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Thinking Out Loud 10.9.2014 – Getting Deep Up In Here


Hey guys.

It’s, “Erin rambles on about the jumbled mess that are her thoughts,” day… Or, to put it in a better way, “Thinking Out Loud Thursday.”

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Thanks Amanda for creating this link-up and actually giving me the mental strength to sit and type a post (wow, that was melodramatic).

Workout – 45 minutes of intervals on the elliptical.

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1. Yup. As I briefly mentioned in my Monday post…. I’m still/yet again injured. I has been almost 2 weeks since my last “run” (ok, actually I ran 4 miles on Saturday because I thought I was healed, but I was wrong and am paying for it.

I strained a muscle in my lateral leg. The pain is most severe in my outer ankle area (hurts to the touch), but it pulls from my arch all the way up through my gluteal area. Not fun.

I just feel as though I am always injured, and yes, I am aware that I am to blame for this in a number of ways… But this just could not have come at a worse time.

Over the course of the last month or so, I have just been spiraling further and further down the rabbit hole of depression and self loathing. I am having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, I don’t feel up to talking to anyone (even if it is just over text messages), I don’t have the mental stamina to complete my school work. Basically, I just feel like curling up in a ball and turning the world around me off. The universe feels too big and loud and terrifying and I don’t feel strong enough to be a part of it.

During the course of this spiraling into a deep sea of depression, there was one single thing that filled me with hope and joy and a sense of meaning… Can you guess what it was?

If you said running, than you are correct.

In fact, the day that I discovered I was injured, I had a therapy appointment before I went to the doctor for my leg. We had an amazing session and we spoke about how bad I have been doing and how running has been my saving grace. She told me how important it is that I keep running, as it is the one thing that gets me out of bed in the morning and that makes taking on the world, while still almost impossible, somewhat bearable.

Of course, right after that appointment I was told that I couldn’t run again for a while.

I completely lost it.

Yup, embarrassing myself, as I frequently do, I started crying in the middle of the medical office. The worst part of not being able to control your emotions is knowing that your reaction to the given situation is inappropriate in respect to the situation. I just feel like a toddler throwing a fit over not getting a toy that they want or something. As a result, I wind up crying even harder because of how pathetic I feel. It is a vicious cycle.

On top of being in a black hole of depression already, not being able to run is a double whammy when it comes to worsening my already less-than-ideal mental state.

On one hand, running is my saving grace. It is my love. It is what I feel passionate about. It is the one thing that makes me feel like maybe I’m worth something. It makes me grateful to be alive in this wonderful, beautiful, and magical world of ours. it makes me thankful to be alive and to have a body, regardless of the size of it, that can carry me for miles and miles.

On the other hand, it is no secret that a lot of my issues stem from a deep loathing of myself, and, more specifically, my body. I was already freaking out over the fact that I feel as though I eat way too much and that I am gaining weight and getting bigger by what feels like the day. Now, I am unable to run or do intensive exercise. All I can do is the elliptical or the bike… Not exactly the top of the list calorie burning machines. I already wanted to get this extra weight off (which is almost impossible for me since I destroyed my metabolism with my eating issues…I really need to get back on track with working on that), but now it feels more impossible than ever. I feel and look puffy and larger. I don’t want to leave the room because I don’t want people to see me. I was already struggling with getting to class, now if feels almost impossible. In fact, I skipped out on two classes this week because I just physically could not get myself out the door. I just crumble… It’s bad.

I think the worst part is knowing on a logical level that a lot of it must be in my head. You don’t swell up 20 pounds over night, but to me it appears as though I do. I have trouble differentiating what is real and what is just a false projection from my disordered mind. It’s like there is this constant war going on inside my mind and I can’t make it stop.

It is exhausting… And quite honestly, I don’t know what to do about it.

Another piece of all of this is that I feel like every time I take one step in the right direction recovery wise, I wind up taking about 10 steps back. At the end of the summer, I was seeing progress, I really was. To others (mainly my mom), I know that it seemed as though therapy was doing nothing and I was in just as bad of a place as I had been for years… But I wasn’t. The thing with recovery is that it is a painfully slow process. Any change, infinitesimal as it may seem, is crucial and important. The recovering person notices them, but everyone around that person sees absolutely nothing.

I explained it, both to my mom and to my therapist, like this – For years now, I have hated my body. I obsess about what I look like, what people are seeing and thinking of my size, and how food is the enemy 100% of the time. At the end of the summer, these thoughts consumed my mind about 98.5% of the time. This 1.5% change of mentality may seem laughable in size… But to me is was huge. 

And now I’m back at 100% of the time for these bad thoughts… And I hate it.

I also feel like I am wasting my mom’s money on therapy and I am wasting my therapist’s time. I feel selfish for even going… I am just at a stand still.

2. SOMETHING MORE POSITIVE!!!!

There is actually one thing that fills me with as much joy as running does.

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(from my Instagram)

It sounds stupid, but if I could be absolutely anything in the world, I would be a musician. Now, I’m not talking like a Taylor-Swift-status-billionaire-superstar status musician… I would just want to be in a band with a moderate fan base that I could love. Music is the most powerful form of expression in my opinion. I have wanted to be a lot of different things career-wise in my lifetime, and none of the career paths that I have aspired to really had anything in common. The only common factor among my passions in life is this overwhelming need to make people feel something. I think this is why writing has always been a reoccurring theme in my goals in life. When you read a good book, watch a powerful movie, or listen to beautiful music, it elicits some sort of emotion within in you. Words have the power to be your best friend, your biggest motivator. Words can make you feel less alone… And that is what I love so much about music.

I listen to music by bands who weave words with melody in ways that make my heart cry out. I listen to music that can bring a real smile to my face whilst also brining me to tears… And listening to live music? There is nothing better.

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Jeremy McKinnon of A Day To Remember absolutely killing it. 

It sounds like a cliche from a bad teenage movie… But music really has saved my life in more ways than one. I have been listening to my favorite band, Silverstein, since 7th grade. 7th grade also happened to be the time where my depression really manifested into something truly nasty. I have continued listening to that band through the years. I know that every time I am having a really hard time, their music has been there for me, and it will continue to be there for me as long as I have hearing.

There is also something truly beautiful, at least to me, about being surrounded by hundreds of people who all have the same deep connection to a certain song or band that you do. We are all pressed together like sardines in a can, we are jumping, we are struggling to keep up with keeping the crowd surfers from falling to the floor. My hair is being pulled and I am being absolutely demolished by the people around me (don’t even ask how many bruises I have on my body right now)… And for some reason, being accidentally punched and kicked, being knocked over while trying to hold up a dude about twice the size of me, and being drenched in sweat that isn’t even my own… It’s beautiful.

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So in conclusion, I have been doing really really awful lately… But I had one really great day on Saturday, so I am choosing to focus on that instead.

This too shall pass.

…Right?

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August In A Flash


Hey! 

Workout – A low impact workout sounded like a good idea this morning. I banged my knee pretty badly the other day and bruised the muscle. I’m not exactly the best at icing (I detest it so much… But I really should do it more)… So, I woke up this morning to a pretty gnarly looking bruise and a lot of swelling.

Tried a new to me elliptical workout from FitSugar.

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And enjoyed my last smoothie bowl for a while (I got back to school today) post workout. Threw some spinach into the mix to get some more greens in before having to go back to school as well.

 

 

 

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Topped with coconut chips and Loni Jane’s “rawnola.” The stuff seriously tastes like cookie dough. So flipping good.

 

So, terrifyingly enough, today is the first day of September! September has never exactly been my favorite month… I mean, not only does it mark the end of summer, but it’s just such an uneventful month! Not only is the celebration of summer over, but there are no holidays or festivities either. 

That being said, while August was a pretty rough month for me between losing my cousin, my severe panic attacks forcing me to quit my job in a less-than ideal way, and just having been in a bad place in general… There definitely were some good points in the month of August that I would rather focus on. 

So in August I was…

Reading…

I actually have yet to finish any of the books that I started in the month of August. I just haven’t been in the right mindset to sit and read. However, towards the end of the month when I was finding myself spending a lot of time on the train back and forth from the city, I’ve been making it a point to bring a book with me!

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I have mentioned this book before, and it really is a gem.

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Yes, another nutrition book revolving around a high-carb and plant-based diet. I have just really been interested in this particular type of diet recently and want to learn as much about it as I can… I also am loving getting proven information from accredited sources instead of all of the extremist types that I am finding on Youtube (not there are no good advocates of this lifestyle on Youtube). I just always love to know the science behind certain claims made in the health and fitness world.

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I only started this book the other day… But I feel like it needs to be mentioned! Haruki Murakami is a genius and his writing style is just… I can’t even describe it. I just want to highlight every sentence to read over and over again because he weaves words together so beautifully. 

 

Listening To…

Brand New. Brand New. Brand New.

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This concert was seriously one of the greatest experiences of my life. Not only was it the highlight of my month music-wise… But I think it was just the highlight of my month in general.

Also, I got to go with my best friend. So that made it all the more amazing.

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Eating…

Need I even say it?

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Nom.

Seeing…

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I have taken in some pretty beautiful sights this month.

Other things…

I dyed my hair green.

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I embarked on a new life journey at a new school in a new “home.”

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I have remained consistent with my Youtube channel and have really pushed out of what would typically be my comfort zone.

As someone with a self confidence that is, to say the least, abysmal, putting myself on camera isn’t exactly easy. It’s hard enough when it is just my face on camera… But my latest video was a cookbook, which involves showing my entire self… Body and all. It may not seem like all that big of a deal, but it was seriously one of the most difficult things that I did this month. I’m kind of proud of myself so sucking it up and making myself so through with it.

 

So there you have it; August in a nutshell. 

 

Question(s):

1. What have you been loving this month?

2. When is the last time you pushed yourself out of your comfort zone? What did you do?

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Music Makes Me Feel Alive…


Hey!

I have no idea why, but up until about 5 minutes ago, I was thoroughly convinced that today was Monday. I had just had breakfast, was making some green tea, and was going to sit down and write a Mental Health Monday post. Gosh, I felt so on top of things and productive… But apparently it’s Sunday. Whoops. So I have to changing gears a bit! Workout: My knee felt a little bit off today, so I figured it would be best to stick with a low-impact workout. Enter the stair master! IMG_6472 I went for one of my go to stair master workouts from Blogilates. As per usual, I adjusted the workout a bit to cater to my needs (I swapped minutes 28-35 with 35-45 and upped the steps per minute by about 10 for everything except for the warm up and cool down). I have to say, I don’t feel like I get the best workout in regards to my heart rate increasing and calorie burning when I do the stair master… I do, however, feel like a flipping beast. I actually remember my first attempt at the stair master. It was a couple of years ago, I had just come off of cross country season and was looking for a good way to cross train. Woman cannot survive on the elliptical alone (actually you can, but I just really wanted to try and be funny… fail), so I decided to hop on the stair master since it seemed like a great way to work my legs. I think I lasted 10 minutes… 15 at most. And this was right after cross country season, so I was definitely in shape. Better shape than I am currently. However, the muscles required for the stair master are obviously different than those used in running. I don’t know, it’s just kind of nice to be able to look back on that while I am doing a stair master workout as a reminder that I really have come far on this fitness journey of mine. IMG_6474 Not my best smoothie bowl. I still don’t have acai, so I made it with non-fat greek yogurt and it wound up just making me feel pretty sick. Normally, even though I am lactose intolerant, I can take greek yogurt due to the probiotics in it… Today was obviously not one of those days. So last night was pretty rad. IMG_6405   That photo was actually taken by my friend Cody (he’s pretty much the only friend I ever talk about on this blog… So if I ever say my best friend, I mean Cody) because I am approximately two feet tall and couldn’t see anything. He saw my struggle to get a photo and offered to take a few for me. What an angel that kid is. I’m sure that I have mentioned this before on here, but I live for live music. This summer alone I have seen Fall Out Boy, Paramore, State Champs, Yellowcard, Motionless in White, Mayday Parade, Front Porch Step, Say Anything, The Front Bottoms, Bowling for Soups, and now… Brand New!

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(I took this one… I may have had to stand on my tippy-toes to get it.)

If you have never heard of Brand New before, I strongly suggest that you check them out. Some of the songs I would recommend include: “Jesus/Jesus Christ,” “Sic Transit Gloria Fades,” “Guernica,” “Degausser,” “Daisy,”… Ok, I would honestly suggest any and every song by them.

Have you picked up on the fact that they are one of my favorite bands yet?

I get chills just thinking about the fact that I got to see them perform that song (my all time favorite by them) live last night. It’s surreal to me.

I just had a really good night and I am so grateful to have been able to get the tickets (I had to sit at my computer and buy them the second that they went on sale… Brand New tickets always sell out immediately), was able to experience live music that really elicits a special, almost indescribably so, feeling of gratitude and happiness within me, and that I was able to share the experience with my best friend.

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I am so thankful for the times that make me feel alive. I know that I have previously addressed that fact that most of the time, I feel as though I am not living but just simply existing… And last night made me feel alive.

I am just really happy.

 

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life, Uncategorized

Acai Love and Warped Tour


Hey everyone! Happy Sunday!

My morning started off with me being up at 6:30 and debating whether or not to forgo my planned swim workout in favor of some more (desperately needed) sleep.

Well… After almost a half an hour of trying to make a decision, I ended up at the gym.

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My workout looked like this:

Warmup – 150m freestyle

100m breaststroke

100m freestyle pull

Workout – 200m freestyle moderate pace

8x25m sprints IM order (butterfly, backstroke, breaststroke, freestyle)

200m freestyle moderate pace

4×25 freestyle kick sprint

4×25 breaststroke kick sprint

200m freestyle moderate pace

100m breaststroke moderate pace

Cooldown –  100m freestyle

100m breaststroke

100m freestyle pull

Done!

Post shower and workout, I headed over to the grocery store to pick up ingredients for chicken soup (my mom’s really sick, so I figured soup would be a good idea) as well as the fixings for my my recent food obsession.

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Hello there beautiful.

Acai bowls are all the rage lately… And I can definitely see why.

In my mix –

Acai Smoothie Pack (I get the Sambazon ones with no added sugar)

Frozen mango

Maca Powder

Stevia

Ice

Fresh Grapfuit Juice

Toppings – Coconut “chips,” fresh strawberries, and cinnamon.

So good. Acai bowls may take the place of my banana ice cream bowls for a while… And that’s saying something, considering how much I love my banana smoothie bowls.

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Yesterday’s bowl was pretty similar except there was no maca and there were some freeze dried bananas and some blackberries. It was also enjoyed post a painless run!

I remembered to wear my knee brace while running yesterday and it really made a world of a difference!

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At 9:30am, I had to leave for Vans Warped Tour, aka, my favorite day of the year. It was a wonderful day filled with great music and amazing friends.

It also happened to be one of the most exhausting days ever, what with it being outside all day with you on your feet with no food and 1 bottle of water from 11am-9pm!

All that exhaustion (and sunburn… ouch) is always so worth it though =)! I’m just worried about working until midnight tonight. I may just fall asleep while packaging oils and cheeses (I work in a restaurant).

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SECRETS ! One of my favorite bands and they were absolutely insane live!

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If you ever have the opportunity to see Bowling For Soup in concert… Do it. I don’t even know much of their music apart from 1985, but they are hilarious and put on such a fun show. This scene occurred during a, “unique Bowling For Soup photo opportunity,” where they stopped in the middle of their set and started posing for pictures.

They also played the Phineas and Ferb theme song.

Oh yes.

Have an amazing day you guys!

 

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Friday Favorites

Friday Favorites 7.11.2014


Hey everyone!

Somehow, another week has gone by. It’s actually terrifying how fast this summer is flying by… Is it really almost the middle of July already?

Anyway, let’s talk about the things I have been loving this week!

1. Favorite Workout: Thursday’s 6 miler.

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Although having a bit of knee pain during my run was discouraging, it was great to get back out there again and to actually feel good on my run. I was happy (for the most part) with my pace, the weather was perfect, and it was one of those runs where it just flew by because I was able to really just get lost in my thoughts. I am so happy to be running again, even if it is only a handful of miles a week.

2. Favorite Sip

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I’m a huge tea person, and one of my favorite ways to enjoy tea is to combine different types of tea together.

My current favorite tea combo is Yogi Ginger Tea and Trader Joe’s Pomegranate White Tea with lemon and stevia. So good. 10/10 do recommend.

Also, I have a ridiculous amount of stomach issues and recently they have been worse than usual… So I’m trying to drink as much ginger tea as possible!

3. Favorite Eats

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The (embarrassingly large) snack plate obsession is going strong.

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I attempted to make raw vegan sushi! A majority of it just fell apart (and were eaten) while I was attempting to cut it, but the pieces that actually resembled sushi were pretty darn good! I’m thinking that the issue may have been my needing a sharper knife. All of the knives in my house are in desperate need of some good sharpenings.

4. Favorite Look

I am absolutely obsessed with all of the outfits in this post on the fashion blog Feral Creature. Seriously… Can I just own every single article of clothing in these photos? And have her hair? …Please?

5. Favorite Internet Find

Just watch this video ok? So beautiful and powerful. Just watch it.

 

Now I really have to get some rest. Warped Tour (the greatest event of the year) is tomorrow!

Question(s):

What have you been loving this week?

Ever make sushi before? Did yours fall apart too? Or are you some sushi-making prodigy? 

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life, Uncategorized

Frazzled


Hey everyone!

Today was one of those days where you just are so frazzled that you have absolutely no clue what day it is.

First thing’s first, I want to talk about yesterday! I was hardly home so I really couldn’t get a post in, and when I finally was home it was after 3am and I just crashed!

Yesterday, I started my morning off with another swim workout!

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I was short on time so this mile swim workout was absolutely perfect! Plus, those kick drills were absolutely killer. When I’m swimming (especially in freestyle), my kicking is always a lot smaller and less powerful than it should be… Meaning my (weak) arms do most of the work which obviously isn’t the way it is supposed to be… I’ll definitely be adding the workout to my usual rotation!

Also, as much as I hate the fact that I can’t run, I love that swimming is strengthening all of the muscles in both my arms and legs that I don’t normally use for running. I’m hoping that by evening out my muscle strengths with cross training will help prevent injury in the future.

That being said, I really really need to heal up and run again.

After my swim, I took a quick shower and headed right over to my chiropractor to finally have my knee checked out. As I expected, I have patellofemoral pain syndrome (runner’s knee)… Which I guess is a good thing because that means that there’s no actual damage in my knee area. She did some ultrasound on it (ultrasound is a miracle worker, I swear) and recommended that I wear a knee brace, especially when I run.

Note to self: go buy that knee brace tomorrow!

Later on in the day, I headed into the city with my friend for a concert! I’ve gone to concerts too weekends in a row and I am definitely not complaining! =)

IMG_5017This picture is super blurry, but the hole-punch marks on my train ticket looked like little bats and it made me a lot happier than it probably should have.

We saw The Front Bottoms and Say Anything, a band that I have loved since 6th grade.

I don’t even know how to formulate words to properly describe just how amazing of a show it was. I love music more than I love most things… In fact, if I could choose one thing to do with my life, it would be music.

The Front Bottoms were absolutely amazing and so much fun.

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And Say Anything just completely killed it. I was able to finagle my way all the way up front (where I took quite a few elbows to the head by sweaty men but hey…) and it was just so much fun.

And Max Bemis (their lead singer) is the man.

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Also, this made me really happy.

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Empire State Building lit up for pride =). So thankful to be able to call New York my city.

Today was just busy and stressful… If I’m honest, I had two really bad panic attacks today and it was all just a mess so I apologize that I don’t have any pictures from today to share and for the fact that I know this post looks like it could have been written by a 3rd grader. I’m just feeling really low and burned out.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I really hope you had a wonderful day =).

Question(s):

What do you do to get yourself through bad days?

 

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life

Weekend Recap


Hey everyone! Sorry for the lack of a post yesterday and for the fact that this post is going to be mostly photos.

Although, for some it may be preferable to just look at pictures instead of reading my usual nonsensical rants… If that’s the case, this is the post for you dear reader!

Anyway, this weekend was a mess of rushing around and trying to get things done that needed to get done but not actually accomplishing any of said things.

Saturday, I woke up and tested the waters with a run before heading out to Bed Bath and Beyond to get a present for my cousin’s engagement party that I had to go to later that day!

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I thought I took a picture of the (absolutely amazing) marketplace inside of Bed Bath and Beyond… But apparently I didn’t so here’s a selfie from outside of Bed Bath and Beyond instead because it’s basically the same thing.

I had never been in once of the huge Bed Baths before (the one closest to me is pretty small) so I had never been enlightened to how ABSOLUTELY AMAZING THOSE PLACES ARE! They had a whole international market section that had all of this cool food and drink from all over the world.

I wanted everything, but instead I just left with the engagement present, a bottle of Speculoos flavored syrup, and some tea. I’m exciting.

I didn’t actually take any pictures at the engagement party (I know I promised you a picture of the finished product of those oreo things that I showed you on Saturday) because I wound up only being able to stay for an hour before I had to leave for a concert!

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I actually wound up going to see Paramore and Fall Out Boy at the Monument Tour with my best friend! I didn’t know I was going until the day of… Cody just happened to have an extra ticket and needed someone to go with him so obviously I had to take one for the team.

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I don’t think I have listened to a Paramore song since their Riot album back in 7th(?) grade. They were a lot better than I expected and played quite a few songs off of Riot so I got to sing along!

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Finally, after Paramore’s set ended, Fall Out Boy came on and completely killed it! I have seen FOB 3 times in the past year and they never fail to impress me.

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Also, Patrick Stump (the lead singer) has the most angelic voice on the planet… I’m not fully convinced that he is in fact a human. Cody and I have a theory that he may be a robot… A person can’t just be that adorable and talented and humble all at once.

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Today was another day of running around and not getting anything that I needed to be done done.

Although, I did (possibly) finish registering for the classes I will be taking this fall! Progress!

Question(s):

What was the last concert you went to?

Best thing you did this weekend?

 

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