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This Was Supposed To Be A Five Things Friday Post.


Hey everyone! Who’s stoked it’s Friday?

Workout – Insanity Plyometric Cardio Circuit.

So nice to be home for the weekend and able to do Insanity. I miss it when I’m at school! This morning’s workout was originally meant to be a run.. But I had to drive my mom to the train station and my brother to school and I wound up just not having enough time to get in the miles that I wanted to before having to get ready and leave for therapy.

This blog has officially become the most neglected thing in my life (ok, that may be a stretch). In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m not exactly a particularly interesting person, nor is my life all that exciting. I have a lot of thoughts that I would love to go on about and share with the world… But they don’t all exactly fit into a nice clean package. What I’m saying is that I am the very definition of a mess. I want to blog about health. I want to blog about eating disorder recovery. I want to blog about my life (who the heck would care about that?!). I want to blog about running. I want to blog about the environment. I want to blog about fashion. I want to blog about music. I just want to write. Basically, I am all over the place… And this results in my getting very overwhelmed (I get overwhelmed way too easily, it’s something that I am working on). Once I’m overwhelmed, I start spiraling down into an anxiety attack. After this begins, I begin to mentally tell myself off for my having no right to be overwhelmed when there are so many people (most people actually) who do so much more than me and get it all done and still have free time and social lives. This results in guilt. Which, you guessed it, results in more anxiety. And the kicker here? This all results in nothing getting done. Basically, I don’t know what I am doing with this blog. I think I put a lot of pressure on myself because I really would love for this blog to become something. It may sound pathetic, but the only type of job that I can see myself having any success in in the future is one that involves blogging or Youtube or anything of the like. Again, it sounds stupid. I know. I mean, I just sound like a spoiled little kid who doesn’t want to get a “real job” ever… Right? The thing is, just with the whole anxiety thing… Being trapped in an office all day or having a very strict schedule just seems like it would result in my having a meltdown. That all being said, hopefully if I keep working at it and meditating and going to therapy, I’ll be able to get over all of this depression and anxiety and then, who knows, maybe I will, somehow, have some actual success in something one day. I don’t really know. I just hope that it’s possible for me. I fee like such a dumb kid with a bad case of, “special snowflake,” syndrome. I know that so many people struggle with my exactly mental issues and I know that many people have it so much worse than me (I’m not saying I have a bad life by any means, just that I have a bad mental state)… And they have success in life and drive and they… They have lives. So who am I to think that I have the right to struggle? Who am I to keep screwing up? To haul myself up away from the world because it all just seems to big and scary and overwhelming? Who am I to think that I can maybe be someone one day instead of having to fall into the the routine of the endlessly getting up daily and going to work in a place that I hate so I can have money to support myself? Who am I to think that maybe I could be different? I just … I don’t know. Oh. As per usual, I sat down to write a light-hearted post about things I’ve been up to lately and instead wound up spewing out a whole bunch of nonsensical angst and musings. Welcome to Snapbacks And Racing Flats kids. But seriously… I apologize if you read my blog. Does anyone read this thing? Hellooooo? I’m currently sitting in a Starbucks with my coffee (blonde roast with soy milk is pretty delicious fyi) and am trying to somehow get my Youtube video that should already be up edited. DSCF3271

Yeah.. Um… this happened. I really wanted to do some sort of Halloween-themed video since I absolutely love Halloween but never get to celebrate it because, well, no friends. Unfortunately, I obviously have no idea why I am doing and my attempt at a Tim Burton’s The Corpse Bride themed makeup look wound up looking like… well… this.

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I also can’t even begin to explain to you what a mess I made of my dorm room while trying to maneuver all of the different face paints and things while filming.

I know that my Youtube channel isn’t exactly ground-breaking or entertaining or even quality… But I am really loving doing it. Aside from school, I feel that I don’t have menu things really driving me in life right now. Yes I have running and I want to train more and get my distance up and sign up for a half-marathon once I have the money… But other than that, I am really struggling to find a sense of purpose.

Now, I know that saying that my little Youtube channel with it’s couple of viewers gives me and my life meaning sounds pretty obscene… But, it does. My Youtube channel is an outlet for me to express myself and be creative and express myself.

It’s no secret that I struggle with self-esteem and body image and, well, human interaction. So this channel is really a way for me to challenge myself. I’m editing my video right now, and I can’t tell you how disgusted I am looking at this thing. Not only did I film this right after getting back from a run (probably not my best idea)… But I can see in in relation so some of my videos from the summer and it is so noticable in my face that I have put on weight.

Needless to say, I would rather not upload this thing.

But I’m going to. I am challenging myself to not care and to try and accept myself as I am and put myself out there. It’s terrifying… And exciting.

And now I am off to finish editing this video and go grocery shopping! Exciting times guys. Exciting times.

To end this post on a happy note, here’s a photo of an adorable puppy in a frog costume.

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Oh, you are so welcome.

I don’t know.

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Learning To Breathe


Hey everyone.

Yeah, I’m at a point where I need to stop pretending that this little piece of the internet that I’ve got here is intended to be a daily blog. I want it be a daily blog, and I believe that one day it probably will be… But at the moment, my mind is far too messy to post something of substance every day. And honestly, I’m stressed out about so much that the last thing I need is to be putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself to put up blog posts every day that no one really reads any way.

All that aside, I am actually feeling… Not positive exactly. Hopeful? Zen? I don’t know, I just feel slightly at peace with the world right now, and that is a wonderful thing. But more about that later.

Workout – I’M RUNNING AGAIN!

I tested the waters and tried to run for real for the first time in 2 weeks on Saturday and I did it and it was pain free and it was absolutely wonderful in every way shape or form, even if I had/have a really bad head cold and felt like my brain was rattling around in my head the whole time =P.

IMG_7965 IMG_7977Now, a reoccurring theme with me when it comes to coming off of injuries is that I instantly want to go out and run ALL THE MILES… But obviously, that’s not exactly the smartest way to go about getting into running and often results in me re-injuring myself.

So today I hit up the elliptical. I am so sick of the elliptical at this point it’s not even funny. That being said, I believe that tomorrow’s workout will also be an elliptical one. Oh the joy…

I also did some strength training for the first time in about five thousand years. I am the very definition of a cardio queen… I just find cardio to be about a billion and one times more enjoyable than strength training (this is why I love Insanity and other plyometric workouts so much, they combine cardio with resistance), but I really need to get back into the habit of strength training regularly. I used to be so religious about making sure to have a balance between my cardio and strength training, and I definitely felt a lot better when I was doing a little strength training regularly.

I worked my legs and flutes and I can already tell that I am going to be in pain tomorrow… But a good kind of pain!

Like I said earlier, my mind has been even more of a mess than it normally is recently… And this has resulted in my being behind on pretty much everything. I am just completely overwhelmed by life and the world and school and then I get even more upset because I know that most people do so much more than me and that I have no right to be as overwhelmed as I am.

I actually opened up my Japanese text book today to try to start on the ten pages of homework that I had to do and to study for the test I had in the subject tomorrow earlier and wound up curled up in a ball shaking and crying (like I said, I’m kind of pathetic) for a couple of hours and got nothing done. I think I have to drop the class, I can’t handle anything or focus on anything and there really is no hope in my passing that class in my current mental state… And I am so disgusted and embarrassed about this fact. I used to be a really smart person and a good student. I was an above average student my whole life, got into one of the most difficult high schools on Long Island, and wound up in the honors track (every class I took was honors) all without really trying all that hard. These days, I struggle to remember anything and everything. I retain nothing that I read or learn, and I feel like a straight up idiot. Tack that on top of feeling like I am letting down my mom by not excelling in school or at life. I mean… What do I do? I have no job because every time I get a job, I wind up having a panic attack on the job and having to quit in change. I am in no clubs because I am too scared of being around people… And now I’m dropping a class that I really can’t afford to drop? I just… I don’t know.

Oh, and there is no way that I am graduating on time. I just feel like I am nothing but a financial and emotional burned on my mom… And I hate it.

All that said, I really am so lucky to have the mother that I do. I called her today in the middle of a panic attack, meaning I was hysterical and not making much sense, and she was nothing but kind and understanding. I am so lucky and really don’t’ deserve the absolutely amazing people that I have in my life. I also cried to my friend Shannon (she’s been not he blog before!), who was my one friend and savior at my last college. She just listened and helped me think a little bit more rationally.

So what am I doing?

What I really wanted this post to be about was how at peace I am currently feeling… Or was feeling. Writing about all of that negative junk that I just did has me a little anxious again. Good job Erin =P. But really.

Something that I really want to focus on is bettering myself in any way that I can so I that I can get myself to, well, become myself. Right now I feel as though I am just trapped in this depressed shell and I can’t get out. There are so many things that I want to accomplish and that I can’t currently accomplish because I am just so stuck. It’s kind of hard to go out into the world and try to accomplish your larger-than-life dreams when you struggle to get yourself out of bed in the morning and often can’t leave your building because you are too disgusted by yourself to be seen by others. Again, I know I’m kind of ridiculous.

One small thing that I have been trying to for myself is start practicing yoga regularly. I am the kind of person that I get frustrated when I am not good at something instantly (which is ridiculous). I don’t like being considered a “beginner” in anything, I get embarrassed and frustrated… But to begin anything, you kind of need to be a beginner.

Last week, I signed up for the 15 day free trial on YogaGlo, a huge website full of hundreds of online yoga classes of all styles. Obviously, once the 15 days is up I am going to have to cancel my membership. I don’t have the money… But I thought it would be a good place to start!

Truthfully, I haven’t practiced every day like I had planned on doing… But I have practiced twice, so it’s a start.

Before sitting down to write this post, I did a 20 minute vinyasa flow for balance and followed it up with something very out of character for me.

Meditation.

Meditation is one of those things that I always know that I should do, but I can never actually get myself to do. My mind is just too busy and I get too anxious and antsy every time I try to meditate. Or I make the lame excuse that I don’t have time.

But tonight, something compelled me to give this highly praised practice another shot… And it was amazing.

The specific type of meditation that I did was called Isha Kriya, and the practice was led by Kathryn Budig. It was a simple guided practice done in a seated position. The meditation session in its entirety was 15 minutes in length and consisted of 3 different sections.

The first part was breathing and mantras. You inhaled and said, “I am not my body,” and exhaled saying, “I am not even my mind.” This portion lasted about 7 minutes.

Next was 7 receptions of breathing in and exhaling as a sound. I don’t know the technical term for this portion, but the point of the sound was that it caused vibrations in your solar pled.

The final part of the meditation was the par that I thought would be the worst for me. In fact. going into the practice, I didn’t even think that I would be able to finish it. This portion of the meditation was just simple silent meditation. Normally, this is when my mind floods with thoughts, and they are more often than not negative ones. However, crazily enough, this didn’t happen this time. I was somehow able to keep my mind almost completely devoid of any real thoughts… And it was amazing.

Once the session was over, I just kind of sat there in a trance for a little while. I just felt calm and at peace and… Hopeful. I want to get my creativity back. I want to start doing more of the things that I love. And I want to do them because I want to do them instead of doing them because I feel as though I will be a failure if I don’t do them.

I’m thinking that tomorrow I’m going to explore this amazing city a little bit and take some photos. Growing up, I was always super into photography, but now I rarely do it.

I also want to make time to sit and work on my book. I have been trying to write this thing for years now, but it’s only about 15 pages at this point. I love writing. I really do… I don’t get why I so often forget that.

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Oh, and the new Fall edition of the Tone It Up Nutrition Plan was released today, so that’s pretty darn rad.

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Good night all!<3

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Doing What I Love – Style Saturday 9.27.2014


Hey!

I feel the need to preface this post with saying that I am feeling quite a bit… not better per say… but, more… emotionally stable than I was yesterday. This means that this post won’t be nearly as cringey and melodramatic and depressing as yesterdays! Woohoo!

Workout – An hour of elliptical intervals. 

IMG_7504My leg is definitely feeling a little bit better than it did yesterday. It still hurts, but I was able to actually get down the stairs without having to crawl down them today! Baby steps people. Baby steps.

Now the main goal is to keep up with the R.I.C.Eing and not running (I have a bad habit of coming off of injuries the moment they start showing any signs of getting better… Needless to say, this results in reinsuring myself) or doing any other intense/high impact exercises.

Anyways…

When I originally decided to name this blog Snapbacks and Racing Flats, there was a reason behind my choice for this name. A reason that has since fallen to the side.

I originally started writing this blog in 2011, right after having recently been released from the hospital for anorexia and having lost my father. I called the blog Erin Learns To Live because, well, I really did have to relearn how to actually live this life of mine. My world had been turned upside down, I had been prisoner to my mental disorder. I didn’t know how to live life like a normal person should. Actually, I am still trying to learn how to live.

However, I wound up deleting all of my posts from that blog because I didn’t want this blog to be solely focused on my eating disorder. I wanted this blog to be about me, and I am so much more than my diagnosis.

Funny how it seems that this blog has really just become about exactly what I didn’t want it to be about. I think I had to accept that my eating disorder, my anxiety, my depression, they are all a part of me… And I cannot fully express myself without expressing my full self. And whether I like it or not, my diagnosis’s really are a part of me.

Digressing now… I renamed this blog Snapbacks and Racing Flats, because I wanted this blog to be about all of the things that I love in life… All of the things that make me, well, me. And I definitely have a lot of interests.

The two interests that stuck out to me the most were, of course, running (and just health and fitness in general) and fashion/beauty. Thus, Snapbacks and Racing Flats was born. I also really wanted to include music, since I love music more than anything… But my blog name was already longer than I wanted it to be haha.

Anyway, I really want to get back into expressing my whole self on this blog instead of just using it as a platform to rant and complain. That’s what Tumblr is for! =P

I made a couple of Style Saturday posts back in the day, and then, like most things that I start, fell off the routine of these posts as soon as things in life started getting to be too much.

So I want to reintroduce this series. I don’t know if it will be every week, or if you guys will even have any interest in it. For now, I just want to share some clothing items/outfits that I both found online and put together in sets on Polyvore. Eventually, if I can get a tripod/build up the confidence/build up my wardrobe, I would absolutely love to start doing weekly outfit posts… So we shall see!

Well, now that the world’s longest intro to a blog post is done… It’s time to share some outfits/clothing items that have excited for the upcoming autumn season!

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I don’t actually own anything with a peter pan collar as I am always unsure if I would be able to pull them off… However, I think they are absolutely adorable, especially when worn under an oversized sweater! I’m also a huge leggings girl and printed leggings are, in  my opinion, some of best statement pieces that one can add to a plain outfit. I feel that this outfit would look super cute with either a pair of faux suede maryjane flats or faux suede creepers!

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I feel that this outfit is just a prime example of how one can dress up super basic pieces to make an edgy and trendy outfit. I am currently on the hunt to find the perfect (affordable) black booties for winter. I feel that they are one of the most necessary pieces for fall/winter. Yet, I have never owned a pair! I really love the layered black shirt sleeves poking through from under the white top, and then you can never go wrong with throwing on a good anorak jacket over an outfit!

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This is just a compilation of jackets that I am currently drooling over from one of my favorite online shopping sites, Yesstyle. It is a site that sells asian fashion brands and I am obsessed with pretty much everything. Especially that pink moto jacket. Alas, it is over 200 dollars and will forever remain nothing more than a pin on my “epic wish list” Pinterest board *dramatic sigh*.

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Just an outfit that I would, and more likely than not, will be wearing very frequently this fall. I love velvet leggings and I really want to get a colored pair. Paired with all black everything else, the pop of color in the leggings really gives the outfit a special something without being too much.

Also, this outfit would be cozy comfy as anything!

And now, I am off to try to get some sleep giving that I haven’t gotten more than 5 hours of sleep in a night since May. I can slowly feel myself losing it.

Goodnight!

Question(s):

What clothing item are you most excited to wear this Fall?

Anyone hear any good music lately? I need some new jams (did I really just say jams?!)  to listen to!

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Injured Again


Hey guys.

I really am trying to get back into the swing of blogging. Like I said the other day, I miss it. And I am in desperate need of an outlet… Especially now.

Warning: this post is going to be even more depressing and lacking in energy than usual. It will also very likely be mildly melodramatic. Proceed with caution.

Workout – 30 minute interval cycling workout on the stationary bike + 25 minutes of intervals on the elliptical.

So, as the title kind of already says, I am injured. Again.

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My life for a while.

During my run the other day, I was feeling sharp, but not unbearable, pain in my inner ankle/calf region of my right leg. I figured that the muscle was just tight, as my calve muscles typically are, and that the hills of Central Park were just getting to me. I thought I just had to get used to the uneven terrain and hills of Central Park. Nothing to worry about. I was just thrilled that the deep blisters on my heels were finally recovered enough to be able to actually run without having to stop due to pain.

The next day, I did speed work on the treadmill and felt fine. Actually, I felt great. Such a great workout. I was stoked.

So after my workout, I packed up my things and went home for the long weekend. That evening, I noticed that the muscle in my leg was feeling very tight again. Again, I didn’t really think much of it.

I spent that night at my grandparents’ house, and laced up the next morning for a 5 mile run. Well, I made it about 3 miles before I was hobbling and crying from pain. Being my insane self… I forced myself to do at least one more mile… And then I had to stop. I couldn’t take it.

I had a therapy appointment and had to drive out about 45 minutes in severe pain. I made an appointment with my chiropractor for right after my therapy session and rushed there after. Unfortunately, due to the new health care laws, my chiropractor isn’t really able to spend as much time with each patient as she used to. So I was hooked up to the electric stim machine to loosen up the muscle for a while, and then she came in, looked at it, told me to go get an ace bandage, and wrapped my leg up with ice. She also worked on the muscle a little bit and I, one who has a VERY high pain tolerance, was sobbing. I can’t even explain the amount of pain.

Needless to say… She told me not to run. I, being the emotionally unstable person that I am, started, to my complete mortification, crying… Yup. Crying. Right there in front of everyone. I felt like the world was ending.

Like I said, quite the melodramatic post.

Here’s the thing, I had just come from therapy, and that already typically makes me more emotional that I usually am (and I am already a pretty emotional person). I had just had a great session, we spoke about how I have been scaring myself lately with how low I have been. I have been unable to find it in me to even text my best and only friend, let alone attempt to make new friends at my new school. I haven’t been able to find it in me to do my school work. Leaving my dorm to go to class is unbearable. My only salvation? Getting up and running every morning. Joanne (my absolutely amazing therapist) said how important it is for me that I even get up in the morning to run. It is the one thing that allows me to face the world. It is the one thing that makes me truly grateful for the body that I have and that makes me think about how much I truly love this world. It is the one thing that keeps me going and feeling like maybe I may have some sort of purpose in this world. I spend most of my time feeling like a failure. I don’t know what I am doing with my life. I don’t know what I am meant to do. I don’t know what my purpose is. I hate my body. I don’t have friends and I don’t feel as though I can handle having friends right now, yet I am terrified that I will now be alone forever. I feel as though I am wasting my college experience and that I am wasting my life.

But running makes me feel a glimpse of hope. It is the one thing that can actually make me feel ok about myself.

With my being in such a truly terrible place right now… I need my running now more than ever. And I can’t do that.

On top of that, I have no idea when I will be able to run again. It is my favorite season for running right now, and it only lasts a few weeks. Also, like I addressed the other day, I have gained weight and I am not ok with this… And now I really can’t workout except for the bike.

I am just at a complete loss. And I know that I am being stupid and dramatic and trust me, I of all people know that there are much worse things in this world than a temporary injury preventing me from running. It is just that I have really been scaring myself recently and running was my only salvation. I just feel like it is always something going wrong and I just don’t know what to do. Also, my mobility is very limited. I have trouble getting up and down the stairs due to pain, and walking is painful and problematic… I am not good at sitting an doing nothing. Again, I feel as though I am wasting time.

I just don’t know.

Sorry! I’ll try to be more positive tomorrow. I just really needed to vent.

On a more positive note… I put up a new makeup tutorial today! It’s a fall look inspired by the iconic autumn drink, the pumpkin spice latte. Hope you enjoy!

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*Hecka Kawaii* And August Favorites


Hey everyone! Happy Friday!

Workout – Treadmill interval “endurance workout”

5 minute walk/jog warm up

Ladder:

1 minute fast

1 minute jog

2 minutes fast

1 minute jog

3 minute fast

1 minute jog

2 minutes fast

1 minute jog

1 minute fast

1 minute jog

(Repeat entire ladder one more time)

5 minute cool down.

All done at level .5 incline.

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I’m really wishing that I was home right now.

Today is the first day that I don’t have class since I came to school, meaning that is the first day that I am not harried and rushing around. This means that I have time to, well, think about things. And thinking about things leads to homesickness in my case.

The problem with the school that I attend is that it is largely a commuter school. This means that most of the student population (about 80% if I’m not mistaken) simply get on the subway, go to class, get back on the subway, and go home. This doesn’t leave much opportunity for meeting people or creating friendships.

In a traditional college setting, interacting with others and creating close bonds super quickly is extremely important. You are away from your home and your family and your friends. You are essentially completely alone, and this creates a sense of urgency in creating a relationship with the people around you. This way you feel less alone.

Now don’t get me wrong, I kind of thrive on being alone. My roommate hasn’t been here (I literally have only met her once and it was for about 5 minutes), so it has just been me. I wake up, I do my thing, I walk to school, I explore, I run errands. I lie being on my own. I am a deeply introverted person. That is not to say that I don’t like people (I actually did a whole post on introverted personality types and the stigma surrounding the introvert), I love people. I think people are great and I love interacting with others. That being said, I prefer to be alone most of the time.

And I feel bad about that.

The thing is, while I love being alone, I don’t love feeling alone. I also don’t love the fact that I keep thinking that if I don’t make super close friends as soon as possible, that I will be alone forever.

I want to have a great group of friends. I want to interact with others… Just not right now.

Does that make any sense?

I don’t know, I just don’t want to be friendless for the rest of my life. That is no way to live.

Moving on…

Due to the fact that I had some free time today, I decided to make good use of that time and head out to the Kinokuniya Bookstore (it’s the greatest place ever, let me tell you) to get the textbook that I needed for my Japanese class. I could have just gotten it through my school’s bookstore, but apparently I was going to get a 10% student discount at Kinokuniya, so I couldn’t pass that up.

Also, the idea of a Japanese store just was really really exciting.

And exciting it was. It was pretty much my definition of heaven on earth.

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An book of art from my favorite mangaka of all time, Arina Tanemura. The detail in her art is seriously unreal. I mean, look at that.

 

 

 

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Manga. Manga. MANGA!!!!

 

 

 

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I need that giant Rilakkuma plush in my life… I also need that Hello Kitty bento box.

Yup.

 

 

 

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Yes, I did wind up impulsively buying something, but I am proud of myself because I only bought one thing instead of the whole store.

Unless you count the coffee and Ume (pickled plum) Onigiri (Japanese rice ball) that I got from the cafe that was in the store…

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I wound up with a Japanese fashion magazine. I am obsessed with all things Japan… But their fashion is one of the things that I am the most in love with. I love it all from the ruffle-y hyper girly “kawaii” doll-like fashion to the more grunge Harajuku style fashion. It’s all so over the top and I love it so much.

All the fun aside, I did actually get what I was supposed to… i.e. my textbooks. My wallet hurts.

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My brain also hurts.

 

After I finally pried myself out of Kinokuniya (I seriously could just live there), I walked across the street into Bryant Park to drink my coffee, get some work done, and enjoy the beautiful weather.

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I also purchased 8 dollars worth of salad from Whole Foods and my wallet hurts even more now. I need to stop doing that.

And now, to go off and eat my overpriced salad whilst attempting to teach myself Japanese!

 

Oh, and if any of you have any interest in listening to me talking about makeup, fashion items, music, books, and other things that I loved last month… There’s a video for that!

 

Have a great night! 

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Thinking Out Loud 9.4.2014 – A Ton Of Thoughts And Questions


Hey everyone!

It’s my favorite day (blog post wise) of the week!

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Thanks Amanda!

 

1. Workout – 6 miles in Central Park to start my day!

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Recycled (and blurry!) photo because I didn’t actually take any in the park this morning.

I stuck to the standard run/bike road today instead of venturing off onto the other trails. This was partially due to the fact that I didn’t feel like running uphill anymore than I needed to (although, I will say that a majority of this run was still uphill.. The climbs just weren’t as steep as they would have been if I had ventured off of the main trail) and partially because it was early in the morning and I felt more comfortable being around a lot of people than being on my own. 

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2. I go to Fairway way too often.

Also, the Fairway near where I currently live is absolutely nothing compared to my local Fairway back home. I miss it.

 

 

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I really can’t keep going to the grocery store/buying coffee/spending money every day… But I just really “needed” more dark chocolate covered ginger (I shouldn’t keep that stuff around, let me tell you), crystalized ginger (again… dangerous), and pretzels (Fairway carries the best super thin whole wheat pretzel sticks ever). Needed…

 

4. Breakfast. Same as per usual + crumbled Weetabix. A winning idea. 

I also have been putting my yogurt in the freezer in the morning upon waking up so that it will be slightly frozen to a froyo like consistency by the time I have worked out, showered, and am ready to eat.

 

 

 

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4. So that yogurt…

Last night, I watched the very well known and well loved documentary Forks Over Knives.

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I have been wanting to watch this documentary for quite some time now. I loved the idea of a documentary that focused on a whole food, plant based diet that used facts, numbers, science, and testimonials over scare tactics and horror-movie like scenes of animals being tormented that you find in most “go vegan” type films.

Also, since I have been reading Dr. Cambell’s Whole book and Dr. McDougall’s Starch Solution, I found myself even more motivated(?) to watch this particular documentary.

It was great, I would recommend it to anyone and everyone, whether you are vegan, are interested in going vegan, or have absolutely no desire whatsoever to embrace a vegan lifestyle. Regardless of your dietary preference (as you know, I myself am not vegan), I truly believe that everyone should live a predominantly plant-based lifestyle.

That leads me to my next point…

5. I feel so guilty.

I have been watching nothing but vegan Youtube videos recently, and now I have unleashed the beast on the vegan documentaries. I am the type of person that once I become interested in something, I become obsessed. It doesn’t matter whether or not I agree with everything that I am watching (I watch all different types of vegans on Youtube, and I’m sorry but some of the advice that some of them give is seriously alarming and disturbing), I will still watch as much as I can. I love learning a lot, and I love learning as much as possible about everything that I can… Whether or not the information that I am learning is correct.

I am also an extreme person, but I am also working on trying to be less extreme, less intense.

Balance. I am trying to learn balance.

For some reason, I thought that it would be a good idea to watch another documentary as I was eating my breakfast/right after.

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It seemed innocent enough, 3 meat loving New Yorkers challenged to a month of veganism. It also started out innocent enough.

And then all of a sudden there were animals being killed… I skipped past that part.

And then I felt guilty about skipping that part.

I don’t eat a lot of meat, and I am very careful about where any animal products that I do consume come from (I know that there is no real way to make meat/dairy consumption “humane”… but there are definitely some sources that are better than other.. a little less cruel I guess). I felt guilty that even though I was skipping the graphic scenes, I still knew what they were saying. I felt so guilty that I was not vegan. 

I ate yogurt right before watching this film. YOGURT.

So I started freaking out. 

Am I bad person?

Why am I not a vegan?

Why can’t I just become a vegan?

I don’t even consume many animal products.

Why?

Why?

Why?

And then I realized what it was.

Basically, the intense and extreme part of my brain is also the part of my brain that is “sick”. It is where my eating disorder, my anxiety, my OCD, and my depression lives. Then, there is the part of my brain that is ok. That part of my brain is the part that wants to heal, it’s bigger than the part that wants to remain sad and sick, but it is also much weaker.

The non-sick part of my brain is also the rational part. It knows that I am extreme, and that labeling myself to committing to any specific type of diet or lifestyle will force the bad and sick part of my brain to latch onto that title and thrust me into a constant state of anxiety over the pressure to be absolutely perfect. 

I don’t know what to do. I do know that I want to limit animal product consumption as much as possible… And I do believe that I do that. But still, that bad part of my brain keeps telling me that that is no where near good enough. I feel like there is this entire community sitting around a table and discussing what a terrible person I am because I claim to love animals and dream of peace and want to live in harmony with the world… But I won’t commit to vegan. I feel like I am thought to be a fraud.

And here’s the kicker.

There is not one single person (that I know of) that gives a hoot about what my diet is. 

I don’t judge anyone else’s dietary choices… So why do I feel like others judge mine.

Wow, this just turned into a really long point… I guess that my mind is just really spinning right now and I feel like a bad person, but I also know that committing myself to being vegan will actually detract from the (small) progress in mental healing that I have made so far in my recovery from my eating disorder.

I know that there are many many people who find that adopting a vegan diet actually helped them heal from mental disorders.. But I know myself, and I know the pressure that I put on myself… And I know that putting a title of any kind on myself, whether it be a good one or a bad, is not good for my mental health.

I don’t know man, I just don’t know.

But I don’t like feeling like a bad person.

Well, if you read this entire rant, you deserve a hug and a high five, because you, my friend, are awesome.

5. I walk by this every day on my commute to school and it never fails to make my heart happy.

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6. And now I am off to my 3 hour class in the room that has no windows or air conditioning. Wish me luck!

 

Question(s):

1. What is your opinion on my whole “to vegan or not to vegan” thing? I would really love as much input from other people as I can get!

2. Do you like documentaries? What are some good ones to watch (health related or otherwise)?

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Uncategorized

WIAW 9.3.2014 – College Edition


Hey everyone!

Workout – Elliptical Intervals

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It’s been a while since I last did a What I Ate Wednesday post.

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Shout out to our wonderful host for this link up!

As per usual, I’m not exactly the best at taking photos of all of my meals. I also eat more in a ways that I eat small meals and graze the entire day (a bad habit that I am trying to break), so I don’t exactly have a photo of everything that I have eaten down to the last pretzel. However, as I mentioned in my first ever WIAW post, it’s not about being perfect! That is the beauty in this whole What I Ate Wednesday deal, it’s not about perfection or judgment or any of that.

Anyway, as you may know, yesterday was my first full day at school… So basically, it was my first day living on my own (plus roommate, but she hasn’t been here). The school that I attend doesn’t technically have dorms, there is student housing that is shared with students from other New York City schools, but it’s not a traditional dormitory by any means. Due to this, there is no meal plan of any sort… Meaning that I am responsible for buying all of my groceries and preparing all of my meals with nothing but a refrigerator and a microwave. Basically, I have to be both thrifty with my grocery shopping and creative with me meals.

I am thinking that once I get better at this whole eating as a student on a small budget with no kitchen whilst still eating healthy thing I will do a full on post about it. However, today is not that day and I am definitely still getting the hang of everything.

Breakfast – 

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Fat free vanilla greek yogurt with “rawnola” and coconut chips that I picked up from Fairway… Plus a whole bunch more coconut chips.

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Dang is right. These things are dangerous.

As per usual, I also had some cashew putter and frozen banana that I really didn’t need to have since I was full after breakfast… Again, the grazing is a problem.

 

Lunch – 

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You didn’t think that my snack plates wouldn’t follow me to school, now did you? I can’t have as much diversity veggie-wise since… well… I’m not exactly finically secure over here. Romaine and snap peas a carrots with hummus (tried Fairway’s brand hummus for the first time and it was AMAZING), sriracha, and Fairway brand mango salsa (so good).

Plus, pretzels and rice snacks and Brad’s raw chips from my snack drawer, all dipped in hummus or cashew butter (I have a problem).

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Dinner – So, the original plan was to have brown rice with steamed veggies and sweet chili sauce for dinner… But it was about one million degrees out yesterday and the last thing I wanted after walking through the heat was to eat something hot… So dinner wound up being an exact repeat of lunch… Whoops.

 

Unpictured – Crystalized ginger and dark chocolate covered ginger, more pretzels, cashew butter with pretzels and jam… The works.

 

 

Sorry today’s post was so choppy, Wednesdays are the days that I have all of my 3 hour classes! I think my head is still spinning from Japanese class this morning and now I am headed out to my next class.. I hope you are all having a wonderful day and I will talk to you tomorrow! =)

 

 

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