Uncategorized

Learning To Breathe


Hey everyone.

Yeah, I’m at a point where I need to stop pretending that this little piece of the internet that I’ve got here is intended to be a daily blog. I want it be a daily blog, and I believe that one day it probably will be… But at the moment, my mind is far too messy to post something of substance every day. And honestly, I’m stressed out about so much that the last thing I need is to be putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself to put up blog posts every day that no one really reads any way.

All that aside, I am actually feeling… Not positive exactly. Hopeful? Zen? I don’t know, I just feel slightly at peace with the world right now, and that is a wonderful thing. But more about that later.

Workout – I’M RUNNING AGAIN!

I tested the waters and tried to run for real for the first time in 2 weeks on Saturday and I did it and it was pain free and it was absolutely wonderful in every way shape or form, even if I had/have a really bad head cold and felt like my brain was rattling around in my head the whole time =P.

IMG_7965 IMG_7977Now, a reoccurring theme with me when it comes to coming off of injuries is that I instantly want to go out and run ALL THE MILES… But obviously, that’s not exactly the smartest way to go about getting into running and often results in me re-injuring myself.

So today I hit up the elliptical. I am so sick of the elliptical at this point it’s not even funny. That being said, I believe that tomorrow’s workout will also be an elliptical one. Oh the joy…

I also did some strength training for the first time in about five thousand years. I am the very definition of a cardio queen… I just find cardio to be about a billion and one times more enjoyable than strength training (this is why I love Insanity and other plyometric workouts so much, they combine cardio with resistance), but I really need to get back into the habit of strength training regularly. I used to be so religious about making sure to have a balance between my cardio and strength training, and I definitely felt a lot better when I was doing a little strength training regularly.

I worked my legs and flutes and I can already tell that I am going to be in pain tomorrow… But a good kind of pain!

Like I said earlier, my mind has been even more of a mess than it normally is recently… And this has resulted in my being behind on pretty much everything. I am just completely overwhelmed by life and the world and school and then I get even more upset because I know that most people do so much more than me and that I have no right to be as overwhelmed as I am.

I actually opened up my Japanese text book today to try to start on the ten pages of homework that I had to do and to study for the test I had in the subject tomorrow earlier and wound up curled up in a ball shaking and crying (like I said, I’m kind of pathetic) for a couple of hours and got nothing done. I think I have to drop the class, I can’t handle anything or focus on anything and there really is no hope in my passing that class in my current mental state… And I am so disgusted and embarrassed about this fact. I used to be a really smart person and a good student. I was an above average student my whole life, got into one of the most difficult high schools on Long Island, and wound up in the honors track (every class I took was honors) all without really trying all that hard. These days, I struggle to remember anything and everything. I retain nothing that I read or learn, and I feel like a straight up idiot. Tack that on top of feeling like I am letting down my mom by not excelling in school or at life. I mean… What do I do? I have no job because every time I get a job, I wind up having a panic attack on the job and having to quit in change. I am in no clubs because I am too scared of being around people… And now I’m dropping a class that I really can’t afford to drop? I just… I don’t know.

Oh, and there is no way that I am graduating on time. I just feel like I am nothing but a financial and emotional burned on my mom… And I hate it.

All that said, I really am so lucky to have the mother that I do. I called her today in the middle of a panic attack, meaning I was hysterical and not making much sense, and she was nothing but kind and understanding. I am so lucky and really don’t’ deserve the absolutely amazing people that I have in my life. I also cried to my friend Shannon (she’s been not he blog before!), who was my one friend and savior at my last college. She just listened and helped me think a little bit more rationally.

So what am I doing?

What I really wanted this post to be about was how at peace I am currently feeling… Or was feeling. Writing about all of that negative junk that I just did has me a little anxious again. Good job Erin =P. But really.

Something that I really want to focus on is bettering myself in any way that I can so I that I can get myself to, well, become myself. Right now I feel as though I am just trapped in this depressed shell and I can’t get out. There are so many things that I want to accomplish and that I can’t currently accomplish because I am just so stuck. It’s kind of hard to go out into the world and try to accomplish your larger-than-life dreams when you struggle to get yourself out of bed in the morning and often can’t leave your building because you are too disgusted by yourself to be seen by others. Again, I know I’m kind of ridiculous.

One small thing that I have been trying to for myself is start practicing yoga regularly. I am the kind of person that I get frustrated when I am not good at something instantly (which is ridiculous). I don’t like being considered a “beginner” in anything, I get embarrassed and frustrated… But to begin anything, you kind of need to be a beginner.

Last week, I signed up for the 15 day free trial on YogaGlo, a huge website full of hundreds of online yoga classes of all styles. Obviously, once the 15 days is up I am going to have to cancel my membership. I don’t have the money… But I thought it would be a good place to start!

Truthfully, I haven’t practiced every day like I had planned on doing… But I have practiced twice, so it’s a start.

Before sitting down to write this post, I did a 20 minute vinyasa flow for balance and followed it up with something very out of character for me.

Meditation.

Meditation is one of those things that I always know that I should do, but I can never actually get myself to do. My mind is just too busy and I get too anxious and antsy every time I try to meditate. Or I make the lame excuse that I don’t have time.

But tonight, something compelled me to give this highly praised practice another shot… And it was amazing.

The specific type of meditation that I did was called Isha Kriya, and the practice was led by Kathryn Budig. It was a simple guided practice done in a seated position. The meditation session in its entirety was 15 minutes in length and consisted of 3 different sections.

The first part was breathing and mantras. You inhaled and said, “I am not my body,” and exhaled saying, “I am not even my mind.” This portion lasted about 7 minutes.

Next was 7 receptions of breathing in and exhaling as a sound. I don’t know the technical term for this portion, but the point of the sound was that it caused vibrations in your solar pled.

The final part of the meditation was the par that I thought would be the worst for me. In fact. going into the practice, I didn’t even think that I would be able to finish it. This portion of the meditation was just simple silent meditation. Normally, this is when my mind floods with thoughts, and they are more often than not negative ones. However, crazily enough, this didn’t happen this time. I was somehow able to keep my mind almost completely devoid of any real thoughts… And it was amazing.

Once the session was over, I just kind of sat there in a trance for a little while. I just felt calm and at peace and… Hopeful. I want to get my creativity back. I want to start doing more of the things that I love. And I want to do them because I want to do them instead of doing them because I feel as though I will be a failure if I don’t do them.

I’m thinking that tomorrow I’m going to explore this amazing city a little bit and take some photos. Growing up, I was always super into photography, but now I rarely do it.

I also want to make time to sit and work on my book. I have been trying to write this thing for years now, but it’s only about 15 pages at this point. I love writing. I really do… I don’t get why I so often forget that.

Screen Shot 2014-10-14 at 11.42.36 PM

Oh, and the new Fall edition of the Tone It Up Nutrition Plan was released today, so that’s pretty darn rad.

Screen Shot 2014-10-14 at 11.37.52 PM

Good night all!<3

Advertisements
Standard
Uncategorized

Thinking Out Loud 8.28.2014 – Just A Lot


Hey all!

It’s my favorite day of the week (don’t know why, but I’ve just always loved Thursdays), and it also happens to be the day to think out loud!

(I don’t think there is a way to start write an intro to a link up post that isn’t incredibly lame)

20140703-233615-84975169.jpg

Amanda, you rock!

1. Workout – Kept things simple with an elliptical workout before heading into the city for what was supposed to be (more on that later) my first day of class.

IMG_5347

 

IMG_6861

(Are these pictures showing up bizarrely small or is it just WordPress?)

2. This week, I have been making my smoothie bowls a little bit differently and they are actually the greatest thing ever and I have been dying to share them with you (but not really… Sorry, but I don’t share my smoothie bowls.)

IMG_6758

 

Vanilla greek yogurt + ice + coconut water + pinch of cream of tartar + stevia. I can’t even. I don’t know the last time I had vanilla ice cream, so I can’t exactly say that it tastes exactly like vanilla ice cream. However, I have had cake batter froyo from TCBY, and I can vouch for the fact that this tastes wonderfully similar to it! 

Topped with strawberries, freeze dried pineapple, and coconut chips. 

I am going to miss my Vitamix way too much in the mornings at school.

Speaking of school…

3. Today was supposed to be my first day of class. It was also supposed to be my first day sleeping in my dorm… Actually, it was supposed to be yesterday, but I may or may not have had a complete nervous breakdown/panic attack that prevented me from going… Good job Erin… Good job.

ANYWAY

So I took the train into the city early so I would have time to get to my room and take some time to get my head on straight before heading off to class. I only had one class today and it was a visual experience class that I need to take as a prerequisite before I am allowed to take photography.

So, right before I had to leave for class, my school’s website went down. My schedule for classes is online, and, for whatever reason, I didn’t take a screen shot of the schedule when I first registered for classes. I figured I would just be able to pull it up when I needed it. 

Nope.

I walked the two miles to my campus whilst frantically refreshing the website in hopes that it would go back online.

It didn’t.

I got to the building I needed to be in and had no idea what the official name of my class was or where it was. All I knew was that it was on the top floor (16th), so I started walking up to the top floor and then spent the next hour trying to find my class.

Long story short, I never found the class.

Ugh. 

I am so embarrassed and ashamed and annoyed that I missed my first day of class and I am also just super upset because the only thing that I was excited for about school was, well, school. The social aspect of college really freaks me out… But I love learning. 

4. My roommate still hasn’t showed up, and I kind of really like being on my own. I know that it sounds super recluse-like and anti-social and I swear that I really do love people… But I enjoy being alone a lot of the time. I enjoy quiet and time with myself and I don’t know that sounds so lame. 

5. PICTURES!

IMG_6893 IMG_6901 IMG_6908 IMG_6914 IMG_6916 IMG_6907

One thing that I am actually excited for is the fact that I believe I am going to try to get over to Central Park to run tomorrow morning.

 

Good night!

Standard
Uncategorized

Thinking Out Loud 8.28.2014 – Just A Lot


Hey all!

It’s my favorite day of the week (don’t know why, but I’ve just always loved Thursdays), and it also happens to be the day to think out loud!

(I don’t think there is a way to start write an intro to a link up post that isn’t incredibly lame)

20140703-233615-84975169.jpg

Amanda, you rock!

1. Workout – Kept things simple with an elliptical workout before heading into the city for what was supposed to be (more on that later) my first day of class.

IMG_5347

 

IMG_6861

(Are these pictures showing up bizarrely small or is it just WordPress?)

2. This week, I have been making my smoothie bowls a little bit differently and they are actually the greatest thing ever and I have been dying to share them with you (but not really… Sorry, but I don’t share my smoothie bowls.)

IMG_6758

 

Vanilla greek yogurt + ice + coconut water + pinch of cream of tartar + stevia. I can’t even. I don’t know the last time I had vanilla ice cream, so I can’t exactly say that it tastes exactly like vanilla ice cream. However, I have had cake batter froyo from TCBY, and I can vouch for the fact that this tastes wonderfully similar to it! 

Topped with strawberries, freeze dried pineapple, and coconut chips. 

I am going to miss my Vitamix way too much in the mornings at school.

Speaking of school…

3. Today was supposed to be my first day of class. It was also supposed to be my first day sleeping in my dorm… Actually, it was supposed to be yesterday, but I may or may not have had a complete nervous breakdown/panic attack that prevented me from going… Good job Erin… Good job.

ANYWAY

So I took the train into the city early so I would have time to get to my room and take some time to get my head on straight before heading off to class. I only had one class today and it was a visual experience class that I need to take as a prerequisite before I am allowed to take photography.

So, right before I had to leave for class, my school’s website went down. My schedule for classes is online, and, for whatever reason, I didn’t take a screen shot of the schedule when I first registered for classes. I figured I would just be able to pull it up when I needed it. 

Nope.

I walked the two miles to my campus whilst frantically refreshing the website in hopes that it would go back online.

It didn’t.

I got to the building I needed to be in and had no idea what the official name of my class was or where it was. All I knew was that it was on the top floor (16th), so I started walking up to the top floor and then spent the next hour trying to find my class.

Long story short, I never found the class.

Ugh. 

I am so embarrassed and ashamed and annoyed that I missed my first day of class and I am also just super upset because the only thing that I was excited for about school was, well, school. The social aspect of college really freaks me out… But I love learning. 

4. My roommate still hasn’t showed up, and I kind of really like being on my own. I know that it sounds super recluse-like and anti-social and I swear that I really do love people… But I enjoy being alone a lot of the time. I enjoy quiet and time with myself and I don’t know that sounds so lame. 

5. PICTURES!

IMG_6893 IMG_6901 IMG_6908 IMG_6914 IMG_6916 IMG_6907

One thing that I am actually excited for is the fact that I believe I am going to try to get over to Central Park to run tomorrow morning.

 

Good night!

Standard
thinking out loud, Uncategorized

Thinking Out Loud 8.21.2014


Hey!

Wow, I’m actually posting something… And it’s on a Thursday, so you know what that means!

20140703-233615-84975169.jpg

Shout out, as always, to this link up’s lovely host.

1. Workout – 5 miles easy.

I have both a chest and head cold, so it goes without saying that this run was pretty meh. I had originally planned on going to the gym for some speed work before therapy, but I spent so much time talking myself out of it that I wound up too pressed for time… So a run it was! I almost stopped after 3 miles, but I didn’t have the time to walk the 2 miles home (I was running an out and back route)… So there’s that!

I normally do two a day workouts, but I was feeling so crummy all day that I wound up not doing anything but lying around and doing school things for a bulk of the day. I have to say, I am feeling extremely guilty and lazy and gross. Like I have mentioned a million times lately, I am gaining weight. Unfortunately, since I am very inclined to fall into unhealthy exercise and food habits, I have been feeling more and more pressure to workout as much as physically possible. This has resulted in my feeling lethargic, sick, and weak. I actually think that overtraining, in addition to stress, not sleeping, and grieving largely contributed to how sick I currently am.

2. New video went up on my Youtube channel yesterday!

Just me sharing a couple of things that I picked up from the thrift shop (I’m gonna pop some tags…) the other day. I know, so exciting right? Haul videos are actually one of my biggest internet guilty pleasures. I don’t know what it is, but I just love watching them… Even if they do just make me think about all of the things that I can’t afford.

*dramatic sigh*

3. I did a thing.

IMG_6649

Yes, it is actually green. Yes, it is actually that neon (no editing or enhancing). Yes, I may regret it kinda-sorta a lot. I didn’t think I dyed as much of it as I did… So now I have neon green hair. Not exactly the best way to avoid attention when you go out in public.

3. I am supposed to move into my dorm on Saturday. I am dreading it more than anything to the point that I am in complete denial of my actually having to go.

I don’t know if it is due to how traumatic my experience at my last university was, or if it just my severe anxiety over change… But I just really don’t feel like I can handle this. I am dreading it so much, but I should be excited.

Everyone I am friends with on Facebook is posting about how unbelievably excited they are to be going back to their colleges to their dorms and their lives and their friends. So why am I not? Am I really that much of a failure that I can’t even handle school?

I truly don’t know what to do. I am at a point where I don’t even know if college is right for me. Thing is, I can’t afford not to go.

Yes, I could live at home and take classes at my local community college. That would be comfortable. That would be safe. But there is no room for growth there. Yes, I would have significantly less anxiety over school if I were to go the community college route. But I would never get out of this rut that I am in. I would get up, go to class, come home, and repeat. Every. Single. Day.

I wouldn’t have anything driving me to branch out and meet people (not that I am really feeling up to doing that yet), or to get involved. I wouldn’t have anything pushing me to start living. I would continue to just exist. I would continue to waste this blessed life that I was given.

I don’t know. I really don’t know what to do. I am excited for my classes. I am excited to be in the city everyday. I am not excited to live away from home. I am not excited to not have access to everything that I am used to and accustomed to. I have a set routine that I live my life by, and I get panicky just thinking about not being able to stick to my standard routine. Throw in the fear that I am going to have a roommate that judges me or thinks I’m weird or crazy or one that bullies me like I did last year into the mix and you have the recipe for a full-on breakdown.

I’m just really not ready for this. But I have no other option. I really hope that I can get my head on straight soon, because right now I feel like nothing but a failure, not only to my family, but also to myself.

Wow, this just got real depressing real fast. I’m sorry guys, I’m just at a rough point in my life I guess and this blog, while I really want it to be a positive place, is my one and only outlet. Like, you guys reading are the only people that I really have to talk to. So, if you do read this blog or watch my Youtube videos, I just hope that you know how unbelievably grateful I am to you.

I hope you all have a wonderful night and I will talk to you tomorrow. Got to get back on that being-consistant-with-my-blogging grind!

Oh, and I just want to leave you with this quote that I found.

1e7c810d10b3beaa4a71724991501a08

=)

Standard
Uncategorized

Tone It Up Bikini Series – Recap And Final Reflection


Hey everyone! I’ve been meaning to write this post since Saturday and am finally finding time to sit and take some time to write it.

So, as I have mentioned countless times before, I am a member of Tone It Up and have been for years. In case you have never heard of the Tone It Up (in which case… do you live under a rock?), it is business and community founded and run by best friends Katrina Hodgson and Karena Dawn. Tone It Up began as a Youtube channel and have since grown into a multi-million dollar company with tens of thousands of followers. K & K are unbelievable inspirational and have been my role-models since finding their Youtube channel in 2008. I could go on and on about how much I love them for forever, but instead I’ll just say that if you want to know more about Karena and Katrina as well as Tone It Up as a whole, you can read about them/it here.

tone-it-up-plan-1

This year marked the fourth year for Tone It Up’s Bikini Series, an annual challenge beginning in the spring and ending on the first day of summer. The goal is to get you into tip-top shape come bikini season (i.e. summer)!

Throughout the series, Karena and Katrina post weekly schedules for workouts on their website along with daily “Sunset Challenges” and post new toning routines each Tuesday. Participants are encouraged to check in daily via Instagram, Twitter, or in the Tone It Up Community with their meals and to offer encouragement to other Bikini Series participants!

IMG_4395 IMG_4466 IMG_4608

(all from my Instagram)

For the sake of keeping this post from being obscenely long, you can read more about the Bikini Series here.

The Bikini Series is something that I look forward to every year and is something that I have been “participating” in since the very first one four years ago. Now, I put “participating” in quotations because every year I begin the series with good intentions… But every year, as I have mentioned before, I fail because I freak out and fall back into unhealthy habits.

This year, I wanted things to be different. I was/am so sick of constantly tormenting myself with guilt and fear and all of that other nonsense that prevents me from living the life that I want to. I want nothing more to be the image of health. I want to focus on eating healthy and nutrient dense foods instead of looking to get the least amount of calories in my meals. I want to be able to run fast and long and do it because I love it instead of doing hours of half-hearted workouts in hopes of burning as many calories as possible. I want to be fully recovered. I do.

It’s easier said than done… And more often than not, I convince myself that I don’t in fact want recovery… So this is my public reminder that I do want to be my best self, not my sickest self.

How does this ramble fit into the Bikini Series? Well, the Bikini Series was actually a huge proponent in my finally realizing just how badly I want to be a true example of a healthy and happy human being. The Bikini Series brings an unbelievable amount of beautiful, kind, and inspiring women together to work hard and support each other in a loving and positive community.

I really do have to say that I have never experience anything but positivity within the Tone It Up/Bikini Series community. Yes, I do realize that negative comments and statements are probably monitored and promptly deleted, but for the most part, I do think that the following surrounding Tone It Up is predominantly made up of kind-hearted people who genuinely want the best for all of the other women pursuing the same goal that they are: their best self.

Going onto my Instagram every day and seeing check in after check in of healthy meals and workouts and smiles from beautiful women of all ages, sizes, and backgrounds. Seeing all of these ladies succeeding in moving towards their best self really gave me the push that I needed on days where I would have much fathered skip lunch in favor of a calorie-free coffee.

In addition to the wonderful Tone It Up community, Karena and Katrina never fail to inspire me to strive for health. Like I said earlier, I discovered these two amazing ladies back in 2008 when I was just a self-conscious 8th grader who wanted to lose weight.

This may sound dramatic, but finding their videos on Youtube all those years ago truly changed my life forever. I found my love for fitness, I found my desire to pursue a career in healthy living (although I have swapped out my major in exercise science for journalism, I still want to personal train and be a fitness instructor more than anything), I found a desire to create Youtube videos to create and share my thoughts and ideas with the world (I finally worked up the courage to pursue that dream this year!)… I just can’t even properly explain to you how immense of an impact Tone It Up has had on my life.

I started this Bikini Series wanting to lose weight, although I know i probably didn’t need to, but not ready to dive in full force since I knew that I most likely would gain weight if I ate more.

I ended this Bikini Series focusing less on the weight and more on the mindset. I’ve been trying to think less and just live. Can I say that I’m recovered and now I can eat whatever I want without a second thought about how many calories are in it? No. Can I say that I allow my body the proper amount of rest that it needs between workouts? Unfortunately, no.. I can’t. But I can say that I am getting there. 

For over 3 years not I have felt nothing but stuck. I wasn’t getting sicker, but I also wasn’t getting better. I gained weight without upping my calorie intake which caused my restricting even more out of complete terror that eating 5 extra calories would cause my weight to go up overnight again.

Yesterday, I weighed myself for the first time since my body completely betrayed me two years ago… Gaining almost 20 pounds in less than a month even though I was existing on less that 1000 calories a day and running competitively. I don’t know how I feel about the number… I didn’t feel much of anything about it actually. I wasn’t happy about the number, but it also didn’t cause me to workout an extra hour that day and skip breakfast. It was just a number.

I know it doesn’t seem like that is much, but it is everything to me.

This Bikini Series has put me on the path to a long overdue change that needed to be made. Don’t get me wrong, I am nowhere near where I need to be yet… But I’m closer. Even if I have only creeped an inch forward on the journey towards recovery, it is an inch more than I have moved in years. 

I am so thankful to Tone It Up, the Bikini Series, and all of the incredible women who took part in the challenge for inspiring me each and every day to try to be my best self. I am thankful for the women who showed me that you don’t have to be perfect all the time, that you don’t have to punish yourself for a slip up, and that everyone is worth something.

Even me.

recovery1

Standard
Uncategorized

Mileage Guilt?


Hey everyone! It’s my favorite day of the week!
I don’t actually know why it’s my favorite day… I’ve just always really loved Thursdays.

So yesterday morning for my workout I did something that I haven’t done in years…

I swam.

IMG_4807

 

(I think people judged me while I creepily took a photo of my gym’s pool through the window.)

My workout went like this:

20 lap warm up

5 x 2 lap freestyle sprints with 20 squats and 20 crunches between sets

5 x 2 lap sprints alternating between breast stroke and butterfly

20 lap cool down

My arms are definitely feeling this today…. I need to get back into swimming shape. This whole workout just made me happy.

The goggle indents you get under your eyes after a swim workout as just oh-so-attractive.

The goggle indents you get under your eyes after a swim workout as just oh-so-attractive.

Fun Fact: I was actually a swimmer for a majority of my life. Growing up, I played pretty much every sport that I possibly could, but swimming was the only one (apart for dance) that I really loved, was dedicated to, and was actually okay-ish at. I was a swimmer way before I was a runner! Actually, I really thought that running was the only sport I actually hated haha… Funny how things changed.

But yeah, I was involved in swimming every winter up until high school and every summer up through my sophomore year of high school.

Then, I just kind of stopped. Yes, a part of the reason I stopped swimming was because I was involved in my cross country and track teams and had also aged out of my summer swim team… But the main reason, I am embarrassed to say, was that I just didn’t want to be in a bathing suit. 

The water has always been my happy place. I could be in the ocean for hours at a time, I pretty much lived in the pool in the summer, and swimming laps made me feel like I was flying. I loved it. Then, although I have had awful body image issues for as long as I can remember, the idea of people seeing me in something as skimpy as as swim suit (even the one-piece that I wore for laps/swim team) was too horrifying of a thought that I gave up on something that I loved.

What’s even worse is that I actually convinced myself that there were other reasons that I stopped swimming… And one of them was that it would reduce my weekly mileage.

Wait… What?

Yeah. While I was swimming yesterday, I did a lot of thinking (crazy what your brain does without the stimulation that music normally gives it during my workouts).

For the most part, my thoughts were about how great I was feeling, and this lead me to think, “Why did I ever stop doing this in the first place?” And, “I really should do this more.”

So why don’t I?

Body image aside, the fact of the matter is that if I start incorporating more swimming workouts would mean decreasing my overall weekly mileage.. Unless I added swimming on top of my usual speed workouts and runs… Which isn’t happening.

I just don’t want my mileage to drop… And why?

(Wow, I ask a lot of rhetorical questions don’t I..?)

(I also use parenthesis way more than I probably should).

(I’m going to stop now).

I don’t know about any of you, but I doubt that I’m alone here in the fact that I feel pressured by some unknown being (read: the crazy part of my mind) to keep my weekly mileage at a certain number. I feel like if I drop below a certain number I can’t really consider myself a “real runner.” Because of this, I feel pressured to run almost every day of the week and only leave cross-training (which is something that I actually really enjoy) once or twice because God-forbid that I don’t run X amount of miles a week.

I know that I have been writing about exercise guilt and the pressure to be, “a real runner,” a lot lately, and I apologize if it’s super annoying and negative sounding. It’s just something that I have really been struggling with and I know that many other people do as well.

Whether it be the number of miles you feel that you should run, the amount of time that you feel you should workout, or something not even related to fitness, I believe that most of us feel some sort of pressure to be, “enough.” But who are we even trying to be enough for? No one actually cares how many miles your run or whether you worked out for 15 minutes or 150 minutes yesterday. No one is judging you. You are enough.

Just do me a favor and remember that ok?

Standard
Uncategorized

Hello there.

This is Tuesday’s post but it is going up on hump day. Why? Because blah blah I got home late blah blah excuses blah blah blah.

Yesterday started off with a 5 mile run! I really want to up my mileage a little bit so I turned what would normally be my weekly easy 4 miler into a 5 miler.

It was all fun and games until I got stopped because a train had to come by (for what felt like 2000 years).

IMG_4462

Ever since I brought up my compulsive exercise tendencies on the blog, I have been trying to scale back a bit on all of the extra workouts that I was doing (running/workout + HIIT + toning every single day), and I have to say that, although it has only been a week, I was feeling a little bit stronger on my runs. However, yesterday I felt like I was absolutely dying on my run. My pace was above a 9 minute mile which I never run. My easy run pace is typically somewhere between 8:20-9:00 minutes per mile depending on the day… Which leads me onto the next topic that I really need to work on.

I need to not be so hard on myself.

I beat myself up over absolutely everything. No matter what it is I do, it will never be good enough. Now, the ridiculous part of this whole, “never good enough,” thing is… Who exactly am I not good enough for? I’m pretty sure that no one could care less about how fast I run or how much I run or how much I work out.

So what am I trying to prove?

Part of my trying to be kinder to my body is also trying to be kinder to myself as a whole. I don’t believe it wrong to assume that, more often than not, people are generally tough on themselves. We tell ourselves that we are failing someone… But that someone is ourselves. And if we are giving something our all, but still falling short of whatever unattainable “goals” that we set for ourselves, are we really failing?

I don’t know… Just some food for thought.

Tangent aside, it’s also pretty ridiculous of me to think that my body and energy levels will suddenly go back to normal after just a couple of days of only slightly cutting back on the exercise. It takes longer than that to recover, especially since I’m still not emotionally ready to give myself full rest days (which I know is really bad and I am working on it).

Some happier and less intense things (in no particular order):

  1. My mom made chili for dinner last night and it was fabulous. I love cooking for myself most nights, but you really can’t beat having food made by your mom every once in a while. I put my chili over cauliflower “rice.”

IMG_4552 IMG_4549

 

Cornbread recipe from The Fat Free Vegan.  So. Good.

**(Side Note: I think I may turn into a head of cauliflower soon. I eat so much           cauliflower it’s insane.)**

2. I filmed my new Youtube video for this week and today will be spent editing it and uploading it!

Before

Before

After!

After!

 

3. I spent some time last night with my oldest friend and dearest friend! She was the first real friend that I ever had (we met the first day of Kindergarten!) and although we don’t talk all the time anymore, she is one of those people that I could not see for a year and then hang out with her and it will just be completely natural. It was so nice to see her and catch up and reminisce about old times.

IMG_4557

When I was little, I was so jealous of how many of these bouncy balls that she had and I even had favorites among her collection. See that clear blue one on the bottom left? Yeah. I wanted that darn bouncy ball so bad. Oh to be young again..

I hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday (hey… alliteration!). I’m off to the gym.

Standard