Learning To Breathe

Hey everyone.

Yeah, I’m at a point where I need to stop pretending that this little piece of the internet that I’ve got here is intended to be a daily blog. I want it be a daily blog, and I believe that one day it probably will be… But at the moment, my mind is far too messy to post something of substance every day. And honestly, I’m stressed out about so much that the last thing I need is to be putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself to put up blog posts every day that no one really reads any way.

All that aside, I am actually feeling… Not positive exactly. Hopeful? Zen? I don’t know, I just feel slightly at peace with the world right now, and that is a wonderful thing. But more about that later.

Workout – I’M RUNNING AGAIN!

I tested the waters and tried to run for real for the first time in 2 weeks on Saturday and I did it and it was pain free and it was absolutely wonderful in every way shape or form, even if I had/have a really bad head cold and felt like my brain was rattling around in my head the whole time =P.

Now, a reoccurring theme with me when it comes to coming off of injuries is that I instantly want to go out and run ALL THE MILES… But obviously, that’s not exactly the smartest way to go about getting into running and often results in me re-injuring myself.

So today I hit up the elliptical. I am so sick of the elliptical at this point it’s not even funny. That being said, I believe that tomorrow’s workout will also be an elliptical one. Oh the joy…

I also did some strength training for the first time in about five thousand years. I am the very definition of a cardio queen… I just find cardio to be about a billion and one times more enjoyable than strength training (this is why I love Insanity and other plyometric workouts so much, they combine cardio with resistance), but I really need to get back into the habit of strength training regularly. I used to be so religious about making sure to have a balance between my cardio and strength training, and I definitely felt a lot better when I was doing a little strength training regularly.

I worked my legs and flutes and I can already tell that I am going to be in pain tomorrow… But a good kind of pain!

…

Like I said earlier, my mind has been even more of a mess than it normally is recently… And this has resulted in my being behind on pretty much everything. I am just completely overwhelmed by life and the world and school and then I get even more upset because I know that most people do so much more than me and that I have no right to be as overwhelmed as I am.

I actually opened up my Japanese text book today to try to start on the ten pages of homework that I had to do and to study for the test I had in the subject tomorrow earlier and wound up curled up in a ball shaking and crying (like I said, I’m kind of pathetic) for a couple of hours and got nothing done. I think I have to drop the class, I can’t handle anything or focus on anything and there really is no hope in my passing that class in my current mental state… And I am so disgusted and embarrassed about this fact. I used to be a really smart person and a good student. I was an above average student my whole life, got into one of the most difficult high schools on Long Island, and wound up in the honors track (every class I took was honors) all without really trying all that hard. These days, I struggle to remember anything and everything. I retain nothing that I read or learn, and I feel like a straight up idiot. Tack that on top of feeling like I am letting down my mom by not excelling in school or at life. I mean… What do I do? I have no job because every time I get a job, I wind up having a panic attack on the job and having to quit in change. I am in no clubs because I am too scared of being around people… And now I’m dropping a class that I really can’t afford to drop? I just… I don’t know.

Oh, and there is no way that I am graduating on time. I just feel like I am nothing but a financial and emotional burned on my mom… And I hate it.

All that said, I really am so lucky to have the mother that I do. I called her today in the middle of a panic attack, meaning I was hysterical and not making much sense, and she was nothing but kind and understanding. I am so lucky and really don’t’ deserve the absolutely amazing people that I have in my life. I also cried to my friend Shannon (she’s been not he blog before!), who was my one friend and savior at my last college. She just listened and helped me think a little bit more rationally.

So what am I doing?

What I really wanted this post to be about was how at peace I am currently feeling… Or was feeling. Writing about all of that negative junk that I just did has me a little anxious again. Good job Erin =P. But really.

Something that I really want to focus on is bettering myself in any way that I can so I that I can get myself to, well, become myself. Right now I feel as though I am just trapped in this depressed shell and I can’t get out. There are so many things that I want to accomplish and that I can’t currently accomplish because I am just so stuck. It’s kind of hard to go out into the world and try to accomplish your larger-than-life dreams when you struggle to get yourself out of bed in the morning and often can’t leave your building because you are too disgusted by yourself to be seen by others. Again, I know I’m kind of ridiculous.

One small thing that I have been trying to for myself is start practicing yoga regularly. I am the kind of person that I get frustrated when I am not good at something instantly (which is ridiculous). I don’t like being considered a “beginner” in anything, I get embarrassed and frustrated… But to begin anything, you kind of need to be a beginner.

Last week, I signed up for the 15 day free trial on YogaGlo, a huge website full of hundreds of online yoga classes of all styles. Obviously, once the 15 days is up I am going to have to cancel my membership. I don’t have the money… But I thought it would be a good place to start!

Truthfully, I haven’t practiced every day like I had planned on doing… But I have practiced twice, so it’s a start.

Before sitting down to write this post, I did a 20 minute vinyasa flow for balance and followed it up with something very out of character for me.

Meditation.

Meditation is one of those things that I always know that I should do, but I can never actually get myself to do. My mind is just too busy and I get too anxious and antsy every time I try to meditate. Or I make the lame excuse that I don’t have time.

But tonight, something compelled me to give this highly praised practice another shot… And it was amazing.

The specific type of meditation that I did was called Isha Kriya, and the practice was led by Kathryn Budig. It was a simple guided practice done in a seated position. The meditation session in its entirety was 15 minutes in length and consisted of 3 different sections.

The first part was breathing and mantras. You inhaled and said, “I am not my body,” and exhaled saying, “I am not even my mind.” This portion lasted about 7 minutes.

Next was 7 receptions of breathing in and exhaling as a sound. I don’t know the technical term for this portion, but the point of the sound was that it caused vibrations in your solar pled.

The final part of the meditation was the par that I thought would be the worst for me. In fact. going into the practice, I didn’t even think that I would be able to finish it. This portion of the meditation was just simple silent meditation. Normally, this is when my mind floods with thoughts, and they are more often than not negative ones. However, crazily enough, this didn’t happen this time. I was somehow able to keep my mind almost completely devoid of any real thoughts… And it was amazing.

Once the session was over, I just kind of sat there in a trance for a little while. I just felt calm and at peace and… Hopeful. I want to get my creativity back. I want to start doing more of the things that I love. And I want to do them because I want to do them instead of doing them because I feel as though I will be a failure if I don’t do them.

I’m thinking that tomorrow I’m going to explore this amazing city a little bit and take some photos. Growing up, I was always super into photography, but now I rarely do it.

I also want to make time to sit and work on my book. I have been trying to write this thing for years now, but it’s only about 15 pages at this point. I love writing. I really do… I don’t get why I so often forget that.

Oh, and the new Fall edition of the Tone It Up Nutrition Plan was released today, so that’s pretty darn rad.

Good night all!<3

Thinking Out Loud 10.9.2014 – Getting Deep Up In Here

Hey guys.

It’s, “Erin rambles on about the jumbled mess that are her thoughts,” day… Or, to put it in a better way, “Thinking Out Loud Thursday.”

Thanks Amanda for creating this link-up and actually giving me the mental strength to sit and type a post (wow, that was melodramatic).

Workout – 45 minutes of intervals on the elliptical.

1. Yup. As I briefly mentioned in my Monday post…. I’m still/yet again injured. I has been almost 2 weeks since my last “run” (ok, actually I ran 4 miles on Saturday because I thought I was healed, but I was wrong and am paying for it.

I strained a muscle in my lateral leg. The pain is most severe in my outer ankle area (hurts to the touch), but it pulls from my arch all the way up through my gluteal area. Not fun.

I just feel as though I am always injured, and yes, I am aware that I am to blame for this in a number of ways… But this just could not have come at a worse time.

Over the course of the last month or so, I have just been spiraling further and further down the rabbit hole of depression and self loathing. I am having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, I don’t feel up to talking to anyone (even if it is just over text messages), I don’t have the mental stamina to complete my school work. Basically, I just feel like curling up in a ball and turning the world around me off. The universe feels too big and loud and terrifying and I don’t feel strong enough to be a part of it.

During the course of this spiraling into a deep sea of depression, there was one single thing that filled me with hope and joy and a sense of meaning… Can you guess what it was?

If you said running, than you are correct.

In fact, the day that I discovered I was injured, I had a therapy appointment before I went to the doctor for my leg. We had an amazing session and we spoke about how bad I have been doing and how running has been my saving grace. She told me how important it is that I keep running, as it is the one thing that gets me out of bed in the morning and that makes taking on the world, while still almost impossible, somewhat bearable.

Of course, right after that appointment I was told that I couldn’t run again for a while.

I completely lost it.

Yup, embarrassing myself, as I frequently do, I started crying in the middle of the medical office. The worst part of not being able to control your emotions is knowing that your reaction to the given situation is inappropriate in respect to the situation. I just feel like a toddler throwing a fit over not getting a toy that they want or something. As a result, I wind up crying even harder because of how pathetic I feel. It is a vicious cycle.

On top of being in a black hole of depression already, not being able to run is a double whammy when it comes to worsening my already less-than-ideal mental state.

On one hand, running is my saving grace. It is my love. It is what I feel passionate about. It is the one thing that makes me feel like maybe I’m worth something. It makes me grateful to be alive in this wonderful, beautiful, and magical world of ours. it makes me thankful to be alive and to have a body, regardless of the size of it, that can carry me for miles and miles.

On the other hand, it is no secret that a lot of my issues stem from a deep loathing of myself, and, more specifically, my body. I was already freaking out over the fact that I feel as though I eat way too much and that I am gaining weight and getting bigger by what feels like the day. Now, I am unable to run or do intensive exercise. All I can do is the elliptical or the bike… Not exactly the top of the list calorie burning machines. I already wanted to get this extra weight off (which is almost impossible for me since I destroyed my metabolism with my eating issues…I really need to get back on track with working on that), but now it feels more impossible than ever. I feel and look puffy and larger. I don’t want to leave the room because I don’t want people to see me. I was already struggling with getting to class, now if feels almost impossible. In fact, I skipped out on two classes this week because I just physically could not get myself out the door. I just crumble… It’s bad.

I think the worst part is knowing on a logical level that a lot of it must be in my head. You don’t swell up 20 pounds over night, but to me it appears as though I do. I have trouble differentiating what is real and what is just a false projection from my disordered mind. It’s like there is this constant war going on inside my mind and I can’t make it stop.

It is exhausting… And quite honestly, I don’t know what to do about it.

Another piece of all of this is that I feel like every time I take one step in the right direction recovery wise, I wind up taking about 10 steps back. At the end of the summer, I was seeing progress, I really was. To others (mainly my mom), I know that it seemed as though therapy was doing nothing and I was in just as bad of a place as I had been for years… But I wasn’t. The thing with recovery is that it is a painfully slow process. Any change, infinitesimal as it may seem, is crucial and important. The recovering person notices them, but everyone around that person sees absolutely nothing.

I explained it, both to my mom and to my therapist, like this – For years now, I have hated my body. I obsess about what I look like, what people are seeing and thinking of my size, and how food is the enemy 100% of the time. At the end of the summer, these thoughts consumed my mind about 98.5% of the time. This 1.5% change of mentality may seem laughable in size… But to me is was huge. 

And now I’m back at 100% of the time for these bad thoughts… And I hate it.

I also feel like I am wasting my mom’s money on therapy and I am wasting my therapist’s time. I feel selfish for even going… I am just at a stand still.

2. SOMETHING MORE POSITIVE!!!!

There is actually one thing that fills me with as much joy as running does.

(from my Instagram)

It sounds stupid, but if I could be absolutely anything in the world, I would be a musician. Now, I’m not talking like a Taylor-Swift-status-billionaire-superstar status musician… I would just want to be in a band with a moderate fan base that I could love. Music is the most powerful form of expression in my opinion. I have wanted to be a lot of different things career-wise in my lifetime, and none of the career paths that I have aspired to really had anything in common. The only common factor among my passions in life is this overwhelming need to make people feel something. I think this is why writing has always been a reoccurring theme in my goals in life. When you read a good book, watch a powerful movie, or listen to beautiful music, it elicits some sort of emotion within in you. Words have the power to be your best friend, your biggest motivator. Words can make you feel less alone… And that is what I love so much about music.

I listen to music by bands who weave words with melody in ways that make my heart cry out. I listen to music that can bring a real smile to my face whilst also brining me to tears… And listening to live music? There is nothing better.

Jeremy McKinnon of A Day To Remember absolutely killing it. 

It sounds like a cliche from a bad teenage movie… But music really has saved my life in more ways than one. I have been listening to my favorite band, Silverstein, since 7th grade. 7th grade also happened to be the time where my depression really manifested into something truly nasty. I have continued listening to that band through the years. I know that every time I am having a really hard time, their music has been there for me, and it will continue to be there for me as long as I have hearing.

There is also something truly beautiful, at least to me, about being surrounded by hundreds of people who all have the same deep connection to a certain song or band that you do. We are all pressed together like sardines in a can, we are jumping, we are struggling to keep up with keeping the crowd surfers from falling to the floor. My hair is being pulled and I am being absolutely demolished by the people around me (don’t even ask how many bruises I have on my body right now)… And for some reason, being accidentally punched and kicked, being knocked over while trying to hold up a dude about twice the size of me, and being drenched in sweat that isn’t even my own… It’s beautiful.

So in conclusion, I have been doing really really awful lately… But I had one really great day on Saturday, so I am choosing to focus on that instead.

This too shall pass.

…Right?

Thinking Out Loud 8.21.2014

Hey!

Wow, I’m actually posting something… And it’s on a Thursday, so you know what that means!

Shout out, as always, to this link up’s lovely host.

1. Workout – 5 miles easy.

I have both a chest and head cold, so it goes without saying that this run was pretty meh. I had originally planned on going to the gym for some speed work before therapy, but I spent so much time talking myself out of it that I wound up too pressed for time… So a run it was! I almost stopped after 3 miles, but I didn’t have the time to walk the 2 miles home (I was running an out and back route)… So there’s that!

I normally do two a day workouts, but I was feeling so crummy all day that I wound up not doing anything but lying around and doing school things for a bulk of the day. I have to say, I am feeling extremely guilty and lazy and gross. Like I have mentioned a million times lately, I am gaining weight. Unfortunately, since I am very inclined to fall into unhealthy exercise and food habits, I have been feeling more and more pressure to workout as much as physically possible. This has resulted in my feeling lethargic, sick, and weak. I actually think that overtraining, in addition to stress, not sleeping, and grieving largely contributed to how sick I currently am.

2. New video went up on my Youtube channel yesterday!

Just me sharing a couple of things that I picked up from the thrift shop (I’m gonna pop some tags…) the other day. I know, so exciting right? Haul videos are actually one of my biggest internet guilty pleasures. I don’t know what it is, but I just love watching them… Even if they do just make me think about all of the things that I can’t afford.

*dramatic sigh*

3. I did a thing.

Yes, it is actually green. Yes, it is actually that neon (no editing or enhancing). Yes, I may regret it kinda-sorta a lot. I didn’t think I dyed as much of it as I did… So now I have neon green hair. Not exactly the best way to avoid attention when you go out in public.

3. I am supposed to move into my dorm on Saturday. I am dreading it more than anything to the point that I am in complete denial of my actually having to go.

I don’t know if it is due to how traumatic my experience at my last university was, or if it just my severe anxiety over change… But I just really don’t feel like I can handle this. I am dreading it so much, but I should be excited.

Everyone I am friends with on Facebook is posting about how unbelievably excited they are to be going back to their colleges to their dorms and their lives and their friends. So why am I not? Am I really that much of a failure that I can’t even handle school?

I truly don’t know what to do. I am at a point where I don’t even know if college is right for me. Thing is, I can’t afford not to go.

Yes, I could live at home and take classes at my local community college. That would be comfortable. That would be safe. But there is no room for growth there. Yes, I would have significantly less anxiety over school if I were to go the community college route. But I would never get out of this rut that I am in. I would get up, go to class, come home, and repeat. Every. Single. Day.

I wouldn’t have anything driving me to branch out and meet people (not that I am really feeling up to doing that yet), or to get involved. I wouldn’t have anything pushing me to start living. I would continue to just exist. I would continue to waste this blessed life that I was given.

I don’t know. I really don’t know what to do. I am excited for my classes. I am excited to be in the city everyday. I am not excited to live away from home. I am not excited to not have access to everything that I am used to and accustomed to. I have a set routine that I live my life by, and I get panicky just thinking about not being able to stick to my standard routine. Throw in the fear that I am going to have a roommate that judges me or thinks I’m weird or crazy or one that bullies me like I did last year into the mix and you have the recipe for a full-on breakdown.

I’m just really not ready for this. But I have no other option. I really hope that I can get my head on straight soon, because right now I feel like nothing but a failure, not only to my family, but also to myself.

Wow, this just got real depressing real fast. I’m sorry guys, I’m just at a rough point in my life I guess and this blog, while I really want it to be a positive place, is my one and only outlet. Like, you guys reading are the only people that I really have to talk to. So, if you do read this blog or watch my Youtube videos, I just hope that you know how unbelievably grateful I am to you.

I hope you all have a wonderful night and I will talk to you tomorrow. Got to get back on that being-consistant-with-my-blogging grind!

Oh, and I just want to leave you with this quote that I found.

=)

Check In and New Goals For The Week

Hey everyone.

Workout – Another speed workout!

Warm up – 2 minutes walk, 3 minutes jog.

Workout –

1 minute run fast

2 minutes jog recovery

repeat 5x

30 second sprint

1 minute recovery

repeat 10x

Cool down – 5 minutes jog to walk.

All done at level .5 elevation.

Aaand breakfast.

I have to say, this was the first time ever that I was actually able to taste the spinach in my smoothie bowl! So weird! It was still yummy though!

Also, remember those cupcakes I mentioned on Friday?

Yeah. They were a big hit.

I brought them to my cousin’s graduation party yesterday and they got rave reviews!

And I must say, the frosting job also wasn’t too shabby (for me… I’m the worst at frosting things). Very proud of myself!

Last Sunday, I set a few goals for myself for the week. So, I thought that I would perhaps do a little check in and update you all on how I have been doing in regards to reaching those goals!

Goal number 1 was to drink green tea. This was definitely the simplest goal that I set for myself, and it was definitely the one that I had the least trouble accomplishing.

The only downside to all the tea drinking is that as my tea intake goes up, my water intake goes down. I suppose that green tea is hydrating though so it’s ok… But still.

Unfortunately, the whole drink more green tea thing was the only goal that I really nailed this week. I did make some progress I guess, but not as much as I would have hoped I would.

I guess that breaking certain habits and changing behaviors takes time! I should be happy with the progress I am making instead of focusing what the progress that I haven’t.

Two of the goals that I set for myself were to eat more protein and to eat more normal meals. I will admit that my snack plates have still appeared more than once daily for meal… But I have taken a small step in the right direction!

I cooked up this stir fry twice this week for dinner!

 

 

And at yesterday’s party, I stepped way out of my comfort zone and challenged myself to some potato salad. I actually really don’t like potato salad at all.. But that stuff was so flipping good! That chicken teriyaki was also amazing (and yes, my food choices completely contradict yesterday’s post… I still don’t know what to do).

I know that it probably seems silly to consider something as simple as eating normal meals a challenge… But it’s something that I really struggle with. I know that my eating habits are bizarre most of the time, and honestly, I am embarrassed by it. I want to live this healthy lifestyle and my disordered eating habits are preventing that lifestyle that I want from being a reality.

 

I’m not setting many more goals for myself this week. I want to give these things that I am still struggling with all of my attention.

However, I do have one more goal to add to my list, and that is to incorporate more strength training into my weekly workout schedule!

I used to be super disciplined in doing strength training almost daily, but I sort of fell out of that habit when I went away to college and didn’t have my own set of dumbbells.

But now, being home, there really is no excuse.

As a distance runner, it should come as no surprise that I love my cardio. But I know that strength training is a crucial component in injury prevention and in improving my overall fitness!

Also, on the more shallow side of things, I have lost a lot of strength and muscle tone and am just generally not feeling good about my body and want some of my toned-ness back!

So here goes nothing!

Now I have to go work. I’m apparently going to be there until almost 1 in the morning… So I’m kind of freaking out.

Bye!

Tone It Up Bikini Series – Recap And Final Reflection

Hey everyone! I’ve been meaning to write this post since Saturday and am finally finding time to sit and take some time to write it.

So, as I have mentioned countless times before, I am a member of Tone It Up and have been for years. In case you have never heard of the Tone It Up (in which case… do you live under a rock?), it is business and community founded and run by best friends Katrina Hodgson and Karena Dawn. Tone It Up began as a Youtube channel and have since grown into a multi-million dollar company with tens of thousands of followers. K & K are unbelievable inspirational and have been my role-models since finding their Youtube channel in 2008. I could go on and on about how much I love them for forever, but instead I’ll just say that if you want to know more about Karena and Katrina as well as Tone It Up as a whole, you can read about them/it here.

This year marked the fourth year for Tone It Up’s Bikini Series, an annual challenge beginning in the spring and ending on the first day of summer. The goal is to get you into tip-top shape come bikini season (i.e. summer)!

Throughout the series, Karena and Katrina post weekly schedules for workouts on their website along with daily “Sunset Challenges” and post new toning routines each Tuesday. Participants are encouraged to check in daily via Instagram, Twitter, or in the Tone It Up Community with their meals and to offer encouragement to other Bikini Series participants!

(all from my Instagram)

For the sake of keeping this post from being obscenely long, you can read more about the Bikini Series here.

The Bikini Series is something that I look forward to every year and is something that I have been “participating” in since the very first one four years ago. Now, I put “participating” in quotations because every year I begin the series with good intentions… But every year, as I have mentioned before, I fail because I freak out and fall back into unhealthy habits.

This year, I wanted things to be different. I was/am so sick of constantly tormenting myself with guilt and fear and all of that other nonsense that prevents me from living the life that I want to. I want nothing more to be the image of health. I want to focus on eating healthy and nutrient dense foods instead of looking to get the least amount of calories in my meals. I want to be able to run fast and long and do it because I love it instead of doing hours of half-hearted workouts in hopes of burning as many calories as possible. I want to be fully recovered. I do.

It’s easier said than done… And more often than not, I convince myself that I don’t in fact want recovery… So this is my public reminder that I do want to be my best self, not my sickest self.

How does this ramble fit into the Bikini Series? Well, the Bikini Series was actually a huge proponent in my finally realizing just how badly I want to be a true example of a healthy and happy human being. The Bikini Series brings an unbelievable amount of beautiful, kind, and inspiring women together to work hard and support each other in a loving and positive community.

I really do have to say that I have never experience anything but positivity within the Tone It Up/Bikini Series community. Yes, I do realize that negative comments and statements are probably monitored and promptly deleted, but for the most part, I do think that the following surrounding Tone It Up is predominantly made up of kind-hearted people who genuinely want the best for all of the other women pursuing the same goal that they are: their best self.

Going onto my Instagram every day and seeing check in after check in of healthy meals and workouts and smiles from beautiful women of all ages, sizes, and backgrounds. Seeing all of these ladies succeeding in moving towards their best self really gave me the push that I needed on days where I would have much fathered skip lunch in favor of a calorie-free coffee.

In addition to the wonderful Tone It Up community, Karena and Katrina never fail to inspire me to strive for health. Like I said earlier, I discovered these two amazing ladies back in 2008 when I was just a self-conscious 8th grader who wanted to lose weight.

This may sound dramatic, but finding their videos on Youtube all those years ago truly changed my life forever. I found my love for fitness, I found my desire to pursue a career in healthy living (although I have swapped out my major in exercise science for journalism, I still want to personal train and be a fitness instructor more than anything), I found a desire to create Youtube videos to create and share my thoughts and ideas with the world (I finally worked up the courage to pursue that dream this year!)… I just can’t even properly explain to you how immense of an impact Tone It Up has had on my life.

I started this Bikini Series wanting to lose weight, although I know i probably didn’t need to, but not ready to dive in full force since I knew that I most likely would gain weight if I ate more.

I ended this Bikini Series focusing less on the weight and more on the mindset. I’ve been trying to think less and just live. Can I say that I’m recovered and now I can eat whatever I want without a second thought about how many calories are in it? No. Can I say that I allow my body the proper amount of rest that it needs between workouts? Unfortunately, no.. I can’t. But I can say that I am getting there. 

For over 3 years not I have felt nothing but stuck. I wasn’t getting sicker, but I also wasn’t getting better. I gained weight without upping my calorie intake which caused my restricting even more out of complete terror that eating 5 extra calories would cause my weight to go up overnight again.

Yesterday, I weighed myself for the first time since my body completely betrayed me two years ago… Gaining almost 20 pounds in less than a month even though I was existing on less that 1000 calories a day and running competitively. I don’t know how I feel about the number… I didn’t feel much of anything about it actually. I wasn’t happy about the number, but it also didn’t cause me to workout an extra hour that day and skip breakfast. It was just a number.

I know it doesn’t seem like that is much, but it is everything to me.

This Bikini Series has put me on the path to a long overdue change that needed to be made. Don’t get me wrong, I am nowhere near where I need to be yet… But I’m closer. Even if I have only creeped an inch forward on the journey towards recovery, it is an inch more than I have moved in years. 

I am so thankful to Tone It Up, the Bikini Series, and all of the incredible women who took part in the challenge for inspiring me each and every day to try to be my best self. I am thankful for the women who showed me that you don’t have to be perfect all the time, that you don’t have to punish yourself for a slip up, and that everyone is worth something.

Even me.

Weekend Recap

Hey everyone! Sorry for the lack of a post yesterday and for the fact that this post is going to be mostly photos.

Although, for some it may be preferable to just look at pictures instead of reading my usual nonsensical rants… If that’s the case, this is the post for you dear reader!

Anyway, this weekend was a mess of rushing around and trying to get things done that needed to get done but not actually accomplishing any of said things.

Saturday, I woke up and tested the waters with a run before heading out to Bed Bath and Beyond to get a present for my cousin’s engagement party that I had to go to later that day!

I thought I took a picture of the (absolutely amazing) marketplace inside of Bed Bath and Beyond… But apparently I didn’t so here’s a selfie from outside of Bed Bath and Beyond instead because it’s basically the same thing.

I had never been in once of the huge Bed Baths before (the one closest to me is pretty small) so I had never been enlightened to how ABSOLUTELY AMAZING THOSE PLACES ARE! They had a whole international market section that had all of this cool food and drink from all over the world.

I wanted everything, but instead I just left with the engagement present, a bottle of Speculoos flavored syrup, and some tea. I’m exciting.

I didn’t actually take any pictures at the engagement party (I know I promised you a picture of the finished product of those oreo things that I showed you on Saturday) because I wound up only being able to stay for an hour before I had to leave for a concert!

I actually wound up going to see Paramore and Fall Out Boy at the Monument Tour with my best friend! I didn’t know I was going until the day of… Cody just happened to have an extra ticket and needed someone to go with him so obviously I had to take one for the team.

I don’t think I have listened to a Paramore song since their Riot album back in 7th(?) grade. They were a lot better than I expected and played quite a few songs off of Riot so I got to sing along!

Finally, after Paramore’s set ended, Fall Out Boy came on and completely killed it! I have seen FOB 3 times in the past year and they never fail to impress me.

Also, Patrick Stump (the lead singer) has the most angelic voice on the planet… I’m not fully convinced that he is in fact a human. Cody and I have a theory that he may be a robot… A person can’t just be that adorable and talented and humble all at once.

Today was another day of running around and not getting anything that I needed to be done done.

Although, I did (possibly) finish registering for the classes I will be taking this fall! Progress!

Question(s):

What was the last concert you went to?

Best thing you did this weekend?

 

Summer Is Here!

Hey everyone!

Guess what…

Guess…

Guess.

Did you guess what?

Ok, I’ll tell you.

It’s officially summer!

Admittedly, given that I have been out of school for over a month, it has felt like summer for a while. However, it’s still exciting that it’s officially summertime!

With spring ending and summer beginning, this also brings Tone It Up’s Bikini Series to an end. I have been participating in the Bikini Series since the very first one 4 years ago and this has been, by far, the best one yet! 

Every year I have tried to stick the Bikini Series, and every year I have failed due to my refusal to let go of my disordered habits and mindset.

Obviously, this year hasn’t been perfect. As I’m sure you’re all well aware of due to my obnoxious amounts of thoughtful and mildly depressing posts recently, I’ve struggled. However, I have to say that the community that Tone It Up provides through Instagram, Twitter, and their Community, has really helped me through the rough patches. It’s just a really wonderful and supportive community of wonderful women who want nothing more than to help each other. I’m just very thankful that I found Tone It Up all those years ago back in 2008 when I was just an 8th grader who hated her body and wanted to change.

I’m going to do a full post summarizing the Bikini Series and my experience later on this week =).

This morning, upon waking up I decided to test the waters and go out for an easy (and I mean easy) 4 mile run.

Again, I have yet to master the whole “take a non-blurry picture whilst running” thing.

I lucked out in the sense that my local bird sanctuary was actually open this morning (it has really weird hours and is typically only open noon-3) which meant that I got to run on a non-cement surface. I definitely find running on grass more difficult, especially when the terrain as uneven as it is in my local bird sanctuary… But I know that it’s better for my joints.

I was feeling hopeful when I made it through the first 2 miles with absolutely no pain, but then I began to feel my knee act up for about a half mile before the pain dissipated again. I guess I’ll be sticking to the pool for a while longer.

Bummer.

I have to say though, swimming has been killing my shoulders and arms like no other! Maybe by the time I’m no longer injured I’ll actually have some upper body strength!

Now I’m off to go get a present for my cousin’s engagement party later!

I’m also bringing them a sweet treat.

You’ll see the finished product later 😉

Final note: I made the best smoothie bowl to date this morning.

Ok, time to stop procrastinating and get stuff done!

Mileage Guilt?

Hey everyone! It’s my favorite day of the week!
I don’t actually know why it’s my favorite day… I’ve just always really loved Thursdays.

So yesterday morning for my workout I did something that I haven’t done in years…

I swam.

 

(I think people judged me while I creepily took a photo of my gym’s pool through the window.)

My workout went like this:

20 lap warm up

5 x 2 lap freestyle sprints with 20 squats and 20 crunches between sets

5 x 2 lap sprints alternating between breast stroke and butterfly

20 lap cool down

My arms are definitely feeling this today…. I need to get back into swimming shape. This whole workout just made me happy.

The goggle indents you get under your eyes after a swim workout as just oh-so-attractive.

Fun Fact: I was actually a swimmer for a majority of my life. Growing up, I played pretty much every sport that I possibly could, but swimming was the only one (apart for dance) that I really loved, was dedicated to, and was actually okay-ish at. I was a swimmer way before I was a runner! Actually, I really thought that running was the only sport I actually hated haha… Funny how things changed.

But yeah, I was involved in swimming every winter up until high school and every summer up through my sophomore year of high school.

Then, I just kind of stopped. Yes, a part of the reason I stopped swimming was because I was involved in my cross country and track teams and had also aged out of my summer swim team… But the main reason, I am embarrassed to say, was that I just didn’t want to be in a bathing suit. 

The water has always been my happy place. I could be in the ocean for hours at a time, I pretty much lived in the pool in the summer, and swimming laps made me feel like I was flying. I loved it. Then, although I have had awful body image issues for as long as I can remember, the idea of people seeing me in something as skimpy as as swim suit (even the one-piece that I wore for laps/swim team) was too horrifying of a thought that I gave up on something that I loved.

What’s even worse is that I actually convinced myself that there were other reasons that I stopped swimming… And one of them was that it would reduce my weekly mileage.

Wait… What?

Yeah. While I was swimming yesterday, I did a lot of thinking (crazy what your brain does without the stimulation that music normally gives it during my workouts).

For the most part, my thoughts were about how great I was feeling, and this lead me to think, “Why did I ever stop doing this in the first place?” And, “I really should do this more.”

So why don’t I?

Body image aside, the fact of the matter is that if I start incorporating more swimming workouts would mean decreasing my overall weekly mileage.. Unless I added swimming on top of my usual speed workouts and runs… Which isn’t happening.

I just don’t want my mileage to drop… And why?

(Wow, I ask a lot of rhetorical questions don’t I..?)

(I also use parenthesis way more than I probably should).

(I’m going to stop now).

I don’t know about any of you, but I doubt that I’m alone here in the fact that I feel pressured by some unknown being (read: the crazy part of my mind) to keep my weekly mileage at a certain number. I feel like if I drop below a certain number I can’t really consider myself a “real runner.” Because of this, I feel pressured to run almost every day of the week and only leave cross-training (which is something that I actually really enjoy) once or twice because God-forbid that I don’t run X amount of miles a week.

I know that I have been writing about exercise guilt and the pressure to be, “a real runner,” a lot lately, and I apologize if it’s super annoying and negative sounding. It’s just something that I have really been struggling with and I know that many other people do as well.

Whether it be the number of miles you feel that you should run, the amount of time that you feel you should workout, or something not even related to fitness, I believe that most of us feel some sort of pressure to be, “enough.” But who are we even trying to be enough for? No one actually cares how many miles your run or whether you worked out for 15 minutes or 150 minutes yesterday. No one is judging you. You are enough.

Just do me a favor and remember that ok?

Monday Minutes

Hey all.

Today was another day full of getting things done for this upcoming school year. I seriously can’t believe how much goes into transferring colleges! I expected it to be a lot easier than this.

This morning started with Fitness Blender‘s “When I Say Jump Workout” before taking my brother to school.

After taking him to school, I had to rush to make a train into the city to take care of some things for school. I also had to take the subway for the first time by myself. EEK!

It actually went pretty smoothly. It took me a while just to navigate my school itself (the amount of people who asked me if I was lost is embarrassing), but eventually I found the Health Office where I had to turn in my immunization forms and now I am finally cleared to register for classes!

 

Also, apparently cupcake ATMs are a thing.

HOW COOL IS THIS THING? I kind of really wanted to try it out, and I don’t even like cupcakes!

Alas, I did not try out the fancy cupcake ATM… Perhaps another time.

I wound up getting lost on my way back to the train station (I walked all the way there from school which wasn’t my best idea), and only just made my train. I had planned on doing a little shopping around and exploring while in the city, but that didn’t wind up happening. Guess that’s better for my wallet though!

I did, however, find an awesome and new-to-me snack for the train ride home!

This stuff is really really crunchy and is actually really good as long as you don’t mind the taste of spirulina (the other flavors mask it, but since it’s so strong you still taste it). I don’t really like that one of the ingredients is sugar but hey, it’s not too shabby for a snack I picked up from a drug store!

When I got home, I ate and hung out for a bit, spent way too much time trying to register for the classes that I need to take (most of which are already full), and finally did Insanity: Plyometric Cardio Circuit. I don’t think I will ever get sick of the Insanity workouts.

I really need sleep and the goal here is that I am going to try to actually get to bed before midnight tonight.

Hope you all had a great day!

 

What I Do Have

Wow. Okay. It’s been WAY too long guys…

Between being busy as physically possible, technical problems, and personal issues, I haven’t really been able/felt up to writing a blog post of any kind the last couple of days. In fact, today especially is a day where I just feel like crawling into a ball and cutting off all forms of communication with the world.

Obviously, today is Father’s day. I’m not sure if I have mentioned this (I probably have, I am actually the worst at remembering what I have posted about on this blog), but I lost my dad 3 years ago to an aggressive form of brain cancer. It took his life within 2 weeks of diagnosis, the tumor growing from a centimeter to the size of a golfball in just that short time. This also happened to occur right after I had just been hospitalized for my eating disorder (we went into the hospital one day apart and he was diagnosed the day that I finally was discharged).

Long story short, Father’s Day is tough for me… And I know all too well that it is tough for many others.

Never the less, I actually had a really nice day.

My day started out at 6:30 with a trip to the gym and 45 minutes of intervals on the elliptical. My knee was bothering me a little bit on my long run yesterday so the elliptical and I may or may not become besties for the next couple of days.

After my workout, I showered at the gym and headed home to eat breakfast (read:smoothie bowl) and get ready for church/the rest of the day.

Originally, the plan was to go to Sagamore Hill (where Teddy Roosevelt lived!) for an hour or so with my uncle and cousin… But apparently it was closed off for some event, so plans had to change. Lucky for me, we wound up at one of my favorite places.

A local arboretum!

Basically, it’s just a huge estate that was owned by an incredibly wealthy family back in the day. The grounds are full of beautiful gardens and greenhouses filled with exotic plants.

The mansion also happened to be open to the public today (last time we came it wasn’t), and it was absolutely incredible. It is just mind boggling to think that this castle-like mansion actually housed a real family. People’s lives were where I was standing… I don’t know, it just felt surreal in a way.

After we were done exploring, we parted with my uncle and cousin and headed home where we then invited my maternal grandparents over for dinner.

I was in charge of dessert.

I made this cinnamon-roll swirled coffee cake from Averie’s blog, and man-oh-man did it get rave reviews!

I also got to spend some quality time with the greatest man I know.

Instead of focusing on what I don’t have, I really want to focus on what I do. I have an absolutely amazing, close-knit family, both immediate and extended. In fact, my second cousins are my best friends and my great-aunt lives next door to me. I don’t know many other people who can say that.

No, I don’t have my dad, my best friend, my superhero, and my biggest support system anymore… And it completely sucks. However, I do have so many amazing people in my life and I am so blessed.

I am thankful.