Learning To Breathe

Hey everyone.

Yeah, I’m at a point where I need to stop pretending that this little piece of the internet that I’ve got here is intended to be a daily blog. I want it be a daily blog, and I believe that one day it probably will be… But at the moment, my mind is far too messy to post something of substance every day. And honestly, I’m stressed out about so much that the last thing I need is to be putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself to put up blog posts every day that no one really reads any way.

All that aside, I am actually feeling… Not positive exactly. Hopeful? Zen? I don’t know, I just feel slightly at peace with the world right now, and that is a wonderful thing. But more about that later.

Workout – I’M RUNNING AGAIN!

I tested the waters and tried to run for real for the first time in 2 weeks on Saturday and I did it and it was pain free and it was absolutely wonderful in every way shape or form, even if I had/have a really bad head cold and felt like my brain was rattling around in my head the whole time =P.

Now, a reoccurring theme with me when it comes to coming off of injuries is that I instantly want to go out and run ALL THE MILES… But obviously, that’s not exactly the smartest way to go about getting into running and often results in me re-injuring myself.

So today I hit up the elliptical. I am so sick of the elliptical at this point it’s not even funny. That being said, I believe that tomorrow’s workout will also be an elliptical one. Oh the joy…

I also did some strength training for the first time in about five thousand years. I am the very definition of a cardio queen… I just find cardio to be about a billion and one times more enjoyable than strength training (this is why I love Insanity and other plyometric workouts so much, they combine cardio with resistance), but I really need to get back into the habit of strength training regularly. I used to be so religious about making sure to have a balance between my cardio and strength training, and I definitely felt a lot better when I was doing a little strength training regularly.

I worked my legs and flutes and I can already tell that I am going to be in pain tomorrow… But a good kind of pain!

…

Like I said earlier, my mind has been even more of a mess than it normally is recently… And this has resulted in my being behind on pretty much everything. I am just completely overwhelmed by life and the world and school and then I get even more upset because I know that most people do so much more than me and that I have no right to be as overwhelmed as I am.

I actually opened up my Japanese text book today to try to start on the ten pages of homework that I had to do and to study for the test I had in the subject tomorrow earlier and wound up curled up in a ball shaking and crying (like I said, I’m kind of pathetic) for a couple of hours and got nothing done. I think I have to drop the class, I can’t handle anything or focus on anything and there really is no hope in my passing that class in my current mental state… And I am so disgusted and embarrassed about this fact. I used to be a really smart person and a good student. I was an above average student my whole life, got into one of the most difficult high schools on Long Island, and wound up in the honors track (every class I took was honors) all without really trying all that hard. These days, I struggle to remember anything and everything. I retain nothing that I read or learn, and I feel like a straight up idiot. Tack that on top of feeling like I am letting down my mom by not excelling in school or at life. I mean… What do I do? I have no job because every time I get a job, I wind up having a panic attack on the job and having to quit in change. I am in no clubs because I am too scared of being around people… And now I’m dropping a class that I really can’t afford to drop? I just… I don’t know.

Oh, and there is no way that I am graduating on time. I just feel like I am nothing but a financial and emotional burned on my mom… And I hate it.

All that said, I really am so lucky to have the mother that I do. I called her today in the middle of a panic attack, meaning I was hysterical and not making much sense, and she was nothing but kind and understanding. I am so lucky and really don’t’ deserve the absolutely amazing people that I have in my life. I also cried to my friend Shannon (she’s been not he blog before!), who was my one friend and savior at my last college. She just listened and helped me think a little bit more rationally.

So what am I doing?

What I really wanted this post to be about was how at peace I am currently feeling… Or was feeling. Writing about all of that negative junk that I just did has me a little anxious again. Good job Erin =P. But really.

Something that I really want to focus on is bettering myself in any way that I can so I that I can get myself to, well, become myself. Right now I feel as though I am just trapped in this depressed shell and I can’t get out. There are so many things that I want to accomplish and that I can’t currently accomplish because I am just so stuck. It’s kind of hard to go out into the world and try to accomplish your larger-than-life dreams when you struggle to get yourself out of bed in the morning and often can’t leave your building because you are too disgusted by yourself to be seen by others. Again, I know I’m kind of ridiculous.

One small thing that I have been trying to for myself is start practicing yoga regularly. I am the kind of person that I get frustrated when I am not good at something instantly (which is ridiculous). I don’t like being considered a “beginner” in anything, I get embarrassed and frustrated… But to begin anything, you kind of need to be a beginner.

Last week, I signed up for the 15 day free trial on YogaGlo, a huge website full of hundreds of online yoga classes of all styles. Obviously, once the 15 days is up I am going to have to cancel my membership. I don’t have the money… But I thought it would be a good place to start!

Truthfully, I haven’t practiced every day like I had planned on doing… But I have practiced twice, so it’s a start.

Before sitting down to write this post, I did a 20 minute vinyasa flow for balance and followed it up with something very out of character for me.

Meditation.

Meditation is one of those things that I always know that I should do, but I can never actually get myself to do. My mind is just too busy and I get too anxious and antsy every time I try to meditate. Or I make the lame excuse that I don’t have time.

But tonight, something compelled me to give this highly praised practice another shot… And it was amazing.

The specific type of meditation that I did was called Isha Kriya, and the practice was led by Kathryn Budig. It was a simple guided practice done in a seated position. The meditation session in its entirety was 15 minutes in length and consisted of 3 different sections.

The first part was breathing and mantras. You inhaled and said, “I am not my body,” and exhaled saying, “I am not even my mind.” This portion lasted about 7 minutes.

Next was 7 receptions of breathing in and exhaling as a sound. I don’t know the technical term for this portion, but the point of the sound was that it caused vibrations in your solar pled.

The final part of the meditation was the par that I thought would be the worst for me. In fact. going into the practice, I didn’t even think that I would be able to finish it. This portion of the meditation was just simple silent meditation. Normally, this is when my mind floods with thoughts, and they are more often than not negative ones. However, crazily enough, this didn’t happen this time. I was somehow able to keep my mind almost completely devoid of any real thoughts… And it was amazing.

Once the session was over, I just kind of sat there in a trance for a little while. I just felt calm and at peace and… Hopeful. I want to get my creativity back. I want to start doing more of the things that I love. And I want to do them because I want to do them instead of doing them because I feel as though I will be a failure if I don’t do them.

I’m thinking that tomorrow I’m going to explore this amazing city a little bit and take some photos. Growing up, I was always super into photography, but now I rarely do it.

I also want to make time to sit and work on my book. I have been trying to write this thing for years now, but it’s only about 15 pages at this point. I love writing. I really do… I don’t get why I so often forget that.

Oh, and the new Fall edition of the Tone It Up Nutrition Plan was released today, so that’s pretty darn rad.

Good night all!<3

Sentence Per Photo

Hey everyone! I’m currently sitting outside on this (extremely humid) summer night and enjoying the company of my family… So I think it is a sentence per photo kind of night =).

Gloomy runs are the best runs.

8 miles to start the day!

 

 

 

 

New shoes are super exciting.

There is no such thing as eating too many smoothie bowls.

 

 

 

 

Experimented with vegan scrambled eggs for my mom and it was a success!

Editing = hours of looking at myself making weird faces.

 

 

 

Also made greek yogurt “ranch dressing” with veggies for my relatives that are over!

 

Hope you are all having a wonderful evening!

A Commitment to Change

Hey!

Workout: 4 miles at 8:42 min/mile average pace + Turbo Fire HIIT 20.

I was pressed for time this morning, as I had to make a train into the city for my housing orientation. Although the commute into the city is only about a half an hour, between walking to the train station, the train ride, walking from the station to the subway, and taking the subway to my building… It takes a long time.

I was honestly really freaking out about orientation today. The prospect of meeting new people in itself is enough to throw me into a state of panic, throw that on top of being in a new environment with knowing absolutely no one, and being sicker than I have been in a  long long time (I was coughing up a lung the entire orientation, girl know how to make a first impression =P)… It was just a mess.

It did wind up being a lot better than I thought it would be though! We played icebreaker games (my least favorite thing to do) and I met a couple of really sweet girls that live on my floor. Already I can tell that the bulk of people at my new school (at least those living on my floor) radiate a much better energy than those at my old school did. I didn’t get that snobby “I’m so much better than you,” and, “All I want to do is drink and party,” vibe from anyone, so I’m happy about that =).

Also, can we just discuss the epic-ness that was last night’s VMAs?!?!

Like… How? I’m not fully convinced that Beyonce is not actually a robot. One person can not be this talented and flawless while also being a good person.

And what about Miley’s charity? I loved it.

I just live for award shows though. They are one of my (many) guilty pleasures.

Now onto a more serious topic.

I’m sure that you all are sick of hearing me complaining about the fact that I have gained weight. I’m getting sick of listening to myself complain about it as well. Thing is, I just cry and complain and self-destruct instead of actually doing anything productive to not only stop this process, but to move towards health.

I just let myself remain stuck.

And I’m sick of it.

I don’t know if it is because I have a fever and that is making me overly emotional or what, but I am filled with such a drive to change what I am doing with my diet because I know for a fact that it is not working.

Typically, before I fell into this diet rut, I was eating a predominantly plant-based diet. I was by no means vegan, but was eating vegetarian about 90% of the time, and about 80% of that was vegan. I would have meat in the form of either seafood or chicken maybe once a week, if even that, and the only dairy I was intaking was my lactose free cottage cheese (I really love that stuff) and my occasional froyo (I will never give it up.. I’m sorry). I was eating a higher carb diet with a lower fat and protein count. I was not intentionally trying to limit my fats or my protein, I just happen to enjoy fruits and veggies and starches over most fat and protein sources.. So that was what I ate.

And I was actually feeling good.

One lasting ailment that my eating disorder left me with is a plethora of digestive issues. There is barely a day that goes by without me having a stomach issue of some sort, whether it be extreme pain, bloating, or something else. When I was eating a higher carb and lower fat and protein diet, my digestive issues lessened significantly.

Recently, I can barely stand up, let alone leave the house, due to the amount of pain that my stomach is in. Yesterday, I had to cut my long run short by a mile, and almost wound up cutting my already short run even shorter today due to my stomach feeling so horrible.

So what do I do?

I know that I need to make a change… The only thing is, I don’t even know where to begin. Part of me feels like I should just do the whole raw food thing that seems to basically have become a type of cult recently. But I don’t want to do that. I could also go fully vegan. I don’t want to do that either.

I don’t want to cut out any more foods from my already limited diet. I can’t. Even if it is better for my body, even if I do want to eventually go vegan (although I am not sure if that will ever really happen), I know that I am not mentally in the place to do so. I know that a drastic change to my diet would send me spinning back down the rabbit hole into the arms of my dark passenger. I know that I would get obsessive and unhealthy and that it would just lead to my issues with food manifesting in a whole new way.

However, I do know that I need to go back to really limiting the amount of animal products that I ingest, as well as cut down a little on the amount of fats that I am ingesting. I have been eating way too many nuts and way too much nut butter lately, and I find that it is after eating a large (for me) amount of these things that my stomach starts feeling funny. The symptoms are especially prevalent if I eat high fat foods right before running.

As far as protein goes, I am in no position, nor do I have any desire, to limit my intake of it. However, I am not going to constantly freak out about needing to get a ton of protein with each meal. I would rather my meals be based around vegetables with my protein as a small compliment to the meal than it being the other way around.

I also need to stop with my constant snacking.. I honestly think that I may take in more calories through my snacking all day than I do from my actual meals. Yeah, it’s that bad.

Some other goals I have for myself include finishing Dr. Cambell’s (the author of The China Study) book Whole.

 It is a really great read and I was truly enjoying it. I just haven’t been making the time to sit and read it. I believe that I will be able to get a lot out of this book, and hope to read The China Study as well. I am also contemplating reading one of Dr. McDougall’s books. I am not quite sure which one I should go for, or it will even be beneficial to me. For all I know, it could just be another cult favorite book geared towards the members of a certain movement. I have just heard great things about McDougall’s program, but I will need to do a bit more research on him, his work, and those that follow his lifestyle before purchasing anything from him.

With going away to school and having to be very careful about what groceries I buy, live on a strict budget, and cook my meals in my dorm room with nothing but a microwave and a Magic Bullet, I feel that now is as good a time s ever to really revamp the way that I am eating.

I am so sick and tired of being upset over my appearance and actually being embarrassed by the way I eat and my eating habit.

It is time to make a change. Let’s see what happens.

Question(s): What is the best diet/lifestyle book that you have ever read?

Thinking Out Loud 8.21.2014

Hey!

Wow, I’m actually posting something… And it’s on a Thursday, so you know what that means!

Shout out, as always, to this link up’s lovely host.

1. Workout – 5 miles easy.

I have both a chest and head cold, so it goes without saying that this run was pretty meh. I had originally planned on going to the gym for some speed work before therapy, but I spent so much time talking myself out of it that I wound up too pressed for time… So a run it was! I almost stopped after 3 miles, but I didn’t have the time to walk the 2 miles home (I was running an out and back route)… So there’s that!

I normally do two a day workouts, but I was feeling so crummy all day that I wound up not doing anything but lying around and doing school things for a bulk of the day. I have to say, I am feeling extremely guilty and lazy and gross. Like I have mentioned a million times lately, I am gaining weight. Unfortunately, since I am very inclined to fall into unhealthy exercise and food habits, I have been feeling more and more pressure to workout as much as physically possible. This has resulted in my feeling lethargic, sick, and weak. I actually think that overtraining, in addition to stress, not sleeping, and grieving largely contributed to how sick I currently am.

2. New video went up on my Youtube channel yesterday!

Just me sharing a couple of things that I picked up from the thrift shop (I’m gonna pop some tags…) the other day. I know, so exciting right? Haul videos are actually one of my biggest internet guilty pleasures. I don’t know what it is, but I just love watching them… Even if they do just make me think about all of the things that I can’t afford.

*dramatic sigh*

3. I did a thing.

Yes, it is actually green. Yes, it is actually that neon (no editing or enhancing). Yes, I may regret it kinda-sorta a lot. I didn’t think I dyed as much of it as I did… So now I have neon green hair. Not exactly the best way to avoid attention when you go out in public.

3. I am supposed to move into my dorm on Saturday. I am dreading it more than anything to the point that I am in complete denial of my actually having to go.

I don’t know if it is due to how traumatic my experience at my last university was, or if it just my severe anxiety over change… But I just really don’t feel like I can handle this. I am dreading it so much, but I should be excited.

Everyone I am friends with on Facebook is posting about how unbelievably excited they are to be going back to their colleges to their dorms and their lives and their friends. So why am I not? Am I really that much of a failure that I can’t even handle school?

I truly don’t know what to do. I am at a point where I don’t even know if college is right for me. Thing is, I can’t afford not to go.

Yes, I could live at home and take classes at my local community college. That would be comfortable. That would be safe. But there is no room for growth there. Yes, I would have significantly less anxiety over school if I were to go the community college route. But I would never get out of this rut that I am in. I would get up, go to class, come home, and repeat. Every. Single. Day.

I wouldn’t have anything driving me to branch out and meet people (not that I am really feeling up to doing that yet), or to get involved. I wouldn’t have anything pushing me to start living. I would continue to just exist. I would continue to waste this blessed life that I was given.

I don’t know. I really don’t know what to do. I am excited for my classes. I am excited to be in the city everyday. I am not excited to live away from home. I am not excited to not have access to everything that I am used to and accustomed to. I have a set routine that I live my life by, and I get panicky just thinking about not being able to stick to my standard routine. Throw in the fear that I am going to have a roommate that judges me or thinks I’m weird or crazy or one that bullies me like I did last year into the mix and you have the recipe for a full-on breakdown.

I’m just really not ready for this. But I have no other option. I really hope that I can get my head on straight soon, because right now I feel like nothing but a failure, not only to my family, but also to myself.

Wow, this just got real depressing real fast. I’m sorry guys, I’m just at a rough point in my life I guess and this blog, while I really want it to be a positive place, is my one and only outlet. Like, you guys reading are the only people that I really have to talk to. So, if you do read this blog or watch my Youtube videos, I just hope that you know how unbelievably grateful I am to you.

I hope you all have a wonderful night and I will talk to you tomorrow. Got to get back on that being-consistant-with-my-blogging grind!

Oh, and I just want to leave you with this quote that I found.

=)

Music Makes Me Feel Alive…

Hey!

I have no idea why, but up until about 5 minutes ago, I was thoroughly convinced that today was Monday. I had just had breakfast, was making some green tea, and was going to sit down and write a Mental Health Monday post. Gosh, I felt so on top of things and productive… But apparently it’s Sunday. Whoops. So I have to changing gears a bit! Workout: My knee felt a little bit off today, so I figured it would be best to stick with a low-impact workout. Enter the stair master! I went for one of my go to stair master workouts from Blogilates. As per usual, I adjusted the workout a bit to cater to my needs (I swapped minutes 28-35 with 35-45 and upped the steps per minute by about 10 for everything except for the warm up and cool down). I have to say, I don’t feel like I get the best workout in regards to my heart rate increasing and calorie burning when I do the stair master… I do, however, feel like a flipping beast. I actually remember my first attempt at the stair master. It was a couple of years ago, I had just come off of cross country season and was looking for a good way to cross train. Woman cannot survive on the elliptical alone (actually you can, but I just really wanted to try and be funny… fail), so I decided to hop on the stair master since it seemed like a great way to work my legs. I think I lasted 10 minutes… 15 at most. And this was right after cross country season, so I was definitely in shape. Better shape than I am currently. However, the muscles required for the stair master are obviously different than those used in running. I don’t know, it’s just kind of nice to be able to look back on that while I am doing a stair master workout as a reminder that I really have come far on this fitness journey of mine. Not my best smoothie bowl. I still don’t have acai, so I made it with non-fat greek yogurt and it wound up just making me feel pretty sick. Normally, even though I am lactose intolerant, I can take greek yogurt due to the probiotics in it… Today was obviously not one of those days. So last night was pretty rad.   That photo was actually taken by my friend Cody (he’s pretty much the only friend I ever talk about on this blog… So if I ever say my best friend, I mean Cody) because I am approximately two feet tall and couldn’t see anything. He saw my struggle to get a photo and offered to take a few for me. What an angel that kid is. I’m sure that I have mentioned this before on here, but I live for live music. This summer alone I have seen Fall Out Boy, Paramore, State Champs, Yellowcard, Motionless in White, Mayday Parade, Front Porch Step, Say Anything, The Front Bottoms, Bowling for Soups, and now… Brand New!

(I took this one… I may have had to stand on my tippy-toes to get it.)

If you have never heard of Brand New before, I strongly suggest that you check them out. Some of the songs I would recommend include: “Jesus/Jesus Christ,” “Sic Transit Gloria Fades,” “Guernica,” “Degausser,” “Daisy,”… Ok, I would honestly suggest any and every song by them.

Have you picked up on the fact that they are one of my favorite bands yet?

I get chills just thinking about the fact that I got to see them perform that song (my all time favorite by them) live last night. It’s surreal to me.

I just had a really good night and I am so grateful to have been able to get the tickets (I had to sit at my computer and buy them the second that they went on sale… Brand New tickets always sell out immediately), was able to experience live music that really elicits a special, almost indescribably so, feeling of gratitude and happiness within me, and that I was able to share the experience with my best friend.

I am so thankful for the times that make me feel alive. I know that I have previously addressed that fact that most of the time, I feel as though I am not living but just simply existing… And last night made me feel alive.

I am just really happy.

 

Time To Live

Hey everyone!

I really need to start beginning my posts with something different than, “hey everyone” every. single. time.

Workout: 

Hit up the gym this morning some speed work!

Here’s how the workout goes:

3 minute warm up

6 minutes at tempo (7:30 min/mile)

3 minute recovery jog

5 minutes at tempo

2.5 minute recovery jog

4 minutes at tempo

2 minute recovery jog

3 minutes at tempo

1.5 minute recovery jog

2 minutes at tempo

1 minute recovery

1 minute at tempo

.5 minute recovery

3 minute cool down

This is one of my favorite workouts to do because it reminds me of tempo runs when I used to do cross country… Which just so happened to be, along with ladders, the workout that we all dreaded! When coach told us that the next day would be tempo day, we would spend the entire school day before practice freaking out! Obviously, we ran them much faster than I do now… Which kind of makes me feel crummy, but it also motivates me to really up my game with speed work and get back to where I once was!

Breakfast

You may need to sit down for this… I did something kind of crazy this morning.

I had something other than an acai bowl for breakfast!

And guess what? That’s not a bowl of oats that you’re looking at either!

Can you guess?

IT’S CAULIFLOWER!

I happened to be out of frozen acai packets, so I figured that it would be a good time to force myself to deviate from my usual breakfast routine (I am the very definition of a creature of habit) and try a recipe that I have been eyeing.

I first saw the idea for this grain free cauliflower-based “oatmeal” or, as they have been dubbed, cauli-oats, over on To Her Core  the other day and I have been thinking about it ever since.

It’s no secret that I love cauliflower… I mean, how can you not? It is probably one of the most versatile veggies out there. You can dip it, roast it, make it into pizza, make it into mashed potatoes, and now… You can even make it into a sweet breakfast!

If you think about it, we should all be inspired by cauliflower. It is the true physical embodiment of your ability to be anything that you want to be as long as you are willing to think out of the box and try.

Woah… Getting real deep over here on Snaps ‘n Flats…

Aside from the whole inspirational experience that is cauliflower… This breakfast was absolutely delicious! Mine didn’t come out quite as creamy and I had hoped, but it was still sweet and comforting and filling. You also definitely don’t taste it as cauliflower at all! I’ll definitely be making it again and am excited to try new flavor combinations. I kind of want to make chocolate cauli-oats… But the idea of chocolate and cauliflower together kind of turns my stomach.

Some other new things happening over here:

I attempted to cut and dye my hair and it kind of sort of came out as a disaster.

I think that since the color was a pale mint color, I was supposed to bleach my hair white… But I wasn’t willing to do that to my hair so I just kind of went for it and now it’s all patchy and weird.

Yay.

Last night I also forced myself to leave the house (I have been having a hard time doing that lately) to meet up with my family for dinner on the beach.

Going out to eat, especially when it is with a large group of people, is always difficult for me. I have never been one to really enjoy going out to dinner, and now it’s at a point where it just makes me anxious. Part of my anxiety and food issues is control or a lack-thereof, and not having control over exactly what is going into the food I am eating, the portion sizes, and how the food is prepared just really makes me uneasy.

That being said, I am always super proud of myself when I do go out and eat without any issues. It shows that I really have made some progress, even if I don’t feel like I have!

We started off our meal with steamed mussels as our appetizer. We got two orders, one with red sauce and one with white and they were so flipping good! The mussels also came with bread (my favorite thing ever) for dipping and I think I ate a whole loaf.

Whoops…

For my meal, I opted for the Manhattan clam chowder with a side of steamed veggies.

Any restaurant that gives you a plate of vegetables that is larger than your head is a winner in my book. The soup was also just as good as it looks.

 

I also had a taste of my mama’s food (she got sesame tuna tacos with sweet potato fries) and I don’t know if it’s just because I don’t know the last time I had a sweet potato fry or what… But those fries were probably the greatest ones I have ever tasted. They had absolutely zero grease (greasy things sit in my stomach and make me feel sick) and had some pepper on them which contrasted so nicely with the sweetness of the… well… the sweet potato.

Fresh ahi tuna is always a winner in my book, so that was great too.

Also, we ate outside, and I guess the view wasn’t too bad.

Something that I am really trying to work on is actually living my life.

I have always been an introverted person. I cherish my time alone and am ok with not always going out… But my already introverted personality has been amplified by my anxiety to a point where it is crippling.

I actually have a whole post about introverted personalities vs. social anxiety in my head that I need to post because I feel like all too often people think that they are one in the same… But that couldn’t be less true.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I close myself off from the world and I am sick of it. I don’t spend enough time with the people that I love and cherish more than anything because I’m too afraid of putting myself into a situation where I may have anxiety.

I don’t know, I just feel like I need to really acknowledge and admit to these bad… habits(?) that I have fallen into and that I need to change. I’m sick of just existing instead of really living.

So I am happy that I went out with my family last night. It sounds small and menial, but it was a large step for me and I am so happy that I did. I got to see my cousins and my cousin’s fiancé and my aunt… Just some really important people in my life.

It was also one of the first days where it felt like summer, which is kind of sad given that I only have two weeks until Summer!

So, I’m going to make the most of these next two weeks =).

Now I have a concert to get ready for. So excited!

I hope you all have an amazing day!

 

 

Friday Favorites 8.8.2014

Hey everyone! We have made it through another week!

Workout: 8 mile steady state run at an 8:38 min/mile average pace.

I don’t know what happened while I was asleep last night, but I actually woke up feeling motivated and energized! Last night, I didn’t even want to run (like I said, I’ve been having a rough time lately), and even upon waking up this morning I was doubting that I would even complete the 7 miles that I had planned on doing.

Well, the run went to so well that I wound up doing 8 miles instead of 7! Don’t you love it when that happens?

I felt great for a majority of my run, although I will say that my stomach started really acting up at about 6.5 miles in and I almost wound up stopping… But I pushed through and I don’t regret it!

It also didn’t hurt that my Pandora was on point today.

I actually squealed when this song came on. It was the intro to one of my absolute favorite video games growing up (actually, they are still coming out with games in this series), Kingdom Hearts. This just made my entire day.

 

 

 

n

 

A fail on my part was wearing capris to run in the summertime. I don’t understand why I decided to do that. Oh wait, maybe it’s because I really need to do laundry.

Now, let’s talk about some things that I have been loving this week!

For this week’s Friday Favorites, I thought that I would spice things up a bit and do something a little bit different.

As you all probably know (given the obnoxious number of times that I have mentioned it), I run a fashion and beauty Youtube channel. I really love it.. Like, I started the channel because it was something that I had been wanting to do since my freshman year of high school and had never had the confidence in myself/appearance to do so… Heck, I still don’t. But I was sick of telling myself why I couldn’t do it and I was tired of regretting not having made one all those years ago. So I have been consistently making weekly videos for a couple of months now.

And I am loving every second of it.

That being said, you all know that I love health and fitness… I mean, those things are pretty much the focus of this blog. But I am passionate about other things to, fashion being one of them. I just think it’s so wonderful and beautiful when people express who they are though their own individual fashion senses. That’s actually one of the things that I am most excited for about moving to New York City in a couple of weeks, the street style. People aren’t afraid to dress however they please in NYC and it is wonderful.

Ok, I’m going off on a tangent. What I was getting at is that I thought that I would share some of my favorite fashion finds of this week courtesy of my fall wish list Pinterest board!

1. Cat and Dog Suede Flats from Oasap

I have actually been eyeing these for over a year now, but have not been able to justify spending the money on them! There is a sale going on right now, so part of me wants to just suck it up and buy them… I know that they are definitely not going to be everyone’s taste, but I really love how both shoes are different and I think that they will add a fun youthful and quirky element to any outfit.

2. Sporty T-Shirt Dress from Topshop

Topshop is always a hit or miss for me… And more often or not, when it is in fact a hit… It’s a miss as far as pricing goes. This t-shirt dress is one of their newer products and I am absolutely OBSESSED! I love t-shirt dresses, and the almost iridescent material and sport jersey-like cut of this one is so unique and cool! I will say that it seems a bit long on the model, so that would mean that it would basically be down to my ankles since I am about two feet tall.

3. Chicwish Collared Dress

Another clothing item that I have been eyeing for quite some time. I love the sheer detailing on the shoulders and the silhouette of this dress. I’m not sure I am girly looking enough to pull it off, but I sure would like to try!

4. Yet another beautiful Chicwish dress.

It may be a bit early for this, but this dress just screams, “holiday season,” to me!

5. And finally, it’s not actually a clothing item… But, I may just need to get this backpack from Store Envy

 

 

I really want a timeless and chic bag for school that will also be practical for carrying all of my school necessities to and from my classes and I think this backpack may just be it!

Although, knowing me, I would get the white way too dirty!

 

So that’s it! I hope you enjoyed =).

 

Question(s):

What’s something you have been loving this week?

Do you like any of my favorites? Would you wear any of them? Let me know!

 

 

Orientation And I Really Like Salad Bars

Hey everyone!
I’m feeling a little bit more ok than I did yesterday. Still feeling really bad body-image wise and I’m feeling very unmotivated workout wise… But my anxiety hasn’t been bad today so I am thankful for that!

Workout:

This morning started off with a 5:30am wakeup call to complete Insanity Pure Cardio before having to get ready and leave for the train into the city for orientation!

The high point of my morning was the fact that I got this coffee for free.

 

I was in desperate need of coffee, so I grabbed a cup from the coffee “shop” (it’s a table in the waiting area) at my train station… Only to realize that I didn’t have any cash on me.

I apologized a million times to the guy working and as I went to walk away he told me that I could just take the coffee with me.

God bless the good people in the world.

My day also included getting kicked in the shin by a woman on the subway because I was too close to her (it’s a crowded New York City subway.. there was no where else for me to be) and winding up on the wrong train home and winding up stranded in a town pretty far from home without any phone (it had died).

Such fun.

On the up side, orientation went well and I feel like I know the school a little bit better now! Apparently there are 4 levels to the basement of the main building and there is a gym, racquetball courts, and fitness studios down there for students to use. How cool is that?

Also, THEY HAVE SPIN CLASSES! I haven’t taken a spin class since school ended because you need to sign up for spin at my gym 24 hours in advanced and I always get too freaked out to call the gym… So I’m super excited to be able to get back into it once school starts! I also really want to try to get my spin instructor’s certification this year. I had meant to get it last January, but life happened and I never got around to it.

I really do love the city.

 

 

And it’s been a while since I have posted a creepy photo of myself on the good ‘ol blog, so here you go.

Another thing I realized today is that I have an unnatural obsession with salad bars. I don’t know if it’s because they seem to be nonexistent where I live or that I like the idea of serving myself things or what, but I literally can never pass up a good salad bar.

I went into one of the little food marts in Penn Station to get a drink and walked out with this little snack. The roasted cauliflower got me. I looked so good that I couldn’t pass it up. There were also some (insanely good) mushrooms and squash(es?) in there with sweet potato and a small portion of cole slaw because apparently I love that all of a sudden.

Oh! And beets!

When I finally got home, I found out that my mom was/is really sick and was in bed so I went out to get some soup for her.

And wound up picking up a small portion of goodies from the grocery store’s salad bar…

This may be the grossest looking photo I have ever seen.

The only issue that I have with salad bars is the fact that they go by weight and me, being the cheap person that I am, always wind up getting pretty much nothing but still having to pay a lot because I tend to gravitate towards the heavier items like beets.

Seriously though, there are no places that I know of with good salad bars where I live. Heck, the closest Whole Foods is almost  45 minutes away! Yes, I do love the salad bar at that wonderful establishment… but not enough to drive for over an hour for it.

You know where seems to have good salad bars? Utah. I always see Janae and Megan posting these awesome salads (um… I need to experience Cafe Rio at some point in my life) and now I’m just thinking about food and rambling about salads and I think that that may indicate that it is time for bed.

A lot to get done tomorrow. I will talk to you all then!

Goodnight!

A Couple of Reasons To Smile

Workout:

Tried a new type of interval training from Women’s Health called the B.I.T.E method. You can read about it here. I’m not 100% sure how I feel about it yet. I set 6mph as my start point (which can I just say is SO FLIPPING HARD on incline 8) and added .1 to all of the increases to make it a little bit more challenging. I’m going to need to do it a couple more times and adjust it accordingly before I decide how I feel about this type of training. Always fun to try something new though!

Hey guys!

So it’s been a couple of days since my last post. For the most part, I took a little break from social media in it’s entirety. Didn’t post. Didn’t read blogs.

I did put a picture on instagram though…

I really wish that I could give you some deep and meaningful reason for my (short) hiatus from the world. I wish I could say that I was “taking time to embrace the world around my by cutting ties with the electronic devices that have taken so much from our society and blah blah blah…”

But I can’t.

If I’m completely honest, I have just been spiraling downward lately and it got to a point where I just shut down completely.

I really am trying to keep this blog a positive place, I swear. But at the same time, I can’t be fake… Even if it’s through a computer. I can’t write about my day with enthusiasm while I am actually falling apart.

So I just didn’t post anything.

Again, I don’t want to post too many negative things on here, so in a nutshell, I had severe panic attacks two days in a row, one of them being in the movie theatre with my best friend and the other one being at work.

Yup. At work.

I actually started shaking and crying and my coworker sent me to the restroom to try to calm down and I couldn’t and she was so unbelievably sweet and kind to me and went to talk to my manager who pulled me aside and, after speaking with me and being far kinder to me than I deserved, sent me home.

And that was that, my last day working that job… And I feel pathetic. Why can’t I handle something as simple as a part time job?

Woah. Ok. Those thoughts aren’t for this place.

Anyway, I left work and contemplated just driving home. Instead, I decided to take the initiative and try to do something positive for my mind and body instead of laying on the floor at home feeling sorry for myself (unfortunately, it is my first instinct to do this when things get bad). So I got myself a coffee with all the fix-ins and drove myself to the beach to take a therapeutic walk along the boardwalk while the sun set.

I know this probably seems ridiculous, but I am actually proud of myself for going on this walk. For whatever reason, while a majority of me wants to get better and live a happy and normal life, there is a small part of my brain that is holding onto my mental illnesses with all that it has.

And this part of my brain is strong.

I am so resistant to anything that can possibly help me get better. Even when we are doing our work in therapy I can feel my brain screaming, “No! I don’t want this!”

And how is that productive?

So what I’m saying is, just the fact that I took the initiative to drive to the beach, a place that has always brought me great joy, and go for a walk instead of driving home where it’s “safe” is a big step for me.

We live in a really amazing world, and I hate that so many of us don’t realize it or can’t realize it. There is so much happening, whether it be mental illness, business, or just plain disinterest, that is keeping us from truly living the lives that we should be living.

I want to travel. I want to see the world. You know that feeling where you look up at the sky and it’s so beautiful that it almost feels like you are seeing it for the first time?

I want to experience that more.

I want to be happy.I want everyone on this planet to be happy.

That being said, I just wanted to share with you a couple of things to smile about today.

1. Trying new treats!

Ok, maybe this pertains only to me… But I went grocery shopping and found some new goodies to try. This makes me a lot happier than it probably should.

2. This article on instagram and what pictures make it look like is happening vs. what’s really going on.

You’ll laugh. I promise.

3. Munchkin kittens.

Their little legs… I can’t.

4. Not a cat person? I got you.

5. Don’t like animals? Here’s some cute breakfast foods with faces.

 

Still not smiling?

Go outside, take a deep breath of fresh air, and remember how lucky you are to be here on this earth. It sounds corny, but it’s true, and it’s something that we as humans too often forget.

 

 

Thank you for reading. Hopefully I’ll be back in the swing of things tomorrow. I have orientation for college in the morning. Oh gosh.

WIAW 7.30.2014 – On The Road Again

Hey guys!

It’s Wednesday… You know the drill.

Shout out to our lovely host for making this awesome link up possible!

Workout – Yesterday, my mom and I drove out to the Hamptons again (we just went last week) just to stay the night… So naturally, I was more than just a little stoked to be able to run out there this morning!

 

My legs were super dead, so I set out with the intention of running 5 easy miles… Well, I wound up running 7 and walking 8. It was just so pretty and peaceful and the weather was perfect!

My mind said yes, my body said no. I don’t know if I will be out in the Hamptons again this summer though, so I really wanted to experience as much of it as I could. How dead my legs are going to be tomorrow will be so worth it.

Pre-Run: 

Since we were only staying at my grandpa’s house in the Hamptons for one night, we didn’t bring any food with us, so there was nothing in the house.

To give myself a little bit of energy to power through my run, I snacked on some of the dried mango that I always keep in my car for… y’know… emergencies =P.

Breakfast/Lunch/Snacks: By the time my mom was up and ready to go into town for breakfast, it was almost noon! Needless to say, I was starving.

Wow, this picture didn’t look this blurry and awful on my phone… Whenever I’m in the Hamptons, or away in general, I like to treat myself to coffee that could pass as a dessert. This baby has both vanilla soy milk and white chocolate raspberry (lactose free!!) creamer in it. Mmm!

Also, no Hamptons trip is complete without stopping at our favorite health food store for some mixed nuts (unpictured… but I basically ate my body weight in them) and other goodies from the bulk bin!

 

 

Weird combination of food, I know. I wanted fruit (KIWI!!!!), but then those roasted veggies looked so good that I just had to get them too.

 

 

I am obsessed with these Bai drinks.

Coffee #2

 

The next couple of hours were enjoyed laying out by the water, reading my book, and enjoying some of the mixed nuts and other goodies (I am currently obsessed with crystalized ginger) while my mom walked around town.

That cube thing is a chocolate-chia-chunk made with nuts, dried fruits, and chia seeds. Tastes like a cookie! So good!

Then it was time to hit the road where more of the mixed nuts and treats were enjoyed.

When I got home, I got straight to making dinner for my mom (she stepped on a bee right before we left and her foot is scary-movie-esque swollen so I wanted to take care of her as much as possible) and making potatoes and eggs (a super simple family recipe that my grandma passed down to my dad who passed it down to me) for my grandpa as a thanks for letting us use his house.

Whole wheat pasta with mushrooms, spinach, broccoli, edamame, and shrimp in a miso-sesame-wine broth. Master chef over here.

I snacked on all of the stuff that I was making while I was doing it, and then I was so over cooking by the time that everything was ready that a snack plate for dinner seemed like the only viable option.

Although, when isn’t a snack plate a viable meal option for me?

Post dinner I had a black bean brownie with walnuts that I made the other day, and now I’m having some ginger tea to help my stomach… Because my digestive system obviously hates me and likes to cause me to have tear-jerker level pain.

Now it is time for sleep!

Oh wait, before I go…

While Wednesdays may mean WIAW over here on the blog… On my Youtube channel, hump day means something totally different.

A NEW VIDEO!

Hope you enjoy =).

Good night!

Question(s):

Best thing you ate today?

Any current food/meal obsessions?