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Thinking Out Loud 10.9.2014 – Getting Deep Up In Here


Hey guys.

It’s, “Erin rambles on about the jumbled mess that are her thoughts,” day… Or, to put it in a better way, “Thinking Out Loud Thursday.”

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Thanks Amanda for creating this link-up and actually giving me the mental strength to sit and type a post (wow, that was melodramatic).

Workout – 45 minutes of intervals on the elliptical.

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1. Yup. As I briefly mentioned in my Monday post…. I’m still/yet again injured. I has been almost 2 weeks since my last “run” (ok, actually I ran 4 miles on Saturday because I thought I was healed, but I was wrong and am paying for it.

I strained a muscle in my lateral leg. The pain is most severe in my outer ankle area (hurts to the touch), but it pulls from my arch all the way up through my gluteal area. Not fun.

I just feel as though I am always injured, and yes, I am aware that I am to blame for this in a number of ways… But this just could not have come at a worse time.

Over the course of the last month or so, I have just been spiraling further and further down the rabbit hole of depression and self loathing. I am having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, I don’t feel up to talking to anyone (even if it is just over text messages), I don’t have the mental stamina to complete my school work. Basically, I just feel like curling up in a ball and turning the world around me off. The universe feels too big and loud and terrifying and I don’t feel strong enough to be a part of it.

During the course of this spiraling into a deep sea of depression, there was one single thing that filled me with hope and joy and a sense of meaning… Can you guess what it was?

If you said running, than you are correct.

In fact, the day that I discovered I was injured, I had a therapy appointment before I went to the doctor for my leg. We had an amazing session and we spoke about how bad I have been doing and how running has been my saving grace. She told me how important it is that I keep running, as it is the one thing that gets me out of bed in the morning and that makes taking on the world, while still almost impossible, somewhat bearable.

Of course, right after that appointment I was told that I couldn’t run again for a while.

I completely lost it.

Yup, embarrassing myself, as I frequently do, I started crying in the middle of the medical office. The worst part of not being able to control your emotions is knowing that your reaction to the given situation is inappropriate in respect to the situation. I just feel like a toddler throwing a fit over not getting a toy that they want or something. As a result, I wind up crying even harder because of how pathetic I feel. It is a vicious cycle.

On top of being in a black hole of depression already, not being able to run is a double whammy when it comes to worsening my already less-than-ideal mental state.

On one hand, running is my saving grace. It is my love. It is what I feel passionate about. It is the one thing that makes me feel like maybe I’m worth something. It makes me grateful to be alive in this wonderful, beautiful, and magical world of ours. it makes me thankful to be alive and to have a body, regardless of the size of it, that can carry me for miles and miles.

On the other hand, it is no secret that a lot of my issues stem from a deep loathing of myself, and, more specifically, my body. I was already freaking out over the fact that I feel as though I eat way too much and that I am gaining weight and getting bigger by what feels like the day. Now, I am unable to run or do intensive exercise. All I can do is the elliptical or the bike… Not exactly the top of the list calorie burning machines. I already wanted to get this extra weight off (which is almost impossible for me since I destroyed my metabolism with my eating issues…I really need to get back on track with working on that), but now it feels more impossible than ever. I feel and look puffy and larger. I don’t want to leave the room because I don’t want people to see me. I was already struggling with getting to class, now if feels almost impossible. In fact, I skipped out on two classes this week because I just physically could not get myself out the door. I just crumble… It’s bad.

I think the worst part is knowing on a logical level that a lot of it must be in my head. You don’t swell up 20 pounds over night, but to me it appears as though I do. I have trouble differentiating what is real and what is just a false projection from my disordered mind. It’s like there is this constant war going on inside my mind and I can’t make it stop.

It is exhausting… And quite honestly, I don’t know what to do about it.

Another piece of all of this is that I feel like every time I take one step in the right direction recovery wise, I wind up taking about 10 steps back. At the end of the summer, I was seeing progress, I really was. To others (mainly my mom), I know that it seemed as though therapy was doing nothing and I was in just as bad of a place as I had been for years… But I wasn’t. The thing with recovery is that it is a painfully slow process. Any change, infinitesimal as it may seem, is crucial and important. The recovering person notices them, but everyone around that person sees absolutely nothing.

I explained it, both to my mom and to my therapist, like this – For years now, I have hated my body. I obsess about what I look like, what people are seeing and thinking of my size, and how food is the enemy 100% of the time. At the end of the summer, these thoughts consumed my mind about 98.5% of the time. This 1.5% change of mentality may seem laughable in size… But to me is was huge. 

And now I’m back at 100% of the time for these bad thoughts… And I hate it.

I also feel like I am wasting my mom’s money on therapy and I am wasting my therapist’s time. I feel selfish for even going… I am just at a stand still.

2. SOMETHING MORE POSITIVE!!!!

There is actually one thing that fills me with as much joy as running does.

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(from my Instagram)

It sounds stupid, but if I could be absolutely anything in the world, I would be a musician. Now, I’m not talking like a Taylor-Swift-status-billionaire-superstar status musician… I would just want to be in a band with a moderate fan base that I could love. Music is the most powerful form of expression in my opinion. I have wanted to be a lot of different things career-wise in my lifetime, and none of the career paths that I have aspired to really had anything in common. The only common factor among my passions in life is this overwhelming need to make people feel something. I think this is why writing has always been a reoccurring theme in my goals in life. When you read a good book, watch a powerful movie, or listen to beautiful music, it elicits some sort of emotion within in you. Words have the power to be your best friend, your biggest motivator. Words can make you feel less alone… And that is what I love so much about music.

I listen to music by bands who weave words with melody in ways that make my heart cry out. I listen to music that can bring a real smile to my face whilst also brining me to tears… And listening to live music? There is nothing better.

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Jeremy McKinnon of A Day To Remember absolutely killing it. 

It sounds like a cliche from a bad teenage movie… But music really has saved my life in more ways than one. I have been listening to my favorite band, Silverstein, since 7th grade. 7th grade also happened to be the time where my depression really manifested into something truly nasty. I have continued listening to that band through the years. I know that every time I am having a really hard time, their music has been there for me, and it will continue to be there for me as long as I have hearing.

There is also something truly beautiful, at least to me, about being surrounded by hundreds of people who all have the same deep connection to a certain song or band that you do. We are all pressed together like sardines in a can, we are jumping, we are struggling to keep up with keeping the crowd surfers from falling to the floor. My hair is being pulled and I am being absolutely demolished by the people around me (don’t even ask how many bruises I have on my body right now)… And for some reason, being accidentally punched and kicked, being knocked over while trying to hold up a dude about twice the size of me, and being drenched in sweat that isn’t even my own… It’s beautiful.

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So in conclusion, I have been doing really really awful lately… But I had one really great day on Saturday, so I am choosing to focus on that instead.

This too shall pass.

…Right?

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Doing What I Love – Style Saturday 9.27.2014


Hey!

I feel the need to preface this post with saying that I am feeling quite a bit… not better per say… but, more… emotionally stable than I was yesterday. This means that this post won’t be nearly as cringey and melodramatic and depressing as yesterdays! Woohoo!

Workout – An hour of elliptical intervals. 

IMG_7504My leg is definitely feeling a little bit better than it did yesterday. It still hurts, but I was able to actually get down the stairs without having to crawl down them today! Baby steps people. Baby steps.

Now the main goal is to keep up with the R.I.C.Eing and not running (I have a bad habit of coming off of injuries the moment they start showing any signs of getting better… Needless to say, this results in reinsuring myself) or doing any other intense/high impact exercises.

Anyways…

When I originally decided to name this blog Snapbacks and Racing Flats, there was a reason behind my choice for this name. A reason that has since fallen to the side.

I originally started writing this blog in 2011, right after having recently been released from the hospital for anorexia and having lost my father. I called the blog Erin Learns To Live because, well, I really did have to relearn how to actually live this life of mine. My world had been turned upside down, I had been prisoner to my mental disorder. I didn’t know how to live life like a normal person should. Actually, I am still trying to learn how to live.

However, I wound up deleting all of my posts from that blog because I didn’t want this blog to be solely focused on my eating disorder. I wanted this blog to be about me, and I am so much more than my diagnosis.

Funny how it seems that this blog has really just become about exactly what I didn’t want it to be about. I think I had to accept that my eating disorder, my anxiety, my depression, they are all a part of me… And I cannot fully express myself without expressing my full self. And whether I like it or not, my diagnosis’s really are a part of me.

Digressing now… I renamed this blog Snapbacks and Racing Flats, because I wanted this blog to be about all of the things that I love in life… All of the things that make me, well, me. And I definitely have a lot of interests.

The two interests that stuck out to me the most were, of course, running (and just health and fitness in general) and fashion/beauty. Thus, Snapbacks and Racing Flats was born. I also really wanted to include music, since I love music more than anything… But my blog name was already longer than I wanted it to be haha.

Anyway, I really want to get back into expressing my whole self on this blog instead of just using it as a platform to rant and complain. That’s what Tumblr is for! =P

I made a couple of Style Saturday posts back in the day, and then, like most things that I start, fell off the routine of these posts as soon as things in life started getting to be too much.

So I want to reintroduce this series. I don’t know if it will be every week, or if you guys will even have any interest in it. For now, I just want to share some clothing items/outfits that I both found online and put together in sets on Polyvore. Eventually, if I can get a tripod/build up the confidence/build up my wardrobe, I would absolutely love to start doing weekly outfit posts… So we shall see!

Well, now that the world’s longest intro to a blog post is done… It’s time to share some outfits/clothing items that have excited for the upcoming autumn season!

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I don’t actually own anything with a peter pan collar as I am always unsure if I would be able to pull them off… However, I think they are absolutely adorable, especially when worn under an oversized sweater! I’m also a huge leggings girl and printed leggings are, in  my opinion, some of best statement pieces that one can add to a plain outfit. I feel that this outfit would look super cute with either a pair of faux suede maryjane flats or faux suede creepers!

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I feel that this outfit is just a prime example of how one can dress up super basic pieces to make an edgy and trendy outfit. I am currently on the hunt to find the perfect (affordable) black booties for winter. I feel that they are one of the most necessary pieces for fall/winter. Yet, I have never owned a pair! I really love the layered black shirt sleeves poking through from under the white top, and then you can never go wrong with throwing on a good anorak jacket over an outfit!

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This is just a compilation of jackets that I am currently drooling over from one of my favorite online shopping sites, Yesstyle. It is a site that sells asian fashion brands and I am obsessed with pretty much everything. Especially that pink moto jacket. Alas, it is over 200 dollars and will forever remain nothing more than a pin on my “epic wish list” Pinterest board *dramatic sigh*.

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Just an outfit that I would, and more likely than not, will be wearing very frequently this fall. I love velvet leggings and I really want to get a colored pair. Paired with all black everything else, the pop of color in the leggings really gives the outfit a special something without being too much.

Also, this outfit would be cozy comfy as anything!

And now, I am off to try to get some sleep giving that I haven’t gotten more than 5 hours of sleep in a night since May. I can slowly feel myself losing it.

Goodnight!

Question(s):

What clothing item are you most excited to wear this Fall?

Anyone hear any good music lately? I need some new jams (did I really just say jams?!)  to listen to!

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Injured Again


Hey guys.

I really am trying to get back into the swing of blogging. Like I said the other day, I miss it. And I am in desperate need of an outlet… Especially now.

Warning: this post is going to be even more depressing and lacking in energy than usual. It will also very likely be mildly melodramatic. Proceed with caution.

Workout – 30 minute interval cycling workout on the stationary bike + 25 minutes of intervals on the elliptical.

So, as the title kind of already says, I am injured. Again.

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My life for a while.

During my run the other day, I was feeling sharp, but not unbearable, pain in my inner ankle/calf region of my right leg. I figured that the muscle was just tight, as my calve muscles typically are, and that the hills of Central Park were just getting to me. I thought I just had to get used to the uneven terrain and hills of Central Park. Nothing to worry about. I was just thrilled that the deep blisters on my heels were finally recovered enough to be able to actually run without having to stop due to pain.

The next day, I did speed work on the treadmill and felt fine. Actually, I felt great. Such a great workout. I was stoked.

So after my workout, I packed up my things and went home for the long weekend. That evening, I noticed that the muscle in my leg was feeling very tight again. Again, I didn’t really think much of it.

I spent that night at my grandparents’ house, and laced up the next morning for a 5 mile run. Well, I made it about 3 miles before I was hobbling and crying from pain. Being my insane self… I forced myself to do at least one more mile… And then I had to stop. I couldn’t take it.

I had a therapy appointment and had to drive out about 45 minutes in severe pain. I made an appointment with my chiropractor for right after my therapy session and rushed there after. Unfortunately, due to the new health care laws, my chiropractor isn’t really able to spend as much time with each patient as she used to. So I was hooked up to the electric stim machine to loosen up the muscle for a while, and then she came in, looked at it, told me to go get an ace bandage, and wrapped my leg up with ice. She also worked on the muscle a little bit and I, one who has a VERY high pain tolerance, was sobbing. I can’t even explain the amount of pain.

Needless to say… She told me not to run. I, being the emotionally unstable person that I am, started, to my complete mortification, crying… Yup. Crying. Right there in front of everyone. I felt like the world was ending.

Like I said, quite the melodramatic post.

Here’s the thing, I had just come from therapy, and that already typically makes me more emotional that I usually am (and I am already a pretty emotional person). I had just had a great session, we spoke about how I have been scaring myself lately with how low I have been. I have been unable to find it in me to even text my best and only friend, let alone attempt to make new friends at my new school. I haven’t been able to find it in me to do my school work. Leaving my dorm to go to class is unbearable. My only salvation? Getting up and running every morning. Joanne (my absolutely amazing therapist) said how important it is for me that I even get up in the morning to run. It is the one thing that allows me to face the world. It is the one thing that makes me truly grateful for the body that I have and that makes me think about how much I truly love this world. It is the one thing that keeps me going and feeling like maybe I may have some sort of purpose in this world. I spend most of my time feeling like a failure. I don’t know what I am doing with my life. I don’t know what I am meant to do. I don’t know what my purpose is. I hate my body. I don’t have friends and I don’t feel as though I can handle having friends right now, yet I am terrified that I will now be alone forever. I feel as though I am wasting my college experience and that I am wasting my life.

But running makes me feel a glimpse of hope. It is the one thing that can actually make me feel ok about myself.

With my being in such a truly terrible place right now… I need my running now more than ever. And I can’t do that.

On top of that, I have no idea when I will be able to run again. It is my favorite season for running right now, and it only lasts a few weeks. Also, like I addressed the other day, I have gained weight and I am not ok with this… And now I really can’t workout except for the bike.

I am just at a complete loss. And I know that I am being stupid and dramatic and trust me, I of all people know that there are much worse things in this world than a temporary injury preventing me from running. It is just that I have really been scaring myself recently and running was my only salvation. I just feel like it is always something going wrong and I just don’t know what to do. Also, my mobility is very limited. I have trouble getting up and down the stairs due to pain, and walking is painful and problematic… I am not good at sitting an doing nothing. Again, I feel as though I am wasting time.

I just don’t know.

Sorry! I’ll try to be more positive tomorrow. I just really needed to vent.

On a more positive note… I put up a new makeup tutorial today! It’s a fall look inspired by the iconic autumn drink, the pumpkin spice latte. Hope you enjoy!

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August In A Flash


Hey! 

Workout – A low impact workout sounded like a good idea this morning. I banged my knee pretty badly the other day and bruised the muscle. I’m not exactly the best at icing (I detest it so much… But I really should do it more)… So, I woke up this morning to a pretty gnarly looking bruise and a lot of swelling.

Tried a new to me elliptical workout from FitSugar.

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And enjoyed my last smoothie bowl for a while (I got back to school today) post workout. Threw some spinach into the mix to get some more greens in before having to go back to school as well.

 

 

 

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Topped with coconut chips and Loni Jane’s “rawnola.” The stuff seriously tastes like cookie dough. So flipping good.

 

So, terrifyingly enough, today is the first day of September! September has never exactly been my favorite month… I mean, not only does it mark the end of summer, but it’s just such an uneventful month! Not only is the celebration of summer over, but there are no holidays or festivities either. 

That being said, while August was a pretty rough month for me between losing my cousin, my severe panic attacks forcing me to quit my job in a less-than ideal way, and just having been in a bad place in general… There definitely were some good points in the month of August that I would rather focus on. 

So in August I was…

Reading…

I actually have yet to finish any of the books that I started in the month of August. I just haven’t been in the right mindset to sit and read. However, towards the end of the month when I was finding myself spending a lot of time on the train back and forth from the city, I’ve been making it a point to bring a book with me!

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I have mentioned this book before, and it really is a gem.

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Yes, another nutrition book revolving around a high-carb and plant-based diet. I have just really been interested in this particular type of diet recently and want to learn as much about it as I can… I also am loving getting proven information from accredited sources instead of all of the extremist types that I am finding on Youtube (not there are no good advocates of this lifestyle on Youtube). I just always love to know the science behind certain claims made in the health and fitness world.

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I only started this book the other day… But I feel like it needs to be mentioned! Haruki Murakami is a genius and his writing style is just… I can’t even describe it. I just want to highlight every sentence to read over and over again because he weaves words together so beautifully. 

 

Listening To…

Brand New. Brand New. Brand New.

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This concert was seriously one of the greatest experiences of my life. Not only was it the highlight of my month music-wise… But I think it was just the highlight of my month in general.

Also, I got to go with my best friend. So that made it all the more amazing.

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Eating…

Need I even say it?

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Nom.

Seeing…

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I have taken in some pretty beautiful sights this month.

Other things…

I dyed my hair green.

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I embarked on a new life journey at a new school in a new “home.”

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I have remained consistent with my Youtube channel and have really pushed out of what would typically be my comfort zone.

As someone with a self confidence that is, to say the least, abysmal, putting myself on camera isn’t exactly easy. It’s hard enough when it is just my face on camera… But my latest video was a cookbook, which involves showing my entire self… Body and all. It may not seem like all that big of a deal, but it was seriously one of the most difficult things that I did this month. I’m kind of proud of myself so sucking it up and making myself so through with it.

 

So there you have it; August in a nutshell. 

 

Question(s):

1. What have you been loving this month?

2. When is the last time you pushed yourself out of your comfort zone? What did you do?

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Thinking Out Loud 8.28.2014 – Just A Lot


Hey all!

It’s my favorite day of the week (don’t know why, but I’ve just always loved Thursdays), and it also happens to be the day to think out loud!

(I don’t think there is a way to start write an intro to a link up post that isn’t incredibly lame)

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Amanda, you rock!

1. Workout – Kept things simple with an elliptical workout before heading into the city for what was supposed to be (more on that later) my first day of class.

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(Are these pictures showing up bizarrely small or is it just WordPress?)

2. This week, I have been making my smoothie bowls a little bit differently and they are actually the greatest thing ever and I have been dying to share them with you (but not really… Sorry, but I don’t share my smoothie bowls.)

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Vanilla greek yogurt + ice + coconut water + pinch of cream of tartar + stevia. I can’t even. I don’t know the last time I had vanilla ice cream, so I can’t exactly say that it tastes exactly like vanilla ice cream. However, I have had cake batter froyo from TCBY, and I can vouch for the fact that this tastes wonderfully similar to it! 

Topped with strawberries, freeze dried pineapple, and coconut chips. 

I am going to miss my Vitamix way too much in the mornings at school.

Speaking of school…

3. Today was supposed to be my first day of class. It was also supposed to be my first day sleeping in my dorm… Actually, it was supposed to be yesterday, but I may or may not have had a complete nervous breakdown/panic attack that prevented me from going… Good job Erin… Good job.

ANYWAY

So I took the train into the city early so I would have time to get to my room and take some time to get my head on straight before heading off to class. I only had one class today and it was a visual experience class that I need to take as a prerequisite before I am allowed to take photography.

So, right before I had to leave for class, my school’s website went down. My schedule for classes is online, and, for whatever reason, I didn’t take a screen shot of the schedule when I first registered for classes. I figured I would just be able to pull it up when I needed it. 

Nope.

I walked the two miles to my campus whilst frantically refreshing the website in hopes that it would go back online.

It didn’t.

I got to the building I needed to be in and had no idea what the official name of my class was or where it was. All I knew was that it was on the top floor (16th), so I started walking up to the top floor and then spent the next hour trying to find my class.

Long story short, I never found the class.

Ugh. 

I am so embarrassed and ashamed and annoyed that I missed my first day of class and I am also just super upset because the only thing that I was excited for about school was, well, school. The social aspect of college really freaks me out… But I love learning. 

4. My roommate still hasn’t showed up, and I kind of really like being on my own. I know that it sounds super recluse-like and anti-social and I swear that I really do love people… But I enjoy being alone a lot of the time. I enjoy quiet and time with myself and I don’t know that sounds so lame. 

5. PICTURES!

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One thing that I am actually excited for is the fact that I believe I am going to try to get over to Central Park to run tomorrow morning.

 

Good night!

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Thinking Out Loud 8.28.2014 – Just A Lot


Hey all!

It’s my favorite day of the week (don’t know why, but I’ve just always loved Thursdays), and it also happens to be the day to think out loud!

(I don’t think there is a way to start write an intro to a link up post that isn’t incredibly lame)

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Amanda, you rock!

1. Workout – Kept things simple with an elliptical workout before heading into the city for what was supposed to be (more on that later) my first day of class.

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(Are these pictures showing up bizarrely small or is it just WordPress?)

2. This week, I have been making my smoothie bowls a little bit differently and they are actually the greatest thing ever and I have been dying to share them with you (but not really… Sorry, but I don’t share my smoothie bowls.)

IMG_6758

 

Vanilla greek yogurt + ice + coconut water + pinch of cream of tartar + stevia. I can’t even. I don’t know the last time I had vanilla ice cream, so I can’t exactly say that it tastes exactly like vanilla ice cream. However, I have had cake batter froyo from TCBY, and I can vouch for the fact that this tastes wonderfully similar to it! 

Topped with strawberries, freeze dried pineapple, and coconut chips. 

I am going to miss my Vitamix way too much in the mornings at school.

Speaking of school…

3. Today was supposed to be my first day of class. It was also supposed to be my first day sleeping in my dorm… Actually, it was supposed to be yesterday, but I may or may not have had a complete nervous breakdown/panic attack that prevented me from going… Good job Erin… Good job.

ANYWAY

So I took the train into the city early so I would have time to get to my room and take some time to get my head on straight before heading off to class. I only had one class today and it was a visual experience class that I need to take as a prerequisite before I am allowed to take photography.

So, right before I had to leave for class, my school’s website went down. My schedule for classes is online, and, for whatever reason, I didn’t take a screen shot of the schedule when I first registered for classes. I figured I would just be able to pull it up when I needed it. 

Nope.

I walked the two miles to my campus whilst frantically refreshing the website in hopes that it would go back online.

It didn’t.

I got to the building I needed to be in and had no idea what the official name of my class was or where it was. All I knew was that it was on the top floor (16th), so I started walking up to the top floor and then spent the next hour trying to find my class.

Long story short, I never found the class.

Ugh. 

I am so embarrassed and ashamed and annoyed that I missed my first day of class and I am also just super upset because the only thing that I was excited for about school was, well, school. The social aspect of college really freaks me out… But I love learning. 

4. My roommate still hasn’t showed up, and I kind of really like being on my own. I know that it sounds super recluse-like and anti-social and I swear that I really do love people… But I enjoy being alone a lot of the time. I enjoy quiet and time with myself and I don’t know that sounds so lame. 

5. PICTURES!

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One thing that I am actually excited for is the fact that I believe I am going to try to get over to Central Park to run tomorrow morning.

 

Good night!

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Thinking Out Loud – Not Feeling It


Hey guys. It’s Thursday.

20140703-233615-84975169.jpgThank you Amanda for hosting this link up.

1. Workout – This morning, I was originally planning on doing a pool workout. However, I woke up wanting nothing less than to get into my swim suit and into a cold pool. Also, my arms were really sore. Also, I’m doing this thing where I try not to guilt myself into doing things that I really don’t want to do.

So I did a new (to me) elliptical workout instead.

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I really liked it.

2. Banana Island. If you don’t know what an “island cleanse” is… It’s a detox that is super common in the 80/10/10 raw vegan community (I have been doing a lot of research on the lifestyle lately). The basic gist of the detox is that you get your calories solely from “mono-meals” or meals consisting of a single type of fruit.

The idea is that you are giving your digestive system a rest (similar to in a juice fast) by feeding it simple and easy to digest foods.

Well, I lasted half a day.

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Honestly, I really understood the idea of a “banana detox” at first. Simple foods = simple to digest = ease the stomach and digestive issues I have been having = clean slate. I had really only planned on doing it for a day, I had no interest in eating nothing but bananas for 4+ days as is recommended.

There are two main reasons that I didn’t complete my day ‘o ‘nanners.

1. I was stressing over something that should be simple. Nothing but bananas? Why was I obsessing over what to eat for my next meal then?

Oh yeah, that eating disorder that I am recovering from.

I know that one day really isn’t a big deal. Anyone can do something for one day… But if I was forcing my mind to backtrack into that place where I obsess about food… How is the detox helpful to me? Doesn’t really matter if my stomach feels better if my mind feels worse.

2. You’re supposed to eat a hell of a lot of bananas. Think about it, there are, say, 100 calories in a banana? You need to get all of your calories from them.

I have a sweet tooth and I love carbs… But I made myself banana “ice cream” with 3 bananas for lunch and how sweet and rich it was made me feel sick.

Again, how is that beneficial to me?

So… I tried. I failed. I’m going to go stuff my face with pretzels now.

3. I’ve been gone a couple of days.

Truthfully, I feel wrong blogging even today… But I kind of just wanted to say what has been going on here.

Yesterday, we lost a very special member of my family.

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This is Grace. She was 13.

Grace had a rare condition called Sanflippo Syndrome, read more about it here. 

No one saw it coming. It wasn’t supposed to happen. Not for years.

I don’t really know how to react.

So yeah, it feels wrong to blog about my trivial life when a little angel’s just ended.

I want to write more about her, but I don’t really know what to say. I just want people to know about her and her illness and what an angel she was. I want people to know how amazing my aunt, her mother is, and how she is one of the strongest people that I know.

But really, what I want most is to make everything better. And I can’t do that.

 

I’m sorry this is really depressing. I hope you are all having a nice Thursday.

 

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