell you.

It’s officially summer!

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Admittedly, given that I have been out of school for over a month, it has felt like summer for a while. However, it’s still exciting that it’s officially summertime!

With spring ending and summer beginning, this also brings Tone It Up’s Bikini Series to an end. I have been participating in the Bikini Series since the very first one 4 years ago and this has been, by far, the best one yet! 2014-bikini-series-toneitup-tone-it-up

Every year I have tried to stick the Bikini Series, and every year I have failed due to my refusal to let go of my disordered habits and mindset.

Obviously, this year hasn’t been perfect. As I’m sure you’re all well aware of due to my obnoxious amounts of thoughtful and mildly depressing posts recently, I’ve struggled. However, I have to say that the community that Tone It Up provides through Instagram, Twitter, and their Community, has really helped me through the rough patches. It’s just a really wonderful and supportive community of wonderful women who want nothing more than to help each other. I’m just very thankful that I found Tone It Up all those years ago back in 2008 when I was just an 8th grader who hated her body and wanted to change.

I’m going to do a full post summarizing the Bikini Series and my experience later on this week =).

This morning, upon waking up I decided to test the waters and go out for an easy (and I mean easy) 4 mile run.

Again, I have yet to master the whole "take a non-blurry picture whilst running" thing.

Again, I have yet to master the whole “take a non-blurry picture whilst running” thing.

I lucked out in the sense that my local bird sanctuary was actually open this morning (it has really weird hours and is typically only open noon-3) which meant that I got to run on a non-cement surface. I definitely find running on grass more difficult, especially when the terrain as uneven as it is in my local bird sanctuary… But I know that it’s better for my joints.

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I was feeling hopeful when I made it through the first 2 miles with absolutely no pain, but then I began to feel my knee act up for about a half mile before the pain dissipated again. I guess I’ll be sticking to the pool for a while longer.

Bummer.

I have to say though, swimming has been killing my shoulders and arms like no other! Maybe by the time I’m no longer injured I’ll actually have some upper body strength!

Now I’m off to go get a present for my cousin’s engagement party later!

I’m also bringing them a sweet treat.

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You’ll see the finished product later 😉

Final note: I made the best smoothie bowl to date this morning.

IMG_4852Ok, time to stop procrastinating and get stuff done!

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Friday Favorites 6.20.14


Happy Friday! … Even though in like… 15 minutes it won’t be Friday anymore.

Whoops…

So, to make sure to get this post up on the day that it’s actually supposed to go up, I will spare you my usual rambling and get straight to what I have been absolutely loving this week!

Food:

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Trader Joe’s Sesame Soy Ginger Vinaigrette (wow, that’s a mouthful) is probably one of the greatest things ever. I’m not really one to buy packaged salad dressings, but when I’m having a big salad as my meal it’s nice to have something other than my usual balsamic + lemon juice. This stuff is light yet concentrated enough that a little bit goes a long way. I’ve been enjoying this over salads and in cold “stir-fry” form with zucchini noodles!

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I win all the awards for lowest-quality blog pictures.

Favorite Workout:

Swimming. Swimming. SWIMMING! As I mentioned yesterday, I used to swim all the time and then stopped. As much as being injured sucks (although, I really want to maybe try to do a run tomorrow and see how I feel), I’m so glad that it kind of forced me to get back into swimming! I went again this morning and it was absolutely lovely.

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Yes, that is the same picture from yesterday’s post….

Don’t judge.

Favorite Makeup:

I’ve been absolutely loving my go-to summer look that I posted on my Youtube channel!

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You may be thinking that putting this video into my Friday Favorites is shameless self-promotion.

You may be right.

But in complete seriousness, I have been loving this makeup look.

Favorite Read:

This article by Competitor on iron upkeep for runners. Like so many runners (especially female), I have low iron. In fact, I had low iron before I started running. Aside from pills and eating red meat (which I don’t really do) and a load of spinach, I didn’t know of any other ways to get my iron up.

Definitely a worthwhile read. Do recommend.

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Favorite Blogger:

Liz over at Funky Forest Food! I found her instagram while looking through some tag (maybe #rawvegan ? I’m not really sure) and the vibrant colors of her drool-worthy looking foods got my attention. I then went to her blog and spent an embarrassing amount of time lurking. She’s got some great healthy recipes that also happen to all be quite aesthetically pleasing.

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I need to make this now.

 

Tomorrow is Summer! Who’s excited?

Question(s):

What have you been loving this week?

Any fun weekend plans?

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Hey! I know I have said this before, but I really need to get into a better blogging routine. I’m such a morning person, yet I seem to only write up my posts at night… This leads to half-assed (sorry, I can’t think of a better term) post and then I get frustrated because I really want to put out quality (can writing about my life even be quality?) content and I can’t do that when I’m falling asleep.

So that’s my little spiel about why I decided not to write a blog post last night and am now writing about yesterday today instead.

Yesterday I woke up ready for a run, I was going to just do 4 miles because my knee has been acting up… Then, I realized that if my knee is hurting me, the smart thing to do would be to not run. I do this stupid thing where I guilt myself into exercising when I’m injured (or am heading towards injury) and then what does that do? It causes my getting injured!

I think also that I have been so obsessed with increasing my mileage that the idea of taking some time off of running makes me feel like a failure. I’ve said it before and I will say it again taking some time off or skipping a workout is not failing. The entire world isn’t automatically going to look at you like a lazy sloth just because you’re being kind to yourself.

Do any of you get like this towards yourself where you maybe workout a bit less than usual and all of a sudden feel like your failing your image as the designated, “health and fitness junkie,” of your family/group of friends? Or am I just really crazy?

ANYWAYS! I was kind to myself (and my hurting knee!) yesterday and hit the elliptical for 45 minutes of intervals in lieu of my planned run!

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And of course, you can guess what followed for breakfast.

IMG_4744]I topped it off with some sprinkles because they just make my heart happy.

The bulk of the rest of the day was spent trying to register for classes (all of the ones I need are either full, late at night, or conflict with other classes I’m already taking… ugh), and filming my new Youtube video that’s going up today!

It’s going to be my go-to sumer makeup. I hope you enjoy it! It’ll be up later in the day! In fact, I’m going to edit and upload as soon as the post is done!

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Yay for blurry makeup selfies!

Finally, we really need to talk about my dinner from last night because it was the best thing ever.

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I spiralized some zucchini and served it over a bed of Trader Joes’ Cruciferous Crunch salad mix (shredded brussel sprouts, kale, and red cabbage), with chopped peppers and sugar snap peas. It was all topped off with this sesame ginger vinagarette that I found at TJ’s. I served everything raw for a cold noodle bowl and I think this may become a regular dinner for me!

I also had some roasted rosemary chicken that my mom made on the side for some protein. I’m really trying to add more protein into my diet. I think I’m eating like 80% carbs and like 10% protein lately… it’s bad…

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You know… just a (blurry) girl and her larger-than-her-head salad. The usual.

Now I’m off to go edit this video and get it up! I have to go into work later and I’m pretty nervous …

Talk to you tomorrow!

Being Nice To Myself And Some Food

Aside