This Was Supposed To Be A Five Things Friday Post.

Hey everyone! Who’s stoked it’s Friday?

Workout – Insanity Plyometric Cardio Circuit.

So nice to be home for the weekend and able to do Insanity. I miss it when I’m at school! This morning’s workout was originally meant to be a run.. But I had to drive my mom to the train station and my brother to school and I wound up just not having enough time to get in the miles that I wanted to before having to get ready and leave for therapy.

This blog has officially become the most neglected thing in my life (ok, that may be a stretch). In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m not exactly a particularly interesting person, nor is my life all that exciting. I have a lot of thoughts that I would love to go on about and share with the world… But they don’t all exactly fit into a nice clean package. What I’m saying is that I am the very definition of a mess. I want to blog about health. I want to blog about eating disorder recovery. I want to blog about my life (who the heck would care about that?!). I want to blog about running. I want to blog about the environment. I want to blog about fashion. I want to blog about music. I just want to write. Basically, I am all over the place… And this results in my getting very overwhelmed (I get overwhelmed way too easily, it’s something that I am working on). Once I’m overwhelmed, I start spiraling down into an anxiety attack. After this begins, I begin to mentally tell myself off for my having no right to be overwhelmed when there are so many people (most people actually) who do so much more than me and get it all done and still have free time and social lives. This results in guilt. Which, you guessed it, results in more anxiety. And the kicker here? This all results in nothing getting done. Basically, I don’t know what I am doing with this blog. I think I put a lot of pressure on myself because I really would love for this blog to become something. It may sound pathetic, but the only type of job that I can see myself having any success in in the future is one that involves blogging or Youtube or anything of the like. Again, it sounds stupid. I know. I mean, I just sound like a spoiled little kid who doesn’t want to get a “real job” ever… Right? The thing is, just with the whole anxiety thing… Being trapped in an office all day or having a very strict schedule just seems like it would result in my having a meltdown. That all being said, hopefully if I keep working at it and meditating and going to therapy, I’ll be able to get over all of this depression and anxiety and then, who knows, maybe I will, somehow, have some actual success in something one day. I don’t really know. I just hope that it’s possible for me. I fee like such a dumb kid with a bad case of, “special snowflake,” syndrome. I know that so many people struggle with my exactly mental issues and I know that many people have it so much worse than me (I’m not saying I have a bad life by any means, just that I have a bad mental state)… And they have success in life and drive and they… They have lives. So who am I to think that I have the right to struggle? Who am I to keep screwing up? To haul myself up away from the world because it all just seems to big and scary and overwhelming? Who am I to think that I can maybe be someone one day instead of having to fall into the the routine of the endlessly getting up daily and going to work in a place that I hate so I can have money to support myself? Who am I to think that maybe I could be different? I just … I don’t know. Oh. As per usual, I sat down to write a light-hearted post about things I’ve been up to lately and instead wound up spewing out a whole bunch of nonsensical angst and musings. Welcome to Snapbacks And Racing Flats kids. But seriously… I apologize if you read my blog. Does anyone read this thing? Hellooooo? I’m currently sitting in a Starbucks with my coffee (blonde roast with soy milk is pretty delicious fyi) and am trying to somehow get my Youtube video that should already be up edited.

Yeah.. Um… this happened. I really wanted to do some sort of Halloween-themed video since I absolutely love Halloween but never get to celebrate it because, well, no friends. Unfortunately, I obviously have no idea why I am doing and my attempt at a Tim Burton’s The Corpse Bride themed makeup look wound up looking like… well… this.

I also can’t even begin to explain to you what a mess I made of my dorm room while trying to maneuver all of the different face paints and things while filming.

I know that my Youtube channel isn’t exactly ground-breaking or entertaining or even quality… But I am really loving doing it. Aside from school, I feel that I don’t have menu things really driving me in life right now. Yes I have running and I want to train more and get my distance up and sign up for a half-marathon once I have the money… But other than that, I am really struggling to find a sense of purpose.

Now, I know that saying that my little Youtube channel with it’s couple of viewers gives me and my life meaning sounds pretty obscene… But, it does. My Youtube channel is an outlet for me to express myself and be creative and express myself.

It’s no secret that I struggle with self-esteem and body image and, well, human interaction. So this channel is really a way for me to challenge myself. I’m editing my video right now, and I can’t tell you how disgusted I am looking at this thing. Not only did I film this right after getting back from a run (probably not my best idea)… But I can see in in relation so some of my videos from the summer and it is so noticable in my face that I have put on weight.

Needless to say, I would rather not upload this thing.

But I’m going to. I am challenging myself to not care and to try and accept myself as I am and put myself out there. It’s terrifying… And exciting.

And now I am off to finish editing this video and go grocery shopping! Exciting times guys. Exciting times.

To end this post on a happy note, here’s a photo of an adorable puppy in a frog costume.

Oh, you are so welcome.

I don’t know.

Learning To Breathe

Hey everyone.

Yeah, I’m at a point where I need to stop pretending that this little piece of the internet that I’ve got here is intended to be a daily blog. I want it be a daily blog, and I believe that one day it probably will be… But at the moment, my mind is far too messy to post something of substance every day. And honestly, I’m stressed out about so much that the last thing I need is to be putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself to put up blog posts every day that no one really reads any way.

All that aside, I am actually feeling… Not positive exactly. Hopeful? Zen? I don’t know, I just feel slightly at peace with the world right now, and that is a wonderful thing. But more about that later.

Workout – I’M RUNNING AGAIN!

I tested the waters and tried to run for real for the first time in 2 weeks on Saturday and I did it and it was pain free and it was absolutely wonderful in every way shape or form, even if I had/have a really bad head cold and felt like my brain was rattling around in my head the whole time =P.

Now, a reoccurring theme with me when it comes to coming off of injuries is that I instantly want to go out and run ALL THE MILES… But obviously, that’s not exactly the smartest way to go about getting into running and often results in me re-injuring myself.

So today I hit up the elliptical. I am so sick of the elliptical at this point it’s not even funny. That being said, I believe that tomorrow’s workout will also be an elliptical one. Oh the joy…

I also did some strength training for the first time in about five thousand years. I am the very definition of a cardio queen… I just find cardio to be about a billion and one times more enjoyable than strength training (this is why I love Insanity and other plyometric workouts so much, they combine cardio with resistance), but I really need to get back into the habit of strength training regularly. I used to be so religious about making sure to have a balance between my cardio and strength training, and I definitely felt a lot better when I was doing a little strength training regularly.

I worked my legs and flutes and I can already tell that I am going to be in pain tomorrow… But a good kind of pain!

…

Like I said earlier, my mind has been even more of a mess than it normally is recently… And this has resulted in my being behind on pretty much everything. I am just completely overwhelmed by life and the world and school and then I get even more upset because I know that most people do so much more than me and that I have no right to be as overwhelmed as I am.

I actually opened up my Japanese text book today to try to start on the ten pages of homework that I had to do and to study for the test I had in the subject tomorrow earlier and wound up curled up in a ball shaking and crying (like I said, I’m kind of pathetic) for a couple of hours and got nothing done. I think I have to drop the class, I can’t handle anything or focus on anything and there really is no hope in my passing that class in my current mental state… And I am so disgusted and embarrassed about this fact. I used to be a really smart person and a good student. I was an above average student my whole life, got into one of the most difficult high schools on Long Island, and wound up in the honors track (every class I took was honors) all without really trying all that hard. These days, I struggle to remember anything and everything. I retain nothing that I read or learn, and I feel like a straight up idiot. Tack that on top of feeling like I am letting down my mom by not excelling in school or at life. I mean… What do I do? I have no job because every time I get a job, I wind up having a panic attack on the job and having to quit in change. I am in no clubs because I am too scared of being around people… And now I’m dropping a class that I really can’t afford to drop? I just… I don’t know.

Oh, and there is no way that I am graduating on time. I just feel like I am nothing but a financial and emotional burned on my mom… And I hate it.

All that said, I really am so lucky to have the mother that I do. I called her today in the middle of a panic attack, meaning I was hysterical and not making much sense, and she was nothing but kind and understanding. I am so lucky and really don’t’ deserve the absolutely amazing people that I have in my life. I also cried to my friend Shannon (she’s been not he blog before!), who was my one friend and savior at my last college. She just listened and helped me think a little bit more rationally.

So what am I doing?

What I really wanted this post to be about was how at peace I am currently feeling… Or was feeling. Writing about all of that negative junk that I just did has me a little anxious again. Good job Erin =P. But really.

Something that I really want to focus on is bettering myself in any way that I can so I that I can get myself to, well, become myself. Right now I feel as though I am just trapped in this depressed shell and I can’t get out. There are so many things that I want to accomplish and that I can’t currently accomplish because I am just so stuck. It’s kind of hard to go out into the world and try to accomplish your larger-than-life dreams when you struggle to get yourself out of bed in the morning and often can’t leave your building because you are too disgusted by yourself to be seen by others. Again, I know I’m kind of ridiculous.

One small thing that I have been trying to for myself is start practicing yoga regularly. I am the kind of person that I get frustrated when I am not good at something instantly (which is ridiculous). I don’t like being considered a “beginner” in anything, I get embarrassed and frustrated… But to begin anything, you kind of need to be a beginner.

Last week, I signed up for the 15 day free trial on YogaGlo, a huge website full of hundreds of online yoga classes of all styles. Obviously, once the 15 days is up I am going to have to cancel my membership. I don’t have the money… But I thought it would be a good place to start!

Truthfully, I haven’t practiced every day like I had planned on doing… But I have practiced twice, so it’s a start.

Before sitting down to write this post, I did a 20 minute vinyasa flow for balance and followed it up with something very out of character for me.

Meditation.

Meditation is one of those things that I always know that I should do, but I can never actually get myself to do. My mind is just too busy and I get too anxious and antsy every time I try to meditate. Or I make the lame excuse that I don’t have time.

But tonight, something compelled me to give this highly praised practice another shot… And it was amazing.

The specific type of meditation that I did was called Isha Kriya, and the practice was led by Kathryn Budig. It was a simple guided practice done in a seated position. The meditation session in its entirety was 15 minutes in length and consisted of 3 different sections.

The first part was breathing and mantras. You inhaled and said, “I am not my body,” and exhaled saying, “I am not even my mind.” This portion lasted about 7 minutes.

Next was 7 receptions of breathing in and exhaling as a sound. I don’t know the technical term for this portion, but the point of the sound was that it caused vibrations in your solar pled.

The final part of the meditation was the par that I thought would be the worst for me. In fact. going into the practice, I didn’t even think that I would be able to finish it. This portion of the meditation was just simple silent meditation. Normally, this is when my mind floods with thoughts, and they are more often than not negative ones. However, crazily enough, this didn’t happen this time. I was somehow able to keep my mind almost completely devoid of any real thoughts… And it was amazing.

Once the session was over, I just kind of sat there in a trance for a little while. I just felt calm and at peace and… Hopeful. I want to get my creativity back. I want to start doing more of the things that I love. And I want to do them because I want to do them instead of doing them because I feel as though I will be a failure if I don’t do them.

I’m thinking that tomorrow I’m going to explore this amazing city a little bit and take some photos. Growing up, I was always super into photography, but now I rarely do it.

I also want to make time to sit and work on my book. I have been trying to write this thing for years now, but it’s only about 15 pages at this point. I love writing. I really do… I don’t get why I so often forget that.

Oh, and the new Fall edition of the Tone It Up Nutrition Plan was released today, so that’s pretty darn rad.

Good night all!<3

Thinking Out Loud 10.9.2014 – Getting Deep Up In Here

Hey guys.

It’s, “Erin rambles on about the jumbled mess that are her thoughts,” day… Or, to put it in a better way, “Thinking Out Loud Thursday.”

Thanks Amanda for creating this link-up and actually giving me the mental strength to sit and type a post (wow, that was melodramatic).

Workout – 45 minutes of intervals on the elliptical.

1. Yup. As I briefly mentioned in my Monday post…. I’m still/yet again injured. I has been almost 2 weeks since my last “run” (ok, actually I ran 4 miles on Saturday because I thought I was healed, but I was wrong and am paying for it.

I strained a muscle in my lateral leg. The pain is most severe in my outer ankle area (hurts to the touch), but it pulls from my arch all the way up through my gluteal area. Not fun.

I just feel as though I am always injured, and yes, I am aware that I am to blame for this in a number of ways… But this just could not have come at a worse time.

Over the course of the last month or so, I have just been spiraling further and further down the rabbit hole of depression and self loathing. I am having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, I don’t feel up to talking to anyone (even if it is just over text messages), I don’t have the mental stamina to complete my school work. Basically, I just feel like curling up in a ball and turning the world around me off. The universe feels too big and loud and terrifying and I don’t feel strong enough to be a part of it.

During the course of this spiraling into a deep sea of depression, there was one single thing that filled me with hope and joy and a sense of meaning… Can you guess what it was?

If you said running, than you are correct.

In fact, the day that I discovered I was injured, I had a therapy appointment before I went to the doctor for my leg. We had an amazing session and we spoke about how bad I have been doing and how running has been my saving grace. She told me how important it is that I keep running, as it is the one thing that gets me out of bed in the morning and that makes taking on the world, while still almost impossible, somewhat bearable.

Of course, right after that appointment I was told that I couldn’t run again for a while.

I completely lost it.

Yup, embarrassing myself, as I frequently do, I started crying in the middle of the medical office. The worst part of not being able to control your emotions is knowing that your reaction to the given situation is inappropriate in respect to the situation. I just feel like a toddler throwing a fit over not getting a toy that they want or something. As a result, I wind up crying even harder because of how pathetic I feel. It is a vicious cycle.

On top of being in a black hole of depression already, not being able to run is a double whammy when it comes to worsening my already less-than-ideal mental state.

On one hand, running is my saving grace. It is my love. It is what I feel passionate about. It is the one thing that makes me feel like maybe I’m worth something. It makes me grateful to be alive in this wonderful, beautiful, and magical world of ours. it makes me thankful to be alive and to have a body, regardless of the size of it, that can carry me for miles and miles.

On the other hand, it is no secret that a lot of my issues stem from a deep loathing of myself, and, more specifically, my body. I was already freaking out over the fact that I feel as though I eat way too much and that I am gaining weight and getting bigger by what feels like the day. Now, I am unable to run or do intensive exercise. All I can do is the elliptical or the bike… Not exactly the top of the list calorie burning machines. I already wanted to get this extra weight off (which is almost impossible for me since I destroyed my metabolism with my eating issues…I really need to get back on track with working on that), but now it feels more impossible than ever. I feel and look puffy and larger. I don’t want to leave the room because I don’t want people to see me. I was already struggling with getting to class, now if feels almost impossible. In fact, I skipped out on two classes this week because I just physically could not get myself out the door. I just crumble… It’s bad.

I think the worst part is knowing on a logical level that a lot of it must be in my head. You don’t swell up 20 pounds over night, but to me it appears as though I do. I have trouble differentiating what is real and what is just a false projection from my disordered mind. It’s like there is this constant war going on inside my mind and I can’t make it stop.

It is exhausting… And quite honestly, I don’t know what to do about it.

Another piece of all of this is that I feel like every time I take one step in the right direction recovery wise, I wind up taking about 10 steps back. At the end of the summer, I was seeing progress, I really was. To others (mainly my mom), I know that it seemed as though therapy was doing nothing and I was in just as bad of a place as I had been for years… But I wasn’t. The thing with recovery is that it is a painfully slow process. Any change, infinitesimal as it may seem, is crucial and important. The recovering person notices them, but everyone around that person sees absolutely nothing.

I explained it, both to my mom and to my therapist, like this – For years now, I have hated my body. I obsess about what I look like, what people are seeing and thinking of my size, and how food is the enemy 100% of the time. At the end of the summer, these thoughts consumed my mind about 98.5% of the time. This 1.5% change of mentality may seem laughable in size… But to me is was huge. 

And now I’m back at 100% of the time for these bad thoughts… And I hate it.

I also feel like I am wasting my mom’s money on therapy and I am wasting my therapist’s time. I feel selfish for even going… I am just at a stand still.

2. SOMETHING MORE POSITIVE!!!!

There is actually one thing that fills me with as much joy as running does.

(from my Instagram)

It sounds stupid, but if I could be absolutely anything in the world, I would be a musician. Now, I’m not talking like a Taylor-Swift-status-billionaire-superstar status musician… I would just want to be in a band with a moderate fan base that I could love. Music is the most powerful form of expression in my opinion. I have wanted to be a lot of different things career-wise in my lifetime, and none of the career paths that I have aspired to really had anything in common. The only common factor among my passions in life is this overwhelming need to make people feel something. I think this is why writing has always been a reoccurring theme in my goals in life. When you read a good book, watch a powerful movie, or listen to beautiful music, it elicits some sort of emotion within in you. Words have the power to be your best friend, your biggest motivator. Words can make you feel less alone… And that is what I love so much about music.

I listen to music by bands who weave words with melody in ways that make my heart cry out. I listen to music that can bring a real smile to my face whilst also brining me to tears… And listening to live music? There is nothing better.

Jeremy McKinnon of A Day To Remember absolutely killing it. 

It sounds like a cliche from a bad teenage movie… But music really has saved my life in more ways than one. I have been listening to my favorite band, Silverstein, since 7th grade. 7th grade also happened to be the time where my depression really manifested into something truly nasty. I have continued listening to that band through the years. I know that every time I am having a really hard time, their music has been there for me, and it will continue to be there for me as long as I have hearing.

There is also something truly beautiful, at least to me, about being surrounded by hundreds of people who all have the same deep connection to a certain song or band that you do. We are all pressed together like sardines in a can, we are jumping, we are struggling to keep up with keeping the crowd surfers from falling to the floor. My hair is being pulled and I am being absolutely demolished by the people around me (don’t even ask how many bruises I have on my body right now)… And for some reason, being accidentally punched and kicked, being knocked over while trying to hold up a dude about twice the size of me, and being drenched in sweat that isn’t even my own… It’s beautiful.

So in conclusion, I have been doing really really awful lately… But I had one really great day on Saturday, so I am choosing to focus on that instead.

This too shall pass.

…Right?

Mental Health Monday – What Is Over Exercising?

Hey all.

Workout – 4.31 easy recovery miles in Central Park.

(The reason that the pace is drastically slower in the first mile is due to the fact that there were a million red lights on the run over to the park and I didn’t pause RunKeeper at them… Whoops).

So it’s been quite a long time since the last time I sat down to write a Mental Health Monday post, and today’s topic is one that is very close to my heart.

Overexercising.

Or, more specifically, what exactly is overexercising?

The term is pretty common. You see it everywhere in the forms of magazine articles, health website posts, and even in those little ads that you see on the sides of the webpages that you are browsing.

Are You Over Exercising? 5 Signs Of Overtraining.

How To Tell If You Are Overtraining.

Science Finds That Too Much Exercise Can Lead To Weight Gain.

Wow. If there is so much talk on the issue of over exercising/compulsive exercise/overtraining, then surely there must be a great amount of awareness surrounding the issue, right?

Unfortunately, that does not seem to be the case.

See, the lines of what is too much exercise is a very blurry one. I mean, pro athletes train for hours every day and often train twice a day. They aren’t over exercising. In fact, they are arguably some of the healthiest people out there.

So where does that leave us? If pro-athletes can train every day, then who are we to think that our *need* to exercise for 30 minutes every day with no rest days ever is too much? It can’t be, now can it?

I have a very strong opinion of what exactly over exercising is. Now, keep in mind that this is purely my theory, and has no real scientific backing. However, as someone who has struggled with an eating disorder that manifested itself as an exercise addiction for quite some times, I do like to think that I am fairly knowledgeable about this particular issues.

Now, when I say compulsive exercise, what exactly do I mean?

The NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association) references compulsive over exercising in their definition of the anorexia subtype called, “anorexia athletica.”

Anorexia Athletica (Compulsive Exercising)

Anorexia athletica is a condition where people over-exercise because they believe this will control their bodies and give them a sense of power, control and self-respect. It isn’t a clinically recognized diagnosis in the same way that anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa are, but compulsive exercising can have serious health consequences.

Symptoms of anorexia athletica include:

Exercising more than is good for our health.
Being fanatical about our weight and diet.
Taking time off work, school and relationships to exercise.
Focusing on the challenge exercise poses and forgetting that it can be fun.
Believing that our self-worth depends on our physical performance.
Rarely being satisfied by what we achieve physically.                                                           Saying that this exercise is okay because we are athletes, or insisting that the behavior is healthy.

(Source)

Now, I know that whilst anorexia athletica always includes excessive/compulsive exercise, over exercising does not always mean that one has anorexia athletica. However, I would definitely argue that over exercising often has less to do with the amount that you are exercising and more to do with the mentality that surrounds/backs your compulsive exercise.

So some questions to ask yourself could be:

Do I exercise because I want to? Or do I do it because I feel like I am a failure/will gain a million pounds overnight/will be looked at as lazy etc. if I don’t?

If there is a day where I truly can’t workout, will it completely destroy my day? Will I obsess over this one missed day of exercise for weeks to come?

Do I put working out over spending quality time with family and friends? Do I avoid making plans if it cuts into my workout schedule?

Do I not allow myself to take off if I am sick or injured? 

If you answered yes to these questions, then your mind is definitely not in the right place for exercising.

Also, obviously you can kind of tell that you are over training (even if you are in complete denial of this fact and push the thought to the back of your mind) when you are constantly fatigued, start dreading your workouts, or begin to feel sickly often. These are obvious symptoms and are always the first to be mentioned in those magazine/web articles that I referenced earlier in this post.

One thing that I don’t ever see in these articles is something that I believe to be the number one most crucial factor in determining what exactly it means to be over exercising.

Your caloric intake vs. the amount of exercise that you are doing.

Sure professional athletes can workout for hours a day and not be accused of overexercising, but these athletes are also eating a ton to make sure that their body is properly fueled for this level of training. However, if you are eating a calorie deficient diet and exercising for hours a day, you are literally destroying yourself.

Think about it, we all too often see this (idiotic) idea that women should be consuming 1200 calories a day if they want to lose weight. Firstly, that is complete nonsense. Unless you are obscenely short (and even then, this is often way too low), your body needs more than 1200 calories per day just to perform its necessary functioning for survival. Now, add exercise, even if it is just 30 minutes per day, each and every day, into the equation and you very likely will now have (depending on the workout that you do) a net caloric intake of less than 1000 calories. You are literally preventing your body from properly being able to fulfill it’s job of keeping you alive… And yet you are expecting it to support and give you energy for working out? It doesn’t work like that. Keeping you alive is your body’s priority.

So what is over exercising?

I firmly believe that the term over exercising is completely relative. There is no set amount of time or intensity level or frequency of workouts that can tell you whether or not you are over training. It all depends on your mentality surrounding exercise, and whether or not you are adequately fueling your body to support your level of activity, whatever it may be.

Moral of the story? DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS.

Just because someone can run ten miles a day and be perfectly healthy doesn’t mean that you should ignore that you are feeling the symptoms of over working your body while running 3 miles a day. That other person is not you. They do not eat the same food. They do not eat the same amount. They are not at the same stage of life as you. They do not live in the same environment as you. What they can do should never influence how you feel about what you can do and what you should do. You are your own person and I cannot emphasize enough how important it is that you acknowledge that fact and listen to your body. You know yourself best, and you know when something is not quite right.

Never let the fear of not being enough prevent your own personal growth and healing.

Thank you for reading. I’ll talk to you guys tomorrow =).

The First Real Day

Hey all! 

Workout: Treadmill interval workout from FitSugar.

I changed the workout up slightly by increasing the speed by .5-1 throughout, running at 6-6.5mph during the walking bits, and running at a .5 incline when it said to run at .00 incline.

Also, I showed you guys that I got new running shoes the other day right?

I decided to try out Brooks PureFlow 2s, and I have to say that I am absolutely loving them. I have only run in them twice (long run on Sunday and my intervals today), so I can’t exactly give a full review yet. So far they are nice and light, yet they still keep my ankles stable (important for me) and they fit nicely which is rare since I have really bizarrely shaped feet.

However, I have THE most gnarly blisters on the back of my heels. I seriously wanted to cry at certain points during this mornings workout… For the most part I was super happy during my workout though!

 

 

Incline running is no joke. 

Also, what is it about school gyms and not having the air conditioners on? I thought I was suffocating throughout my workout!

 

Nothing that a little iced coffee can’t fix though ;).

So today marks my first official day of classes (actually it was Thursday… but I told you a little about that whole fiasco), and my first full day of being “away” at school. I put away in quotes because I’m like…a half an hour train ride from home so I don’t know if it really counts.

I tried to be a girl. All the lights fell off the wall. Command hooks, you have betrayed me.

So I set out to make today a good one. I got up at 6 (set my alarm for 6:30, but oh well), worked out, had a nutritious breakfast, took a nice shower. All was well and good. I walked the 2 miles to school, which would normally be super nice because New York is the greatest place ever, but between the heat and humidity and the blisters on my feet…I probably should have taken the subway. 

I finally arrived (very sweaty and disheveled I might add… Here’s to making good first impressions) to find a note posted on my classroom door that the class had been changed. I followed what I (correctly) assumed to be others who were in the same class over to the building and room that the class was now apparently supposed to be in, and… Get this.

The teacher never showed up.

We sat there for 40 minutes before giving up. 

So now I am 0 for 2 in this whole “getting to class” thing.

I have to leave in around 15 minutes for my next class (which also happens to be the one that I couldn’t find on Thursday), so here’s hoping the third time is the charm!

I will say though, minus the whole classroom-changing-teacher-never-showing-up debacle… Today has been ok! My roommate hasn’t been here yet, so I have just been on my own,and I kind of like that. Yes, I really want and need to make friends, but at the same time, I am enjoying having time alone with myself. The city is such a wonderful and inspiring place. When I am walking through the streets from my housing to my school, I can’t shake the feeling that this, this city, is where I need to be. Where I am supposed to be. I don’t know.

Also, I have to say that people watching in the city is such an amazing way to find inspiration for characters in the stories that I write. I have always dreamed of being a novelist, and I have a few novels in the works currently. It just seems that I can never bring myself to make the time (which is absurd because I definitely have the time) to sit down and just write. This being alone with myself while still being surrounded by thousands of people in a big city is filling me with inspiration and drive to really get back into writing. I’m thinking of bringing my laptop over to Central Park on Thursday since I don’t have class until 4:10 that day and just writing. 

I don’t know how to describe how I am feeling right now. I still feel down and numb and really anxious and not ok… But I feel something else as well.

I think it’s hope.

And now I am off to go pick up some bandaids for my blisters to make the commute to school a little less painful.

Until tomorrow my friends!

August In A Flash

Hey! 

Workout – A low impact workout sounded like a good idea this morning. I banged my knee pretty badly the other day and bruised the muscle. I’m not exactly the best at icing (I detest it so much… But I really should do it more)… So, I woke up this morning to a pretty gnarly looking bruise and a lot of swelling.

Tried a new to me elliptical workout from FitSugar.

 

And enjoyed my last smoothie bowl for a while (I got back to school today) post workout. Threw some spinach into the mix to get some more greens in before having to go back to school as well.

 

 

 

Topped with coconut chips and Loni Jane’s “rawnola.” The stuff seriously tastes like cookie dough. So flipping good.

 

So, terrifyingly enough, today is the first day of September! September has never exactly been my favorite month… I mean, not only does it mark the end of summer, but it’s just such an uneventful month! Not only is the celebration of summer over, but there are no holidays or festivities either. 

That being said, while August was a pretty rough month for me between losing my cousin, my severe panic attacks forcing me to quit my job in a less-than ideal way, and just having been in a bad place in general… There definitely were some good points in the month of August that I would rather focus on. 

So in August I was…

Reading…

I actually have yet to finish any of the books that I started in the month of August. I just haven’t been in the right mindset to sit and read. However, towards the end of the month when I was finding myself spending a lot of time on the train back and forth from the city, I’ve been making it a point to bring a book with me!

I have mentioned this book before, and it really is a gem.

 

Yes, another nutrition book revolving around a high-carb and plant-based diet. I have just really been interested in this particular type of diet recently and want to learn as much about it as I can… I also am loving getting proven information from accredited sources instead of all of the extremist types that I am finding on Youtube (not there are no good advocates of this lifestyle on Youtube). I just always love to know the science behind certain claims made in the health and fitness world.

I only started this book the other day… But I feel like it needs to be mentioned! Haruki Murakami is a genius and his writing style is just… I can’t even describe it. I just want to highlight every sentence to read over and over again because he weaves words together so beautifully. 

 

Listening To…

Brand New. Brand New. Brand New.

This concert was seriously one of the greatest experiences of my life. Not only was it the highlight of my month music-wise… But I think it was just the highlight of my month in general.

Also, I got to go with my best friend. So that made it all the more amazing.

 

Eating…

Need I even say it?

Nom.

Seeing…

I have taken in some pretty beautiful sights this month.

Other things…

I dyed my hair green.

 

I embarked on a new life journey at a new school in a new “home.”

 

I have remained consistent with my Youtube channel and have really pushed out of what would typically be my comfort zone.

As someone with a self confidence that is, to say the least, abysmal, putting myself on camera isn’t exactly easy. It’s hard enough when it is just my face on camera… But my latest video was a cookbook, which involves showing my entire self… Body and all. It may not seem like all that big of a deal, but it was seriously one of the most difficult things that I did this month. I’m kind of proud of myself so sucking it up and making myself so through with it.

 

So there you have it; August in a nutshell. 

 

Question(s):

1. What have you been loving this month?

2. When is the last time you pushed yourself out of your comfort zone? What did you do?

Five Things Friday 8.29.2014 – Focus On The Good

Hey everyone! Happy Friday!

I’m home for the long weekend (yes, I did only stay for one night… don’t judge), and I couldn’t be happier about that. It’s so weird, I really love New York City. When I am walking the streets, whether it be to my dorm, to class, or just wandering, I feel like I am where I am supposed to be. It is the idea of having a roommate to possibly judge me and to not have total control over my living situation that is making the idea of living there so panic-provoking. I honestly feel so pathetic just admitting the fact that all of my anxieties regarding school stem from my having to live with another person. That’s not normal at all right? And it’t not that my issue is sharing a space with someone, it’s just that I really like being alone and I guess it boils down to the fact that I have social anxiety and that this past year is has become uncontrollable and severe.

ANYWAYS, how about rather than rant about all of my issues that I truly don’t even have the right to complain, about, I talk about 5 things that made me happy today instead?

1. My Workout – I got to head over to Central Park for a 5 mile run and it was fabulous.

Running in Central Park never fails to fill me with an all-encompasing sense of gratitude. I don’t know if it is due to the fact that it truly is an oasis within the concrete jungle of New York City or what… But it just makes me so thankful to be alive.

Also, I am definitely going to be working my legs a lot harder with Central Park being my running location whilst at school. My entire run was uphill (I’m not even exaggerating), and those hills were no joke! Coming from flat-as-can-be Long Island, I am definitely not used to hills! (If there is anyone who lives in the mountains, you are probably laughing at me… And rightfully so. I’m kind of a wimp with hills.)

2. I found a vegan takeout restaurant on my way back from Central Park and I am so excited because some of this items on the menu are actually affordable!

Yay for 5 dollar vegan soups! Still definitely not something that I can afford to have all the time… But these types of things really excite me. I also may have to splurge every once in a blue moon and get a salad because they sound really good.

Post-run, I was sweaty and thirsty and those juices were so tempting…. But I can’t exactly dish out almost ten dollars on a beverage… *dramatic sigh*

3. New read!

 

I got to the train station way earlier than I needed to, so there was time to bop around in the station. I wound up in the bookstore (I also almost missed my train because I lost track of time while in there… Books do that to me), and I wound up purchasing this little gem. I have been wanting to read Murakami’s books for forever, but I always forget about them when I am actually in the bookstore.

I read it on the train ride back and I am really loving it so far. I don’t actually quite know where the story is going yet, but I just really enjoy Murakami’s style of writing. He basically just writes in the unfiltered and sometimes nonsensical way that a person really thinks. I’m excited to keep reading!

4. I don’t know if it was because Murakami had Japan on my mind or what… But I spent most of my afternoon looking into possible study abroad opportunities in Japan. There is actually a winter session program that occurs in Tokyo and centers around creative writing… A dream come true for me.

Now, you guys don’t know this about me, but I am, and have always been, absolutely obsessed with Asian culture, namely Japanese culture. I love everything from the history of feudal Japan, the tradition, the food, the fashion, the music… I could actually start to tear up from just thinking about some day traveling to Japan. It is one of my biggest dreams.

I know that the studying abroad most likely will never happen. It’s a ridiculous amount of money and that is money that I don’t have… But hey, maybe if I work my butt off and stop spending money (it’s bad), I’ll be able to save up by my senior year. Here’s hoping.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say was that with Asia on my mind, I ventured out to my local asian grocer for the first time and it was glorious.

Matcha, ginseng tea, barley tea, brown rice for school, koala cookies (too good), herbal facial sheet mask, and, last but not least, a dragon fruit! I’m so excited to try it tomorrow!

5. Being home. I know that I was only gone for a night, but once the long weekend is over and class really begins to be in session, I know that I will not be home a lot. I just want to enjoy my home and my family as much as I can.

Good night!

Question(s):

1. Tell me something that made you happy today.

2. Ever study abroad? Where? If you could study abroad, where would you go?

Thinking Out Loud 8.28.2014 – Just A Lot

Hey all!

It’s my favorite day of the week (don’t know why, but I’ve just always loved Thursdays), and it also happens to be the day to think out loud!

(I don’t think there is a way to start write an intro to a link up post that isn’t incredibly lame)

Amanda, you rock!

1. Workout – Kept things simple with an elliptical workout before heading into the city for what was supposed to be (more on that later) my first day of class.

 

(Are these pictures showing up bizarrely small or is it just WordPress?)

2. This week, I have been making my smoothie bowls a little bit differently and they are actually the greatest thing ever and I have been dying to share them with you (but not really… Sorry, but I don’t share my smoothie bowls.)

 

Vanilla greek yogurt + ice + coconut water + pinch of cream of tartar + stevia. I can’t even. I don’t know the last time I had vanilla ice cream, so I can’t exactly say that it tastes exactly like vanilla ice cream. However, I have had cake batter froyo from TCBY, and I can vouch for the fact that this tastes wonderfully similar to it! 

Topped with strawberries, freeze dried pineapple, and coconut chips. 

I am going to miss my Vitamix way too much in the mornings at school.

Speaking of school…

3. Today was supposed to be my first day of class. It was also supposed to be my first day sleeping in my dorm… Actually, it was supposed to be yesterday, but I may or may not have had a complete nervous breakdown/panic attack that prevented me from going… Good job Erin… Good job.

ANYWAY

So I took the train into the city early so I would have time to get to my room and take some time to get my head on straight before heading off to class. I only had one class today and it was a visual experience class that I need to take as a prerequisite before I am allowed to take photography.

So, right before I had to leave for class, my school’s website went down. My schedule for classes is online, and, for whatever reason, I didn’t take a screen shot of the schedule when I first registered for classes. I figured I would just be able to pull it up when I needed it. 

Nope.

I walked the two miles to my campus whilst frantically refreshing the website in hopes that it would go back online.

It didn’t.

I got to the building I needed to be in and had no idea what the official name of my class was or where it was. All I knew was that it was on the top floor (16th), so I started walking up to the top floor and then spent the next hour trying to find my class.

Long story short, I never found the class.

Ugh. 

I am so embarrassed and ashamed and annoyed that I missed my first day of class and I am also just super upset because the only thing that I was excited for about school was, well, school. The social aspect of college really freaks me out… But I love learning. 

4. My roommate still hasn’t showed up, and I kind of really like being on my own. I know that it sounds super recluse-like and anti-social and I swear that I really do love people… But I enjoy being alone a lot of the time. I enjoy quiet and time with myself and I don’t know that sounds so lame. 

5. PICTURES!

One thing that I am actually excited for is the fact that I believe I am going to try to get over to Central Park to run tomorrow morning.

 

Good night!

Thinking Out Loud 8.28.2014 – Just A Lot

Hey all!

It’s my favorite day of the week (don’t know why, but I’ve just always loved Thursdays), and it also happens to be the day to think out loud!

(I don’t think there is a way to start write an intro to a link up post that isn’t incredibly lame)

Amanda, you rock!

1. Workout – Kept things simple with an elliptical workout before heading into the city for what was supposed to be (more on that later) my first day of class.

 

(Are these pictures showing up bizarrely small or is it just WordPress?)

2. This week, I have been making my smoothie bowls a little bit differently and they are actually the greatest thing ever and I have been dying to share them with you (but not really… Sorry, but I don’t share my smoothie bowls.)

 

Vanilla greek yogurt + ice + coconut water + pinch of cream of tartar + stevia. I can’t even. I don’t know the last time I had vanilla ice cream, so I can’t exactly say that it tastes exactly like vanilla ice cream. However, I have had cake batter froyo from TCBY, and I can vouch for the fact that this tastes wonderfully similar to it! 

Topped with strawberries, freeze dried pineapple, and coconut chips. 

I am going to miss my Vitamix way too much in the mornings at school.

Speaking of school…

3. Today was supposed to be my first day of class. It was also supposed to be my first day sleeping in my dorm… Actually, it was supposed to be yesterday, but I may or may not have had a complete nervous breakdown/panic attack that prevented me from going… Good job Erin… Good job.

ANYWAY

So I took the train into the city early so I would have time to get to my room and take some time to get my head on straight before heading off to class. I only had one class today and it was a visual experience class that I need to take as a prerequisite before I am allowed to take photography.

So, right before I had to leave for class, my school’s website went down. My schedule for classes is online, and, for whatever reason, I didn’t take a screen shot of the schedule when I first registered for classes. I figured I would just be able to pull it up when I needed it. 

Nope.

I walked the two miles to my campus whilst frantically refreshing the website in hopes that it would go back online.

It didn’t.

I got to the building I needed to be in and had no idea what the official name of my class was or where it was. All I knew was that it was on the top floor (16th), so I started walking up to the top floor and then spent the next hour trying to find my class.

Long story short, I never found the class.

Ugh. 

I am so embarrassed and ashamed and annoyed that I missed my first day of class and I am also just super upset because the only thing that I was excited for about school was, well, school. The social aspect of college really freaks me out… But I love learning. 

4. My roommate still hasn’t showed up, and I kind of really like being on my own. I know that it sounds super recluse-like and anti-social and I swear that I really do love people… But I enjoy being alone a lot of the time. I enjoy quiet and time with myself and I don’t know that sounds so lame. 

5. PICTURES!

One thing that I am actually excited for is the fact that I believe I am going to try to get over to Central Park to run tomorrow morning.

 

Good night!

A New Beginning

Hey!

Workout – Insanity Cardio Power and Resistance. My arms will indeed be feeling it tomorrow.

At this point, I am just blogging from my phone because my computer is about so slow that I might as well be using dial-up for internet.

Also, I know that I have been super inconsistent with blogging lately, and it’s really bothering me. Thing is, amidst losing Grace, getting ready to to leave for school, and personal issues that I have been dealing with, this blog has kind of taken a back seat. However, I believe that as of today, that will change. I think things may finally be starting to calm down. Here’s hoping.

Anyways…

So, today was the day.

Move in day at my new college.

 

Hi Times Square. I love you.

This morning, I was forced to finally accept the reality that is going away to college (when I am dreading something, I have this bad habit of convincing myself that it’s not really happening). It’s not school itself that I was dreading, it was (and is) the unknown. It is not having complete control over my surroundings or my situation.

I know that in saying this, I probably come off as the biggest brat on the planet, but not having control over roommate situations (when she will be in the room, how loud she will be, how many people she will have in the room, what time she will intend to stay up until), sharing the building with people who blast music at all hours of the day (I don’t know if this will be a reality at this school yet, but it definitely was an issue at my old school), and having to deviate from my normal routines (both food, exercise, and just general living) absolutely freaks me out. Seriously, just writing it out is making my heart race.

The problem is also that I really don’t mind living with other people. I’m not complaining about having to share a small room with someone. I’m just freaking out because I don’t have control over my environment, and that is a major anxiety trigger for me.

Also, it definitely doesn’t help that I have no ability whatsoever to assert myself. I would much prefer the people I am surrounded by, or living with, to be happy and to get there way than to argue someone and make them not like me. Again, this is something that I need to work on.

Ok, so now to digress from that little tangent I went off on… This morning, my mom and I packed up the car and drove into the city to go see where I will be living for the next year.

It was also my mom’s first time driving in Manhattan (we always just take the train into the cities and then either take subways or walk to our destination), so everyone give you a round of applause for conquering such a feat as New York City driving.

Upon arriving at the building that I guess I will be calling home for a while, it was an absolute madhouse. It took my about 20 minutes just to figure out how to get myself all checked in and to get my room key made (worst. id photo. ever.). Then it was another long weight to get my hands on a bin for us to use to get my stuff up the the room.

But somehow, we eventually made it.

I’m planning on decorating and making my space cute and individualized. Last year, I really never “moved into” my dorm. It was used simply as a place to study, store things, and change my clothes. I barely even slept in my room because my roommates would harass me if I tried to. This year, I really want to focus on making the most out of this little space and filling it with things that will fill me with happy thoughts and good vibes. Basically, I’m just going to hang up a ton of fairy lights and concert posters.

 

 

There’s a massive window in the room. You have no clue how happy this makes me.

 

 

My roommate actually never showed up, so I have no idea what is going to happen.

Furthermore, my classes don’t actually start until Thursday (though I do have housing orientation in my building on Monday). Then, I only have one class on Thursday, no class on Friday, and off next Monday due to Labor Day. After much thinking, I decided to spend a bulk of this week at home, and will most likely spend next weekend at home as well. The main reason that I wasn’t completely certain if I should spend another week at home was because I didn’t want my roommate to think that I was weird for not staying in the room this week.

Well, it looks like I don’t even have a roommate yet, and I think that it will alleviate some anxiety if I make the transition over to living in my dorm as opposed to here at home as slow and painless as possible. I don’t know, maybe it sounds immature… But I just feel like I’m in a very fragile state right now. I need to take care of myself instead of constantly worrying if other people will think that I am weird.

I also think that a lot of my anxiety over school is due to how incredibly awful and traumatic my experience last year was. I’m not sure if I have ever mentioned this on the blog.. But last year was a really rough one for me. Apart from struggling immensely with both my mental and physical health, my roommates made sure to make my life a living hell. They would spread lies about me, talk about me and make fun of me when they knew I could hear them, come into the room late at night screaming and shaking my bed to wake me up, and many other things. I am just so scared that something like that is going to happen again.

But really, I just need to take a step back and remind myself how lucky I am to be able to be going to school and studying something I love in the city that I love more than anything. I have always dreamed of living in New York City for a period of time, and I am actually going to be able to live that dream this year. I need to make the best of the situation at hand, whether it wind up being awful or amazing. I need to do this to prove to myself that I am not a failure.

I need this to be my year. And I hope that it will be.

 

Question(s):

Anyone who has been or is currently in college – Did you have a roommate? Any horror stories? Any great stories? What was your favorite college memory! Tell me! I want to know!

What songs have you been listening to lately?

I currently have Sanctuary by Utada stuck in my head, and I am certainly not complaining. Quality song right there.